informis
/
textfiles
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
textfiles/humor/JOKES/iraqjoke.txt

511 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Blame History

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Seen the new Iraqi calendar for the entire year of 1991?
January 1991
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
---------------------------------
1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 (Good bye world)
Why are camels known as "Ships of the Desert"?
- They're always full of Iraqi Se(a)men.
Why don't the Iraqi schools schedule Sex Ed and Drivers Ed in the
same day?
- It's too rough on the Camel!
What is the difference between the NY Lakers and Iraqi Women?
- The Lakers shower after 4 periods.
What does Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Baghdad have in common?
- Nothing.....YET!
Iraqnophobia, nothing a little raid wont kill.
What is the difference between a sack of shit and Saddam Hussein?
- The sack.
Why on earth did the people who design missle defense systems name
their product after the worst NFL team and defense in the league?
Wouldn't a Giant's Missle defense system sound better than a Patriot
missle system? But then again I can see a parallel......whenever the
patriots get close to scoring they break up.
Did you hear that Saddam played the palace in Baghdad?
- He really bombed.
Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Hopes for the New Year
-----------------------------------------------
10. That the chef won't continue to serve ``date surprise'' every
night of the week.
9. In between brutally silencing his opponents, he'll be able to
find a little quite time for himself.
8. Be able to use the Video Toaster to make Iraqi TV footage of
``Death to American Satan'' rallies look more like a Vanilla Ice
video.
7. No one realizes that Tariq Aziz used to play Larry Tate on
``Bewitched''.
6. There will finally be a college football playoff system.
5. That people won't start wondering why they've never seen him
and the official government spokesmen together.
4. That Iraq will have a piece of Saudi Arabia--- oops that
should be that Iraq will have *peace with* Saudi Arabia.
3. The New York Post will stop using his first name as a verb.
2. That Noriega's lawyer has received the retainer he sent.
1. (tie) lose ten pounds/get around to poison gassing the Kurds
like he promised the wife last year.
Whats the difference between Iraq women and catfish ?
One has whiskers and smells, the other lives under water?
How do you know when an Iraqi is done being baptized?
- When the bubbles stop.
How do you know when an Iraqi is well-hung?
- When the slack comes out of the rope, and his heels are 2" above
the ground.
The top 10 good things about being in Iraq right now, from "Late
Night With David Letterman":
----------------------------------------------------
10. No lines at the Baghdad Aqua-Park and Super Slide.
9. Get to be on CNN a lot.
8. If you have a goofball name like "Saddam" or "Tariq," no one makes
fun of you.
7. Guys filling sandbags down at the barracks know all the latest Dan
Quayle jokes.
6. Blasts from bombs might cause the veils on hot babes to fly off.
5. At least everyone has stopped talking about "Twin Peaks".
4. If you one of those people who like gigantic posters of Saddam
Hussein - the place is like Disneyland.
3. Good chance whole country will be in the next "Whatever Happened
To?" book.
2. Can party like it's 1999.
1. Still safer than New York City.
EQUATION FOR SOLVING THE GULF CRISIS
------------------------------------
(Iraq) + (cruise missiles) + (F15 Fighter/Bombers) + (Stealth Fighters)
+ (2000 lb bombs) = GIANT GLASS PARKING LOT.
Question: Where the hell is Amman, Jordan located ?
Answer : Between Iraq and a HARD place !!!!
HEY SADAMM.......BOOOOMMMMM !!!!!!!!
Here's the official Iraqi weather forecast for the next few days:
Temperatures reaching 6000 degrees
Mostly overcast, with some scattered
mushroom clouds and 500 pound bombs
throughout the countryside coming
from nowhere. This will be followed
by missiles with occasional schrapnel
till Thursday.
What is going to be the latest addition to Saddam's Palace?
- Nuclear Power!
What do you say to an Iraqui?
- Hold this marshmallow for me!
Ho many Iraquis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. Soon they'll glow in the dark!
What will be the best outcome of the Iraq war?
- The Saudi's will have a GREAT place to park!
THE EXPERIMENT
A Pollack, a German and an Iraqi, all volunteer for a scientific
experiment to determine ethnic variation in odor tolerance!
The three are locked into a well-heated pig-pen with four pigs who
have been fed a steady diet of All-Bran and Ex-Lax.
After thirty minutes the German could take it no longer and crawled,
gasping for breath from the pig-pen.
Two hours later the Pollack left the pig-pen a curious shade of
chartreuse and collapsed on the ground laboring for breath.
Two hours later the Pollack left the pig-pen a curious shade of
chartreuse and collapsed on the ground laboring for breath.
Ten minutes more passed before the pigs finally ran out begging for
mercy...
How many Iraqi's does it take to change a light bulb?
Why worry, they'll be plenty of light any time soon.
What do Saddam Hussien and pantyhose have in common?
- They both irritate BUSH!
The Iraqui's have found a new use for sheep!
- Wool!
An Egyptian, a Sudanese and an Iraqi sat down at a bar. The
conversation soon turned to a serious discussion. "What is your opinion
of eating meat?" was the question. The Egytpian asked, "What is meat?"
The Sudanese asked "What is eating?" the Iraqi asked "What is an
opinion?"
Knock, Knock
S. Hussein: "Who's there?"
KA
S.H. "Ka who? "
KA_BOOM!!!!!
Spell Saddam backwords and ad a "s"
A study recently done by the Iraqui Cancer Society shows that of 12,000
smokers asked, those who had tried camels preferred goats!
I believe that this whole war in the middle east was fabricated by the
Iraq carpenters union trying to create more jobs.
I just heard Canada sent their Naval ships to Iraq.
YUP! It's true. All THREE of them...
What is the new Iraqi SECRET WEAPON?
The STEALTH CAMEL.
What do you call an Iraqi jet fighter in the Persian Gulf?
- Target Practice.
Did you hear the U.S. found Saddam Hussein?
He was in a Baghdad phone booth dialing 9-1-1 !!!
What do Saddam Hussein and Fred Flintstone have in common?
- They both look out their window and see Rubble.
What does Iraq stand for?
- Iraqis Really Are Queer!!
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?....
- None. They aren't allowed to turn on the lights anyway....
What do you get when you put 36 Iraqi women in the same room.
- A full set of teeth.
Abdul and the sand rats have just cut a CD single for the troops.
- Bomb, Bomb, Bomb ..
Bomb, Bomp Iraq
This is the followup to their lastest love song
- She wore Black Velvet
What do the U.S. soldiers in the Middle East amd home-made Italian ice
cream have in common?
--They both require Iraq assault.
(a rock of salt)
What is the difference between an Iraqi woman and a catfish ?
- One smells and has whiskers and the other lives on the bottom of
the Mississippi River.
Subject: ethnic jokes
For the duration of this war may I make a small suggestion? Henceforth
ALL ethnic jokes shall have Iraqi substituted for Mexican, Jew, black,
Irishman, etc.
For instance: Where did copper wire come from? Two Iraqis were fighting
over a penny they just found.
or: How come there are no Iraqis in the olympics? Any Iraqi that can
run, swim or jump is already gone.
or the old classic: There were these two Iraqis named Pat and Mike...
But has anyone heard lately from Saddam's brother, Gomorrah Hussein?
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a lighbulb??
- None. They aren't allowed to turn on lights anymore.
What do you call, a good-looking industrious person who looks like an
IRAQI, but hates Saddam Hussein?
- An Italian......
What will be the best outcome of the Iraq war?
- The Saudi's will have a GREAT place to park!
- And if it Rains ! a Whole lot of ROUND Swimimng pools !!!!!!!
How many Iraquis does it take to change a light bulb?
- Nobody knows, they all stand around and threaten it and call
it names.
Q:How many Iraquis does it take to invade a nation?
A:I dunno, lets Kuwait and see.
Spell Saddam backwords and ad a "s"
now change the mad to hole and rotate the words..
BUMPER STICKER:
- "Nuke them till they glow, then shoot 'em in the dark."
Saddam Hussein is looking at a map of the Middle East. Two generals
arrive.
"Good news from the front!" says general one.
"Incredible news about Israel!" says the other.
Incredibly happy, near overcome Hussein asks, "WELL!?"
General one replies, "Our accuracy has improved with the Scud missiles!
For every Scud we send, we destroy one of those Patriot things!
Did you hear about the new movie that's coming out about the fear of
Arabs?
- It's called "Iraqnophobia!"
What the top Horror movie now showing in Saudi Arabia?
- Iraqophobia.
What's the top hit song in Saudi Arabia?
- "Iraq Around the Clock"
How do you know when an Iraqi boy becomes a man?
- When he removes the diaper from his ass and wraps it around his
head.
Did you hear about the Italian porn star turned Italian Parliament
politician who offered herself to Saddam Hussein to make peace?
- She thought she would get Iraq off.
Jimmy Stewart, Roseanne Barr, and Saddam Hussein all reached the
Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter said, "Ah, you're Jimmy
Stewart, right?"
"R-r-right. That's me."
"All you have to do to come in is spell `cat.'"
"W-w-well, okay. C-c... well, I know there's a c; there's gotta be a
c."
St. Peter thought, "This is going to take a long time. Why don't you
go over there and sit down for awhile. When you get it together, I'll
come back to you."
"O-o-okay."
Roseanne Barr comes up there. "Well, let's see," said St. Peter.
"You're Roseanne Barr."
"Yep."
"All you have to do to come in is to use the word `canoe' in a
sentence."
She said, "Oh, say canoe you see..."
He said, Well, that's close enough. You can come on in."
Hussein came up there, and St. Peter said, "Let's see. You're Saddam
Hussein. Are you the guy from Iraq?"
He said, "Yeah, that's me."
He said, "All you have to do to come in is to spell Arnold
Schwarzenegger backwards."
Did you hear about the Iraqi submarine?
--It sank. The crew forgot to close the screen door.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Iraquian?
- Oil Of Olay.
There is an American general, a French general, and a Iraqi general.
They were sitting on the front line, and they sent out their scouts to
observe the enemy.
The American general's scout comes back and says, "General, the enemy
is moving. They are approaching."
The American general says, "Give me my sunglasses so that they don't
see the whites of my eyes."
The French general's scout comes back and says, "Monsieur, they`re
attacking!"
The French general says, "Give me my red jacket so that, in case I get
shot, they won't see my blood."
The Iraqi scout comes back and says, "General, the enemy is
approaching."
He says, "Give me my brown pants."
How many Iraquis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Two. One to screw it in, and one to screw it up.
Did you hear that Poland has sent its battalion to Iraq in the Persian
Gulf? I want you to know that shooting has already broken out with them.
There was a thousand of them on one side of the river, and there was one
Iraqi sharp shooter on the other side of the river. He kept picking them
off, right and left. They thought they'd better send about half of them
down to swim across the river at night and they'd get this guy.
That night, about half of them went down to the river and swam across.
The other half that had stayed behind heard all of this shooting,
screaming, and stuff. The next morning, they never came back. They
figured they'd better go to see what had happened.
They got over there, and they were walking through all these bushes
and stuff and saw all these beat up Polish soldiers just laying around.
One of them raised up and said, "Go back! Go back! It's a trap! There's
two of them!"
This guy goes to church one day. The preacher asks, "Well, what
brings you to church? We haven't seen you since you got married."
The guy says, "Well, I keep watching the news, and all those
reporters keep talking about 'Crisis in the Gulf...Crisis in the
Gulf.'"
"Ahh," said the preacher, "you must be worried."
"I sure am." said the guy, "I figure if Christ is in the Gulf,
he'll be here anyday!"
You're trapped in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Al
Sharpton. You have a gun with two bullets, who do you shoot???
- You shoot Al Sharpton TWICE!!!!
BUMPER STICKER: Saddam Hussein -- NUKE THE PUKE!!
Q. Why isn't Saddam Hussein circumsized ?
A. So he has a place to put his chewing gum during a sandstorm.
Did you hear the bad news about the crisis in the Gulf?
Jane Fonda's going to Baghdad to speak to Hussein....
The *good* news is -- Ted Kennedy's driving her to the airport!
What do you get when you cross Saddam Hussein with Dan Quayle?
- A rebel without a clue.
Top Ten List of People Saddam Hussein Would Like to Sleep With and Why
----------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Leona Helmsley-- It's only natural that the king and queen of guest
accommodations should sleep together.
9. Nancy Reagan-- Your lips just say no, but your eyes just say yes,
yes, yes.
8. Felicia Rashad-- She's a foxy Muslim.
7. Imelda Marcos-- Let me show you a real dictator.
6. Warren Beatty-- Doesn't everyone want to?
5. Zsa Zsa Gabor-- He says he's never slept with a Hungarian camel
before.
4. Tammy Faye Bakker-- He respects a woman who covers her face.
3. Mrs. Fletcher-- Perhaps her and Life Call can get me up.
2. Donna Rice-- He likes a woman with no excuses.
1. Anyone from 2-Live-Crew-- Because me so horny too.
M.A.S.H. >>>> Mothers Against Saddam Hussein
Why isn't Saddam Hussein circumcised?
- There's just no end to that prick.
If Saddam Hussein attacks Saudi Arabia from the rear, will Greece help?
Do you know that Saddam Hussein's mother never got a bill from the
hospital when he was born?
- Instead, she got a fine for illegal dumping of toxic waste.
Q. What is the difference between a prostitute and Saddam Hussein?
A. The U.S government won't subsidise a prostitute after she's been
fucked.
What is "Saddam" spelled backwards?
Madd as<s>
Why did the social worker send soap to the troops stationed in Saudi
Arabia?
- She wanted to keep their privates clean!
Did you hear that Dan Quayle is so confused that he thinks "Shake Your
Booty" is one of the Arabs that we're negotiating with.
How do you sink the Iranian Navy?
- Put it in water.
What's the thinnest book in the world?
Famous Iraqi war heros.
Why does the Iraqi Navy have Glass Bottom Boats?
- So they can see the Iraqi Air Force.
Here's the curent Top Ten from RADIO BAGHDAD:
10: HELP! - The Beatles
9: WAR - War
8: LIFE DURING WARTIME - Talking Heads
7: WE GOTTA GET OUTA THIS PLACE - Animals
6: MORNING HAS BROKEN - Cat Stevens
(or just about anything ELSE by Cat Stevens)
5: A HARD DAY'S NIGHT - The Beatles
4: SEND LAWYERS, GUNS, AND MONEY - Warren Zevon
3: AHAB THE ARAB - Ray Stevens
2: MIDNIGHT AT THE OASIS - Maria Muldaur
1: GIMME SHELTER - Rolling Stones
An Arab came to New York and opened a rug shop in an
out-of-the-way neighborhood. business was non-existent until
a matron came in and started to examine his wares.
"Please," the Arab said. "You must buy a carpet."
"They are very beautiful," the matron said. "But they
stink."
"How dare you say that?" cried the indignant Arab. "My
carpets do not stink. I stink!"
In the land of Iraq, Umar lost his donkey. He went all around the
land searching for his donkey and could not find it. He came across a
tall tree, and decided that if he climbs it he will be able to see more
of the land and maybe have a better chance at finding his donkey.
As he was looking for his donkey from the top of the tree, young
lovers passed by and sat down at the tree's shade. The young man was
very excited by the girl and spoke to her softly, "My dear, I can see
the whole world in your eyes!"
Umar, who was listening to their conversation, suddenly screamed
out, "Hey Effendi, do you see my donkey in there by any chance?"
Did you hear about the new Iraqi tanks?
They're the only things equipped with back up lights..
What's the first piece of clothing issued to an Iraqi soldier?
- A white handkerchief.
The Polish government has now joined th conflict by sending troops
to the Gulf. But the Mexicans just don't know what to do with
them.
Saddam Hussein has finally revealed why he attacked Kuwait; he
wanted to impress Jodie Foster.
A teenage girl gave birth to illegitimate identical twins and put them
up for adoption. One was adopted by a Mexican couple and named Juan. The
other by an Egyptian couple and named Amal.
Several years later, the girl was a happily-married middle-age woman
with kids and a husband of her own. She longed to find out about her
twins. Finally the adoption agency sent her a picture of Juan. She said
to her husband: "If only I knew something about the other one too."
"What for?" he replied, "They're identical twins. You've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal."
What do you call an Iraqi with a goat under one arm, and a sheep under
the other?
- Ans #1: Bisexual
- Ans #2: A Pimp
Q. What did Saddam Hussein say when he was asked about Red China?
A. He said, "I'd use a purple tablecloth...."
What does Saddam Hussein's bingo card look like?
B-52 A-10 F-15 M-1
F-16 M-60 A-6 F-4
A-7 F-111 F-14 M-79
M-16 B-1 M-14 F-117
Did you hear that the US ARMY has decided to send 10,000 women with PMS
to fight the war?
- It turns out that they're perfect for desert warfare:
1. They're much meaner than Marines.
2. They can retain water for 7 days.
Do you know what the national bird of Iraq is?
- "Duck!"
The bad news is that Saddam has a Nuclear Bomb.
- The good news is that he has to push it off an ox cart.
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein is supposed to live in a bunker that's
60 feet underground? Well most of us would be happy if he was just 6
feet underground. In fact, Saddam Hussein is so far underground that
Satan is threatening to use him as a Human Shield.
Actually, word has it that he's so far down that Kholmeini has a room
down the hall!
----------------------------------------
Msg 2938 [1..2965] [R], [N], [H], [Q]:
Reference in New Issue View Git Blame Copy Permalink