440 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
440 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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125 Blonde Jokes
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A blonde gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop says "May I see
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your license please?"
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She says "Whats that ?"
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He says "The little card with you picture that allows you to drive?"
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She says "Oh, I have one of those ... here you go"
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The cop takes the license, goes back to his car and checks her out
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for any warrants. After checking he walks back up to her car
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window, unzips his pants, and pulls out his cock.
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The blonde looks up and says ...
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"Oh no, not another breathalizer test !!!"
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Two blondes were walking along and came upon some tracks. One blonde
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said, "Those look like deer tracks", and the other said, "No, they look
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more like moose tracks". They were still arguing when the train hit
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them.
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What's the worst blonde joke of all time? Dan Quayle.
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We have a Blonde where I work, who is so dumb she thinks Manual
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Labor is a Mexican.
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Did you hear about the blond who had a hysterectomy so she'd stop
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having grandchildren?
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Did you hear about the blond who was two hours late getting home
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because the escalator got stuck?
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Did you hear about the blond who stayed up all night studying for
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her urine test?
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Did you hear about the blond prostitute who didn't vote?
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She didn't care who got in.
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Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a
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drink from a clean glass?
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Did you hear about the blonde who only smelled good on the right
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side? She didn't know where to buy left guard.
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Did you hear about the blonde housewife who was mad at her husband
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because he was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook
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them.
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Did you hear about the blonde who lost her mind? She worked in a
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whorehouse for 6 years and then found out the other girls got paid!
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Did you hear about the pregnant blonde who went to the grocery
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store because she heard they had free delivery.
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Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?
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A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to
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side as they are saying "I don't know?" whenever you ask them a
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question.
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Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
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A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
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Q: What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?
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A: Gifted.
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Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
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A: I hope it's mine!!!!
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Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
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A: The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all to shreds.
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Q: What did the blondes mom say before she left for a date?
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A: If your not in bed by 10, come home!!!!
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Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
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A: To see what's on the other side.
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Q: What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer?
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A: Frosted flakes.
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Q: How do blondes commit suicide?
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A: They put spikes on their shoulder pads.
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Q: Why are blondes like turtles?
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A: When on their back, their screwed.
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Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
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A: Both are empty from the neck up.
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Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
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A: Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in
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alphabetical order.
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Q: What do you call 22 blondes standing in a row?
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A: Wind tunnel.
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Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
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A: She drowns it.
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Q: What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde?
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A: You keep hearing about them, but never see one...
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Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would
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land first?
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A: The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for
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directions.
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Q: Why don't blondes like pickles?
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A: They keep getting their head stuck in the jar...
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Q: What is a blondes' mating call?
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A: Oh, I'm soooooo drunk!
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Q: What is a brunettes mating call?
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A: Have all the blonde's gone home?
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Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
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A: An Interpreter.
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Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
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A: Are all you guys on the same team?
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Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
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A: Artificial intelligence.
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Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
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A: 100 - 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&Ms.
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Q: How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
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A: Whiteout all over the screen.
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Q: How can you tell if she has been back to the computer?
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A: Writing on the whiteout.
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Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart
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Blondes?
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A: They are all make-believe.
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Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
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A: Toes Go In First
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Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their bras?
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A: Tits Go In First
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Q: Why do blondes like the GST?
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A: It's the only thing they can spell.
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Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
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A: To keep their ankles warm.
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Q: How do you change a blondes mind?
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A: Blow in her ear.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an airplane?
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A: The Black Box ALWAYS tells the truth.
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Q: How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?
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A: Opens the car door.
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Q: How is a blonde unlike the Titanic?
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A: You know how many men went down on the Titanic.
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Q: Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie?
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A: Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.
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Q: Why did the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
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A: She kept throwing out the W's!
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Q: What do four blondes have in common?
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A: Nothing they can think of.
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Q: What does a blond say after making love?
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A: "Thanks guys..."
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Q: What is the best protection against rape?
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A: dye your hair blond - no one "rapes" a blond!
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Q: What do most blonds have against condoms?
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A: Their cheeks!
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Q: How can you tell a real blond from a fake?
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A: Fuck her!
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Q: What's the difference between an intelligent blonde and a U.F.O.?
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A: There have been U.F.O. sightings.
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Q: How do you drown a blonde?
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A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool....
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Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet???
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A: The winner of a Hide and Seek game.....
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Q: What do you call a circle of blondes?
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A: A dope ring.......
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Q: What goes "VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH!"
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A: A blonde at a flashing red light!
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Q: Why can't blondes use birth control pills?
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A: They keep falling out.
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Q: If you have 3 blondes sitting on a couch, how do you know which one
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is the cock sucker?
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A: The one spitting feathers!
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Q: What happened to the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
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A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
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Q: How does a blond hemophiliac cure herself?
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A: With acupuncture!
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Q: Why does a blond eat beans on Saturday?
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A: So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday.
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Q: How can you tell when you're in bed with an Blonde man???
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A: It's not hard.
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Q: What do you call a virgin blonde?
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A: An ugly 3rd grader.
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Q: What do you have when there are three blondes in a corner?
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A: An Air Pocket
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Q: What do you call a blond driving a car?
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A: An Air Bag
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Q. How does a blond screw in a light bulb?
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A: With lubricant...
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(but how does she get into the lightbulb?)
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Q: What does a blond put behind her ears to attract men?
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A: Her ankles!
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Q: Did you hear about the blonde girl who thought her typewriter
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was pregnant?
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A: Seems it was skipping periods.
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Q: What did the blonde say when the job interviewer asked "Please spell
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your name?"
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A: "Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E."
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Q. Why Do You Take A Blonde Shopping With You?
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A. To Be Able To Park In The HandiCapped Zone.
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Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb
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A. 100 -- 1 to screw it in and 99 to say I can do that.
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Q: What do a Bleached Blonde and a 747 have in common?
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A: They both have little Black Boxes
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Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a 747?
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A: Not everyone's been in a 747!
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Q: What's the other difference between a Blonde and a 747?
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A: A 747 only goes down occasionally where a Blonde...well...
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Q: Why Don't They Give Blondes Coffee-Breaks?
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A: It's Such a Pain In The Ass Having To Retrain Them All The Time.
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Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
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A: Oh look, daddy...doughnut seeds
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Q: How do you drown a Blonde??
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A: Put a mirror in the bathtub...
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Q: How do you know when a blonde is having her period?
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A: When she can't find her pencil and her tampon's behind her ear.
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Q: How come the blonde had a square chest?
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A: She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
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Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blondes' eye?
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A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Q: How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
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A: Wave.
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Q: How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?
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A: Fell out of the tree.
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Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
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A: They can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little package.
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Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
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A: Because that's where you wash vegetables.
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Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
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A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
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Q: What does a Blonde do first thing in the morning?
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A: Gets dressed and goes home.
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Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
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A: To keep her neck warm.
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Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
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A: Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
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A: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
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Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head.
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A: All you can eat under a buck.
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Q: What did the blonde call her pet Zebra?
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A: Spot.
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Q: How is a dumb blonde like spaghetti?
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A: They both squirm when you eat them.
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Q: Why was the blonde delighted when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in
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11 months?
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A: Because the box said 2 to 4 years.
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Q: How do you drown a blonde?
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A: Put a scratch and snif at the bottom of the pool.
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Q: If Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde
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were standing together and someone dropped a $100 bill in front of
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them, who would pick it up?
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A: The dumb blonde....there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter
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Bunny, or a smart blonde.
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Q: What is the difference between Big Foot and a smart blonde?
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A: There have been confirmed sightings of Big Foot.
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Q: If a Blonde an "X" wife and an attorney fell out of an airplane
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which one would hit the ground first?
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A: Who cares?
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Q: What do a blonde and a postage stamp have in common?
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A: You lick em, you stick em and you send them on their way.
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Q: What's the difference between a miniature circus and a group of
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blondes?
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A: The circus is an array of cunning stunts!
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Q: Why don't Blondes breast feed their babys?
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A: Because it hurts too much when they boil their nipples.
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Q: How do you brainwash a Blonde?
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A: Give her an enema.
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Q: Why didn't the Blonde have any ice cubes for her party?
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A: She lost the recipe.
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Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who won a gold medal?
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A: She was so proud that she had it bronzed.
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Q: Why does a Blonde prefer tilt steering?
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Q: More headroom.
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Q: What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes?
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A: None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them
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either.
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Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
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A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
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Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
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A: Are all you guys on the same team?
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Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart
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Blondes?
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A: They are all make-believe.
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Q: Did you hear that the only job for blondes at the candy factory
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A: Proofreading the M&M's?
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Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday night?
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A: Tell her a joke on thursday...
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Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies???
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A: 3, 2 to make the batter, and 2 to peel the M&Ms.....
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sorry (3, 2 to make the batter and 1 to peel the M&Ms).....
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Q: Why can't blondes use birth control pills?
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A: They keep falling out.
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Q: Did you hear about the blond prostitute who didn't vote?
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A: She didn't care who got in.
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Q: How does a blond screw in a lightbulb?
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A: She holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve
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around her.
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Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
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A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
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Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
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A: A brain tumor.
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Q: What do you call a blonde in leather jacket?
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A: A rebel without a clue!
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Q: Why Did The Blonde Have Bruises around Her Navel?
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A: Her Boyfriend Was Blonde Too.
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Q: Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains?
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A: Her husband died.
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Q: Why can't blondes fart?
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A: They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
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Q: What does a blonde say in the morning?
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A: Who ARE you guys?
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Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
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A: Tell her a joke on Monday.
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Q: What do screen doors and blondes have in common?
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A: The more you bang them the loser they get.
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Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
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A: They don't know the route.
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Q: What do blondes and computers have in common?
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A: You never appreciate either until they go down on you.
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Q: Why don't blondes like vibrators?
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A: It's hard on their teeth.
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Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
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A: One is a busy ditch.
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Q: What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?
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A: A thought.
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Q: What do tou call ten blondes in a swimming pool?
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A: An air pocket.
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Q: What do you see when you look deep into the eyes of a blonde?
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A: The back of her head.
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Q: What is dumber than the 133 Blondes above?
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A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these silly things.
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