textfiles/humor/JOKES/jokes2.txt

  There was a woman who loved the game show Jeopardy and she
watched it every night.  While it was on one night her husband
was in the kitchen making tea and he dropped the pot on his foot
and yelled "Jesus Christ".  From the other room his wife yelled
back "Who is the son of God?"

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                    ³  No puns today please! ³
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                              /
                        ð8^)-þþþ͵
                              \
Cows - a bovine experience.

             Great big gobs of greasy, grimey, gopher's guts,
             Mutilated monkey meat,
             Little birdies dirty feet.
             Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher's guts,
             And I forgot my spoon!

Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian

"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."

Hear about the man who was half Japanese and half Negro?
Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey!

I met this girl last night, she was half French, and half
Chinese.
When I took her home, she ate my laundry!

 2B|^2B      Message about Shakespeare
 (-_-)       Secret smile
 <{:-)}      Message in a bottle...
 <:-)<<|     Message from a space rocket...
 (:-...      Heart-breaking message...
 <<<<(:-)    Message from a hat sales-man...
 (:>-<       Message from a thief: hands up!
 <I==I)      A message on four wheels

 The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother
 about life. "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've
 got to withstand  storms, drought, wind, animals--not to
 mention bugs, lice, mold, rot.  But, if you don't give up,
 you'll thrive and grow." "Life certainly is a gamble,"
 agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you
 haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?" "As in any
 other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a
 head!"

     I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the
     south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches
     them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins.
     He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.



Speaking of Spiney Norman, a Hedgehog:
    Not many people are aware that he doesn't work alone; much of the
time he is accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I didn't
realize it myself until I spent a vacation in the islands.
Unfortunately I happened to pick a time when the two of them were
terrorizing the countryside.
    One day I went down to the beach prepared to do some jogging and
maybe ride the waves when I noticed this palm tree at the shore
had been almost completely devoured by some giant creature. I
asked a native whether the tree had been destroyed by Norman or
Celste and he asked me why I cared. My response was "If Norman
ate it I will not run, if Celeste did I will not surf".


And of course you heard about the Pole and the Czech who
went hunting...
   The rangers had warned them about the bears, but they felt
they were well enough equipped.  So when the two were two
days late the rangers went into the forest to find them.
   Their campsite was a shambles, but no sign could be found of
the two hunters; but from the behavior of a couple of bears
in the neighborhood, the rangers were sure they knew what
had happened.  They shot the bears, and cut them open.  They
found the remains of the Pole in the female.
   The Czech was in the male.

There was a girl from Dung-D
Who got raped by an ape in a tree.
The results were most horrid,
all ass and no forehead,
3 balls an a purple gautee...

    There once was a Lady from Whealing.
    Who had a Very Particular Feeling.
    She'd Lay on he Back.
    And Piddle with he Crack.
    And Pee All over the cieling

I know what I believe in. I believe I'll have another beer.

Sticker: ' I'm not as stoned as you think I am! '
Sticker: ' If you're a real Canadian, show me your beaver! '
Sticker: ' There are no good losers- just good actors. '


     For the grand opening of a super-de-luxe deli in Vegas,
     the proud owner stopped at nothing to shout the news
     about! He even hired two ping-pong players to play on a
     table in front of the new deli. Since it WAS a deli,
     the players used pickles instead of balls, and the
     crowd cheered wildly as the pickles were batted back
     and forth across the net. They called it, of course,
     "The Volley of the Dills."

When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble
selling it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of
making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go
around the country installing lights in different towns in
order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison
stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights
in any building they wanted.  After much thought the Indian
chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he
could see what he was doing at night. This made him the
first man to wire a head for a reservation!

There once was a woman from Sydney
Who could take it in up to her kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn't he?

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
But Jack was slow
And Jack wasn't quick
Jack caught fire and burnt his pants.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be!

Harry Sharp finally developed a way to clone human beings.   To test it,
he made a duplicate of himself, and took the duplicate before a board of
peers.   However, Harry's system had some bugs.   At the review, Harry,
asked his duplicate to recite the method of cloning for the board, upon
which the duplicate recited the most foul string of obscenities ever
heard.   Haarry was aghast, and struck the duplicate, causing it to fall
to it's death from the 5th floor room they were in.   Harry was arrested
and charged with making an obscene clone fall.

Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken
treasure, but had had no luck.   One day, while wading back onto the
beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and
emeralds!   Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it
just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!"

Never try to outstubborn a cat.


How do frogs die?  Ker-mit suicide

  One evening, a little boy greets his father after work, and
notices a condom fall out of the pocket as the man takes off his
coat.  Dear old dad doesn't notice until the child opens the
packet and examines the device close-up.
  "Daddy, what's this for?" he asks innocently.
  "Er, um, that's to keep my cigarettes dry when it's raining
out! Yeah."  The boy is satisfied with the explanation and goes
about his buisness.
  A week goes by, and the kid remembers that tomorrow is his
father's birthday.  He scrimps up as much change as he can and
heads for the Five & Ten shop, looking for a gift.  The first
thing he notices is a condom display rack.  Excitedly, he
approaches a clerk.
  "Miss, are those Trojans over there?" he asks excitedly.
  "Um, yes they are, little boy..." the clerk answers unsurely.
  "I wanna buy a box!" he proudly announces.
  "Yes, of course.  And what size will that be?"
  "I don't care, as long as they're big enough to fit a Camel! "


How many women do you know that you CAN trust?!?!
One.  She is not born yet and her mother is dead.

A bald guy was talking to a friend. He said his wife had
been kidding him that his bald head felt just like her
ass. The friend reached out and rubbed his head, nodded wisely
and said, "You know, she's right!"

For further information.. send $5.00..NOW!

Why does a computer and a woman have in common?
-You have to punch information into both of them.

Why do women have legs?
-So they don't leave a trail like a slug.

What's the purpose of a woman?
-Cat life-support system.

What's the first thing a gentleman does with his a-hole in the morning?
-Wakes her up and gets her to make coffee.

What's awesome, blonde, blue and red at the same time?
-My girlfriend watching me type this- AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

"Being Sexy Isn't Easy, but Someone's Gotta Do It!"

"There are some things I like about you, but I can't put my
 fingers on them..."

"Being close to you truly warms my heart. Plus a few other
 places I can't mention."

Go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall. I did.

I went fishing one day, just for the halibut.
All I caught was a haddock,
So I went home and took too many aspirins,
And then my herring got impaired.

It's not that I don't trust you ììì Or is it?

Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up
a fast food seafood restaurant??
one was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in
France????
Linoleum blown-apart.

"Get the point?," he said sharply!

How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
Take down its genes.

I used to make a lot of puns about autos.
Hood ever believe you'd get such mileage from them?
You could have fueled me!

I used to invite this gal to my apartment to help me make
hamburgers.
I called her my grille friend!

Hear about the woman that used a glass diaphragm?
She wanted a womb with a view.

You all know about the 2 Pollacks that went bear-hunting?
They saw a sign in the road that said "Bear Left", so they turned
around and went home...

There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head
Claimed they looked like hares from a distance.

WARNING! SAFESEX.ZIP is a Trojan

Up at Dartmouth, there's a biologist experimenting with
changing the behavior patterns of rodents. When asked about
his work, he usually says he pulls habits out of rats.

A student at Boston University wavered for some time between
a career as a proctologist or a job as a barber. He eventually
flipped a coin to see how it came out; heads... or tails.

After his classroom had been remodeled, the college professor
was heard mooning about, missing the good old dais.

A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was
sporting a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door,
he replied he had been struck by the beauty of the place.

Similar story deals with the two Ukrainians (Canadian version
of Polack) who had hired on at the telephone company. The foreman sent
them out into the pole yard to see how high the poles stacked there
were. After they had been gone for 15 minutes, he went out to see
what was causing the delay. One of them was holding a pole upright
in his arms, while his parter was up the pole in his climbing irons,
with a measuring tape in has hands. "What the hell are you two doing?
he asked. "Measure them on the ground!" The guy holding the pole turned
and said, "You said measure how high, not how long!"

Two Ukrainians went hunting. One accidentally shot the other. The
shootee rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they
wheeled his friend into the O.R. Ten minutes later the doctor
came out peeling off is gloves and shaking his head. Our friend
Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?" The doctor said his
friend was dead. "Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter.
"Well," replied the doctor, "if that ever happens to you again,
for goodness sake, don't gut him!"

Did ya hear about the distraught Polish secretary?  She thought her
typewriter was pregnant because it kept missing periods....

Bumper stickers on taxis: Kamakazis do it once.
    Urban Assult Vehicle.

Signs with one letter missing:
 At a car wash -  "_OUCHLESS CAR WASH SYSTEM"
 At a Wendy's -  "NOW HIRING FULL TIME _LOSERS"

Other signs:
 On an asphalt truck - "LET US FILL YOUR CRACK"
 At an office -  "ACE EXTERMINATING - WE KILL BUGS DEAD
     WALK-IN'S WELCOME"
 At a muffler shop - "NO MUFF TOO TOUGH FOR US"
 At a garden shop - "WE NOW HAVE KRICKET KRAP"
 On a gov't issue car - "FULTON COUNTY DISASTER COORDINATOR"



                                                       Groan
                                                  Groan
                                             Groan
                                        Groan
                                   Groan
                              Groan
    Start here ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ> Groan

 Won't you listen to a groan up - Please no more PUN-ishment.

   So this sweet little old Jewish lady is walking down the street
   when she's suddenly accosted by a flasher -- the man jumps in
   front of her and whips open his coat!
       The lady stops, peers forward intently, and sniffs "Hah!  You
   call that a LINING?!?"

Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser

    Three old Ladies were walking down the stree when a Flasher came out and
    Flashed them.  The First old Lady had a Stroke and the Second old Lady
    had a stroke but the Third old lady couldn't reach it!

     A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the
     kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every
     stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had
     taken all the fun of it away." "Don't be a fool, my
     boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest
     form of philately."

What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!

A man went into a drug store and asked for some liniment.
"Walk this way" said the clerk. The man said: "If I could
walk that way, I wouldn't need the liniment"!

A man went into a drug store and asked the clerk: "Do you
have cotton balls?"    "No you idiot!", said the clerk,
"What do you think I am, a rag doll?"!

"But I DO work in a pretzel factory", he thought in his
twisted mind! Oops!, sorry, I was miles away...

Definition of a "commentator" -  an average potato.

My friend just fell in love with the head nurse at the hospital
where he is - I guess you can say that he's taken a turn for the
nurse!

And his brother the experimental Psychologist is still pulling
habits out of a rat.

Which reminds me of the dinner party I was at last night. It was
a candlelight affair; so when the hostess fell backwards onto the
table I shouted "You'll burn your end at both candles!"

And why couldn't the loutish baseball umpire have his little boy
sit in his lap?
Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

Long ago, Elmir the Curious sailed a small craft far away.
   He sought the Elixir of Youth. It was said that a bush grew
somewhere along the river bank, the leaves of which, when
cooked for many hours, produced a substance which could ward
off the effects of age.
   One afternoon he happened upon the bush!!!
   He cooked two vials of a strange pungent substance, and
called all the elders of the city, explaining that he was
prepared to sell his Elixir of Youth.
   How do we know it will work, they asked.
   Elmir was incensed by these doubts. As they watched he drank
it all himself.
   He never spoke of it again, though he lived for many years.
Many inquired, but his lips were sealed. You see, he had
invented Elmir's glue.


Hear about the Polacks shoes? They had TGIF on the top.
"Toes go in first"

 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
A widow.
What are those strange marks?  I typed in periods.

Jack:  Dack says he's related to you, and he can prove it.
Mack:  Dack's a fool.
Jack:  Well, yes, but that could be a coincidence.

Don't blame me, I voted for Bill 'n' Opus!

Sally:  I've lost my dog.
Allie:  Why don't you put an ad in the paper?
Sally:  That wouldn't help.  My dog can't read.

Will:  How much will it cost to take me to the train station?
Taxi driver:  Five dollars, sir.
Will:  How much will you charge to take my suitcase?
Taxi driver:  There's no charge for the suitcase.
WIll:  In that case, take the suitcase and I'll walk.

    There was once a small snail who always dreamed of
    becoming a race-car driver.One day he heard that an uncle of
    his had died and left him some money!Now his dream could be
    realized! He bought himself a car,souped it up, and then
    painted a large red "S" on it.     When he was at his first
    race,a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big
    red "S" on the car? Simple,the snail replied; when people
    see my car go zooming down the,track I want them all to
    exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw a sign for a doctor of Proctology in Columbia, MO, that said:
"Parking in Rear"

Q: Hear what Evil Kenevil's latest death defying stunt is going to be?
A: Walking across Newfoundland dressed as an Alter-boy.

What do you call a CAT who looks like yesterdays lunch?
BARFIELD..

Did you hear about the queer electron that used to go around
blowing fuses.

Incomplete Computer Glossary
============================
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in 'Our son's
     computer cost quite a bit.'
.
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much
      time bragging about your computer skills.
.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer
     screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine
     companies do to you after getting your name on the mailing list.
.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid
having
       to leave their computers for meals.
.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much
time
      at the computer and not enough time studying.
.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform
        as in "You $#$%c% computer!"
.
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard
      for seven hours at a clip.
.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you
      install you computer.
.
ERROR: What you made the first time you went into a computer showroom
       'just to look.'
.
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house
                your computer and all its peripherals.
.
FILE: What your secretary can do to her nails six and a half hours
      a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to
        la
*--* Qmodem Screen Dump  02/14/90 08:49:38
.
FILE: What your secretary can do to her nails six and a half hours
      a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to
        lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food. (See Chips).
.
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes ano other heave equipment
          you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
.
IBM: The kind of missile your family would like to drop on you so that
     you'll pay attention to them again.
.
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying your computer, since
      you'll be to poor to eat in a restaurant.
.
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word
         actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want
         to see you hall pass at school.
.
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television screen
          before you hooked you computer up to it.
.
RAM: What you do the side of you computer when it's not working
     properly.
 .
RETURN: What lot of people do to their computers after only a week and
        a half.
.
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains, and really good
deals
          on hot computers.
.
WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of when you accidentally erase
        a program that took you three days to set up.

If ever I were punished
For every little pun I said
There wouldn't be a puny shread
left of my punnish head.

The Golden Buddha Chinese Restaurant not far from my house has a
sign that says "Additional Parking in Rear of Golden Buddha..."

Have you ever noticed that the dictionary is ALREADY in
alphabetical order?!?

He's dim, Jed!

   An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle
   determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to
   appear only once in a hundred years.  Not wanting to
   frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark
   until midnight when the apparition became visible.  The
   ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for
   one snapshot.  The happy photographer popped a bulb into
   his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his
   studio, the photographer developed the negative and
   groaned.  It was underexposed and completely blank.  The
   spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

    There was once a man who was shipwrecked on an
    Island.The natives told him he could live there as long
    as he liked,with the only rule being that if a certain
    type of bird flies over the Island and shits on you,you
    cannot wipe it off for 3 days,or terrible misfortunes
    will befall you! Well,the man laughed to himself at this
    silly native superstition and went about his
    business.One day the bird (known by the natives as "the
    Foo Bird")did happen to fly across the Island,and sure
    enough!,shit on the man's head!Well,the man was
    disgusted and wiped it off immediately,paying no heed to
    the native's warnings. The next day he was swimming and
    was eaten by a huge great white shark! What is the moral
    of this story? If the Foo shits,wear it!!!!

Whats a 6.9?
a 69 interupted by a period!

There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car.He
went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like
to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer
said: "well,do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the
frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the
family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure
so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small
frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only
collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the
bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"

AS A MATTER OF FACT IT WAS BENCHLEY. PARKER'S OTHER CLASSIC LINE HAD TO
DO WHEN SHE AND A YOUNG ACTRESS ARRIVED AT A HOTEL DOOR AT THE SAME
TIME. THE ACTRESS HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR DOROTHY SAYING AGE BEFORE
BEAUTY , PARKER WENT THROUGH THE DOOR SAYING JUST LOUD ENOUGH FOR OTJERS
TO HEAR " AND PEARLS BEFORE SWINE......"

What's 11?
  69 for worms!

Help save our trees.  Eat a Beaver.

There was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing some broad by the sea.
Said the broad "Stop you plumbing,
There's somebody coming"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing,
"It's me!"

There was this high school graduate who brought his girlfriend home
for dinner one night. He thought he had enough time to make love
to her before his mother called him to dinner. When the mother
called her to dinner sooner that expected, the son
yelled "I'm coming!"

I know this couple who owns a flower shop. One day, shortly
after the shop closed, the husband brought a shapely young
hooker to the shop. The wife walked in unexpectedly, as she
had forgotten something. The husband was caught with his plants
down.

There was this enterprising hooker who had bought a bicycle. She
peddled it all over town.

You know them competing mega-businesses? The spy employees keep
slipping birth control pills into each other's XEROX machines
so they wouldn't reproduce.

She: Would you like one of my apples?
He: No, but I'm most interested in your pair.

When in trouble or in doubt - YELL!

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has
determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is
2 persons at a time - unless I install handrails or safety straps.
    As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a
number and wait your turn.

a young man who was prematurely bald went to a barber for a trim.  during
the course of the short haircut the young man asked if there was a
dependable hair restorer.  the barber gave him the advice that
stimulation of the scalp was best accomplished by rubbing the scalp
against his wife's snatch three or four times a day for fifteen minutes
each 24 hour period.        the man left and about one year later a hairy
monster comes into the barber shop and says, "hey there. remember me?"
       the barber says,"pull the hair away so i can see your face."
        the guy spreads the hair so his face can be seen and says," i am
the guy you told to rub my head on my wife's pussy to stimulate hair
growth.  it really works good."
           the barber twirled the tip of his 16 inch mustache between his
thumb and forefinger and answered, "you're telling me?"

My wife, who used to teach on faculty at Texas Tech University
tells a true story that occurred at a new-student orientation
one September.  The student body President was addressing the
auditorium filled with bright-eyed students and their expectant
parents.  The Prez paused in his talk with the announcement that
he had recently heard a good Aggie joke he wanted to share with
the group.  At once, an offended parent stood up shouting, "Hey,
I'm an Aggie!"  The Prez paused for a moment and replied:  "Okay
for you, I'll tell it  r e a l    s  l  o  o  o  w."

Three fags driving in a car, they stop at a red light and are
rammed by an 18 wheeler. the fag who's driving looks at the other
two and ask " Are you fellas alright?" The other fags hold his
neck and says " My neck is sore." So the fag who's driving gets
out of the car and walks bac to the truck, pounds on the door and
yells " My boyfriend is hurt, I hope you have good insurance!"
The truck driver rolls down the window and says "Suck my fucking
dick you faggot!" The fag races back to his car and says "We're
in luck fellas, he wants to settle out of court"

A farm boy was out behind the barn playing with his manhood, when
his father came around the corner and saw him.  "What you doin
boy?" says the old man.  "I donno" says the boy "but it feels
real good."  The father says "Boy! don't you know bout
intercourse?".  "Intercourse?" says the boy "what's that?".  So
the father takes the boy in the house and says to his wife,
"Woman, take your clothes off and get on the floor,  It's time we
showed Clem bout intercourse".  He turns to the boy and says
"Boy, you see that hole on maw?  Watch Paw".  So paw proceeds to
mount Maw and go to town".  About that time sis walked in and
exclaims "What they doin? They fighten?"  Clem says "don't you
know nuttin?  Thats intercourse". "Intercourse?" says sis "What's
that?"  "Well I have ta learn ya" says clem as he takes off his
clothes.  "Ya see that hole on Paw?  Watch Clem"

    Why did the WASP cross the road?
       -- To get to the middle.


    How can you tell a male WASP is sexually excited?
       -- By the stiff upper lip.


    What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan?
       -- I don't know... but whatever it is, it won't let
          you in ITS cage!

    Why do Polish people have such beautiful noses?
        -- They're handpicked.

    What's the definition of bad acne?
        -- Waking up in the park with a blind man reading your face.

do you know how to tell which is the rich
Polack in an all polack neighborhood?
His is the house with the diving board on the septic tank.

I NEVER make misteaks

A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered
through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg!
  This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him
about it.
  "This be no ordinary pig" said the farmer. "For example, only two
days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away
from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let
all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire
brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they
arrived!"
  "And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill,
when I lost control and the vehicle overturned - knocking me
unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then
rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before
it set on fire."
  The framer was just about to launch into another tale when the
man said "Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?"
  "Well" said the farmer "when you've got an pig as good as that,
you don't eat it all at once!"

"the Prime Minister's devious hand is afoot."

There was a math teacher named Paul
Who had a hexagonal ball.
The square of its weight.
And his pec*er plus eight.
Is his phone number.  Give him a call.

       WE were in Geology Class (About 300 people) and on Final Exam the
teacher called for the Exam Papers.  Well 5 minutes later, sure enuff, a
Student Came Down with his Exam Paper and tried to turn it it.  Well of
course the Teacher Said he couldn't Accept it! Well the student asked
the teacher "do you know me?"  The teacher replied "No" And so the
student then lifted up the Stack of Exam Papers and insterted his Exam
and walked away.

The Abbot of the Monastery was very strict in his routine.
Each morning, he'd come out of his cell, go into the main
room where all the monks were sitting, and chant "Good
Morning."  They would chant back "Good Morning."  At the
evening meal, he'd enter the room and sing "Good Evening,"
and they would reply in kind. One morning, though, in
response to his greeting, he distinctly heard one monk sing
"Good Evening."  Wondering if his ears were going, he sang
"Good Morning," only to hear the anomalous greeting again.
Looking about the room, he sang "Someone Chanted 'Evening.'"

    After the third murder in as many months of residents
     of the fourth floor of the dormitory, Sherlock Holmes was
     called in the case. In each death the body of a student had
     been discovered the next morning crushed and covered with
     tire marks. "How did a car get onto the fourth floor?",
     asked the baffled campus security police. "Have you
     noticed", Holmes said, "that the deaths all occurred when
     there was a full moon?". I believe that we are dealing with
     that unhappy curse of modern technological society- the
     descendent of the werewolf, the weremobile!!!" On the next
     night that the moon was full, the Great Detective took
     action. Every student that lived on the fourth floor was
     locked in a separate room, along with an electronically
     monitored five-gallon can of gasoline. Toward the middle of
     the night the instruments showed the disappearance of the
     gas in room 440, which was occupied by a Japanese-American
     student named Nagawa. "He's pouring out the gas!", whispered
     the security chief. "No!, he's drinking it," said Holmes.
     Peering through the keyhole of room 440 they saw that the
     student was no longer there, and in his place was a Japanese
     compact car!!! The next morning Holmes confronted Nagawa.
     "When the moon is full, you become an automobile, and you
     run over your fellow students on the fourth floor." "But how
     did you know?", gasped Nagawa. "Alimentary, my were-Datsun."

    A man was shipwrecked on yet another island.He built
    himself a grass and straw shelter and all was OK until a
    flock of Terns flew onto the island.      The terns started
    pecking at his shelter,weakening it.This would not do,so the
    usually gentle man started throwing stones at the terns;till
    all flew away save one.                         Well,the man
    figured that one tern could do no harm,so he didn't bother
    to chase it away.The last tern kept pecking at the
    shelter,till it fell in upon the sleeping man ,smothering
    him.What is the moral of this story???       Never leave a
    tern unstoned!!!

    A man had a weird illness.Whenever he broke wind,it made
    the sound"honda". He asked his doctor about it but the
    doctor after months of tests and literature-reading,could
    not figure it out.Finally,just before he was about to give
    up,he has an idea!"I'll call Honda Company in Japan and ask
    the company doctor!!" Well,he called the Japanese doctor and
    was told by him to see if the patient had an abscess in his
    teeth somewhere. Sure enough,there is,and when it was
    treated the other affliction ended!  When th e doctor asked
    his Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great
    diagnosis over the phone from such a long distance away the
    man replied,simple: Abscess makes a fart go honda!!!

A man was cleaning out his attic, throwing out all the old junk, when
his friend Bill came over to see him.   "Find anything decent up here?"
he asked.    "Well, not much.   Best thing I found was this old Bible,
written by some guy named Gutenberg.   Ever seen one of these?"    Bill
said, "That book is one of the most valuable books ever to exist!
There's only 13 of them known left!    It's worth MILLIONS!"   "Well,
mine can't be worth that much.   Some ass named Martin Luther scribbled
all over it."

Comet - it tastes like listerine..
Comet - it makes your teeth turn green...
Comet - it makes you vomit...
So try Comet, and Vomit, today!!

Did you ever think as a hearse goes by,
That you might beeee the next to die.
They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,
And throw you in about 6 feet deep.
Then all goes well for about a week,
Until the coffin begins to leak.
  The worms crawl in..
  The worms crawl out..
  In your stomach and out your mouth..
  They eat your fingers,
  They eat your toes..
  They eat the boogers right out of your nose...

  'Twas the Pig Fair last September.
 The day I well remember
  I was walking up and down in drunken pride..
 When My knees began to flutter,
  So I sat down in the gutter..
 When a Pig came up and lay down by my side.

  As I was sitting in the gutter,
 Thinking thoughts I could not utter..
  I thought I heard a passing lady say:
 "You can tell a man who boozes
  By the company he chooses."
 And with that the pig got up and walked away.

A computer?! Where?! Oh... you mean this?...

I used to work in a bank,but then I lost interest.
I used to be a lumberjack,but then I got the axe.
I used to be a carpenter,but then I got bored.
I used to be a tennis instructor,but it wasn't my racket.
I used to work for H + R Block,but it was too taxing.
I used to work for the Miller Beer company,but then I got canned.
I used to be a taxi driver,but I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a pimp,but then I got laid off.

In Japan many years ago and old farmer was tending the wheet
fields on the steep hillside above a small fishing settlement.
As he stood up to rest his back, he gazed out to sea.  To his
horror saw a tsunami approaching; the people in the villiage
were, of course, unaware of the impending distruction and
death.  The villiage was too far away for waving or hollering to
provide an effective alert.  How was he to save the people?  He
set fire to the villiage's wheet fields.  The people down below
saw the flames and most rushed up to the high ground to
prevent the destruction of their crop and, thus avoided the tidal
wave that crushed the villiage.

AArree yyoouu sseeiinngg ddoouubbllee??

there was the guy driving along the highway at 40. A
chicken was keeping up with him and the chicken had three legs.
He increased speed to 60 and the chicken was still running
alongside. He then increased his speed to 80, and the chicken
sped up and cut across in front of him and went up a sideroad.
The guy was intrigued by all this, so turned around and drove
into the sideroad which ended in a farmer's yard. The farmer came
over to the car and asked if he could help. The motorist asked if
he had seen a three-legged chicken come through his yard. The
farmer said he had and, as a matter of fact, he and his sons had
bred the chickens to provide three drumsticks.
"How are they?" asked the motorist.
"Hell," replied the farmer, "WE don't know, we've never been able
to catch one of them!"

My favorite college joke is about the lad from the hills of
Kentucky who won a scholarship to MIT. In familiarizing himself
with the campus, he was walking across the quad and stopped an
upperclassman to ask, ""Scuse me, can you tell me whar the
liberry is at?" The upperclassman drew himself up to his full
height and haughtily told the lad he was attanding the most prestigious
engineering  school in the world and that they prided themselevs
on being able to communicate properly as well. He said they NEVER
ended a sentence with a preposition and asked if the lad would
like to rephrase his question. The kid looked him up and down and
said, "Shore, can you tell me whar the liberry is at, a**hole."

What's the last thing that enters a fly's mind when he's hit
by a truck?
-His AssHole!

How many Californians does it take to screw a litebulb?
-None- they screw on beaches.

--HAVE YOU DRIVEN OVER A FORD LATELY?--

--YAMAHA's THE BEST - F*CK THE REST!--

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
-Cuz 7-8-9!

Mary had a litle lamb,
she also had a duck
She put them on the window sill
to see if they would FALL!

New NBA Rules effective next season:
    When a team's score exceeds the opponent's by ten (10) points, add one
(1) white player.
    When a team's score exceeds the opponent's by twenty (20) points, add
two (2) white players.
    When a team's score trails the opponent by ten (10) points, the team may
then "Renege".    Oh well, you spell it.......

A CHINESE PERSON IS HAVING DINNER WITH HIS JEWISH FRIEND. AS BOTH ARE
ABSORBED WITH THEIR MEAL, THE JEWISH FRIEND HAULS OFF AND BELTS HIS
CHINESE FRIEND, KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT??" "FOR
PEARL HARBOR", THE JEWISH FRIEND REPLIES....."BUT I'M CHINESE...THAT WAS
THE JAPANESE!!!." ..."CHINESE, JAPANESE...THEY'RE ALL ALIKE"
tHE DINNER GOES ON WHEN, SUDDENLY, THE CHINESE FRIEND KNOCKS HIS JEWISH
FRIEND TO THE FLOOR...."WHAT WAS THAT FOR????" ..."THE TITANIC"...."BUT
THE TITANTIC WAS SUNK BY AN ICEBERG"....."ICEBERG, GOLDBERG...THEY'RE
ALL ALIKE".....