794 lines
49 KiB
Plaintext
794 lines
49 KiB
Plaintext
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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* This file contains humor which some may find offensive. The *
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* jokes hereafter do not in any way represent the opinion of *
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* the collector. This collection is intended to amuse only, *
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* and not to insult or imply meaning. *
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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(Updated 11/6/90)
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This fellow wishes to join an exclusive African lion-hunters club. Actually,
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the club's members consist entirely of aging Englishmen, who never do any
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hunting, and whose only enjoyment comes when some silly sod wants to join. On
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the night of the initiation, all of the members sit beneith the African sky
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around three identical grass huts. The club's founder begins to speak: "To
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become one of use, you must pass the test of the three huts. In the first
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hut, there is a bottle of whiskey that must be consumed. In the second,
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there is a Bengal tiger with a bad tooth that must be removed. In the third,
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there is an amourous woman that must be satisfied." With only a lion's skin
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to wear, the man marches into the first hut, and, after a minute of gulping
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noises, comes staggering out and barely makes his way in to the second.
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Within seconds, the hut begins shaking as fur flies in all directions, and
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screams can be heard from both man and beast within. After another moment of
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silence, the man emerges from the second hut, bleeding, and covered from
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head-to-toe with thousand of scratches. He strains his eyes at the concerned
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looking crowd of old men and asks "Now where's this woman with the bad tooth?"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A couple are lying in bed one night when the husband turns to his wife and
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begins to kiss her and stroke her skin. "Oh honey, I can't tonight," the
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wife apologizes, "I have a gynocologist appointment tomorrow." The man turns
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over a sulks for awhile. Suddenly, the man turns over and asks "Honey, you
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don't happen to have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A man goes to his doctor for his yearly checkup. The doctor instructs him to
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give a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample. "Gee, I'm in kind
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of a hurry Doc," the man says, "can I just leave a pair of my underwear?"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This guy starts getting these headaches that progressively worsen until he
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can't eat, sleep, or work. After an extensive examination, the doctor tells
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him that they can cure the headaches, but that it will require an operation
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where they remove both of his testicles. The man eventually realizes that he
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simply can't continue with the headaches, so he reluctantly agrees. Upon
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awaking after the operation, there is no trace of the headaches. He checks
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out of the hospital, feeling like he has been reborn. In order to celebrate,
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he decides to go into a fancy men's shop, and treat himself to the most expensive
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imported suit they have. The old man in the shop, having gotten an idea of
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what the man would like, starts off to find him a suit. "Wait," the man
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says, "you don't even know my measurements yet." The old man explains that
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he's been working in the garment industry all his life, and can tell a
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person's measurements just by looking at him. To prove it, the old man
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starts rattling off measurements - "33 waist, 32 inseam, 16 neck, 34 sleeve,
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32 underwear." "Correct on everything but the underwear," the man says
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admiringly, "I wear size 30." "No way," the old man says confidently, "32
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underwear is definitely your size, I'm sure." "Look," the man says, a little
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irritated, "I ought to know what size underwear I wear." The old man
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interrupts him, yelling "IF YOU WORE SIZE 30 UNDERWEAR, YOU'D HAVE THE MOST
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EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL HEADACHES!"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The caretaker of a golfcorse is having difficulty with unreliable help, so he
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decides to splurge and get four very expensive groundskeeping robots to do
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the work. The robots are so efficient that soon, everyone is complementing
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management about the fine state of the golf course. Every hedge is neatly
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trimmed, every leaf raked up, every tree pruned, hardly a blade of grass is
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out of place on the whole green. The manager calls the caretaker into his
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office, and compliments him on his fine choice of help. "One thing though,"
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the manager says, "some of the patrons have complained about the glare from
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the sunlight reflecting off the robots' polished metal bodies. "No problem,"
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the caretaker replies, he makes a quick trip to the hardware store, buys
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several gallons of flat black paint, and paints the four robots from head to
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toe. The next day, three of the robots don't show up for work, and the
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fourth one robs the pro shop.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This city-slicker goes out to the country and visits a county fair. While
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he's there, he decides to buy a small pig. He goes to a farmer and asks how
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much the piglets are. "Five bucks a pound mister," the farmer says, "just
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pick one out that you like. Having made his selection, the farmer bends
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down, puts the little pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig off the
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ground. The farmer bobs up and down a few times, then puts the pig down and
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says "fourteen and a quarter pounds at five bucks a pound...that'll be
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seventy one twenty five." "You must think I'm pretty stupid to fall for that
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routine, why don't you go and get a proper scale" the man asks. The farmer
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replies that there aren't any in town, and that he and his family provide
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weighing services to all the townfolk. The city-slicker doesn't buy this, so
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the farmer calls his son out. The little boy puts the piglet's tail in his
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mouth, picks him up, bobs up and down, and says "I reckon fourteen and a
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quarter pounds dad." The farmer tells the kid to go get his mother, saying
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"she'll give you precisely the same measurement." While the boy is gone, the
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farmer explains how the family is known far-and-wide for their accuracy.
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"Yep, we're calibrated once yearly by the local weights and measures
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beureau..." Minutes later, the little boy returns alone. "What happened,"
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the farmer asks, "where's your mom?" "She can't come right now, pop" the boy
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replies, "she's busy weighing the postman."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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In Heaven: the cooks are French,
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the policemen are English,
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the mechanics are German,
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the lovers are Italian
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and the bankers are Swiss.
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In Hell: the cooks are English,
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the policemen are German,
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the mechanics are French,
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the lovers are Swiss
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and the bankers are Italian.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around
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drinking. Some of the old timers are telling jokes. One of them says
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"Seventeen" and the other old timers all roar with laughter. A little later,
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another of 'em says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler. Well,
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the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals
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next to him "What're these old-timers doin'?" The local says "Well, they've
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been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to
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save extra talkin' they've given 'em all numbers." The new fellow says
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"That's mighty clever! I think I'll try that." So he stands up and says in
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a loud voice "Nineteen!" Silence; everybody just looks at him, but nobody
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laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What
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happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" The local says "Well, son, ya just
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didn't tell it right..."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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3 boys, 1 black and 2 whites and all 3rd-graders, are playing after school. As
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3rd-graders tend to do, inevitably they start discussing who has the biggest
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one (if you know what I mean...). To settle the matter, they agree to
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determine this once and for all by means of comparison. It turns out in favor
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of the black boy, who self-confidently boasts that this of course is because
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he's black. He runs home to tell his mother : "Mom, Mom, guess what! We
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compared our pee-pee's at the playground today, and I had the biggest one!!
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That's because I'm black, right?" "No honey... that's because you're
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nineteen..."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Some guys are trading increadible stories in a bar when one of them pulls
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a miniature grand piano out of his pocket and sets it down on the bar. Next
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he produces a little man about a foot high from his other pocket and sets him
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down on the bar. The tiny man sits down at the piano, and immediately
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starts playing the minute waltz.
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Upon the insistance of the other patrons in the bar, the man tells how he
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was walking on the beach when he spotted a bottle that had washed up on shore.
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Once open, the bottle produced a cloud of green smoke from which appeared a
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genie. The genie promised the man that he could have anything that he wanted.
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"But he must of been hard of hearing" the man said sadly, "'cause he gave me
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this twelve-inch pianist!"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Bill goes to a fertility clinic. "The first thing we need", says the doctor,
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"is a sperm sample". He gives Bill a bottle and directs him to room four.
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Bill goes down the hall, opens the door to room four and finds two absolutely
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gorgeous women dressed in scanty lingerie. They procede to arouse him beyond
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his wildest dreams, and in a few minutes, he heads back down the hall with a
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big smile and a full bottle. Realizing he had to pee, he opens the door to
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the first bathroom he comes across, only to interrupt a guy frantically
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masturbating with a copy of Playboy. In the second bathroom a fellow was
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doing the same thing with a Penthouse centerfold. Back in the doctor's
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office, Bill asks the doctor about the two other fellows. "Oh, those guys?"
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asked the doctor dismissively. "Those're my Medicaid patients."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane,
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he counts to ten, pulls the ripcoard, and nothing happens. Only a little
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worried, he pulls the cord for the auxilliary parachute, but unfortunately,
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the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he
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sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything
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about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was
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your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school."
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"Really?" the kid said. "Well when he was your age, he was president."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while
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the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of 3 possible
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operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not
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pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the
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medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as
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complicated as the 3rd alternative. But there's still no result, and another
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month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big
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one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital
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activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled
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with joy, the young wife now see's the doctor for the regular examination
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during pregnancy: "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But
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what was this 3rd operation actually all about? the first two weren't that
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bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for
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weeks after?" "Well" the doctor replies, "Since the first two standard
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operations failed, we started suspecting your methods, rather than your
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ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus!"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people
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one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-
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speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating,
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"the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..."
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Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely
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mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.
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Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have
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to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I
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am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word
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is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord,
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landed on his ass, and yelled "SHIT!".
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A little withered old man walks into a timber company office, and applies
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for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries to talk him out of the
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idea. After all, he is old, small, and apparently much too weak to fell
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trees. The old man picks up an axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he
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goes to work, a high-pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly
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everwhere, and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the
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old man is finished chopping down the tree.
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"That's just astounding," the forman says, "wherever did you learn to
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chop down trees like that?"
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"Well now," the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the Sahara
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Forest?"
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"You mean the Sahara Desert."
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"Sure, that's what it's called NOW..."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks
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in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no
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response from the bird.
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Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID
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CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"
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The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework,
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so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small
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numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite
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good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school
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-- you'll have to do it in your head."
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The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is
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five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what
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his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting,
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Charlie announces "Eleven!"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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They're making a new movie about Dan Quayle's military career.
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It's going to be called "FULL DINNER JACKET"
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Did you hear about the Polock who studied five days for a urine test?
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Did you hear about the Polock who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?
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HUMAN CANNONBALL: "That does it, I quit!"
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CIRCUS MANAGER: "But where will I ever find another man of your caliber?"
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HE: Jeez, this coffee tastes like mud!
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SHE: That's funny, it was ground this morning.
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HE: What would you do if you found a million dollars?
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SHE: Well, if it was a poor person who lost it, I'd return it.
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HE: "Have you been eating cake lately?"
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SHE: "No, why?"
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HE: "It's just that you look so crummy..."
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HE: "What's the difference between my cock and a corned-beef sandwich?"
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SHE: "I don't know."
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HE: "Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?"
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HE: "Do you like cocktails?"
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SHE: "Sure, tell me some."
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HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for a million dollars?"
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SHE: "Well, I guess so"
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HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for two dollars?"
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SHE: "What kind of a girl do you think I am?"
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HE: "We've already established that, now we're setting price."
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GUEST: Do lemons have wings?
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HOST: What?
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GUEST: I said, do lemons have wings?
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HOST: Of course not.
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GUEST: Oh my god, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink!
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Q: Hear about the guy who complained to a friend that his wife had cut him
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down to twice a week.
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A: The friend said, "Hell that's not so bad, I know two guys she's cut out
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entirely!"
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I've got a joke that'll make you laugh 'til your tits fall off!
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Oh... I see you've already heard it.
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Q: What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
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A: Bi-lingual.
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Q: What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
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A: Tri-lingual.
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Q: What do you call someone who speaks only one language?
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A: An American.
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DOCTOR: I've got some bad news and I've got some really bad news.
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PATIENT: Give me the bad news first.
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DOCTOR: Well, you have about twenty-four hours to live I'm afraid.
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PATIENT: That's terrible, what's the really bad news?
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DOCTOR: I've been trying to call you since yesterday...
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A 5-year old boy and his dad are visiting the zoo, in their bi-weekly weekend
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together. Standing in front of the elephant-cage, the boy asks his
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father:"Dad, what is that big thing hanging down from between the elephants
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legs? I asked mom the last time we were here, but she just said "Oh that
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thing...- well, that is..., that is nothing". The dad says, "Son, I told you,
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I have spoilt that woman..."
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An Australian hooker goes into a tavern, empty, except for a lone Koala bear
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sitting at the bar. She walks up and asks if he would like to spend the night
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with her. He agrees and they both go back to her place. On the way, she asks
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if Koala bears are really as good with their tongues as rumor says. He
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replies that they are indeed. They make love all night long, and in the
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morning, the Koala thanks her and turns to go. "Just a minute buddy, that'll
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be 100 bucks." she says. "Koalas never pay", he explains calmly. "I'm a
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prostitute, I make my living this way, you owe me 100 dollars!" she says, but
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his reply is the same; "Koalas never pay". Finally, in desperation, she gets
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a dictionary from the shelf, looks up "prostitute", and shows him: "See?
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prostitute: One who takes payment for sexual favors." The Koala takes the
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book flips to the Ks: "koala: Australian marsupial, eats bushes and leaves"
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A white guy, a black guy, and a Mormon are talking one day. The black guy
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says "I've got four kids; one more, and I'll have a basketball team." The
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white guy says "I've got ten kids; one more, and I'll have a football team."
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The Mormon says "I've got seventeen wives; one more, and I'll have a golf
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course!"
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This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them
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down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender
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"I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a
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Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've
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never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the
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chicken is a ventriloquist."
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A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket and then the blind man takes
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his dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking
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things off the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks "excuse
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me sir, can I help you?" the blind man answers "no thanks, I'm just looking
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around".
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A forman was assigned three new workers; two big strong local men, and a
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little guy from Japan. Because of their size, the foreman gave the two
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locals the digging work, and told the Japanese man "You'll be in charge of
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supplies." After an hour or so, the forman came back to check on their
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progress only to find the two locals sitting down doing nothing. "What
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happened? Why aren't you at work?" The men replied that their tools were
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broken and that the Japanese man in charge of supplies, had disappeared.
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Worried, the foreman ordered the two men outside the mine to help look for
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the little guy. Just when they were about to give up the search, the
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Japanese guy jumps up from behind a rock and yells "Supplies!!"
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God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and
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hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway.
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Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it. At first it
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looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked and started for
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the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out and grabbed
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the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go. Just before it went into
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the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on it's back as he swam to the
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shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods
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and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the
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ball in the cup. St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf,
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or are you gonna fuck around!!"
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This elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got a thorn in
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her foot. The further she walked, the more sore it got. After a while she
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started to limp. After a while, this ant walks up and asks, "Hey, what's the
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matter?" The elephant answers, "I've got this thorn in my foot and I would do
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anything to get it out." The ant says, "Anything? Would you let me butt fuck
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you?" The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided what the hell.
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How bad could an ant be? So she agreed. The ant started pulling on the thorn
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and sure enough, he got it out. True to her word, the elephant laid down on
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her side and moved her tail out of the way. The ant crawled up on her and
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started going to town. This monkey was up in a tree watching this. He
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couldn't quite believe his eyes. He started laughing and rolling around in
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the tree. Then he knocked a coconut out of the tree that went down and hit
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the elephant right between the ears. The elephant moaned loudly in pain,
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"Awwoooohhhhh!" The ant yelled at the top of his voice, "Take it all bitch,
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take it all !!!!!!"
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This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the
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drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you
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want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn
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you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're
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Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you
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sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to
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explain it five times......."
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John and Mary were lying in bed one night. John turns to Mary and says "Do
|
||
you know what's wrong with you? Your tits are too small and your hole is too
|
||
tight!" to which she replies "GET OFF MY BACK"
|
||
|
||
A guy goes to a doctor and says 'i think i got aids' doc says tests'll take a
|
||
few days come back next week...guy comes back and the doc says 'sorry, you
|
||
got aids' guy says 'oh god, i don't wanna die! is there any thing i can do?
|
||
doc says ' okay, go to Mexico...find the tallest mountain and climb it...on
|
||
that mountain, find the most stagnant pool of water you can and drink three
|
||
cups...then go down the mountain and find a small city and eat three of the
|
||
greasiest enchiladas you can find...drink three Mexican beers and get a hotel
|
||
room and wait for results...guy says 'this will cure me!?!???' doc says 'no,
|
||
but you'll find out what your asshole was made for'
|
||
|
||
A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and
|
||
the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the
|
||
register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what
|
||
does he know, shortchange him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in
|
||
change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and
|
||
mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not
|
||
surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....
|
||
|
||
A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry,
|
||
we don't serve no beer to no bears in this bar. The bear asks again and is
|
||
again told, "We don't serve no beer to no bears in this bar." The bear then
|
||
says, "See that lady at the end of the bar. If you don't sell me a beer I'm
|
||
going to eat her." The bartender again replies, "We don't serve no beer to no
|
||
bears in this bar." The bear eats the lady comes back to the other end of the
|
||
bar and says, " Now will you sell me a beer?" The bartender responds, "We
|
||
don't serve no beer to no bears in this bar, especially no bears on drugs."
|
||
Indignantly, the bear says, "What do you mean on drugs?" The bartender
|
||
answers, "Well, that was a Bar Bitch You Ate!"
|
||
|
||
A young man and woman have only been married for two days. One night, just as
|
||
they are getting ready to go to bed, they hear a noise in the backyard, kind
|
||
of like a vacuum cleaner in reverse. They put on their robes and run outside,
|
||
there, hovering over the lawn is a flying saucer. It lands, and two tall,
|
||
beautiful silver aliens get out. Obviously a male and a female, and according
|
||
to earth standard, quite beautiful. They explain to the newlyweds that they
|
||
need to stay overnight to effect repairs to their ship. The young couple
|
||
agrees, and invite the aliens in for a snack. The aliens agree, but say that
|
||
it would only be sociable to then invite the newlyweds for a snack. "We will
|
||
invite you aboard our spacecraft, but you must abide by our customs. You must
|
||
stay the night, and it is only courteous that we change partners for the
|
||
night." The newlyweds talk it over and agree. That night, the wife is with
|
||
the male alien. He undresses and she stares at his perfect body. Then her gaze
|
||
crosses his groin, and a look of disappointment comes over her. "Is there
|
||
something wrong?" asks the alien. "Well, you seem so ... uh... small." "No
|
||
problem," replies the alien, he twists his ear and his organ grows longer. The
|
||
woman still seems disappointed. She indicates she would like the alien to be
|
||
"wider." He twists the other ear and grows wider. The next morning over
|
||
breakfast, the wife tells her husband what a wonderful night she had with the
|
||
alien, and that she can hardly wait to share some of the techniques with her
|
||
husband the next night. "Honey, how was your night?" she asks. "Terrible."
|
||
he said. "The female alien was truly beautiful, but all she did was twist my
|
||
ears all night long."
|
||
|
||
This guy had three lovely girlfriends, and he couldn't decide which one to
|
||
marry. So he gave each of them $500 to see what they would do with the
|
||
money. The first one took the $500 and came back all excited and out of
|
||
breath. "Honey", she said, "I had a wonderful time with the money. I went
|
||
out and bought jewelry and clothes, and had a terrific time. Thank you so
|
||
much." The second one took the $500 and came back and said. "Darling, all I
|
||
could think of was you and how much I love you. So here is $500 worth of
|
||
presents just for you to show you how much I think of you." The third one
|
||
took the $500 and came back and said. "Well, I took the $500 and invested it
|
||
and turned it into $3,000,so here is your original $500 and we will split the
|
||
difference. Which one did he marry? The one with the big tits (nothing ever
|
||
changes).
|
||
|
||
Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this dog that had bent
|
||
itself into a weird position and was licking its balls. One man said, "Gee! I
|
||
wish I could do that." The other man replied, "I think you better get to be
|
||
friends first."
|
||
|
||
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya,
|
||
Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim
|
||
partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the
|
||
house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's
|
||
not so great, "responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match
|
||
you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is
|
||
this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow
|
||
replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
|
||
|
||
A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw
|
||
this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig,
|
||
stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was
|
||
talking to the duck."
|
||
|
||
Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were sitting in a bar. In
|
||
walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a
|
||
beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like
|
||
fucking white women." The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's
|
||
great." Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the
|
||
shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women." The German looked at him and
|
||
said, "Good for you." The black guy sat down and took another drink of his
|
||
beer. He got up, walked over to the Polack and belted him on the back, then
|
||
said, "I like fucking white women." The Polack sat and thought for a second
|
||
and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones
|
||
either."
|
||
|
||
A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. In a quandary
|
||
the bartender replies, "Anhauser Busch?" The woman answered, "fine and how's
|
||
your dick?"
|
||
|
||
Off in the hill country the old man was sitting on his porch with his shotgun
|
||
across his knees waiting for his three daughters' dates to come pick them up.
|
||
The first one came and said to him, "Hello, I'm Bill. I'm here to pick up
|
||
Jill. We're going to walk up the hill" The old man told them to have a good
|
||
time. The next boy came up and said, "Hello, I`m Eddie. I'm here to pick up
|
||
Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti." The old man wished them well and off
|
||
they went. The third boy came up to the cabin and said, "Hello, I'm Chuck"
|
||
and the old man shot him.
|
||
|
||
A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day there was walking
|
||
across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me,
|
||
can you tell me where the library is at?" The upperclassman responded, "At
|
||
Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions." The Georgian then replied,
|
||
"Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
|
||
|
||
A man went to the doctor and said in a very deep gravely voice, "doctor is
|
||
there anything you can do for my voice?" The doctor examined him, and noticed
|
||
that he had a 14-inch cock. The doctor said, "I think the problem is that
|
||
your penis is too large." "Can you help me?" said the man. "No problem," the
|
||
doctor said, "we'll just cut it off!" The man's voice returned to normal, but
|
||
his sex life was over. The man called the doctor and asked him if he could
|
||
get his dick sewn back on. The doctor said in a deep gravely voice, "Gee I'd
|
||
like to but I don't know where it is!"
|
||
|
||
There's a new stamp out to commemorate prostitutes. It's a 22-cent stamp --
|
||
unless you want to lick it. Then, it's a dollar.
|
||
|
||
Tarzan and Jane came to New York and were being interviewed.
|
||
A reporter said, 'Tarzan, what is your wife's name?'
|
||
Tarzan replied, "Jane.'
|
||
The reporter then said, 'No, what is her whole name?'
|
||
Tarzan answered, 'Pussy'
|
||
|
||
So this woman is at a supermarket and she sees the boxboy while going through
|
||
the checkout line and she's hot for him. She's got to figure out how to let
|
||
him know. Aha. Her bags are packed and she asks the boxboy if he'll help her
|
||
take her bags out to her car. So they're out on the lot and she says to him,
|
||
"I have an itchy pussy." And he replies, "Look lady, you'll have to point it
|
||
out, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."
|
||
|
||
A man goes to the doctor and is told he has only six hours to live. He
|
||
rushes home and tells his wife and then says lets make love. They do and then
|
||
they fall asleep. A couple of hours later he wakes up and says,"Honey, let's
|
||
do it again."They do and again after a very brief nap he says to her, "Honey,
|
||
how about doing it one more time?" She replies, "Aw come on, I have to get up
|
||
in the morning, You don't!"
|
||
|
||
a Deaf mute walks into pharmacy, wanting to buy condoms. He has difficulty
|
||
communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on shelf. Frustrated,
|
||
deaf-mute unzips his pants, places his "member" on the counter, and puts down a
|
||
dollar next to it. Pharmacist comes around counter, places his own "member" on
|
||
the counter next to deaf-mute's. Since pharmacist's organ is larger, he picks
|
||
up the dollar and puts it in his pocket. Exasperated, deaf mute begins to
|
||
curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if
|
||
you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
|
||
|
||
A man goes to his psychiatrist and explains that on Monday through Thursday he
|
||
feels like a TeePee and on Friday through Sunday he feels like a Wigwam. The
|
||
psychiatrist explains, "Your problem is obvious, you're two tents."
|
||
|
||
The floor manager of the Men's Department at May Company notices that a large
|
||
crowd has gathered around the tie section and that there seems to be quite a
|
||
disturbance brewing. He rushes over and breaks through the crowd to discover a
|
||
blind man swinging his seeing-eye dog around over his head by the dog's tail.
|
||
At a loss for what to do, he runs to the man's side and says, "Sir! Sir! What's
|
||
wrong? Can I help you?" Whereupon the blind man replies, "No, thanks. I'm just
|
||
looking around!"
|
||
|
||
Good news and bad news:
|
||
The Good News: They finally found Rock Hudson's
|
||
long-lost wallet!
|
||
The bad news:.....Your picture was in it!
|
||
|
||
The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked "Oh
|
||
father, how did you choose the names for your three children?" The great chief
|
||
replied "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after
|
||
the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him
|
||
running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a
|
||
beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a
|
||
question, two-dogs-fucking?"
|
||
|
||
Many years ago, there was a gathering of Indian tribes from all over. While
|
||
the Braves were busy doing war dances, some of the squaws gathered together to
|
||
do their chores in company and to compare their children. Near a bend in the
|
||
river, three squaws spread hides and sat together to chat. The first squaw sat
|
||
on the hide of a buffalo. She had only one son. The second squaw sat on the
|
||
hide of a mountain lion. She had three sons. The last squaw sat on the hide of
|
||
a hippopotamus. She had four sons. All this goes to prove..... That the sons
|
||
of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the
|
||
other two hides.
|
||
|
||
A PLUMBER WAS CALLED TO FIX A PIPE. HE ARRIVED, BANGED ON THE PIPES FOR 15
|
||
MINUTES, AND SAID TO THE HOMEOWNER, WELL THAT'LL BE $35. THE HOMEOWNER
|
||
SAID"THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!!- WHY THAT'S $140 PER HOUR!! I'M A LAWYER AND I
|
||
ONLY MAKE $100 AN HOUR!!" THE PLUMBER REPLIED, "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I GOT WHEN
|
||
I WAS A LAWYER"
|
||
|
||
Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would
|
||
accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made
|
||
some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out.
|
||
They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for awhile, then casually said "Say,
|
||
can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?" "Sure" said the old
|
||
shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"
|
||
|
||
A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up
|
||
looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a
|
||
gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When
|
||
he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The
|
||
man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and
|
||
hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the
|
||
tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his
|
||
balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers,
|
||
"If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."
|
||
|
||
Mikhail Gorbachev woke up one morning feeling great. He walked to his window,
|
||
saw the sun coming up and crowed, "Good morning, sun!" As he turned away, he
|
||
was startled to hear a great, booming voice say, "Good morning, Comrade.
|
||
Good morning to you and the great Union of Soviet Socialist Republics."
|
||
Gorbachev quickly woke Raisa and his closest aides, took them to the window
|
||
and said, "Good morning, Comrade sun." Again the voice boomed, "Good morning,
|
||
Comrade. Good morning to you and to the rest of the glorious party."
|
||
Gorbachev sat down to his day's work, convinced he was destiny's child.
|
||
Later, as the sun was setting, he walked to the window and said, "Good
|
||
evening to you, Comrade sun." When no response came, he repeated the
|
||
salutation again and again, growing increasingly impatient with the silence.
|
||
"Sun! I'm talking to you!" he suddenly screamed. "F**k you, a**h*le! the
|
||
voice thundered back. "I'm in the West now!"
|
||
|
||
"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the bartender. "I just got the
|
||
shock of my life. I caught my wife screwing my best friend." "Paul, that's
|
||
awful. What did you do?" "I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent
|
||
him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits."
|
||
|
||
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think
|
||
you married her only for her beauty. And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
|
||
but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money. And
|
||
The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a
|
||
tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
|
||
|
||
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor
|
||
told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him
|
||
in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room,
|
||
he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk:
|
||
a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in,
|
||
the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is
|
||
for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this
|
||
instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
|
||
The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said
|
||
`a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
|
||
|
||
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom
|
||
door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror,
|
||
mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a
|
||
brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
|
||
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they
|
||
both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror
|
||
mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright
|
||
flash...and his legs fall off.
|
||
|
||
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the
|
||
tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so
|
||
he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman
|
||
looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".
|
||
|
||
The gang was hanging out at the local bar one day when in walked an attractive
|
||
young lady. She goes up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. She then
|
||
downs her drink and passes out on the floor. Not to miss an opportunity like
|
||
this, the bartender closes the door, and he and his three friends take the lady
|
||
into the back room, and take turns fucking her. Upon finishing, they dressed
|
||
her and put her in one of the booths where she soon wakes up, completely
|
||
oblivious to recent events. The next day, the girl returns to the same bar and
|
||
repeats her order for a shot of whiskey. Again she passes out, but this time,
|
||
about a dozen of the bar patrons take part. When she awakens, she still has no
|
||
idea of the role she has played in the days entertainment. Soon the word gets
|
||
out, and sure enough, when the young lady returns to the bar the next day, there
|
||
are about 30 men waiting anxiously for her to order, and then finish her drink.
|
||
As she approaches the bar, the bartender holds up her shot glass and says,
|
||
"Here's your shot of whiskey, ma'am." She shakes her head and says, "Better
|
||
make it a beer, mister. Whiskey tends to make my pussy ache."
|
||
|
||
A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress "I want a cup of coffee without
|
||
cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says "I'm sorry, but
|
||
we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"
|
||
|
||
Two guys go into a small diner for breakfast, the waitress comes up and asks for
|
||
their order. "I'll have two eggs over easy, toast, and juice." the first man
|
||
says. "And I'll have two eggs scrambled, toast, and juice in a clean glass"
|
||
says the other. The waitress comes some time later and asks "...now who gets the
|
||
clean glass?"
|
||
|
||
A young black couple are watching TV when their child speaks for the first time,
|
||
saying "MOTHER". With excitement, the father exclaims "Did you hear that honey?
|
||
Our son just said half a word!".
|
||
|
||
A guy and his friend are killed in a car accident. They both arrive at the
|
||
pearly gates together. Saint Peter first guides the one man to a stunning blond
|
||
woman and says "she is your partner for eternity." Then Saint Peter returns,
|
||
looks over his list of the other man's sins and trespasses. He proclaims, "you
|
||
sir, must pay for your sins! and with that, leads the man to this grotesquely
|
||
overweight woman with limp stringy hair and a greasy face. "This isn't fair! the
|
||
man exclaims, "I admit that I haven't been without sin in my life, but my friend
|
||
over there cheats at cards, never goes to church, and beats his wife. Why does
|
||
he get HER as a partner?". To this Saint Peter replies, "She has to pay for her
|
||
sins too, you know."
|
||
|
||
ONE DAY, A POLISH MAN WAS NUDE SUNBATHING ON HIS ROOF. HE GOT A BAD SUNBURN ALL
|
||
OVER! THAT NIGHT, HIS GIRLFRIEND CAME OVER. AND WHILE THEY WERE FUCKING, HIS
|
||
DICK STARTED TO HURT. WELL, SINCE MILK IS GOOD FOR SUNBURN, HE POURED A GLASS
|
||
AND STUCK HIS DICK IN IT. A FEW MINUTES LATER, HIS GIRLFRIEND WALKED OUT, SAW
|
||
HIM, AND SAID, "I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW YOU GUYS LOADED THOSE THINGS!"
|
||
|
||
THERE WERE THREE GUYS ON THIS ISLAND. A POLISH, AN AMERICAN, AND A GERMAN.
|
||
ONE DAY A BOTTLE WASHED UP ON SHORE, AND OUT POPPED A GENIE. HE SAID I WILL
|
||
NOW GRANT YOU EACH A WISH. THE AMERICAN WISHED TO BE BACK FUCKING HIS WIFE.
|
||
THE GERMAN SAID YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD I WANT THE SAME. POOF THEY WERE GONE.
|
||
YOU ARE THE LAST SAID THE GENIE, WHAT DO YOU WANT? "WELL, I AM KIND OF
|
||
LONELY...I WISH THE OTHER GUYS WERE BACK HERE."
|
||
|
||
ONCE UPON A TIME A POLOCK, AN AMERICAN, AND A GERMAN WERE GOING TO BE SHOT BY A
|
||
FIRING SQUAD. WHEN THE AMERICAN WAS ABOUT TO BE SHOT HE SHOUTED OUT "TORNADO!".
|
||
SO THE WHOLE FIRING SQUAD RAN, AND THE AMERICAN ESCAPED. THE NEXT DAY THE
|
||
GERMAN WAS ABOUT TO BE SHOT WHEN HE YELLED "TIDALWAVE!", AND HE ESCAPED. THE
|
||
NEXT DAY THE POLOCK WAS GOING TO BE SHOT. THE FIRING SQUAD WAS ALL LINED UP AND
|
||
JUST WHEN THEY WERE ABOUT TO SHOOT HE YELLED "FIRE!"
|
||
|
||
BEING UNDER PRESSURE FROM CIVIL RIGHTS GROUPS, NASA FINALLY DECIDED TO LET A
|
||
POLOCK FLY INTO SPACE IN THE SHUTTLE. HIS ONLY CREWMATE WAS A CHIMPANZEE WHO
|
||
WAS TRAINED TO DO SPECIAL TASKS DURING THE MISSION. AS THE SHUTTLE WENT INTO
|
||
ORBIT A RED LIGHT CAME ON, AND THE CHIMP TURNED ON THE ON-BOARD TAPE RECORDER.
|
||
THE TAPE TOLD THE CHIMPANZEE TO IGNITE THE ORBITAL ENGINES TO REDUCE VELOCITY TO
|
||
18000 MPH. THE CHIMP DID THAT. FIVE MINUTES LATER, THE RED LIGHT CAME BACK ON,
|
||
AND THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE TAPE TOLD THE CHIMP TO GO INTO AN ORBIT WHICH WOULD
|
||
ALLOW THE SHUTTLE TO RENDEZVOUS WITH A LOST INSAT SATELLITE. THE CHIMP DID
|
||
THAT. FINALLY, THE GREEN LIGHT CAME ON, AND THE POLACK WAITED FOR HIS FIRST
|
||
INSTRUCTIONS. HE TURNED ON THE TAPE. "FEED THE MONKEY" IT SAID.
|
||
|
||
One day, a Polack and his friends were watching a football game. The Polack said
|
||
"I'll bet anyone $10 that the quarterback will make a touchdown on this play!"
|
||
One of his friends accepted. So the play started and the quarterback ran all the
|
||
way to the 1 yard line and got tackled. The Polack lost his $10, so he said
|
||
"I'll bet anyone $10 that he'll make it on the replay!"
|
||
|
||
A few years ago the Polocks and the Texas Aggies were playing football. At the
|
||
end of the first quarter, the gun sounded and the Polocks ran off the field
|
||
thinking it was halftime. Four plays later the Aggies scored a field goal.
|
||
|
||
THERE WERE THESE THREE GUYS, A MEXICAN, A BLACK, AND A POLOCK. WHILE LIVING IN
|
||
MEXICO, THEY GOT CAUGHT SELLING DRUGS. IN MEXICO, THE PENALTY FOR THIS IS A
|
||
HANGING IN A TREE THAT OVERLOOKS THE RIO GRANDE. THIS WAY, ALL THEY DO IS CUT
|
||
THE ROPE, AND THE BODIES GO FLOATING DOWN TO THE OCEAN. WHEN THE MEXICAN WAS PUT
|
||
UP IN THE TREE, THE KNOT SLIPPED, AND HE FELL INTO THE RIO GRANDE, FREE. THE
|
||
BLACK WAS UP NEXT, AND HE WAS SO DIRTY AND GREASY AND HE SLIPPED THROUGH THE
|
||
NOOSE. AFTER HE FELL, HE TOO SWAM HIS WAY TO FREEDOM. THE POLOCK STOOD UP AND
|
||
SAID "HEY GUYS, YOU BETTER TIE THE ROPE BETTER FOR ME, CAUSE I CAN'T SWIM!"
|
||
|
||
AN AMERICAN, A FRENCHMAN, AND A POLOCK WERE RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS IN SEARCH
|
||
OF A PLACE TO HIDE FROM A FIRING SQUAD IN HOT PURSUIT. AS THEY WERE MOVING
|
||
THROUGH THE FOREST THEY HEARD SOUNDS OF THE APPROACHING SEARCH PARTY AND THE
|
||
DECIDED TO TAKE TO THE TREES TO HIDE. THE AMERICAN CLIMBED UP A TREE AND THE
|
||
FRENCHMAN AND THE POLOCK KEPT ON GOING. A LITTLE FARTHER DOWN THE ROAD THE
|
||
FRENCHMAN CLIMBED UP A TREE AND THE POLOCK WENT ON. A LITTLE FARTHER DOWN THE
|
||
ROAD THE POLOCK CLIMBED UP A TREE. AS THE SEARCH PARTY WALKED UNDER THE
|
||
AMERICAN'S TREE, A BRANCH SNAPPED AND FELL TO THE GROUND. IN DESPERATION, THE
|
||
AMERICAN STARTED WHISTLING LIKE A BIRD. THE SEARCH PARTY DECIDED THAT IT WAS
|
||
JUST THAT, A BIRD, SO THEY WENT ON. AS THE PARTY MOVED UNDER THE TREE WHERE THE
|
||
FRENCHMAN WAS HIDING THE FRENCHMAN ALSO ACCIDENTALLY MADE A TELLTALE NOISE. AS
|
||
THE SEARCH PARTY LOOKED AROUND THEY FRENCHMAN WENT "WHOOO...WHOOO...". THE
|
||
SEARCH PARTY BELIEVED IT TO BE AN OWL, AND AGAIN MOVED ON. AS THE PARTY
|
||
APPROACHED THE POLOCK'S TREE THEY SUDDENLY HEARD A STRANGE LOUD NOISE EMANATING
|
||
FROM THE BRANCHES "MOO...MOO..."
|
||
|
||
The Polack came home from his job at the pickle factory and told his wife, "I
|
||
have this terrible urge to stick my thing in the pickle slicer. I know it's
|
||
crazy, but I can't help it." His wife was shocked, "You mustn't even think of
|
||
that! Get such crazy ideas out of your head." For weeks, this went on. Finally,
|
||
one evening he came home and said to his wife, "I finally did it! I put my
|
||
thing in the pickle slicer." His wife was hysterical. "What happened to you?"
|
||
Sadly he replied," They fired both of us."
|
||
|
||
A man with an exceptionally long penis goes to a surgeon and asks him to cut
|
||
off a part of it, saying, "Please Doc, you gotta do it. Every time I hiccup
|
||
on the toilet, it siphons all the water out of the bowl."
|
||
|
||
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to
|
||
watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw
|
||
an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a
|
||
halting gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could
|
||
help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his
|
||
son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions
|
||
of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his
|
||
hands and feet," states the old man. Jesus does a double take and says,
|
||
"Father?" The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"
|
||
|
||
God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget
|
||
it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned. Another
|
||
aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years
|
||
ago and froze my ass off". A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the
|
||
worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still
|
||
accusing me of knocking up some Jewish bitch!"
|
||
|
||
The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and
|
||
pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen."
|
||
|
||
Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted
|
||
by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must
|
||
answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man
|
||
on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells
|
||
ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter asks the
|
||
second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that
|
||
was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into
|
||
heaven. So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve
|
||
said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard
|
||
one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!
|
||
|
||
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
|
||
* END OF FILE *
|
||
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
|
||
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