254 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
254 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
From alcmist@well.UUCP Mon Apr 3 18:30:04 1989
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Flags: 000000000000
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From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley)
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Subject: Only her hairdresser knows
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Keywords: sexual, chuckle
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Date: 3 Apr 89 23:30:04 GMT
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<I think I originally saw this in Playboy>
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"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's
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magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural,
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since the hair between your legs is black".
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The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
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"What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded. She smiled sweetly and
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said "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've
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only been banged once."
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
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From argyriou@violet.berkeley.edu Tue Apr 4 05:30:07 1989
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Flags: 000000000000
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From: argyriou@violet.berkeley.edu (Anthony Argyriou)
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Subject: racists
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Keywords: anti-racist, racial stereotypes, chuckle
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Date: 4 Apr 89 10:30:07 GMT
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What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism?
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A southern racist doesn't mind blacks living nearby, as long as they
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don't get "uppity"
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A northern racist doesn't mind blacks getting "uppity" as long as they
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don't live close.
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--
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Anthony Argyriou
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(I can't remember where I read this, but it was not from a collection
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of jokes. I believe it was quoted in some sort of article on race
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relations in America, and is probably PD.)
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
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From ark@research.UUCP Wed Apr 5 05:30:04 1989
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Flags: 000000000000
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From: ark@research.UUCP
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Subject: Election Day
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Keywords: chuckle
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Date: 5 Apr 89 10:30:04 GMT
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Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each
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trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.
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Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that
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we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our
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votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some
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time and both agree to not vote today?''
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The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.
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Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard
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the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.''
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``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've
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done this today.
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
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From icsg8014@CAESAR.CS.MONTANA.EDU Wed Apr 5 18:30:05 1989
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Flags: 000000000000
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From: icsg8014@CAESAR.CS.MONTANA.EDU (Sam Patton)
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Subject: Making it home
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Keywords: sexual, sexual stereotypes, chuckle
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Date: 5 Apr 89 23:30:05 GMT
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A friend of mine told me this one.
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Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact
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Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home.
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I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the
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driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and
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sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and
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we end up having a fight.
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Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few
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times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam
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the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home", run upstairs, slap her on
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the ass and say, "How about a little love woman". And she never
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even moves.
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
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From mician@usfvax2.UUCP Thu Apr 6 05:30:03 1989
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Flags: 000000000000
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From: mician@usfvax2.UUCP (Rudy Mician)
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Subject: Roto-Rooter Ad
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Keywords: true, chuckle
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Date: 6 Apr 89 10:30:03 GMT
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"A big black bird screamed Roto-Rooter"
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and away go troubles down the drain.
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The "Raving"...read and take heed.
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Once upon a midnight dreary, while I
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pondered weak and weary,
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Over many a quaint and curious
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volume of forgotten lore.
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While I nodded in the hushing, suddenly
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there came a rushing, as of someone
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slowly flushing water 'cross my chamber
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floor. Only this and nothing more.
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Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I
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sought to borrow plungers to relieve my
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sorrow, mops to dry the soggy floor.
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I slowed it down and nothing more.
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Ankle deep in water standing, long I stood
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there wheezing, panting, weeping, cursing
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curses no mortal ever cursed before. As the
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mess was slow subsiding, my thoughts were
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strong to go a-riding to dry my troubled
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clothes, perhaps to find a liquor store.
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I jumped astride my motor scotter, a big
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black bird screamed "Roto-Rooter"!
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"And away go troubles down the drain" --
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Roto-Rooter. Quoth the raven: "Evermore."
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(c) 1979 Roto-Rooter
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
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From YUEN@janus.trl.oz.au Thu Apr 6 18:30:07 1989
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Flags: 000000000000
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From: YUEN@janus.trl.oz.au (Gary Yuen)
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Subject: Journos!
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Keywords: national stereotypes, chuckle
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Date: 6 Apr 89 23:30:07 GMT
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Whilst on bush-walking trips, one hears many offensive jokes, and this
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one is no exception.....
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One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach.
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As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the
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water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin
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pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young
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man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate
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chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach.
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The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and
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said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm
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going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now,
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<Brave Bronzed Aussie Saves Girl From Killer Shark>!"
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The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British."
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The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter."
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The next day, the headlines read, <Pommie Bastard Kills Girl's Pet>.
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--
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Gary Yuen
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yuen@janus.trl.oz
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
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From langbein@topaz.rutgers.edu Fri Apr 7 05:30:04 1989
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Flags: 000000000000
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From: langbein@topaz.rutgers.edu ( Fugitive)
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Subject: TV Evangalism: True Story
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Keywords: true, smirk
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Date: 7 Apr 89 10:30:04 GMT
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Organization: Gerbil Manor
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I feel before the joke I should mention a few things. First, I am a
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Christian. Second, I feel that It is wrong to ridicule Christ as a
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Christian. However, I feel that it is my duty to show people what kind
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of Charletons are out there. Through this true story you can see how a
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person who "Speaks with Authority" can make a joke out of a serious
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matter. It is OK to laugh at the antics, but please don't use this as
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a reason to condemn a whole religion. Feel free to mail me if you
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have any questions.
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I was watching TV one night when while flicking through the stations I
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came across a TV Evangelist. Now, being Christian, I decided to get a
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fulfilling and meaningful message which he would preach. Now, I have
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seen TV Evangelists before (I'll call them TVE) and some I enjoyed
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immensely such as Pat Robertson and Billy Graham. However, I asn't
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prepared for this man......
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"You! Yes YOU can be blessed by the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY <Something
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muttered in toungues for 5 seconds> just by sending me a small
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contribution of only two thousand dollars! The LORD <More toungues>...
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OH YES HE IS HERE <More Toungues> The LORD... I hear him telling
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me... oh YES Lord that YES he wants You! Yes You! <toungues> to GIVE
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ME Two THOUSAND Dollars to support my minestry! The LORD Will Return
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in one Hundred fold! Here is a True Story...."
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Some Woman: I turned on his show ondering how I would be able to make
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my house mayments. At that time he as asking for Two hundred. Then GOD
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told me to give because the price is going up very soon. I got the
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money I DON'T KNOW HOW for my payments.
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"Yes! ANOTHER GREEAT TESTIMONY! You know, WWWhen I first started, I
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was asking for 50 dollars a person. Then the LORD GOD <Toungues
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again>... Yes the LORD GOD HIMSELF! Came to ME Haleluia <More
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toungues>! He Came to ME and said 'Don't ask for fifty anymore.' So I
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raised it to One Hundred. The the LORD <More Toungues>... the LORD
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asked me to not ask for One Hundred. So I asked for Two Hundred. Then
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He asked me to stop, and I raised it to Five Hundred, then One
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thousand.. NOW the Lord asked me to no longer ask for $1000. So now,
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as the LORD GOD has asked me Haleluiah! <toungues> The LORD GOD asked
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me! I ask you for $2000!!! The Lord wants you to give it to me. If you
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do, I will send you this piece of cloth which I prayed with and has
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been annoited by the Holy Spirit! This Cloth is FILLED with the Holy
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Spirit. Pray with this cloth and you TOO can be filled with the Spirit
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>From this cloth! So Send NOW!"
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
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