190 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
190 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
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AN IRISH BULL
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IS ALWAYS PREGNANT
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It's time throw some bull -- not just any kind of bull, but an Irish bull.
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And while we're at it, let's throw a whole herd of Irish bulls.
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What is an Irish bull? Some dismiss it as a silly blunder, allegedly endemic
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to the Emerald Isle. Others more affectionately describe an Irish bull
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as a statement fueled by a delightful absurdity that sparks forth a memorable
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truth.
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A favorite definition of the genre issued from Professor John Pentland Mahaffey
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of Dublin University. When asked the differennce between an Irish and
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any other kind of bull, Mahaffey replied, "An Irish bull is always pregnant."
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providing a definition that is itself an example of the form defined.
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Irish literature and folklore are fraught with bulls:
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* An Irishman is never at peace except when he's fighting.
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* An Irishman will die before letting himself be buried outside of
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Ireland.
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* May you never live to see your wife a widow.
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* Gentlemen, it appears to be unanimous that we cannot agree.
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* God bless the Holy Trinity.
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* The most unpleasant thing about him is that when he isn't drunk,
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he's sober.
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* Talk about thin! Well, you're thin. and I'm thin, but he's as thin
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as the pair of us put together!
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* Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.
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* This piece is chock full of omissions.
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* A man cannot be in two places at once, unless he is a bird.
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* I marvel at the strength of human weakness.
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* Your Honner, I was sober enough to know I was dhroonk.
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Any implications that the Irish have cornered the bull are completely
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unwarranted. Some of the best bulls thrive far from the green fields of
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Ireland, and Americans have contributed more than their share of taurine
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eloquence:
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* You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth.
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-- Erma Cohen
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* If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.
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-- attributed to Samuel Goldwyn and umpteen others
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* I wish the Arabs and the Jews would settle their differences like
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Christian gentlemen. -- attributed to Arthur Ballour and others
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* Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's
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unbelievable. -- Tom Landry
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* Listen to that! Eighty thousand football fans and not one of them
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is making a sound! Broadcast of NFC football game.
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* All generalizations are bad. -- R.H. Grenier
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* The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."
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-- Woody Allen
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* Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club
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that will have me as a member. -- Groucho Marx
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* Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it
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for years. -- Talullah Bankhead
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* If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very
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very few people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns
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* Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. -- Irene Peter
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* Live withion your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
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-- Josh Billings
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* Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain
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* People are more than fun than anybody. -- Dorothy Parker
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* I don't want to be a millionaiare. I just want to live like
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one. -- Joe E. Lewis
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* If we're gonna win, we have to play up to and beyond our potential.
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-- Don Nelson
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* Of course I can keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that
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can't keep them. -- Anthony Haden-Guest
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* It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are. -- anonymous
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* Dear Teacher: Please excuse my son Joseph's absence on Firday as it
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was Ash Wednesday. Signed My Mother.
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* From now on we shall offer police jobs to qualified women regard
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of sex. -- A New Jersey town's affirmitive action statement
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* THE BEST CURE FOR INSOMNIA IS TO GET A LOT OF SLEEP. -- W. C. Fields
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* I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words.
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-- Josh Billings
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* I distinctly remember forgetting that. -- Clara Barton
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* We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
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-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
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* There's nothing wrong with incest just as long as you keep it in the
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family. -- Milton Mayer
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* Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of.
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-- Joseph Mc Carthy
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* I have had no real gratification or enjoyment more than my neighbor
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on the next block who is worth only half a million.
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-- last words of railroad magnate William Henry Vanderbily
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* Excuse me for not answering your letter, but I've been so busy not
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answering letters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours
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in time. -- Groucho Marx
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* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -- unknown
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* Monotheism is a gift from the gods. -- unknown
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* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. -- unknown
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* It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to
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other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. -- unknown
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* After they got rid of capital punishment, they had to hang
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twice as many people as before. -- unknown
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* 1. Resolved by this Council, that we build a new Jail.
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2. Resolved, that the new Jail be built out of the material
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of the old Jail.
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3. Resolved, that the old Jail be used until the new Jail is finished.
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-- passed by the Board of Councilmen in Canton, Mississippi
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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The Salted Slug Strange 408-454-9368
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Tomorrow's 0rder of Magnitude Finger_Man 415-961-9315
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My Dog Bit Jesus Suzanne D'Fault 510-658-8078
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New Dork Sublime Demented Pimiento 415-566-0126
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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