329 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
329 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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Jokes Pack Volume 3
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The hospital patient, annoyed by the lack of attention he received
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after returning to his hospital room from the intensive-care unit,
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exclaimed, "I've gone from I.C.U. to 'no see you'!"
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=====================================================================
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Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that
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new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The
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kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so
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sanitary the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach,
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frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
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=====================================================================
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An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of
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squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own.
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This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the
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rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to
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embrace running around like its step-siblings.
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As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an
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identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to
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discuss the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from
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its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was
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generally forlorn. Their response was,
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"Don't scurry, be hoppy."
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=====================================================================
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There once was a 94 year old nun whose wornout body began to
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surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three
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times a day, to relax her tenseness. However, not to be lured into
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worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior
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knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen
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to spike the milk three times a day.
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Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As the
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several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior
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asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom... "Oh, yes,"
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she replied.
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"Never sell that cow!"
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THE BOSS'S BASIC RULES
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Rule 1: The Boss is always right!
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Rule 2: In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate may be right,
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becomes immediately operative.
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Rule 3: The boss does not sleep; he rests.
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Rule 4: The Boss is never late; he is delayed elsewhere.
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Rule 5: The Boss never leaves his work; his attention is required
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elsewhere.
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Rule 6: The Boss never reads the paper in his office; he studies.
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Rule 7: The Boss is always chief, even in his bathing togs.
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Rule 8: Whomsoever may enter the boss's office with an idea of his
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own must leave the office with the boss's ideas.
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Rule 9: If, in your lamentable ignorance, you fail to grasp the
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truth, fear not; return to rule 1.
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=====================================================================
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A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the
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auditorium went out.
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He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As
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soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then
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said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light
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work.'"
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=====================================================================
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Cartoon:
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Man stands in his doorway in full fishing gear. Man stands opposite
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in business attire.
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Man 2: I know you're in bed with the flu, John, but I need the key
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to the file cabinet.
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=====================================================================
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i just read about two people who were driving their car around some
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town in New Jersey. They had a stick of dynamite with them.
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Well, one of them wondered what would happen if they lit the
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dynamite and threw it out the window at 3 am. So they lit it up and
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tossed it.
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Only the window was rolled up.
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They were both taken to the hospital, where they underwent surgery.
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I think they're recovering, but they have been disinvited to the
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next Mensa meeting...
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Man relieves himself on dog: Sparks panic
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Rio De Janeiro, Brazil - A Rio neighbourhood went to the dogs and
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echoed with the sound of gunfire after a man and a terrier got into
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a dispute over a call of nature.
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The toilet shootout developed when a beer-filled Brazillian student
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went to relieve himself against a tree, Brazilian news agency Estado
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reported.
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The student mistakenly urinated on a pit bull terrier that was
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watering the same vegetation and as a result ended up brawling with
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the dog's owner, Estado said.
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When the student's friends chased the owner and his dog to a service
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station, security guards, thinking a robbery was in progress, fired shots
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into the air, bringing police rushing to the scene.
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After a brief spell behind bars, however, the two men were reported
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to have made up -- over a beer.
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=====================================================================
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There was a kid who excelled at school in all subects except math.
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In desperation his agnostic parents sent him to a Catholic parochial
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school to see if the nuns could straighten him out.
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The kid immediately buckled down. Every night he went to his room,
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closed the door, and studied his math. When report cards came out he
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had A's in everything and an A+ in math.
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When his parents asked him what made the difference, he replied, "I
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knew they meant business the first time I walked into the school.
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Right inside the front door they've got a big statue of a guy nailed
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to a plus sign."
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=====================================================================
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Marketing Buzz Words Translated:
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* NEW - Different color from previous design
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* ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous
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design
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* EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
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* UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
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* DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
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* FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
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* ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
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* IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
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* FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
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* HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
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* DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
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* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
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* REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors
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* BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
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* FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
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* DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
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* MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
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* RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope..
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* HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on
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* PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
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* MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
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* ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Bill Clinton with Roseanne on his
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lap!
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* BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise
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* HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
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* SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE- When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
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* NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, mabey this one will work
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* MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction
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* CUSTOMER SERVICE
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ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports
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* UNPRECEDENTED
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PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
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* BUILT TO PRECISION
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TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together
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* SATISFACTION
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GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
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* MICROPROCESSOR
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CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain
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* AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing
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=====================================================================
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Paddy & Murphy are walking through this wood, when they see a sign
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saying 'tree fellers wanted'. Paddy turns to murphy, says 'Ah, 'Tis a
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shame there's only two of us!'
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=====================================================================
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Moishe had started in the second-hand trade but was now one of the
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richest businessmen in London. As his Rolls Royce stopped in front of
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the Ritz one night an old school chum, who had fallen on hard times,
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was waiting for him.
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"Hey Moishe, remember me?"
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"Eddie Rozenbloom, of course I do. haven't seen you in years. How's
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business?"
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"Moishe," says Eddie, "I've hit a bad patch. Infact I was wondering
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if you could let me have ten pounds for a bed."
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"Sure Eddie. Bring it round in the morning!"
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=====================================================================
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Did you hear about the prawn that went to a disco and pulled a
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muscle?
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GEORGE: What instructions did Noah give his sons about fishing off
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the ark?
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BILL : I don't know.
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GEORGE: Go easy on the bait, boys. I only have two worms.
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=====================================================================
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The difference between politics and baseball is that in baseball when
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you get caught stealing, you're out.
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Talking to an American lady during a lengthy delay a little while
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ago
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ME: Have you been on holiday?
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AL: Yeah.
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ME: What did you think of England?
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AL: I loved it, but why are your traffic signals so noisy?
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ME: ???
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AL: Well, they go beep beep beep.
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ME: Oh, that's so that blind people know when to cross.
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AL: Oh reeally?? In the States we don't let 'em drive.
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=====================================================================
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She used to be married to a trapeze artist, but she caught him in
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the act........
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Three Strings wanted to drink some beer so they went to Mr. Rope's
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carry-out. The first String says, "I'll show you how to buy beer,"
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and goes in. "I'd like a six-pack of beer, please." Mr. Rope says,
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"You're one of those Strings. We don't serve your kind here. Get
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out of here!"
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So the second String says, "Watch me," and goes in. In his deepest
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voice, he says, "I'd like a six-pack of beer, please." Mr. Rope
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says, "You're another one of those Strings. Get out of here!"
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The third String says, "I'll show you how it's done." He curls
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himself into a clove-hitch, unravels his head, goes into the
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carry-out, and says, "I'd like a six-pack of beer, please." Mr. Rope
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asks, "Aren't you one of those Strings?"
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He says, "I'm a FRAYED KNOT!"
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=====================================================================
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So Paddy and Murphy are in a wild west bar trying to scrounge a pint
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off the bartender. They've been at it for about an hour when in
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walks this guy with a head under his arm. The bartender jumps up and
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gives the guy a sack of gold. Paddy and Murphy are way confused. The
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bartender explains. "I hate the Indians ya' see!" he says "I hates
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'em so much I'll give a sack of gold to anyone who brings me an
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Indian's head..."
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So off Paddy and Murphy go, equipped with rifle, saw, hammer etc.
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After a while they find a lone Indian, and they shoot him off a cliff
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and down into a ravine. Down go Paddy and Murphy, after him. At the
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bottom Paddy starts cutting off the Indian's head while Murphy
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stands watch.
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After a couple of minute Murphy taps Paddy on the shoulder, says
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"Paddy, I think you ought to look at this." Paddy ignores him...
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"No, Paddy, I'm serious, you really ought to take a look!!"
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Paddy lops off the Indian's head and looks up where Murphy's
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pointing. On either side of the ravine there's like, a million
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Indians, war paint and the lot. Paddy looks at Murphy with a glint
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in his eye and says "Well, I'll be, mate! We're gonna be
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millionaires!"
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=====================================================================
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The Number You Have Reached.....
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Hello, you have reached the office of the New York Board of Rabbis.
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Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your questions.
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If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.
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If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
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If you are Reform, press any button you like.
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If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
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If you are Lubavitch, please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer.
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(Beep)
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Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi.
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The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the
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Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
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(Beep)
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Hello, you have reached the Conservative Rabbi.
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The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer
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is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all
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of us. We hope that this has been helpful.
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If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
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(Beep)
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Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi.
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The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are
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we to say?
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However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
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(Beep)
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Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi.
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The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have
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not decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to
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answer your own question. To answer your own question now, please hang
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up....if you are still there.
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(Click)
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=====================================================================
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Two crayfish were in the restaurant's aquarium. It seemed this would
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be their last night together, so the male crayfish whispered sweet
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nothings in her ear.
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She said, "Okay, but will you still respect me in the mornay?"
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=====================================================================
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*A Chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.........
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I don't want to say she was fat, but she had more chins than the
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Singapore phone book...............
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