textfiles/humor/JOKES/medjoke1.txt

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                    Humor: Medical (140) - Part 1
                          January 23, 1992
                    bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu                      
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  [1]
  This girl in the middle teens has a lisping problem so she visits a doctor.
  
  Beginning the examination, the doctor puts on his stethoscope and says,
  "Big breath."
  
  She replies, "Yeth, and I am not even thikteen."
  ==
  
  [2]
  A Senator dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.  There is a long line there
  so the Senator goes to the head  of  the  line  and  says, "I'm  Senator
  Blamsphey."   Saint Peter looks at him and says, "You'll have to wait in
  line like anybody else."  Shortly thereafter, a lawyer shows up and goes
  to  the  head  of  the  line.  Saint Peter sends him back, too.  Then, a
  former Prime Minister dies and the same thing happens.
  
  A little while later, this doctor comes strolling by, goes to  the  head
  of  the  line, and Saint Peter lets him into Heaven.  Well, the Senator,
  lawyer, and ex-Prime Minister are quite upset, so they go to Saint Peter
  and  ask  him  why  they  let a doctor through but they wouldn't talk to
  them.   Saint Peter says, "Oh.  That was no doctor.   That  was  God; he
  just likes playing doctor."
  ==
  
  [3]
  Doctor:  I have some bad news and some very bad news.
  Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
  Doctor:  The lab called with your test results. They said you have
           24 hours to live.
  Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!!  WHAT could be WORSE?
           What's the very bad news?
  Doctor:  I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
  ==
  
  [4]
  Patient: I'm in a hospital!  Why am I in here?
  Doctor:  You've had an accident involving a train.
  Patient: What happened?
  Doctor:  Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would
           you like to hear first?
  Doctor:  Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both
           of them.
  Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
  Doctor:  There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on
           your slippers.
  ==
  
  [5]
  Doctor:  I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I
           tell first?
  Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.
  Doctor:  All Right.  Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped,
           your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you
           have AIDS."
  Patient: Good grief!  What's the good news?
  Doctor:  The good news is that there is no more bad news.
  ==
  
  [6]
  Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
  Nurse:  What is it?
  Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not
          important now!
  ==
  
  [7]
  Doctor:  Does it hurt when you do this?
  Patient: Yes.
  Doctor:  Well, don't do that.
  ==
  
  [8]
  Doctor:  Have you ever had this before?
  Patient: Yes.
  Doctor:  Well, you've got it again.
  ==
  
  [9]
  An young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit
  the local whore house.  A little while later he starts to feel sick.
  He goes to see a doctor of internal medicine.
  
  The doctor examines him and says, "Well son, I don't know how to tell
  you this, but you've got a bad case of Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and about
  12 other things I can't spell.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you
  this medicine.  It'll make you get better but it'll also cause your dick
  to shrivel up and disappear.  It's going to cost you $1000."
  
  This doesn't make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon.
  The surgeon examines him and says "Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of
  Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot.  Afraid I'm going to
  have to cut your dick off and charge you $2000."
  
  By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to see a doctor of holistic
  medicine.  The doctor examines him and comes to essentially the same
  conclusion as the other doctors: an advanced case of V.D.  However, his
  approach to the problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary expense,
  trauma, and worry: "Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get plenty
  of rest, and gets lots of sunshine and fresh air.  Wait about two weeks and
  your dick will fall off all by itself."
  ==
  
  [10]
  A woman goes to a doctor with a problem.
  
  She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very
  hesitant about describing her problem.  Eventually the doctor 
  manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually
  perverted.
  
  "What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.
  
  "Well," said the woman, "I like to be ... ohh ... ah ... ummm ...
  I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."
  
  "Come, come, my dear.  I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained
  to understand these problems.  So what's the matter ...?"
  
  So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that
  she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint.
  
  It was then the doctor had a bright idea.  "Look," he said, "I'm
  a bit of a pervert myself.  So if you show me what your perversion
  is, I'll show you what mine is.  Ok?  Is it a deal?"
  
  The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed
  that it was a fair request.  So after a slight pause she said:
  "Well my perversion is ... my perversion ... oh ... I like to 
  be kissed on the bottom!"
  
  "Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor.  "Look, go behind that screen,
  take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY
  perversion is!  Hee Hee!"
  
  So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen.
  She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he
  might kiss me on the bum."
  
  Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened.  So the woman peers
  around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk,
  his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.
  
  "Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?"
  
  "Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag."
  ==
  
  [11]
  The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are
  the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
  But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
  
  "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
  "Can I see that prescription I just gave you?  I'd like to make a little
  change..."
  ==
  
  [12]
  A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.
  
  Man:    Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem.  I just can't (FFFART!!)
          stop farting.
  
  Doctor: That is an unusual complaint.  Take off your clothes and lay, stomach
          down, on the couch.
  
  The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man
  farting all the time.
  
  Doctor: Ah ha!  This should be easy to cure.  Excuse me for a moment.
  
  The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp
  spike at one end.
  
  Man:    (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with
          (FFFARTT!!) that ?!
  
  Doctor: I need to open a window.
  ==
  
  [13]
  There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.  The first one
  says "My son is very successful.  He is the best lawyer in New York City."
  The second one says "My son has done better than that.  He is the best
  Doctor in New York City."  The third one says "My son has not done that well.
  He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual.  But he has these two
  great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other
  is the best doctor in the city."
  ==
  
  [14]
  "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged
  farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
  
  "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
  
  "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
  morning."
  
  "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started
  working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the
  farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
  there was anything I wanted.
  
  I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked.
  "I'm sure, I said.
  
  "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to
  know. "I reckon not" I replied  ...
  
  "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to
  do with your leg?"
  
  "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned
  on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
  ==
  
  [15]
  There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr
  Carrot, and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says
  to Mr Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot  says
  "You're  not so slim yourself!".  So Mr Turtle says "Ok, we'll see who
  is the least fit, race you back to the office" So the race starts, and
  they'd  only  got about a block down the street when Mr Turtle crosses
  the road in front of a car and gets bowled.  Mr Carrot sees that  he's
  in  a  pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr Cabbage,
  the ambulance driver.  Mr Cabbage duly arrives  and  piles  Mr  Turtle
  into  the  Ambulance and rushes to hospital.  Mr Turtle follows and as
  soon as he gets to the Hospital he asks  the  nurse  at  Accident  and
  Emergency,  Miss  Cauliflower,  whether  he  will  be  alright.  "Miss
  Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies
  "Well,  i  couldn't  really  say,  you'll have to ask Dr Bean".  So he
  rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor  Bean,  will
  Mr  Turtle  be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't like to
  say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor  Pea",  so  of  course,  Mr
  Carrot  rushes  over  to  Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea,
  will Mr Turtle be alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I  can
  for him, it's all in the hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot
  waits outside the surgery for 3 hours until  they  have  finished  the
  operation,  and rushes up to Dr Turnip and says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor
  Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip  turns  to  him  and
  says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the
  rest of his life..."
  ==
  
  [16]
  One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business
  is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  As he moans to some of the
  regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders
  over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
  I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate
  some of the more sane individuals into the community.  Why don't I bring some
  of my patients along, say next Tuesday.  You'll have some customers and my
  patients will have a night out."
  
  Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a
  quiet night appeals, so he agrees.  So, the following Tuesday the guy in the
  tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.  He says to the
  publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up
  at closing time."
  
  The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the
  loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting
  drunk but they behave themselves.  At closing time the publican adds up the
  bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds!  The guy with the glasses
  and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back
  to the asylum.  Finally he comes over and asks for the bill.  The publican,
  feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his
  bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty
  quid," he says.
  
  The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got
  change for a dustbin lid?"
  ==
  
  [17]
  A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients
  behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his
  bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not
  unlike a Kenworth...VRROOOOM,VRRROOOOMM,....SCREEEECH.......
  
  "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.
  
  "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker.
  
  Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the
  next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath
  the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down
  into the mattress.
  
  "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
  
  "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona I'm f*****g his wife."
  ==
  
  [18a]
  A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long.
  What should I do?"
  
  "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.  "Let's see, do
  you smoke?"
  
  "Oh.. half a pack a day."
  
  "Starting NOW, no more smoking."
  
  The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
  
  "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer
  or two every once in a while."
  
  "Starting now, you drink only water.  No exceptions."
  
  The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
  
  "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
  
  "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat
  only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
  
  The man is now really worried.  "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
  
  "Do you want to live long?"
  
  "Yes."
  
  "Absolutely necessary.  And don't even think of breaking the diet."
  
  The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
  
  "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
  
  "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more
  sex for you. None."
  
  The man is appalled.
  
  "Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
  
  "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem
  like an eternity!"
  
  *OR*
  
  [18b]
  A guy goes to his doctor and is told that he has 6 months to live.
  "6 months!!" he exclaimed.  "What am I supposed to do in only 6 months?"
  His doctor told him, "Marry a JAP and move to Montana."
  "Why?" the guy asked.
  "Because 6 months will seem like an eternity!"
  ==
  
  [19]
  An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.  When the doctor asked why
  she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
  
  Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
  Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old.  What possible use could you have for
  birth control pills?"  
  
  The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
  
  The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
  control pills help you to sleep?"
  
  The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep
  better at night."
  ==
  
  [20]
  One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
  wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns 
  over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
  tomorrow."

  The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. Later, he rolls 
  back over and taps his wife again.  This time he wispers in her ear,
  "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?".
  ==
  
  [21]
  A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
  
  Man:   "What are you doing here today?"
  
  Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood.  They're going to give me
         $5 for it."
  
  Man:   "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
         But they pay me $25."
  
  The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
  before going their separate ways.
  
  Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
  donation center.
  
  Man:   "Oh, hi there!  Here to donate blood again?"
  
  Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
  ==
  
  [22]
  A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
  The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms,
  how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
  
  "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind
  of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
  
  The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
  and handed it to her and said, "There you are.  Of course, if *that*
  doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
  ==
  
  [23]
  While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the
  man's balls.  To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to
  replace the missing ball with an onion.  
  
  Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
  
  "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
  
  "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief.  But then he
  added, "I've had some strange side effects."
  
  "What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously.
  
  "Well, every time I piss my eyes water.  When my wife gives me a 
  blow job she gets heartburn.  And every time I pass a hamburger
  stand I get a hard-on".
  ==
  
  [24]
  In my hometown a well known rich businessman's wife broke her
  hip.  The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the
  operation.  The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip
  and putting in a screw to secure it.
  
  The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a
  fee for his services of $5000.  The businessman was outraged at
  the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list
  of the costs.  The doctor sent back a list with two things:
  
      1 screw                   $   1
      knowing how to put it in  $4999
                                -----
                                $5000
  
  The businessman never argued.
  ==
  
  [25]
  A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
  This is her first pregnancy.  The doctor asks her if she has
  any questions.  She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about
  the pain.  How much will childbirth hurt?"
  
  The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
  pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
  "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
  "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
  "Like this?"
  "A little more..."
  "Like this?"
  "No.  A little more...
  "Like this?"
  "Yes.  Does that hurt?"
  "A little bit."
  "Now stretch it over your head!"
  ==
  
  [26]
  Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.  As he leans over to
  begin working on her, she grabs his balls.  The dentist says, "Madam,
  I believe you've got a hold of my privates."  The woman replies,
  "Yes.  We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
  ==
  
  [27]
  A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.
  As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet,
  and then leaves.  This happens a second time.  The third time this
  happens she say "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"  The man
  replied, "Don't ask me lady.  I'm just a painter!"
  ==
  
  [28]
  "Doctor, don't cut so deep.  That's the third operating table
  you've ruined this month!"
  ==
  
  [29]
  An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man.  After about 6
  months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went
  to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations
  Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."
  
  "Get serious Doctor, I'm 80."
  
  "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it
  was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
  
  "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office.
  She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the
  telephones were.  In a rage, she dialed her husband.
  
  "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.  She screamed,
  "You rotten son of a bitch.  You got me pregnant!"
  
  There was a pause on the line.  Finally her husband answered
  "Who's calling please?"
  ==
  
  [30]
  There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles 
  around.  He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet
  and asked him to look after things while he was gone.  The vet
  asked, "Is anything happening?"
  
  The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due but I don't think the baby
  will come before I get back.  Anyway, if it does, just deliver it.
  This is her third and the first two went really easily."
  
  The vet said "OK" and the doctor went on the fishing trip.  When
  he returned, he called the vet.  "How did things go while I was
  gone?"
  "Pretty good."
  "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
  "Yes, it was a 8 pound boy.  Everyone's doing fine."
  "Did you have any trouble?"
  "Well, there was just one little problem."
  "What was that?"
  "I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"
  ==
  
  [31]
  In recent discussions on today's serious diseases, one of the most serious
  has been neglected: anneurisms. Although it is more properly categorized
  as an event (like a heart attack) than a disease, there are many variations
  which many people not be aware of:
  
        * People at sporting events frequently suffer from Fanneurisms.
        * Baseball fans in particular have Stan-the-manneurisms.
        * People from Southern California have Tanneurisms while
        * people from New Jersey have Rosanne-rosannadanneurisms.
        * Buddhist monks often have Yin-Yanneurisms and
        * overweight people suffer from Fat-in-the-canneurisms.
        * On the highway, people get Vanneurisms but
        * truckers uniquely suffer from Carrivanneurisms.
        * Japanese movie fans have Rodanneurisms.
        * Much of the middle class suffer from Suburbanneurisms.
        * Woman most often have Manneurisms while
        * men usually have Womanneurisms.
  ==
  
  [32]
  One day John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and
  see a doctor.  When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he
  could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine
  sample.  John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John
  complied.  15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
  
  "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.
  
  "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.
  
  "No.  It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that
  he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical
  condition with total accuracy.  John didn't believe a word of this but
  he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
  
  Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and
  his teenage daughter.  He was telling them about this ridiculous machine.
  When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor.  John pissed in
  the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter.  Then while walking to
  his garage he had a brainstorm.  John put a few drops of oil from his 
  crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in
  the jar.  He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it
  to the nurse.  This time his urinalysis took half an hour.  Finally, John
  was ushered in to see the doctor.
  
  The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass.
  Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to 
  through a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is
  never gonna heal!"
  ==
  
  [33]
  Q: How many pre-meds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three.  One to hold the light bulb, and two to pull out the chair
     from under him!
  A: None:  premeds don't screw, they study.
  ==
  
  [34]
  "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
  "And did he?"
  "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
  ==
  
  [35]
  A notorious hypochondriac who had established himself as the like and soul
  of most dinner parties with outlandish descriptions of various ailments,
  sat through one evening scarcely saying a word.
  
  "What's the matter?" asked the hostess, "Don't tell me it's so awful you
  can't even talk about it."
  
  "It's not that," replied the guest.  "It's just that I went to a new
  doctor this morning and he cured all my topics of conversation."
  ==
  
  [36]
  A Cold is both positive and negative; sometimes the eyes have it,
  sometimes the nose.
  ==
  
  [37]
  A patient suffering from insomnia was told by her doctor to be sure
  that she never went to bed on an empty stomach, but always had something to 
  eat first.
  
  "But, once you told me never to eat before going to bed," replied the
  puzzled patient."
  
  "That was last year," her doctor reassured her, "Medicine has made
  enormous advances since then."
  ==
  
  [38]
  A recently graduated GP prescribed some suppositories for one of his less
  erudite patients, telling him to insert one in his rectum each morning
  and evening and to come back a week later.  At the next consultation, it was
  obvious that the man had not followed the doctor's instructions.  "Have you
  been doing what I told you?" asked the doctor.
  "'Course I have."
  "Inserting them into your rectum?"
  "Yes"
  "Are you sure?"
  "Yes ... what do you expect me to do, stick them up me bloody ass."
  ==	
  
  [39]
  "What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling
  in her compartment.
  
  "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.
  
  "Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."
  ==
  
  [40]
  The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him
  what brought him to the hospital.  The man replied, "An ambulance."
  ==
  
  
  [41]
  You've heard the definition of a drug: any substance which, when 
  injected into a laboratory animal, produces a publication.
  ==
  
  [42]
  Not long ago, a teaching hospital installed a computer to interview
  patients visiting its Gynecology department.  Apparently several of the
  programmers were not familiar with Medicine.  One of the questions it asked
  was, "Are you having your monthly period now?"  If the answer was 'yes', the
  computer would sent the woman away and make a new appointment -- in four 
  weeks time.  (Think about that one for a minute.)
  ==
  
  [43]
  It is said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs:
  	Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
  ==
  
  [44]
  It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of
  the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds
  by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
  to fetch him a sample of Urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
  mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
  the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which 
  means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of
  a diabetic ... " By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which
  the registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw
  colored  fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar
  then startled us.

  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the
  tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed  his lips
  rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was
  passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid, 
  all of us foolishly licked that finger.
  
  "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle
  of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.  We stood
  near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous
  patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing
  triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my
  INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
  ==
  
  [45]
  Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk.  He'd been
  transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival.  Founded in
  Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
  place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
  surgeon and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew.  Yet,
  MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment
  District.  For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." 
  
  It was rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was
  curious.  "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you
  told them, after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here.  Why?"
  
  "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
  
  "Was it the doctors there?  The doctors you didn't like?"
  
  "The doctus?  Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
  
  "The test or the room?"
  
  "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
  
  "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats.  But Bernard shook his head no.
  
  Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did
  this great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God,
  all you tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? 
  Why, Bernie, why?"
  
  "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
  ==
  
  [46]
  Laws of the House of God
  
  I				GOMERS(*) DON'T DIE.
  II				GOMERS GO TO GROUND.
  III		     AT A CARDIAC ARREST, THE FIRST
  	        PROCEDURE IS TO TAKE YOUR OWN PULSE.
  IV		             THE PATIENT IS THE ONE 
  				   WITH THE DISEASE.
  V		              PLACEMENT COMES FIRST.
  VI		       THERE IS NO BODY CAVITY THAT 
  		       CANNOT BE REACHED WITH A #14
  		       NEEDLE AND A GOOD STRONG ARM.
  VII			     AGE + BUN = LASIX DOSE.
  VIII		      THEY CAN ALWAYS HURT YOU MORE.
  IX		            THE ONLY GOOD ADMISSION 
  				IS A DEAD ADMISSION.
  X	  	   IF YOU DON'T TAKE A TEMPERATURE,
  			     YOU CAN'T FIND A FEVER.
  XI		 SHOW ME A BMS(**) WHO ONLY TRIPLES
  		   MY WORK AND I WILL KISS HIS FEET.
  XII			  IF THE RADIOLOGY RESIDENT 
  			     AND THE BMS BOTH SEE A 
  			 LESION ON THE CHEST X-RAY,
  		       THERE CAN BE NO LESION THERE.
  XIII		    THE DELIVERY OF MEDICAL CARE IS
  		  TO DO AS MUCH NOTHING AS POSSIBLE.
  
  (*) Acronym for 'Get Out of My Emergency Room' - you'll have to read the
  	book for the true effect.
  (**) BMS: a third year medical student on his ward clerkship, particularly
  	on from 'Best Medical School'.
  ==
  
  [47]
  In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells
  of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything.  Well it seems
  one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three
  complaints.  "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth,
  and I can't remember nothin' besides."
  
  Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the
  apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them
  both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well.
  
  Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then 
  yelled out, "Yeachhhhh... this stuff tastes like shee-it."
  
  "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're
  certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory
  is acting up, just take the other pill."
  
  And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way,
  and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.
  ==
  
  [48]
  There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be
  differentiated by the following method:
    -General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
    -Surgeons know little and do everything.
    -Internists knows everything and do nothing.
    -Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's
     usually too late.
  ==
  
  [49]
  Everywhere this lady went nobody wanted to talk to her,  no one ever asked 
  her to go out.  Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this 
  would happen.  So she went to her  doctor and  told him what was going on. 
  She thought that maybe  there was a problem with her.  The doctor told her 
  he would  give her a complete exam.  He told her to  undress and get up on 
  the table,  so she did.  He told her to open  her mouth and he checked it. 
  Then he asked her to get down  from the table and bend over.  He then said 
  to the lady, "Know what your problem is,  you have zactly."  The lady then 
  asked, "What is zactly?"  The doctor said,  "Lady your mouth smells zactly 
  like your ass."
  ==
  
  [50]
  After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile,
  the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.  When the
  woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist
  down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. 
  
  She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor
  came in.  Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down
  his pants!
  
  "Wait a minut!  What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling
  herself into a sitting position.
  
  "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
  
  "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.
  
  "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out
  of the bottled stuff.  You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
  ==
  
  [51]
  This lady has delivered a baby but unfortunately her husband was out on a
  business tour. When he returned, he rushed to the hospital to see the baby.
  The nurse led him to a room where a couple of babies were lying on a bed.
  One of them was chubby while the other was skinny.
  
  He asks the nurse pointing to the skinny one, "Is that my baby??"
  
  The nurse replies, "No, no, the other one's yours.  And you know this one
  is a product of artificial insemination.
  
  "Just as I had heard, spare the rod and spoil the child!!"
  ==
  
  [52]
  This German guy wants to marry this Polish lady, but Poland has a law that
  you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other
  words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed.
  
  So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just GOT to marry this woman,
  I love her so much..."
  
  So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room
  they go...
  
  Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We
  are VERRRRRYYYY sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead
  of 50%."
  
  The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"
  ==
  
  [53]
  "You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor turned you over and thought
  he had twins."
  
  "You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor spanked your mom."
  ==
  
  [54]
  Did you hear?  Ray Charles was involved in a car accident last Friday.  
  Ray, in shock, was taken to the hospital.  Because of severe injuries, the
  left leg had to be amputated.
  
  Later on, when Ray regained consciousness, the doctor said "Ray, I have some
  good news and some bad news."
  
  "Doc, give me the bad news first."
  
  "We had to amputate your left leg," said the doctor.
  
  "Oh....What's the good news?" asked Ray.
  
  "YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE, BABY, UH HUH!"
  ==
  
  [55]
  Mary had a little lamb
  The doctors were astounded
  And everywhere that Mary went
  Gynecologists surrounded.
  
  When Mary had a little lamb,
  The doctors were surprised;
  When Old MacDonald had a farm,
  The doctors nearly died.
  
  [56]
  This guy decides to get a sex change.  So he goes to the doctors and has
  the thing done.  A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old
  buddies about it.  "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that
  silicon into your chest to make your breasts."  "Not really, I hardly felt
  it."  "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" 
  
  "Nope, I didn't really feel it either.  The only thing that really hurt
  was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."
  ==
  
  [57]
  Why do doctors spank new-borns?
  So the balls fall off the dumb ones!
  ==
  
  [58]
  A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to
  have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks
  the doctor:
  
  Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects
              the organ?
  
  Doctor:     Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been
  	    in business?
  
  Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does
  	    that have to do with anything?
  
  Doctor:     Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an
  	    organ yet!
  ==
  
  [59]
  Patient: "Doctor, there's a tulip growing from my ears."
  Doctor:  "That's the strangest thing I have ever heard."
  Patient: "Yes indeed, I've been planting radishes!"
  ==
  
  [60]
  This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.
  I just can't stop having sex!"
  
  "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
  
  "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
  
  "That's not so much", says the doctor.
  
  "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE
  a day," replies the man.
  
  "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
  
  "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE
  a day," says the man.
  
  "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to
  take yourself in hand."
  
  "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
  ==
  
  [61]
  A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors 
  searching through the flower beds.  "Excuse me," he said, "have you
  lost something?"
  
  "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for
  an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
  ==
  
  [62]
  Comedian's monologue:
    Some of you women have been afraid to get breast augmentations.  There are
    problems with the surgery, the risk of infection, silicone slippage, etc.
    We have good news for you.  Physicians have just discovered a new process.
    They now have invented a safe operation which makes men's hands smaller.
  ==
  
  [63]
  From the Manchester Guardian Weekly, Oct. 6, 1991
  
  
  This dead parrot is difunto
  ---------------------------
  
  By John Hooper in Madrid
  
  A question left hanging by John Cleese-- what is the value of a dead parrot?--
  has finally been resolved by a Barcelona judge.  His honour Antonio Nunio
  de la Rosa has ruled that a dead parrot is worth 150,000 pesetas ($815).
  
  He was awarding damages to Maria del Carmen Dotras, whose parrot (male, 
  green) died, passed away, turned moribund, ceased to exist, and, in short,
  became defunct two years ago in the city's Vall d'Hebron hospital.  Ms. Dotras,
  who lives with her mother, had owned the bird for 23 years, since she was 12.
  
  Her family doctor suspected the parrot might be the cause of an allergy
  her mother had developed.  He wanted it to have a blood test, and told her
  it would be better done by a doctor than a vet.  This proved not to be the
  case.
  
  According to Ms. Dotras, the doctors virtually suffocated the bird by 
  putting a towel over its head, and took out six times as much blood as they
  were supposed to.  Eventually, a consultant ordered it to be put out of its
  misery.
  
  Ms. Dotras put the dead bird in the freezer, to facilitate an autopsy.  In
  fact, the deep freezing made it impossible to determine the cause of death.
  
  But as Judge Nunio de la Rosa observed in judgement-- passages of which might
  have come from a Monty Python script:  "The parrot has been deceased, and
  cannot be revived."  He decided the hospital authorities and the doctor
  responsible should pay the sum equivalent to a new bird.  He dismissed 
  Ms. Dotra's claim for damages of one million pesetas ($5,435).  This had been
  based, in part, on th argument that her parrot could talk.
  
  Drawing a fine distinction that will be of assistance in future, similar
  cases, the judge ruled that it merely "articulated sounds similar to those
  of people."  "If the parrot had been able to talk," he reasoned, "it would
  have complained."
  ==
  
  [64]
  What is the proper medical term for the CIRCUMCISION of a rabbit?
  A Hare Cut.
  ==
  
  [65]
  This is a brief introduction to GAG, a new action group designed to help
  out those who are less fortunate than us.  Yes, you know who I am talking
  about.  Germs.  GAG (Germs Are Good), is a group for the protection of
  innocent germs.
  
  Have you ever thought about the thousands and thousands and thousands of
  Germs you are killing when you take unnecessary medicine?  No, I bet you
  haven't.  Well, now is the time to take notice.
  
  GAG will be forming a Political Action Committee (PAC), to lobby for the 
  banning of all antibiotics, sterilization equipment and the establishment
  of local neighborhood germ growing areas.
  
  Addresses and Membership Information will be posted in the next few days.
  
  Our Creedo...  Remember, when you take that medicine, GAG.
  
  The protection of Germs rights is of the upmost priority.  A civilization
  is judged not on it's technical prowess, but on how it treats it's germs.
  ==
  
  [66]
  A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that
  is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.
  They begin by visiting some of the patients.
  
  The first patient they visit is a young woman.  She is
  practicing ballet.
  
  One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"
  
  She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of
  here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive
  member of society."
  
  "Wow, that's wonderful."
  
  The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of
  books next to him.
  
  The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"
  
  "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc.  So I can
  enter medical school when I get out"
  
  Room after room they witnessed the incredible success
  and attitudes of the patients.  Until they finally
  reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to
  open.  Finally he was persuaded to open it.
  
  Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.
  
  The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you
  doing?"
  
  "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"
  ==
  
  [67]
  Heard that Hollywood is making a movie about the dangers of casual sex?
  	Its called "Germs of Endearment"
  ==
  
  [68a]
  An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing
  their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening.
  
  The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had progressed
  so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and cut it into
  six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men in need of a healthy
  liver. This had resulted in six new workers in the job market.
  
  At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a
  lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need
  of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market.
  
  Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the U.S., we
  took one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people
  in the market for a job!"
  
  *OR*
  
  [68b]
  Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories.  The conversation
  turns to medical miracles:
  
  First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to
  work in construction.  One day last year his hand got run over by a
  bulldozer.  Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today
  he's a concert pianist.
  
  Second man: That's nothing.  I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I
  ever knew.  He was really fat and out of shape.  He was trying to
  hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck.  Broke nearly every damn
  bone in his body.  Somehow they put him back together better than he
  was before.  Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for
  the Olympics.
  
  Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid.  He couldn't do a
  whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave
  him a job as a stockboy.  Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one
  day and gets locked in.  It's dark and he can't find the door.  Not
  being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way.  The whole
  place exploded.  All they could find of him was his asshole and his
  eyebrows.  From that little bit they were able to put him back
  together and that kid became governor of Massachusetts.
  ==
  
  [69]
  There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he  went
  to  see the Doctor about it.  The doctor says to him "Well, it must be
  your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well,
  actually, I only  eat peas, i hate all other green foods".  The doctor
  was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all
  those  peas  will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them
  up!!".  The guy says "But how long for, i mean i  really  like  peas!"
  and  the  doctor  replies  "Forever,  i'm  afraid".   The man is quite
  shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough,  his  condition
  improves,  so he realises that he will never eat a pea again.  Anyway,
  one night, years later, he's at a  convention  for  his  employer  and
  getting  quite  sloshed  and  one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd
  love a cigarette, cozi  avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up".
  Quite  a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a
  game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first  marriage,  so  i
  gave  it  up!"  and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a
  pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming  "Ok,  everyone  who
  can't swim, grab a table...."
  ==
  
  [70]
                Medical Terminology for the Layman
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Artery -- The study of fine paintings
  Barium -- What you do when CPR fails
  Caesarean Section -- A district in Rome
  Colic -- A sheep dog
  Coma -- A punctuation mark
  Congenital -- Friendly
  Dilate -- To live longer
  Fester -- Quicker
  G. I. Series -- Baseball games between teams of soldiers
  Grippe -- A suitcase
  Hangnail -- A coat hook
  Medical Staff -- A doctor's cane
  Minor Operation -- Coal digging
  Morbid -- A higher offer
  Nitrate -- Lower than the day rate
  Node -- Was aware of
  Organic -- Musical
  Outpatient -- A person who has fainted
  Post-operative -- A letter carrier
  Protein -- In favor of young people
  Secretion -- Hiding anything
  Serology -- Study of English knighthood
  Tablet -- A small table
  Tumor -- An extra pair
  Urine -- Opposite of you're out
  Varicose veins -- veins that are close together
  ==
  
  [71]
  		A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS
   
  1.  DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
  Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
  valuable scientific objectivity.
   
  2.  BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
  Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
  gentleness and reassurance he can get.
   
  3.  TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
  Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to
  uphold.
   
  4.  DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
  You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
  into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any
  mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
   
  5.  NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
  It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
  explained in terms that you would understand.
   
  6.  SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
  Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
  research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
   
  7.  PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
  You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
  to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
   
  8.  DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
  It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
  means.
   
  9.  NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT
      IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
  The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
  sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
   
  10.  NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
  This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
  ==
  
  [72]
  Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert.  Suddenly, a snake bites
  Jim's prick!  "AAIIIIIII!!"  He panics, and John panics.  "What can we do?"
  "We should call for a doctor."
  
  WHAMMM !  Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone box.
  Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
  
  RING, RING.  RING, RING.
  J: My friend is bitten by a snake.  What to do?
  D: What kind of snake?
  J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
  D: Aye, aye.
  J: ?
  D: Those are very dangerous.
  J: What can we do?
  D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out.  Otherwise
     your friend will be dead within half an hour.
  
  Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box.  Jim, pale looking
  already, asks what the doctor said.
  
  Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
  ==
  
  [73]
  A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
  congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
  hand. The mother looked startled.
  
  The doctor then said, "Here catch," and promptly tossed the baby to the
  mother, but it landed on the window ledge and fell out the window. The lady
  shrieked and said, "You bastard, you've killed my baby!"
  
  The doctor replied, "April Fool, it was dead already!"
  ==
  
  [74]
  A blond guy visits the hospital.
  
  "I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully.
  
  "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with
  your wife?"
  
  "Yes, yes!  I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!"
  
  So, the operation is performed.  Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy
  only has to stay in the hospital for two days.  On his way home, he meets a
  friend.
  
  "Well, hello!  I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says.
  
  "No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond.
  
  "Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"
  
  "Really?  So, what's up?"
  
  "I'm going to be vaccinated."
  
  "Oh, shit!!  That's what it's called!"
  ==
  
  [75]
  Two gynecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what
  cases they have had the past year.
  1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons.
  2: Incredible, so big?
  1: Yes
  2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon.
  1: Waaw, so big?
  2: No, so sour
  ==
  
  I hope you enjoyed these jokes.  If you know anymore please send them
  to me.  Thanks to Henry Cate II -- a lot of this stuff is from his
  legendary Life collection.

  Bob (bobk@gibdo.engr.washington)