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textfiles/humor/JOKES/jokes9.txt
root@procul 278a90f7ce Initial commit
2021-04-15 13:31:59 -05:00

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a lawyer was on the road and got a sudden urge to take a crap so he was
forced to stop at a wayside and use the public toilet..(out house no less)
so he's just about finished when another person with the same problem come
rushing in and grabs the hole next to this lawyer (the lawyer could not
believe what was happening) anyway..the lawyer finishes and get up and in
doing so a pocket full of change falls down into the hole.."SHIT!!!says
the lawyer.."damn..looks like you lost a bunch of change" says the person
next to the lawyer. The lawyer, swearing all the while, takes out his
wallet..peels off a hundred and throws it down the hole. "Holy cow !"says
the other person"your throwing good money after bad, whats the matter with
you? Are you crazy???" "well hell"says the lawyer"you don't think I'm
going down there for forty-five cents, do you "!!?
here's a helpful hint when hunting frogs...
look for a lawyer in the area - flies are attracted to Shit
What about a lawer who is a mother-in-law.
Films now showing at the Baghdad Multiplex.
The Exocet
The Eagle Has Sanded
A Bridge Too Fahd
Call Me Saddam
Nomad Max
Blame It On Riyadh
The Not-So- Great Dictator
M.Hussein's Holiday
A Shah Is Born
The Saddam Busters
The 101st Arabian Knights
Hits now playing on Baghdad Radio
loves Me Like Iraq
Saudi Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Oil Be There
Heard It Through The Pipeline
Papa's Got A Brand New Baghdad
Sheik Rattle And Roll
Kuwaiting On A Friend
Ma,He's Making Sheep's Eyes At Me
Gasoline Alley
Alad Hussein
Now On The Menu at The Bagndad Cafe'
Mustard Gaspacho
Iraq of Lamb
Shat al Kebab
Quiche Bahrain
Nuke Potatoes
Rocket Salad with Crude Oil and Vinegar Dressing
And for dessert
Devil's Fahd Cake
Bombe Surprise
Emir Trifle.
Answer: Unleaded, Lateral, Sadam Hussein
Question: Name a gas, a pass and an ass
When the sisters of William Penn's mother opened a new bakery?
There was an uproar in the area because their pastry prices were
so high. The newspaper ran a story about the Pie Rates of Penn's
Aunts!!!
Money is the root of all bills.
One day in the city of Juarez, a group of people who happened to be outside
on a warm summer day, (taking thier afternoon siesta one would suppose),
witnessed an event that would spur talk of a local hero for many days.
Off in the distance was seen a man in a big white hat, riding a big white
horse. As he approached a crowd gathered, for one legendary man stood clear in
thier minds. My friends, I believe it is Poncho Villa that approaches.
As this stranger got closer so that his face could be seen, a gasp went through
the crowd, for this was not Poncho Villa. Hell, his posters were up all over
town. The crowd, ammazed that someone would try to impersonate such a great
local hero, gathered close and pelted the stranger with questions.
"Who are you?"
"where do you come from?"
"Why are you dressed like Poncho Villa?"
"Are you his friend?"
At the last question the stranger, riding the big white horse, tilted back his
big white hat, and spoke these words.
"You ask me who I am, you ask me eef I know Poncho Villa, you ask eef I
am hees friend, let me tell you a story."
So the stranger climbed off his horse and stood leaning with his poncho pulled
back so that all could see the big, shiny gun that he carried low on his hip.
He then began to speak and the crowd grew quiet.
"You see, I was walking down de road on de way to Juarez today, when
from behind me I hear de sound of a horse come. I look down down de road to
see who is coming, and far away I see a man on a big, white horse, wearing
a big white hat, riding to me. And I says to myself, 'Jose, I tink that
that is Poncho Villa riding his big, white horse.' and as de hombre on the
horse come closer, I saw that eet was indeed the Poncho Villa who face was
posted on walls throughout all Mexico."
"And as Poncho Villa aproached, he slowed his big, white horse, and he
looked at me, and he smiled, and all de gold in his teeth did sparkle like de
sunlight. Then he pulled his big, heavy gun, and he pointed eet at me, and he
said 'you... pull down you pants!' What could I do, he had a gun. So I pulled
down my pants. Then he looked at me and smiled, 'now, take a sheet'.. ayeee, I
had no choice, he had a gun. Then he wave that pistol at me and he say, 'Now
eat et!' but for that gun, cavrone!, so I ate eet."
"And Poncho Villa, he laugh so hard, he fall off that big, white horse,
and he drop that big gun, and I pick eet up, and I point eet at him. And he
quits laughing. Den I say to Poncho Villa, drop you pants! what could he do, I
had de gun. Now I says to him, take a sheet, he no smile now. and I wave that
big gun at heem and I says, now eat et!"
"And you ask me if I know Poncho Villa! Hell, yes I know Poncho Villa!
I had lunch with heem today!"
How many Graves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Depends on how you stack the bones.
Why can't they teach drivers' ed.
and sex ed. on the same day in Iraq?
-Too rough on the camel
Saddam backward is Mad Ass.
Iraqnaphobia - Kuwait's most popular movie
May the wind behind you always be your own.
An aging Admiral is visiting the local brothel. Jenny, a new
girl there comes into the room and finds him just getting into
a tub of water. "What", she asks "Do you want me to do?"
"If you would please just start splashing the water and get
some waves going."
Which she does.
Then he asks her to make blowing noises like the wind.
Which she does, all the while making great waves in the water.
"Now," he says "flick the lights on and off like lightning".
So she is blowing, and splashing and flicking, and getting
tired of it. "Say, don't you want to make love?" she asks.
"What!! In this WEATHER??"
A women was considering buying an aging Thoroughbred but
wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing
her deal.
She asked when the doctor had completed his examination.
"Will I be able to race him?"
The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse.
"Sure" he replied, "and you'll probably win!"
Why is it that Mexican's don't barbecue?
The Beans kept falling though the grate!!
Fartvergn<67>gen..the pleasure of breaking wind
why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen?
They sell more tickets...hehehe
THIS GUY GOES TO A LOCAL TATTOO ARTIST TO AHVE A $100 BILL TATTOOED ON
HIS THING. THE GUY ASKS WHY AND HE SAYS THREE REASONS:
I LIKE TO WATCH MY MONEY GROW.
I LIKE TO PLAY WITH MY MONEY.
MY WIFE WILL BLOW A HUNDRED BUCKS JUST LIKE THAT!
Woman in her 40's never had sex. She decides to go to an
oriental doctor to find out what was wrong with her, since she
had heard so much about their ancient herb and other knowledge.
Doctor tells her to strip from the waist down. She goes behind
the curtain and does. She comes out, doctor tells her to turn
her back towards him. Then he says: Put your head between your
knees.
After a moment the doctor says: Can see what's wrong!
You can stand up now.
Woman asks: What is my problem, what can I do?
Doctor says: You go see good Plastic Surgeon. You have Assface!
Says the woman: what is I have?
You have: Assface!
What's that?
That means: Your face looks like your ass ...
A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving
him a shave. Hoping to make amends, the barber asked,
"Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?"
"No thanks," replied the customer. I'll carry it home
under my arm!"
A Senator, a clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers
in a small plane that developed engine trouble. The pilot
announced,
"We'll have to bail out. Unfortunately, there are only three
parachutes. I have a wife and seven small children. My family
needs me. I'm taking one of the parachutes and jumping out!"
And he jumped. Then the Senator said,
"I am the smartest politician in the world. The country needs
me; I'm taking one of the parachutes."
And he jumped. The clergyman said to the Boy Scout,
"I've had a good life and yours is still ahead of you.
You take the last parachute."
The youth shrugged and said,
"Don't need to. There are two parachutes left. The smartest
politician in the world just jumped with my knapsack!"
Don't sweat Petty things, or Pet Sweaty Things
Dont recall us ... we'll recall you
HEAVEN CAN WEIGHT!!
John and his wife Patsy, in their later years made a solemn
pledge that whoever should pass into the great divide first
would somehow find a way back and tell the other what it was
like. Sadly John made the leap first.
A month later to the day Patsy awoke from a dream only to find
her self talking to John. It was very dark and she could only
hear him.
"Well, John" she asked, "Tell me all about it."
"There is not really much to tell" he replied. "I get up in
the morning and have sex, then eat and take a nap. Then when I
wake up I have sex, eat and go back to sleep. Later I have sex
again, have lunch and nap. Then it is time for more sex and
dinner before bed time."
"Is that all there is to Heaven, John? Just sex, food and
sleep?"
"What Heaven. I'm a jack rabbit in Texas!"
How many Saudi Arabians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) 140,000 - especially if Iraq is the one complaining that it's
dark!
2) 1 - King Fahd. He just dials 1-900-USA-NUKE and WHAMMO!
250,000 Americans come over with special light bulb installation
units which the defense department bought on close-out for a
mere $329,036.07 each.
3) 270,000 - The 140,000 from #1, plus an extra 130,000 expatriot
Kuwaiti's who are paying the electric bill.
4) 500,000 - Suddenly someone heard a Jewish accent there in the
dark.
5) None. Since by this time IRAQ has flinched, the USA and ISRAEL
have nuked everything in that oversided volley-ball pit/sand
trap/waterless beach/sheet-of-glass-to-be we know as the middle
east and everything glows on it`s own.
Little Johnny went off to his first day of school as a freshman. When he
got home, his mother asked him how his first day of high school was.
"Just fantastic mom!" replied Johnny. His mother asked him what was so
great about it. "I had sex with my teacher!!!" said Johnny. His mother
was so upset, she sent him up to his room. "I'm going to speak with your
father about this" she said.
When Johnny's father came home, the mother briefed him. "I'll go upstairs
and have a talk with him", said the father.
Johnny's father walked into the room. "How was your first day of school
Johnny?"
"Gee dad, it was the best day of my life! I had sex with my teacher!"
His father was a bit more understanding than his mother...
"Well, Johnny - you really upset your mother. But I understand these
things. You see, I had sex with my teacher too - but I was 17 when that
happened - you're only 14! You must really have charmed her! Yeah, you
really climbed one-up on your old man. I'm actually kind of proud of you!
What do you say we go out and buy that new bike you always wanted?"
"Nah, thanks anyway dad - my butt's still REAL sore - I couldn't ride that
thing for a month."
Giuseppe and Luigi were having a drink one day, when Giuseppe leaned
across the table and said "Luigi, you lika woman witha snaggle tooth and a
little brown mustachio?" And Luigi says, "No Giuseppe, I no lika sucha
woman?" An Giuseppe says, "Hey Luigi, you lika woman witha bigga fat
thighs witha lotsa hair anna bigga wide butt?" Luigi says "Hey Giuseppe,
why you aska me question lika dat? I no lika sucha woman." And Giuseppe
says "Luigi, you lika woman who don't take a bath too often, and gotta
smell lika old fish?" And Luigi says, "Giuseppe, I don't know why you
aska questions lika this? Whatsa matter you?" And Giuseppe says "Well
Luigi if you no lika woman lika that, why you humpa my wife?"
I had quite an experience today. I was in the mall parking lot and there
was this woman getting in her car. She was about to close the door when
this other woman tried to park beside her and hit her car, slamming the
door on her foot. I ran over to see what I could do to help and I almost
puked. The door had completly severed the womans big toe off. I tried to
stop the bleeding as much as I could, then ran to the phone and called an
ambulance. The ambulance arrived and as the paramedics were stuffing her
into the ambulance I asked one of the paramedics"Aren't you going to take
her toe along so the doctor can sew it back on???"."Nope",said the
paramedic,"you got to call a toe truck for that."
How can you tell who the stock brokers are today?
The're the ones robbing the muggers in Central park!
Billy crystal was on Saturday Night Live, and during rahersals he
accedentally slamed a door on his finger. The finger was severed at the
first joint. They were about to leave for the hospital when Billy Crystal
insisted they find his finger so the docs could sew it back on. Everyone
looked. Finally, a union man found it in the latch of the door. "Well
bring it over," they cried, and he said, "I can't -- I'm Set. Hey, Props!"
BE ALERT!!
STAY ALIVE!!
CHOKE YOUR CHICKEN WHILE YOU DRIVE!!!!!!!
Why don't little duckies pee??
Cause they don't have a quack..
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster clucks defiance.
Doctor Livingston is out exploring new territory somewhere on the deep
dark continent. He stumbles upon a tribal village.
As he walks down the street of the village, he sees a sign for "CHEZ
CANIBAL - The Finest in Exotic Meats" and goes in.
He's looking over the deli case and sees "MONKEY BRAINS: $0.49 per lb"
next, he sees "ENGLISH EXPLORER BRAINS: $2.79 per lb" next, he sees
"AMERICAN LAWYER BRAINS: $1,935,932,710.99 per lb".
Doctor Livingston asked the attendant "Why are the AMERICAN LAWYER BRAINS
so expensive?" And the attendant replied "Do you know how many American
Lawyers we have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
Two young lawyers decide to get married. They go off on their honey moon
and when asked by their friends how it was, they smile and say it was
nice. When pressed about how it was for them "their first time" they both
get a puzzled look on their face. "Don't you know about sex?" asked their
friend. "No, why?" was the reply. "Why don't you go and see a doctor
then!"
Fearing this disease "sex", the young lawyer takes his wife to the doctor
and asks what sex is. The doctor says, "if you don't know by now, I
should probably show you." So the doctor undresses the female lawyer,
lays her on the examaning table, and makes mad, passionate love to her.
When the doctor finished, he asks the husband, "now do you have any
questions?" And the young lawyer replies, "well, yes - how often do I
have to bring her in?"
a lawyer and another man are standing on the street when a very attractive
women walks past strutting her stuff. The young man says "man I'd like to
really screw her!" theres a pause and the lawyer turns to him and asks
"out of what?"
why don't lawyer's wifes get AIDS?
They marry assholes, they don't screw them!!!
Why can't lawyers take a bath ... oil and water don't mix.
What's the easiest way to grease a Ferarri? Run over a lawyer.
During the early 1970's, who led the American League in home runs?
Answer: Hank Arron
During that same period, who led in RBI's?
Answer: Hank Arron
During that same period, who had the most balls in the face?
Answer: Liberace!
What is a good example of a "perfect marriage"?
A lawyer and a proctologist.
A bridge collapsed near Oklahoma City in May when a 24-year-old truck driver
failed to heed the sign warning of a 5-ton weight limit. He was carrying more
than 41 tons of gravel.
Robert Haag, 33, of Arizona was charged in January with attempting to steal a
27-ton, car-sized meteorite from Chaco province in Argentina and to smuggle it
out of the country.
Why cant louis enjoy his favorite form of sex anymore ?
he has got too many blisters on his hand !!!
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to
all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very
serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.
-=*=-
abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any
customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of
removing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
Reunite Gondwanaland!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
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(I fell off my chair laughing)
Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Jewish women won't buy anything unless it's 20% off!
What's the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
What do you get when you cross a Jewish American princess and a
computer?
A computer that never goes down on you.
Why did the Police take the 911 emergency number off the back of their
cars?
The Mexicans kept stealing them thinking they were Porsche's
Get your modem runnin, Head out for the Highwaves!
Why did the moron drive his truck off the cliff?
He wanted to try out the air brakes
two polacks bought a bird dog and took him to the country afters
hours and hours they both looked at each other in dispair , so one said
to the other ;
" Okay if that dumb son of a bi*h don't fly this time , we shoot
his a*s !"
What's the difference between DARK and HARD?
-- It stays *dark* all night.
Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)
THE SUBJECT WAS CAMELS (Ships of the desert)
A traveling salesman had a route that took him half way round
a large desert. He would stop at each small town on the
deserts edge deliver supplies from his last visit and get new
orders for the next trip out. It would take him eight weeks to
reach the furthest village, and then eight week back to get the
goods. He often wished he could ride straight across the
desert and save the long trip back. But it was an estimated
eight day trip and no camel could go longer that seven days
without water.
One day when he got to the last villiage he saw a sign for an
eight day camel. This he thought would solve all his problems
and give him more time to spend with his young wife and family.
So he rented the camel and started out across the desert. On
the seventh day the camel died! By some small miracle he was
able to walk out of the desert. But he spent seven weeks
recovering and gained no time at all not to mention the ordeal
he went through.
On his next trip, when he arrived at the last outpost he saw
the same sign and went up the the owner to complain. "Very
strange", said the owner. Then proceeded to question him.
"Did you have the camel drink eight times as I told you?"
"Yes I did!" "Well then did you do the clap?"
"The clap? What are you talking about?"
"When the camel is taking his final drink you pick up two
brinks and clap them smartly on the camels balls. He will then
suddenly suck up the extra water necessary to go eight days."
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked the salesman.
"Oh no! Just be careful not to get your thumbs in between the
bricks!"
I could get along REAL WELL with Kirstie Alley!
if not dazzle=brilliance, let baffle=bullshit
Why are they sending Women into space as astronauts these days?
because they weigh less than dishwashers.....
The United States has
President Bush....Johnny Cash.....Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder.
Canada has Mulroney,
NO CASH....NO HOPE ---- NO WONDER !!!!!
W O R S E !!
Larry the friendly policeman answered the call. The lady who
answered the door was to put it kindly VERY old. She explained
that she was raped while walking thru the park.
When did this happen asked officer friendly. Oh about 45 years
ago.
Then why are you reporting it?
I'm not reporting it! I just like to talk about it!
Beatings will continue until morale improves
Q. What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
A. Because it can't sit down.
Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A. At the bottom of the document.
Q. Why where the Indians the first people in America?
A. They had reservations.
Q: What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD?
A: You can sleep with a *light* on.
Why don't women have any trouble with their assholes?
Because each morning they pack 'em a lunch and send 'em off to work
ASTROLOGY
Astrology itself is part of a whole glob, and a lot of other
things, mostly astrological. It probably would never have
been if pre-historic man hadn't gone outside of his cave one
dark night, looked up and seen those twinkly things glittering
in the sky.
They were lightening bugs. But beyond them were stars and
planets. And pre-historic man was happy about that because
stars don't bite......
-----------------------
Glossary of Terms
-----------------------
ASTROLOGER: A very, very lucky person.
ASTROLOGY: The study of girls' backsides.
CONSTELLATION: Connie Stevens' real name.
CUSP: Talking dirty, e.g., "cusp words."
HEAVENLY BODY: Often a girl.
MARS: Contains nuts and chocolate, and gets in your teeth.
MERCURY: A nice car, but it'll never work in a thermometer.
MOON: A sun playing it cool.
PLANET: What you do with a potato.
RAYS: Something you ask your boss for.
SECOND HOUSE: The one you rent for that "certain someone."
SIGN: Something an Indian gives.
SPHERE: To talk dirty with a German accent,
e.g., "sphere verds."
STAR: An actor who has a press agent.
ZODIAC: A deranged person who steals Zodes.
A man goes to the psychiatrist a nervous wreck. The shrink tells him to
sit down and explain his problem.
He says, "Well, doc, I keep having this dream where I am at this party
full of people and I look across the room and there is a
beautiful blonde woman and she walks over and our hands touch
and instantly we are alone in a room, naked. But then an
equally gorgeous brunette appears and the blonde yells 'You
snake, why did you bring me with her here?!" and then she hits
me and I wake up in a cold sweat and doc you gotta help me!"
"Ok, ok, calm down", the shrink says, "Anything can happen in a
dream. The next time you dream this, when the brunette appears,
pick up the phone and call me and I will appear naked and take
the brunette into another room and you can say you did not know
we were there and you can have a ball."
The man leaves. Two days later another man comes in and says:
"Doc, you have to help me. I am a lawyer, and I should not be dreaming
this but I do. I am alone in an 18-wheeler and I am driving
along, very happy, and suddenly it is raining and I am very
tired and I am going to kill a lot of people and you have to
help me! PLEASE! I will do anything!"
Again, the doc says, "Calm down, calm down. The next time you dream
this, stop the truck and get out and I will come and drive for
awhile until you are awake, then you will be fine and can take over."
So the man goes away, and the first man comes back three days later even
more of a wreck and exclaims:
"Doc, you gotta help me get some sleep, I can't sleep at all anymore!"
"Ok," the doctor says, "When you had your dream again, didn't you call me?"
"Yeah", the patient says, "your wife answered and said you were helping
a guy drive a truck to Cleveland!"
First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries...
Bow your head with great respect,
and genuflect, genuflect, genuflect....
If you drive a Yugo and Yucrash, Yudie!!!
Oh yeah, Dave Letterman a few years back on his 'top ten' list
of rejected car names was the Yugo Scr*w Yourself!!
WHEN CLOWNS GO BAD
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
There's a new source of trouble in your neighborhood
Now it's spreadin' everywhere and you know it ain't good
Floppy shoes
Silly clothes
They scare your children with a fake rubber nose
When clowns go bad
When clowns go bad
You know it's such a disgrace
You get a pie in the face
When clowns go bad
Now they're comin' from the circus and they're robbin' liquor stores
They don't tip the waiters and they're trickin' the whores
Orange hair
Painted grins
Ain't gonna see 'em jugglin' bowling pins
When clowns go bad
When clowns go bad
Now ain't it a shame
Barnum-Bailey is to blame
When clowns go bad
They're mugging old ladies for their government checks
And all the boys down at precinct are emotional wrecks
Krazy Kars
Polka dots
They're drinkin' Pabst Blue Ribbon in the church parking lot
When clowns go bad
When clowns go bad
The world's in a mess
If it's comin' down to this
And clowns go bad
A man was cleaning up the elephant's dung at the circus one day
when a fellow walked up and asked him "Is that what you do all day?"
"Yup. Been doin' it fer yars!" He replied.
"Man I would never clean elephant sh*t for a living. Did you ever think
of quitting?" He asked.
"What? And give up show business!!"
A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doc I have a problem. Two months
ago my cousin died and left me $75,000. Last month my Uncle died and
left me $100,000."
"Yes, what seems to be your problem then?" asked the doctor.
"This month, nothing!"
Dare I buy that book on self-assertiveness?
An old cowboy was sitting in a bar somewhere in west texas, animatedly
telling all his drinking buddies about the contest he won.
"Yeah boys, I realy won that free trip to Ney York City, It's gonna be
grand," the old cowboy remarked. The questions and advice flowed as freely
as the beer and the wiskey that night.
"I hear the women in New York are som-thin-else!" remarked one friend.
"Yeah, and there's supposed to be some fine sippin' whiskey there too."
another added.
"Oh boy, and remember to try one of 'dem New York cut steaks, I hears that
they are out da dis world!!". Chimed in one of his more enibriated companions.
The discussion lasted into the night. The old cowboy was ready in the
morning though, and at eight 'o clock sharp a limo rolled in to pick him up.
He got on a plane at the airport and flew first class, non-stop to New York
City. Whereupon he was picked up by another limo and taken to a very nice
hotel. He had just enough time to put his bags in his room before he met with
the tour group and started seeing the city. The bus let him off back at the
hotel a little before eight, and he was starving!
Deciding not to forage into the city again till he had some real food,
he ventured down to the hotel restaurant. He was seated by the Matre 'd. and
given a menu to which he quickly replied "Oh, I don't need no menu, I already
knows what I want. Bring me one of those New York cut steaks!"
"Yes Missuer, right away." the Matre 'd replied. Knowing that this cowboy
was some VIP he decided to serve him, himself. A few minutes later he brought
a bowl of piping hot soup and crackers. This did not get the reaction he
expected though.
The cowboy politely turned to him and said "Sir I asked for a steak, not
soup."
"But Missuer, the steak, it comes with soup." The Matre 'd replied.
"I don't care," returned the cowboy, "Bring me my steak!" with that he
shoved the soup back hard enough to make it spill. The Matre 'd picked up the
soup with a "hummp" and returned soon with a wornderful New York strip that was
perfection in every way. The Cowboy dug into this with gusto and consumed a
vast amount of wine in the process. He then set out on the town to see the
night life available in this city. In the proccess he got quite drunk, and
when it came time to go home he just looked for the biggest building he could
find and assumed it was the hotel. It was in fact a hospital, and as the old
cowboy staggerd dukenly down the corridor looking for his room, he came to a
room numbered as his was back in the hotel. Whereupon he burst in, rolled the
patient out of bed and fell face first, passed out cold. As it happens the
aforementioned patient was due for an enima about midnight. So not long after
this takeover, in walks several husky orderlies who proceed to give the
protesting cowboy a good cleanning out. Very early that morning the nurse
making the rounds discovered the travesty, and proceeded to roust the still
drunken cowboy out of bed and run him out of the hospital. Eventally after some
wandering around the cowbow sobered up enough to find his way back to the hotel
He packed his bags and met the limo in front of the hotel. He rode back
in the opposite order he came, until he again sat back at the local tavern
having a few beers with his friends.
"Come on, tell us about New York, was the women as fine as they say?"
asked one eager buddy.
" Well I'll tell you boys, The women in New York, Theys as fine as they
come, and the whiskey there, mmmmmmm, it's so smooth. And that New York cut
steak, MMMMM MMM," and then he took on a more serious tone, "But let me tell
you boys somethin', if you're ever in New York and you order one of those New
York cut steaks, and they bring you soup, .. EAT THE SOUP!, 'Cause if you
don't, the're commin' in in the middle of the night and shove it up your ass!!"
a man being led to the electric chair says "Well, this will
certainly teach me a lesson."
A man with a pain in his arm called a doctor to make an appointment. The
secretary told him to bring a sample of his morning urine with him. Upon
arriving at the doctor's office, the doctor told him that he had a new
diagnostic device that could accurately diagnose his problem by
analyzing
a sample of his morning urine. The man handed the sample to the doctor,
who poured it into the machine and pressed a button. Thirty seconds
later
a printout came out of the machine. The doctor looked at it and said,
"You have tennis elbow." The man scoffed, "That's impossible, I don't
even play tennis. The machine is a piece of junk." The doctor replied,
"I'm sorry, but this is the most advanced diagnostic device we have. Why
don't we try it again tomorrow with another sample of your urine?"
Relucantly, the man agreed. However, he decided to play a trick on the
doctor, and got his wife to urinate in the cup, then got his daughter to
urinate in the cup, then he poured some engine oil from his car into the
cup, and finally, he urinated into the cup himself. The next day he
handed the cup to the doctor, who poured the contents into the machine
and said, "Since you were so skeptical yesterday, I am putting the
machine on its finest setting, to tell us all the information it
possibly can about your condition." The doctor pressed a few buttons,
and this time the machine took a few minutes to produce a printout. The
doctor looked at it and scratched his head, puzzled. Finally, he said,
"This is very strange, but according to the machine, your wife is
fucking everyone in town, your daughter is a lesbian, your car needs a
tune up, and you will never get rid of tennis elbow if you don't stop
jerking off!"
Did you hear about the Greek guy who left home because
his father wouldn't get off his back.
He had to go back home because he couldn't leave his
brothers' behind.
Did you hear about the Greek guy who was charged with
buggery?
He hired a smart lawyer and had the charge reduced to
"following too close".
Friends don't let friends use ProComm!
Jane and John met at a Christmas party, dated a few times, and
decided to get married as soon as possible. This acomplished,
they set off for their honeymoon in Orlando.
There they were, drinks in hand, sunning themselves by the pool
in the lazy sun. John asks Jane "Honey, do you mind if I go for
a little swim?". She replies "Why no, hon, you go right ahead".
So John climbs onto the diving tower, and, to Jane's mixed
delight and astonishment, peforms a faultless 2<> turn back flip
off the 10 metre board, entering the water like a razor blade.
He hoists himslef out of the pool, shakes the water from his
ears, flops back into his chair, takes a pull of his drink, and
Jane says "John! You never told me you were such a good diver!".
"No," he smiles lazily, "we didn't get much time to learn a lot
about each other before getting married, did we? I had some
basic Olympic training in university, nearly made the state
team!".
Jane digests this, takes another pull of her drink, then asks
"John, do you mind if I go for a little swim?". "Hell, no,
honey, you go right ahead", he replies indulgently.
In contrast to John, Jane tests the water with her toes, then
gingerly eases herself into the shallow end. Once in, however,
it's fwoooooooosh! to the other end, an underwtaer flip, and
fwooooooooosh! back to the shallow end. This is reaptead six
times, after which she climbs back out, shakes out her hair, and
towels herself dry without any sign of fast breathing or
exhaustion of any kind.
"Jane!", her ever-lovin' exclaims, "You never told me you could
swim like THAT!". "No," she smiles lazily, "we didn't get much
time to learn a lot about each other before getting married, did
we? I used to be a hooker in Venice!".
RAYMOND B. NORMANDEAU
Press Secretary for Queensbridge Houses Tenant Council
Apartment 5B, 41-04 Vernon Boulevard, Long Island City, NY 11101 *
September 7, 1990
SOLOMON PEEPLES
NEW YORK CITY DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH
PEST CONTROL
12-26 31 AVENUE
ASTORIA, LONG ISLAND CITY, NY 11102
Greetings
I am writing on the behalf of the eighteen thousand residents of
Queensbridge Houses, the largest New York City Housing Authority
housing project.
There recently seems to have been an upsurge in mice and rat
infestation in and about Queensbridge Houses. In my own apartment my
wife and I caught 10 or 11 mice within the last 2 months. We have
been living in our apartment since 1973 and it is only this summer
that we have EVER seen a mouse in our apartment.
It has been suggested that we get a cat to catch mice.
As our lease with the New York City Housing Authority says that pets
are not allowed, I called the New York City Housing Authority Legal
Department to discuss this matter.
New York City Housing Authority Legal Department attorney Ted
Kwasnik on September 7, 1990 stated that pets are not allowed in
apartments and that animals are pets. I then pointed out my
understanding that a legal precedent had been set establishing that
Seeing Eye Dogs were not considered pets, as their purpose was not
that of providing companionship etc. that pets normally provide, but
rather that Seeing Eye Dogs were used for a particular purpose other
then that commonly defined as the purpose of a pet.
Mr Kwasnik then stated: "You would have to get your cat certified
like a Seeing Eye Dog gets certified, so if there is a training
school that certifies cats as mice catchers, I think that you'll win
your case."
My purpose in writing to you is to ascertain what if any precedence
has been set in NYC in regards to apartment dwellers having cats for
the purpose of catching mice and if your office has any information
regarding certification of cats as mice catchers. Could the New York
City Housing Authority contest the cat's certification if a minimum
amount of mice were not caught in a given time frame, and what
proof, if any, could the New York City Housing Authority require,
that a "Mouse Catcher" cat was indeed catching mice? If the New York
City Housing Authority required proof of mouse catching and the cat
ate most of the mouse, could the New York City Housing Authority
Legal Department possibly be satisfied by giving them a piece of
tail?
Thank you.
So many Jerks, so few bullets
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise!
"Mommy, mommy, why is Daddy running down the street?"
-- "Shut up and reload."
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough & stringy
Pardon my driving; I'm trying to reload.
An Aggie was driving through the streets of Fort Worth when he spotted
a frog sitting by the side of the road. The frog had long eye lashes
and seemed to be batting it's eyes and smiling at him.
Intrigued, the Aggie stopped his car and rolled down the window. The
Frog jumped in his car and sat on his front passenger seat. So, the
Aggie resumed driving with the Frog at his side.
Every now and then he would glance over at the frog and it seemed to
be smiling and batting it's eyes at him. He wondered ... what if? ...
He leaned over, kissed the frog and:
\ /
<20><> POOF <20><>
/ \
It turned into a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde. She smiled, batted her
eyes and they began a conversation. As they drove on and talked,
their friendship seemed to be developing then she began to wonder
"what would happen if..." she leaned over, kissed the Aggie and:
\ /
<20><> POOF <20><>
/ \
He turned into a motel (hey, not all Aggies are stupid!).
Guy 1: Old McDonald had a farm, eh I eh I oh. And on this farm
he had some pigs.
Guy 2: What? is your sister on his farm?
Why do they have billboards on the highway that say:
ARE YOU ILLITERATE ???
Or the signs on the Post Office doors that say:
NO ANIMALS ALOUD, EXCEPT SEEING EYE DOGS
Or the signs in resterants that read:
MENUS AVAILABLE IN BRAIL
Boy, EZ-RDR sure is QWK.
Live now -- procrastinate tomorrow!
"Mommy, mommy...I don't wanna see Grandma."
"Shut up and keep digging."
"Mommy, mommy...I don't wanna make cookies."
"Shut up and get in the oven."
Q> Why wasn't Jesus born in Quebec?
A> They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q> Why did they raise the drinking age to 35 in Quebec?
A> To keep the High School students out of the bars.
Prune juice--it keeps you runnin'
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he'll bill you for five!
After his death, a man found himself
in hell being led by a demon to the place
where he would stoka a fire throughout
eternity.
As he walked, he noticed a man, whom
he knew had been a lawyer on earth, making
passionate love to a beautiful and voluptuous
woman.
Turning to the demon he asked, "Why
is that being permitted while I must tend
a fire for eternity?"
To which the demon replied, "It is
not for you to judge her punishment!"
A lawyer was awakened one night.
When he looked up ther stood the devil.
"What do you want said the lawyer?" "I am
going to give you all the money you can
ever spend in exchange for your soul,
your wife's soul, and the souls of your
children," said the devil. "Sounds good,"
said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"
What's the first thing you should
do after running over a Lawyer?
Back up.
What do you get when you cross a
lawyer and a snake?
Incest
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ
of 50?
Your honor.
What's the difference between God
and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
How can you tell a dead lawyer form
a dead skunk lying in the middle of the
road?
There are skidmarks in front of the
skunk.
Well, lawyers aren't that bad . . . if you cook 'em long enough!
Did you hear about the lawyer who's wife complained that thing were
getting dull in bed? (hard to believe, huh?)
She suggested that he might try a little bondage next time they get
amorous....
So he slapped a restraining order on her.
D'ja hear about the nun who rode her bicycle over a cobblestone road?
She said, "I'll never come that way again."
Why do scottish sheepherders wear kilts?
Cause the zippers scare the sheep.
This farm couple were rocking away on the porch one night after chores and
the farmer reached over to his wife and grabbed her by the breast. He
said, "You know if these would give milk most of the year, we could get
rid of the cows."
Little while later he grabbed her by the crouch and said, "If this would
lay eggs most of the year, we could get rid of the chickens."
They kept rocking away and a little later his wife grabbed him by the
crouch and said, "You know, if this thing could get stiff once in awhile
we could get rid of your brother."
Seen on the back of a truck:
If it's got tits or wheels, sooner or later it'll give you trouble!
Here's a bumper sticker I saw:
Sometimes I wake up grumpy in the morning. Sometimes I let her sleep.
Saw a bumper sticker that said:
This truck is protected by a pit bull with aids.
Guy goes up to a fey little fellow and says, "Can you direct me to the
brooklyn ferry boat?"
"Gosh," the little man says, "I knew we were organized, but I didn't
know we had our own navy."
I had similar experience. I was in the mall when this woman was being
attacked by a man. She was driving a brand new van. She grabbed the
aerial off of the van and swung it toward the man, stabbing him in the
chest. He died violently.
When itcame to court, the judge ruled that the woman was innocent
of all wrong doing and that the man had died of a vanaerial disease.
I had a strange experience last week. I was in a bar, there were these two
good looking women in the corner, so I said "Hey bartender I want to by
those two women a drink". The bartender gagged and said "NO NO they are
lesbians, you don't want to have anything to do with them". Well I finally
talked the bartender into taking them each a drink. They looked over at
me, smiled, got up and sat down beside me. The biggest one said "that was
a very nice thing you did. Most men wouldn't give us the time of day.
Would you like to feel my friend's tits"? She pulled up her friend's
sweater and I went to it. "this is easy" I thought to myself as visions of
two on one went through my mind. So I said "Bartender! another round" The
big one was delighted and said "Oh most men wouldn't do that for us, would
like to smell my friends pussy"? Naturally I said yes. So she stuck out
her tongue and held it under my nose.
A man returned from the Iraqi War and he is met by his family at
the port. His daughter turns to her mother and says, "Look daddy has a
purple heart on." Her mother quickly replies, "Here's a dollar, I don't
care what color it is, go see a movie."
What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the ground?
Ptuiiiiii. . . . .
There was a woodpecker from texas went to see his cousin in Alaska. His
cousin said, "See that tree over there? I have been trying to peck a
hole in that tree for five years, no luck." So the cousin from Texas
said, "Hey let me try, I might be able to do it." Within seconds he had
an enormous hole drilled in the tree.
A year later the Alaskan wood pecker visited his counsin in texas.
The Texan woodpecker said, "You know, I have this tree over here where
Ihave been trying for 10 years to poke a hole without success." His
Alaskan cousin said, "Let me try, maybe I can doit." He went directly to
the tree and poked a huge hole in the hardwood Texan tree.
The moral of the story is:
The further you're away from home the harder your pecker gets.
Jesus and Moses went to the links one morning to play a round of
golf. Moses, out of deference, allowed Jesus to tee off first. The
Lord squared up to the tee and proceeded to whack his ball directly
into a water hole. Feeling it inappropriate that he should make his
Master chase down His own slice, Moses offered to recover the ball.
He proceeded to trot down to the water trap. He raised his arms,
parting the water, and walked out into the water trap to recover the
ball.
Finally, Moses returned to the tee, puffing and panting. He handed
Jesus his ball, only to see Him repeat His previous shot. "I'm
getting too old for this," Moses said. "You'll have to go get it
Yourself."
Jesus agreed and headed off to recover his ball. In the meantime,
another group came up to the tee where Moses was. Seeing Jesus
walking around on top of the water hazard, looking for his ball, the
new arrival remarked, "Who's he think he is? Jesus Christ?"
"No," Moses replied. "He thinks He's Arnold Palmer."
After many years of marriage John was suddenly very ill. The
doctors ran test after test but could not determine what was
wrong. Finally he was admitted to hospital. Every day he got
worse and worse. Just when everything looked blackest he woke
up asked for eggs and grits. Soon he was nearly back to his
old self and was told they would release him the next day.
To surprise her husband, Joan showed up in a limousine. John
was surprised at her extravagance but held his piece. After
riding for a while he could not contain himself and complained
about the expense of renting a "limo".
"Oh, don't worry about the money dear, we own it."
This was almost too much for John. "My God, women where do you
get off taking our life savings and buying such a toy!"
"Now, now dear, don't get upset. I didn't touch a penny of the
savings. As a matter of fact there are a few other things I
need to tell you about." Then she proceed to point out
several pieces of property that they own, some of them large
downtown buildings.
Just a little more than little impressed he asks where all the
money came from to acquire all this wealth.
"Do you remember when we got married and every time we made
love you put $10 in a jar? Well, I invested the money and over
the years have built up a nice retirement account."
"Jeees", he said, "If I'd a know that, I'd a given you all my
business!!"
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