617 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
617 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
On the subject of a person's sanity
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His elevator does not go all the way to the top.
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She's not playing with a full deck.
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He's only got one oar in the water.
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She's got a screw loose somewhere.
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He's not wrapped to tight.
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Her clutch slips sometimes.
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Ya know ... like ... all his dogs aren`t on the same leash.
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She's got bats in her belfry.
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He's a few bricks short of a full load.
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She dosen't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
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He's your basic lights on, nobody home kinda guy.
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Her tree is missing some branches
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He's about a quart low.
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Her flag flaps upwind
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He's a charter member of the out-to-lunch bunch.
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Her top shelf's missing a few books
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He tends to loose arguments with himself.
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On fat or ugly
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--------------
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And she knew she was too fat the day the policeman walked up to her
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on the street and said, "OK Lady, break it up!"
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He's so fat, he needs port and starboard running lights.
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She's ugly enough to make a freight train take a gravel road.
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He's so ugly he has to sneak up on a clock.
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She's so fat, she's gotta wear stripes so they can tell if she's walking
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or rolling.
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He's so ugly March of Dimes used him as poster child for birth control!
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She's got a starboard list
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On incompetence
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---------------
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He's about as useless as a one legged man at an ass-kickin'.
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If brains was dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose.
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He makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.
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She's about as usefull as tits on a bull.
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Him 'an a box of rocks got a lot in common.
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She's sharper than a basketball, sort of.
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He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with a map
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She couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written
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on the heel.
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He couldn't pee a hole in the snow.
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She could get in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent and loose.
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As if being a half-wit wasn't bad enough, he has to be the wrong half.
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---
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You've heard of MADD, SAD, etc., ....
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Have you heard of DAM?
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..... That's Mothers Against Dyslexia.
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---
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A QUALITY FAIRYTALE
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-------------------
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Once a long time ago, in a Corporation far away, there were 5 employees. They
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were called Quality, Somebody, Anybody, Nobody, and Everybody. Everybody was
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the "Boss" of the Corporation. Quality was a hard-working and honest fellow
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and Everybody believed in Quality's job. Anybody was a well trained and
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capable individual (Everybody was always saying "Anybody can do that job!")
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but somewhat hard to locate (I can't find Anybody to do that job!). Nobody
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was the most junior member and tended to get all the unimportant jobs. In
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fact, Somebody (who was a general, all-around nice person) usually got the
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jobs that Nobody wanted. Somebody was by far the most useful employee in the
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Corporation (like Anyone will tell you, "Everybody needs Somebody sometime").
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It came to pass that Quality got offered a better job in a far away place
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and left the Corporation. So Quality's job became vacant.
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Everybody naturally decided that Anybody could do Quality's job. Somebody
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pointed out to Everybody that even though Anybody was very capable, he was at
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best unreliable. Everybody grudgingly agreed and took over Quality's job
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himself. As it turned out, Everybody soon found himself too busy to do
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Quality's job (and besides it often led to Quality vs. Schedule conflicts).
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Everybody made an executive decision and delegated Quality's job to Somebody.
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The peace in the Corporation was shattered when it was discovered that Nobody
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was doing Quality's job. Everybody was shocked and angry and decided to call
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a meeting to find out what had happened. Everybody went around muttering that
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"Somebody should be fired."
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At the meeting, Everybody said that Anybody was free to comment on the subject
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but as it turned out Nobody did. Everybody then asked Somebody to explain
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what happened. Somebody worked up his courage and told his story. "Quality's
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job can be done by Anybody but because he's unreliable, Everybody agreed to do
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it. Everybody found himself too busy so he delegated Quality's job to me. I
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quickly found out that although Everybody feels Quality's job is important,
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he's not really interested so I decided to delegate the job to him. That's how
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Nobody ended up doing Quality's job."
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Everybody was furious... "How dare you do such a thing, without even telling me
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about it. Anybody will tell you that you can't delegate the job of Quality."
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Somebody stood his ground saying, "I only followed your example in delegating
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Quality's job." Nobody snickered. Everybody went red with anger and
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embarrassment and said, "Why can't I find Anybody to take responsibility for
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Quality's job?" Somebody shot back, "Why should Anybody be responsible for a
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job that Nobody is doing?" At last report, Anybody and Everybody were still
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arguing about who should do Quality's job.
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The moral of this long and twisted tale is this:
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"Even though Quality's job can be done by Anybody, Everybody must do it.
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If everybody tries to dump Quality's job on Somebody, then Nobody ends up
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doing it. All this will make Everybody very angry and Somebody might lose
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their job".
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Also, when you decide to define Quality's job, make sure that....
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(1) Anybody can understand what's expected
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(2) Somebody is actually "doing" it
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(3) Everybody is responsible for it
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(4) Nobody is left out of it
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--
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Self-Improvement Workshops
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Creative Suffering
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Overcoming Peace of Mind
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Guilt Without Sex
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The Primal Shrug
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Ego Gratification through Violence
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Holding Your Childs Attention through Guilt and Fear
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Dealing with Post Self-Realization Depression
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Whine Your Way to Alienation
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How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation
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Sex and the Single 6th Grader
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You and Your Birthmark
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Business and Career Workshops
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Money Can Make You Rich
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Talking Good: How You Can Improve Speech and Get a Better Job
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I Made $100 in Real Estate
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Packaging and Selling Your Child: A Parents guide to the Porn Market
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Career Opportunities in Iran
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How to Profit from Your Own Body
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Under-Achievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
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Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers
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Tax Shelters for the Indigent
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Looters Guide to American Cities
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Home Economics Workshops
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How You Can Convert Your Family Room into a Garage
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How to Cultivate Viruses in Your Refrigerator
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Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
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Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
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Sinus Drainage at Home
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101 Other Uses for Your Vacuum Cleaner
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The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity
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How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
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What to do with Your Conversion Kit
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Health and Fitness Workshops
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Creative Tooth Decay
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Exorcism and Acne
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The Joys of Hypochondria
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High Fiber Sex
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Suicide and Your Health
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Bio-Feedback and How to Stop It
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Skate Your Way to Regularity
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Understanding Your Nudity
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Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
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Optional Body Functions
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Craft Workshops
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Self-Actualization Through Macrame
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How to Draw Genitalia
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Needlecraft for Junkies
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Cuticle Crafts
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Mobiles and Collages with Fetishes
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Gifts for the Senile
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Bonsai Your Pet
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Approved for Recertification
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-----------
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list of oxymorons
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>
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>>"Happily Married"
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advanced basic
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airline food
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american culture
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athletic scolarship
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black light
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brave politician
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busines ethics
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central intelligence (agency)
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cerrful pessimist
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chili (the country and the food)
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communist party (talk about fun!)
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corporate planning
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covert U.S. operations in Central America
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Creationist Science
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Definite Maybe
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Fallout shelter
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good telivision (shows)
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high school education
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honest crook
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honest politician
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house ethic committee
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innocent women
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jumbo shrimp
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justice burger
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justice system (ouch!)
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libertarian organization
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liberty federation
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limited nuclear war
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logical thought
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long-island expressway
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management science
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military intelligence (sorry for all the duplications... eh?)
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moral majority
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never generalize!!
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New democartic party
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Nimitz freeway
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non-alcoholic beer
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plastic glasses?
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postal service (ha ha ha)
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pratical logic
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president reagan
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progressive conservative
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rapid transit
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resident visitor
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same difference
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social security
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student athlete
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super bowl (Xx = yawn!)
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sweet sorrow
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terribly pleased
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union craftsman
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united nations
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wise fool
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-----
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An out-of-work salesman was once again pestering the manager of a
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local haberdashery for a job. The manager was tired of the persistent
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whining, so he made him a deal. "Look," he says to the salesman,
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"I'm going to lunch for about an hour. You see that suit in the corner?"
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The salesman gulped and replied, "Uh, the purple, yellow, and green
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one?" The manager said, "That's the one. If you can sell that suit
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while I'm gone to lunch, you get the job. If you don't sell it, you
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don't bother me about a job ever again. Deal?" The salesman was
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desperate, so he agreed. The manager went to lunch secure in the
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knowledge he had gotten rid of this pest once and for all.
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Upon his return from lunch, the salesman comes running up to him,
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exclaiming, "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" But the salesman
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is a mess! His clothes are torn, his face is scratched and bleeding,
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he's in terrible shape. The manager looks at him wryly and says,
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"Did the customer put up that much of a fight?" To which the salesman
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replies:
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"No, but his seeing eye dog sure was pissed!"
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------
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You want to quit? You've got to quit! We've got a method
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that is guaranteed. A lot of companies advertise hoaxes--silly
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pills, records to listen to while you sleep, hypnosis, acupuncture--
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don't be fooled! You can stop! And for just $179.95!
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This is just what you've been waiting for... The Black & Decker
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Table Saw! Just slide your hands over it, and you'll never pick
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up a cigarette again.
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Listen to these happy customers:
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Morton Mumford: "The B&D Table Saw has changed my life!"
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Suzie Snodgrass: "I quit smoking in 2.3 seconds!"
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Johnny Jumper: "I didn't think it would work, but one
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treatment was all it took!"
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Danny Dingbat: "I haven't touched a cigarette since!"
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Order now and receive absolutely free, the Black & Decker
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Soldering Iron/Cauterizing Kit! Supplies are limited,
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so order now!
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Send $179.95 to
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+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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Q. What do you get when a grand piano falls down a mine shaft ?
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A. A Flat Minor
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Q. What happened when the flat miner fell into a grand piano?
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A. He just picked out a tune.
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Q. What did the other miners yell down the shaft before the
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grand piano fell?
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A. B sharp or B flat!
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An addition to the no arms/no legs file:
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Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you use to
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open a door?
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A: Jimmy.
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Down in South Joisey there's a jernt owned by... well, by certain
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undisclosed individuals needing a channel by which moneys can be
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introduced into respectable commerce. The manager approaches Joe,
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the bandleader, early one evening.
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"Listen, Joe, Big Louie's comin' in later and he wants... he
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wants to sing."
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"Hey, man, we been playin' here every night for fourteen years.
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You oughta know don't nobody sing wit' us."
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"Joe, I'm talking about *Big Louie*. You get me?"
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"Oh, okay, boss. Whaddaya want us to do?"
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"You know `Strangers in the Night', right?"
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"Hey, you know we play that every night for the last fourteen years..."
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"Okay, but he wants you to do it in (pause) 5/4."
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"That's *ridiculous*! ... Well, okay..."
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So ten o'clock rolls around and sure enough, there's this big guy at the
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door with these other two big guys. He walks straight to the stage,
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says to Joe, "You know what to do, right?"
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"Riiight."
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Grabs the microphone...
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(Long pause for suspense)
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[Sing this part in 5/4]
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"Strangers in da fuckin' night,
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Exchangin' fuckin' glances,
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Strangers in da fuckin' night..."
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Well, maybe ya hadda be there.
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IS ENGLISH THE HARDEST LANGUAGE OF ALL?
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I take it you already know
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Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
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Others may stumble, but not you
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On hiccough, thorough, laugh, and through.
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And cork and work and card and ward,
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And font and front and word and sword.
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Well done! And now if you wish, perhaps
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To learn of less familiar traps.
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Beware of heard, a dreadful word
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That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
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And dead: it's said like bed and not like bead--
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For goodness sake don't call it deed.
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Watch out for meat and great and threat,
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They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
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A moth is not a moth in mother,
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Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
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And here is not a match for there,
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And dear and fear for bear and pear.
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And then there's dose and rose and lose--
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Just look them up--and goose and choose,
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And do and go, then thwart and cart.
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Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
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A dreadful language? Man alive!
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I'd mastered it when I was five.
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Heard at a party:
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There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
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But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
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of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very
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self-conscious about his having no ears.
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Because of the accident, he recieved a large sum of money from the
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insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business,
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so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own
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a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding
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computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at
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all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
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He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
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The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
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question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual
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about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
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The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
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The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was
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much more better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview,
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the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual
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about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man
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was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
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Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than
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the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
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wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
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anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you are wearing
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contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked "Wow! That's quite
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perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy answered "Easy. You
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can't wear eye glasses. You don't have any f*cking ears!"
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-Bill Semanczuk
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--
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Subject: some do's and don't do's for all you travellers
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< Signs of our times >
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In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If
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you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
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In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
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In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next
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day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
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In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
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when lit up.
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In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
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wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
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should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
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alphabetically by national order.
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In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
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desk.
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In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
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office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
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In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
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is the job of the chambermaid.
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In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
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chambermaid.
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In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
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monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
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and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
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Thursday.
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In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
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corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
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On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing
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to hope for.
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On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
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red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
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duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
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In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
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courageous, efficient self-service.
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Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
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In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
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Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
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In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
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rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
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Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
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of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
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were executed over the past two years.
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In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
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shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
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In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
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porter.
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A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
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on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
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instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
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married with each other for that purpose.
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In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
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of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
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be used for this purpose.
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In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
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latest Methodists.
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A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water
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has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
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In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
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afternoon having a good time.
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In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
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city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
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Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride
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on your own ass?
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On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock
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to right.
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In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
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their own skin.
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On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to
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work throughout its useful life.
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Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
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In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
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In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
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if dressed as a man.
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In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
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In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
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them in all directions.
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On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
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to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
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In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
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children in the bar.
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At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
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any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
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In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
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diseases.
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In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
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water served here.
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In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
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they are best in the long run.
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From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
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conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
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in your room, please control yourself.
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From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
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foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
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first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
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vigor.
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Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
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- English well talking.
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- Here speeching American.
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