textfiles/humor/JOKES/belboard.inf

                           FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


               INTEL UNVEILS BELOW BOARD WITH EXPENDED MEMORY

      1 April 1986, Hillsboro, OR:  Intel Corporation's Personal
      Computer Enhancement Operation (PCEO) today announced Below
      Board, a memory add-on device for the underachiever.  Below Board
      is designed for the IBM PC, XT, AT and their compatibles or
      incompatibles.  Below Board conforms to the -1.4 revision of a
      memory specification, the most negative revision to date.  It is
      believed that Below Board will spawn a whole new generation of
      incompatible software as well as hardware.

      Below Board operates by moving Conventional RAM down to the
      memory space below 0K, where DOS can't conflict  with it.  The
      new memory space is called expended memory.  This is a superior
      alternative to competitive products which allow normal software
      to fill-up the memory.  Below Board always maintains at least
      640K of free memory.  A side benefit to this method of memory
      management is that nearly 100% of the 8086 to 80286 processing
      capacity is kept available.

      Below Board establishes a new class of PC products known as
      Vacantware.  Such products use an undocumented instruction in the
      8086 processor family called VANISH.  The VANISH instruction
      places the CPU in Vapor mode, in which the expended memory can be
      erased or ignored.  Expended memory is relatively efficient,
      since even CPU's that have been greatly speeded up, still only
      require one wait state.  No other states are allowed.

      Shipments of Below Board are expected to begin within 2 to 15
      months.  Prices and billings will be announced shortly after
      delivery.  all orders must be placed prior to last year.
******************************************************************************
                      CALIFORNIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY
                             ENTRANCE EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS:
     Read each question carefully.
     Answer all questions.
     Time Limit: four hours.



HISTORY -

     Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day,
     concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political,
     economic religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and
     Black Africa.
     Be brief, concise, and specific.


MEDICINE -

     You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a
     bottle of scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your
     work has been graded.  You have fifteen minutes.


BIOLOGY -

     Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
     if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with
     special attention to its probable effect on the Chinese communist system.
     Prove your thesis.


MUSIC -

     Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate it.
     You will find a piano under your seat.


PSYCHOLOGY -

     Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional
     stability, degree of adjustment and represeed frustrations of each of the
     following: Alexander of Aphrodoxis, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicia, and
     Hammurabi.  Support your evaluation with quotes from each man's work,
     making appropriate refernces.  It is not necessary to translate.


PUBLIC SPEAKING -

     Three hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
     Calm them.
     You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.


SOCIOLOGY -

     Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
     of the world.  Conduct an experiment to test your theory.


ENGINEERING -

     The disassembled parts of a high powered rifle have been placed
     on your desk.  You will also find an instruction manual, printed in
     Sanskrit.  In ten minutes a hungry Begal tiger will be released into
     the room.
     Take appropriate action.


PHILOSOPHY -

     Sketch the development of human thought.  Estimate its significance.
     Compare with the development of other kinds of thought.


POLITICAL SCIENCE -

     There is a red telephone on the desk before you.
     Start World War III.


ECONOMICS -

     Establish cowrie shells as the world monetary standard.  Head a
     cartel on shell production and corner the market.


PHYSICS -

     Trace the development of mathematics and its effect on the physical
     sciences from the time of Neanderthal Man to the 21st Century.
     Construct a nuclear weapon.
     Detonate it.
     Put it out.
******************************************************************************
Federal Aviation Administration,
Washington, D.C.

Gentlemen:
    I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events
that occurred yesterday.  First of all,  I would like to thank that very
nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't
need it any more.  I guess that means that you're giving me my
full-fledged pilot's license.  You should watch that fellow though,
after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was
shaking.  Anyway, here is what happened.

    The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed.
But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and
visibility and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another
exciting experience at the controls of an airplane.  I was pretty proud
of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since
I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of
an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charbroiled
steaks and the greatest martinis.

    On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about
the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis
that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

    When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as
I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would.  There were
only a few snowflakes.  I checked the weather and I was assured that it
was solid IFR.  I was delighted.  But when I talked to the local
operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-3 Cub, was down
for repairs.  You could imagine my disappointment.  Just then a
friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane,
which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly.  I
think that he called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper.  It didn't have
a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry.  Oh
yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

    We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch.  Now, I
don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to
get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane.
That's ridiculous.  I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs,
handles and switches.  As we both know, confidentially, they have
simplified this in the J-3 Cub.  I forgot to mention that I did file a
flight plan, and those people were so nice.  When I told them I was
flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435,
a local superhighway, all the way.  These fellows deserve a lot of
credit.  They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has
problems with red tape.

    The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern
just the way the book says it should be done.  The tower operator told
me to contact Departure Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly
since I knew where I was going.  There must have been some kind of
emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began
yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off
the radio.  You'd think that those professionals would be better
trained.  Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus
type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and,
since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to
have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast.
After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to
watch the ground.  This was a bad thing to do, I realized.  My neighbor
undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all
around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots
have to make the best of it, don't we?

    It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to
be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't
much to see.  I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a
pilot with only six hours.  My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt
pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told.  I
don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing
straight up on its chain.  That was pretty funny and I asked my neighbor
to look but he just kept staring straight ahead with sort of a glassy
look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all
non-pilots are.  By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it
kept winding and unwinding all the time.

    Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we
were going, since I had worked it out on the computer.  I am a whiz at
that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I
came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except
mountains.  These weather people sure had been wrong, too.  It was real
marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet.  You just
can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right?  Why,
there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolts of
lightning.  I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was
and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was
asleep,  having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to
wake him up.  Anyway, just then an emergency occured because the engine
quit.  It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I
knew right where the other ignition switch was.  I just fired up the
other engine and we kept right on going.  This business of having two
engines is really a safety factor.  If one quits the other is right
there ready to go.  Maybe all airplanes should have two engines.  You
might look into this.

    As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously.  It
was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in
such bad weather.  I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was
pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning
flashes it would have been hard to navigate.  Also, it was hard to read
road signs through the ice on the windshield.  Several cars ran off the
road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying
being a lot safer than driving.

    To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew
right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for
cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there.  It was an Air Force Base
so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of
colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were
welcome.  Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these
military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it
but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard.  These people ought
to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain as a
taxpayer.  Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land
because they kept talking about some goddamn-stupid-son-of-a-bitch up
in that fog.  I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out
of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway.  A lot of people
came running out waving at us.  It was pretty evident that they had
never seen an Aztec C before.  One fellow, some general with a pretty
nasty temper, was real mad about something.  I tried to explain to him
in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be
swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he
must have a drinking problem.

    Well, that's about all.  I caught a bus back home because the
weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there.
He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake.  Poor
fellow, he must have the flu, or something.

    Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new
license airmail, special delivery.

                                                      Very, truly yours,
******************************************************************************
                     NEW VERSION OF FOREM BBS SOFTWARE
                    ----------------------------------
     A new release of FoReM ST arrived yesterday. Among the features is
yet another new file transfer protocol, 'ZZZMODEM.' This new protocol
transfes data in blocks of 16 Megabytes, giving it the largest block size
of any file transfer protocol in the Known Universe. The checksum for each
block in a ZZZMODEM transfer is sent via XMODEM, for greater accuracy.
"This new protocol will allow us to transfer data at rates up to one one-
hundredth of one percent FASTER than by any previous method," explained
Phil "Compu" Dweeb, a FoReM aficionado, pausing occasionally to wipe
the drool from his chin.

      Industry insiders were quick to point out that using ZZZMODEM, it
takes roughly 2 hours and 25 minutes to transfer a 20K file at 19,200 baud.
Mr. Dweeb said that this problem has been dealt with. "Each block is padded
with nulls, which take no time to send," he explained.

     The new version of FoReM ST also has the new "Recursive ARCing"
feature. As Mr. Dweeb explains: "All download files are recursively ARCed
by FoReM before being put online. Our experience has shown that when you
ARC a file, it gets smaller. Therefore, the approach we have taken is to
repeatedly ARC the file until it reaches a size of roughly 10K. At that
point, it's hardly worth  the trouble, wouldn't you say?"
     
     Reportedly in the works for a future release is the patented "One
Length Encoding" process. Early reports suggest that this procedure can
reduce the length of a file to just 1 bit. Mr. Dweeb takes up the story:
"One day we were sitting around doing some hacken and phreaken, and one of
us started thinking. All binary data is encoded into bits, which are
represented by ones and zeros. This is because a wire can either carry a
current or not, and wires can therefore be set up in a a series that can
represent strings of ones and zeros. "Notice, however, that the real
information is carried in the ones, since the others carry no current.  I
mean, what good does a wire do when it isn't carrying any current?  So by
dropping all the zeros, you can easily cut file sizes in half.  So we
decided that a cool way to speed up data transfer would be to only send the
one bits. The results were phenomenal -- an average speed increase of 50%!!
"After we finished the initial implementation, we kept finding ways to
make the thing  faster, and more efficient. But then we realised that we
hadn't gone all the way. If you think about it, after you drop all the
zeros, you're left with a string of ones.  Simply count all the ones, and
you're left with another binary string.  Say you end up with 7541 ones. In
binary, that's 1110101110101.  So immediately we've reduced the number of
bits from 7541 to 13. But by simply repeating the process, we can reduce it
further. 1110101110101 becomes 111111111, or 9, which is 1001, which be-
comes 2, which is 10, or 1.

Once we reach a string length of 1, we have
reached maximum file com-pression. We now have the capability to encode
virtually unlimited amounts of information into a single digit! Long-
distance bills will never be the same! "Now, that's not to say that there
aren't a few problems. The biggest one we have encountered is that for some
reason, there seems to be a certain amount of data loss during the re-
conversion process. It seems that sometimes the file cannot be expanded
into its original form. So, the solution we came up with was to have an
encryption key associated with each file. When a One Length Encoded file is
received and is undergoing decompression, the unique encryption key must be
supplied. That way, we end up with a 100% success rate in our conversions!

     "A problem which we are having difficulty resolving lies in the fact
that to ensure a 100% success rate, the encryption key must be exactly as
long as the original file. We are confident, however, that the use of our
Recursive ARCing procedure will help to solve this problem..."
******************************************************************************
                      STAR TREK:  IN SEARCH OF POWER


    "Sulu, set path to the root directory and install the ram disk for
320k.  We're taking her out."
    "Aye, sir."
    "Scotty, I want full power to the megabit ram chips and to the hard
drives."
    "Captain, yer overloadin' her as it is.  The power supply just isn't
built to take two hard drrrives."
    "Power, Scotty!  I want more power!  Chekov, install the disk cache.
Spock, any word on the millions of instructions per second?"
    "Fascinating, Captain.  It seems as if the turbo accelerator board
is overrunning the hard drive, which, due to its poorer response time,
is slowing down the system performance."
    "Scotty, where is that power!?"
    "Captain, I'm givin ye all she's got.  It's that miserable 80986
with the 512k bit bus multiplexed down to one pin. The wee beastie has
these teeny weeny little segments that can only handle so much.  You'll
have to install an extended memory board, do bank switching, and
allocate a huge ram disk if you want to go any faster."
    "Chekov, install the EMS board."
	"Yes, sir."
    "Uhura, any word from mainframe command?"
    "Well, Captain, we're received several interrupts from the serial
port, but because we're not multitasking, the data is just sitting
there."
    "Scotty, how much longer until we can shift into Unix?"
    "Captain, if ye can squeeze another 60 megabytes onto that hard
disk, we might have room for Unix and a couple of system utilities.
Possibly an application.  We'll need to increase the clock speed to 28
gigahertz.  I think we can do it, but there are too many unknowns, too
many bugs in the system!  We'll have to do a proper shakedown."
    "Spock?"
    "Unix is a massive system, Captain, and the commands have to be
decoded from hieroglyphics invented back in ancient times.  It may be
more than we can handle."
    "Sulu, put in the 60 meg hard drive, install Unix for mouse drive.
Prepare to go to Task speed on my signal."
    "Mouse drive?  ......Aye, Captain."
    "Now!  Yes, Bones?  What do you want?"
    "Jim, you just have a little spreadsheet work, mailing labels, and
some word processing.  Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?"
    "Sulu?"
    "Captain, she's shifting into multitasking.  Task one.  Task two....
Captain, I'm losing control at the helm.  It looks like we've
encountered a bad sector."
    "Put it on visual, Sulu."
    "Captain, the VGA is not responding, sir.  Shifting resolution into
EGA mode."
    "Spock?  What's the problem?"
    "Unknown, Captain.  Unix seems to be rerouting all input to a null
device."  Trying 'grep'", now muttering, "whatever that is."
    "Scotty, what's happening with those '/dev' subdirectories?"
    "Captain, she canna take much morrre....  Another fifteen seconds
and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...."
    "Scotty, we're not using the math chip."
    "Sorry, Captain, but I haven't been able to say that for twenty
minutes."
    "Uhura, notify mainframe command."
    "Captain, either communications is breaking up, or you're dropping
into Shakespearean stutter mode again."
    "Captain, she canna take much morrre....  Another fifteen seconds
and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...."
    "Enough Scotty!"
    "Captain!  I'm getting a message from mainframe command......
Apparently, sir, they're going to time-warp previously forgotten modes
of data handling, it looks like SQL syntax is forming in the language
port now."
    "Scotty, quick, pop-up the menu shields.  This could be a trick to
get us back to card punching."
    "I'm sorry, Captain, but Dbase LCXIX doesn't have pop-ups that work
yet."
    "Chekov, we need hardcopy!  Fire HP LaserJet!"
    "Aye, sir."
    "Bones, how do I see which tasks are active?"
    "I'm a doctor, Jim, not a command shell!"
    "Scotty!  Why can't I get a directory on this thing!!?"
    "Captain, ye just canna have a mouse driven pull down menu system
with Unix.  It's like matter and antimatter, the system's too bogged
down.  Yer drainin me quartz crystals."
    "Chekov, report."
    "Captain, the little arrow is responding, but it gets to the side of
the screen before the windows have a chance to move..."
    "Spock?  What's happening to our multitasking?"
    "It appears as if the needs of the one are outweighing the needs of
the many."
      "Captain, she's not even runnin on reserve now.  We'll have to do a
cold boot for surrre."
    "Bones?"
    "It's dead, Jim."
******************************************************************************
                        REASONS TO HATE COMPUTERS

They cost too much.
They break down all the time.
They're too hard to fix.
All the different brands are incompatible.
They take up too much desk space.
They become obsolete five minutes after you leave the store.
They don't understand plain English.
You can't fix them by whacking them a few times with a hammer.
Electronic bulletin boards never have enough thumbtacks.
You have to know how to type to use them.
They lose your data every time there's an electrical storm in the
   Western Hemisphere.
They give off weird, otherworldly radiation that probably causes
   cancer but we won't find out until we all have it.  And they make you go
   blind too.
They all have three-pronged plugs, and it's a two-pronged world.
There are too many kinds to choose from.
All of them are lousy anyway.
Our grandparents never had them, and they got along just fine.
They're taking away people's jobs.
They don't do anything the average person needs.
They're ugly.
Printer ribbons have to be replaced too frequently.
They think the world can be reduced to strings of ones and zeros.
They forget everything they know the instant you turn them off.
Storing words on disks never made any sense and it never will.
Five cables sticking out of an appliance is cruel and unusual punishment.
Computer paper is cheap and flimsy.
Printers sound like World War III.
Since diskettes are not female disks, they have no right to their own word.
Computer furniture is uncomfortable and looks lousy around the house.
Computer salesmen are sleazeballs.
Instruction manuals are written by illiterate sadists.
When they sell you a $500 computer, they forget to mention that you have to
   spend another $1,500 in order to do anything with it.
Most computers have dumb names.
How can you respect any machine controlled by a mouse?
Right now some kid is trying to figure out how he can use one to start a
   nuclear war.
It hurts your back to sit in front of one for a long time.
They don't make good conversation at parties.
They are an escape from the reality of life.
When you make a mistake using one, you can't blame it on anybody.
Women don't seem to like them.
They are God's way of telling you that you're not confused enough.
It's too easy to get a shock by licking the stamps on electronic mail.
If there weren't any computers, we wouldn't have computer errors, computer
   crime, or computer nerds.
If computers can tap into information networks thousands of miles away, how
   come they can't load the program I just bought down the street?
They're no good for balancing a checking account, because after you buy one
   there's nothing left in your checking account anyway.
Computer games are turning our children into brainless walking zombies.
And worst of all, the guy down the street has a better one than I do.
******************************************************************************
                          USComputer Lexicon 

                         By Cornelius Unicorn   


Beginner: A person who believes more than one-sixteenth of a computer 
  salesperson's spiel.

Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its 
  packing materials.

Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast 
  controls on any computer's monitor.

Sales Associate: A former cheese-monger who has recently traded 
  mascarpone for MS-DOS

Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate.

Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least 
  one tenth of the D-BASE 3 Plus Manual.

Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term 
  "AUTOEXEC.BAT".

Warranty: Disclaimer.

Service: Cursory examination, followed by the utterance of the phrase 
  "It can't be ours" and either of the words "hardware" or "software."

Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have 
  returned a registration card.

Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public.

Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released.

Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "beta test version."

Enhanced: Less awful in some ways than the previous model, and 
  less likely to work as expected.

Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate 
  doorstop or paperweight. (Lexicoginal note:  replaces the term 
  "junior.")

Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Fast (6MHz): Nowhere near fast enough.

Superfast (8MHz): Not fast enough.

Blindingly Fast (10MHz): Almost fast enough.

Astoundingly Fast (12MHz): Fast enough to work only intermittently.

Memory-Resident: Ready at the press of a key to disable any currently 
  running program.

Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the 
  multitude of computer programs that insist on running too fast.

Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the 
  creation of computer manuals.

Desktop Publishing: A system of software and hardware enabling users 
  to create documents with a cornucopia of typefaces and graphics and 
  the intellectual content of a Formica slab; often used in conjunction 
  with encryption.

High Resolution: Having nothing to do with graphics on an IBM-
  compatible microcomputers.

FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television 
  reception until you add the cable required to make it work.

American: Italian or Taiwanese, as in "American Telephone and Telegraph."

American-Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad.

Windows: A slow-moving relation of the rodent family rarely seen 
  near computers but commonly found in specially marked packages of 
  display cards, turbo cards, and Grape-Nuts Cereal.

TopView: The official position of IBM brass that an abysmally slow 
  character-based multitasking program is the product of the future.

Shareware: Software usually distinguished by its awkward user 
  interfaces, skimpy manuals, lack of official user support, and 
  particularly its free distribution and upgrading via simple disk 
  copying; e.g., PC-DOS.

DOS-SHELL: An educational tool forcing computer users to learn new 
  methods of doing what they already can.

UNIX: Sterile experts who attempt to palm off bloated, utterly arcane, 
  and confusing operating systems on rational human beings.

EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy 
  induced by attempts to understand extended, expanded or enhanced 
  memory specifications.

Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privilege 
  of paying to read the weather on their TV screens instead of having 
  Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their teeth.

Artificial Intelligence: The amazing, human-like ability of a computer 
  program to understand that the letter y means "yes" and the letter n 
  means "no."

Electronic Mail: A communications system with built-in delays and 
  errors designed to emulate those of the United States Postal Service.

C-py Pr-t-ct--n: An obscenity unfit to print and fast disappearing 
  from common parlance.

Turbo Card: A device that increases an older-model computer's speed 
  almost enough to compensate for the time wasted in getting it to work.

Laser Printer: A xerographic copying machine with additional 
  malfunctioning parts.

Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe 
  that does not offer game programs.

RISC: The gamble that a computer directly compatible with nothing else 
  on the planet may actually have decent software written for it 
  someday.

AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT 
  hard disks into performing properly.

Plotter: A terroristic hypodermic device used to inject graphic 
  representations of boring data into boring meetings.

Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning 
  to wish it had built.

CD-ROM: An optical device with storage sufficient to hold billions of   
  predictions claiming it will revolutionize the information industry.

IBM Product Centers: Historical landmarks forever memorializing the   
  concept of "list price only."

IBM: Somewhat like an IBM product; in current parlance, invariably 
  followed by the word "compatible."

IBM Compatible: Not IBM compatible.

Fully IBM Compatible: Somewhat IBM compatible, but won't run IBM 
  BASIC programs.

100% IBM Compatible: Compatible with most available hardware and   
  software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the day   
  after tomorrow.

Lap-Top: Smaller and lighter than the average secretary.

Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.

Transportable: Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm 
  system.

Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities 
  of data with simple mnemonic commands.

Mouse: A peripheral originally christened "vermiform appendix" because 
  of its functional resemblance, renamed for its appropriateness as a 
  cat toy.

Printer: An electromechanical paper-shredding device.

Modem:  A  peripheral  used in the unsuccessful  attempt  to  get  two   
computers to communicate with each other.

Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a 
  time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful 
  information.

Documentation: A perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in 
  situations of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable, 
  usually employed solely as a decorative bookend.

User-Friendly: Supplied with a full-color manual.

Very User-Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user 
  needn't bother with the full-color manual.

Extremely User-Friendly: Supplied with a mouse so that the user 
  needn't bother with the disk and audiotape, the full color manual, or 
  the program itself.

Easy to Learn: Hard to use.

Easy to Use: Hard to learn.

Easy to Learn and Use: Won't do what you want it to.

Powerful: Hard to learn and use.

Menu-Driven: Easy to learn.

Copy Protection: (1) A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates 
  from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it; (2) a 
  means of distinguishing honest users from thieves by preventing 
  larceny by the former but not by the latter.

Warranty: An unconditional guarantee that the program purchased 
  is actually included on the disk in the box.

Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.

Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally, upgrade free to avoid 
  litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0.

Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release   
  (except for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go   
  away), no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.

Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.

Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a 
  wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate 
  assumptions.

Word Processor: Software that magically transforms its user into 
  a professional author.

Thought Processor: An electronic version of the intended outline 
  procedure that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation from 
  high school.

Business Graphics: Popular with managers who understand neither 
  decimals, fractions, percentages, Roman numerals, but have more than a 
  passing acquaintance with pies and bars.

Database Manager: A program that allows the user to manipulate data in 
  every conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she 
  conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw information.

Project Manager: Software for generating fantasy scenarios of amazing 
  optimism; proven in computer firms, where it is extremely successful 
  at scheduling advertising campaigns for unavailable products.

Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of 
  functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen 
  he uses constantly.

Windows: A method of dividing a computer screen into two or more 
  unusably tiny portions.
******************************************************************************
                       Things to do When Bored
 
-Wax the ceiling                       -Rearrange political campaign signs 
-Sharpen your teeth                    -Play Houdini with one of your siblings 
-Braid your dog's hair                 -Clean and polish your belly button 
-Water your dog...see if he grows      -Wash a tree 
-Knight yourself                       -Name your child Edsel 
-Scare Stephen King                    -Give your cat a mohawk 
-Purr                                  -Mow your carpet 
-Play Pat Boone records backwards      -Vacuum your lawn 
-Whine                                 -Rake your carpet 
-Re-elect Richard Nixon                -Critique "Three's Company" 
-Listen to a painting                  -Play with matches 
-Buff your cat                         -Race ferrets 
-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange     -Have a formal dinner at White Castle 
-Read Homer in the original Greek      -Change your mind 
-Learn Greek                           -Change it back 
-Watch the sun...see if it moves       -Stand on your head 
-Build a pyramid                       -Stand on someone else's head 
-Spit shine your Nikes                 -See how long you can stay awake 
-Paint your teeth                      -See how long you can sleep 
-Wear a salad                          -Speak with a forked tongue 
-Get your dog braces                   -Shave a shrub 
-Have a proton fight                   -Watch a car rust 
-Quiver                                -Rotate your carpet 
-Learn to type...with your toes        -Set up your Christmas tree in April 
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge               -Be someone special 
-Mail it to a friend                   -Go back to square one 
-Factor your social security number    -Take the fifth 
-Memorize a series of random numbers   -Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages 
-Join the Foreign Legion               -Learn Sanskrit 
-Exist...existentially, of course      -Print counterfeit Confederate money 
-Kick a cabbage                        -Take a picture 
-Sandpaper a mushroom                  -Put it back 
-Play solitaire...for cash             -Abuse your patio furniture 
-Run for Pope                          -Count to a million...fast 
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock  -Commit seppuku...with a paper knife 
-Revert                                -Think shallow thoughts 
-Sleep on a bed of nails               -Boil ice cream 
-DON'T toss and turn                   -Run around in squares 
-Think of quadruple entendres          -Speak in acronyms 
-Have your pillow X-rayed              -Drink straight shots...of water 
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown       -Give your goldfish a perm 
-Fly a brick                           -Play tag...on 35W 
-Exorcise a ghost                      -Be blue 
-Exercise a ghost                      -Be red 
-Paint stripes on a lake               -But don't be orange 
-Ski Kansas                            -Sleep in freefall 
-Kill a Joule                          -Test thin ice...with a pogo stick 
-Apply for a unicorn hunting license   -Do a good job 
-Crawl                                 -Invite the Mansons over for dinner 
-Paint your windows                    -Watch a watch until it stops 
-Flash your goldfish                   -Paint 
-Flirt with an evergreen               -Smile 
-Rotate your garden...daily            -Paint a smile 
-Shoot a fire hydrant                  -Pretend you're blind 
-Apologize to it                       -Plant a shoe 
-Sweat                                 -Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil 
-Turn                                  -Take your sofa for a walk 
-Write a letter to Plato               -Start 
-Mail it                               -Stop 
-Dial 911 and breathe heavily          -Go to a funeral...tell jokes 
-Play the piano...with mittens on      -Starch your shoes 
-Polish your Calvin's                  -Contemplate a cockroach 
-Get a dog to chase your car           -Investigate the Czar 
-Let him catch it                      -Form a political party 
-Climb a sidewalk                      -Have a political party 
-Get diagonal...with a good friend     -Ride a loaf of bread 
-Sharpen a carrot                      -Interrogate a gerbil 
-Annoy yourself                        -Get mad at yourself 
-Stop speaking to yourself             -Be a side effect 
-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley      -Duck 
-Redecorate...your garage              -Develop a complex 
-Join the Army...be someone simple     -Try harder 
-Hit the deck                          -Put legwarmers on your furniture 
-Cut the deck                          -Scheme 
-Sit                                   -Water your family room 
-Stay                                  -Cause a power failure 
-Roll over                             -Wriggle 
-Play dead                             -Donate your brother's body to science 
-Find a witch                          -Ask why 
-Burn her                              -Regress 
-Sleepwalk without sleeping            -Go bow hunting for Toyotas 
-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids             -Jump back 
-Play to lose                          -Scalp a street light 
-Have your car painted...plaid         -Read a tomato 
-Sharpen your sleeping skills          -Watch a game show...take notes 
-Put out a fire                        -Interview a cloud 
-If you can't find a fire, make one    -Play tiddlywinks...go for blood 
-Play basketball...in a minefield      -Crumple 
-Translate Shakespeare into English    -Skydive to church 
-Cheer up a potato                     -Do aerobic exercises...in your head 
-Play cards with your swimming pool    -Pinstripe your driveway 
-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant            -Harness chipmunk power 
-Build a house with ice cubes          -Call London for a cab 
-Mug a stop sign                       -Change your name...daily 
-Go for a walk in your attic           -Challenge your neighbor to a duel 
-Try to join Hell's Angels by mail     -Wonder 
-Be a square root                      -Ask stupid questions 
-Weld your car doors shut              -Spew 
-Vacation at Three-Mile Island         -Surf Ohio 
-Teach your pet rock to play dead      -Go bowling for small game 
-Be a monk...for a day                 -Wear a sweatband to your wedding 
-Staple                                -Run away 
-Intimidate a piece of chalk           -Abuse the plumbing 
-Bend a florescent light               -Bend a brick 
-Annoy total strangers                 -Don't talk to things 
-Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling -Have your cat bronzed 
-Have your gerbil gilded               -Write books about writing books 
-Create random equations               -Misspell words 
-Tell your feet a joke                 -Throw a tomato into a fan 
-Sing the ABC song backwards           -Pretend you're a dog 
-Dial-a-prayer and argue with it       -Grease the doorknobs 
-String up a room                      -Stack furniture 
-Relive fond memories                  -Tie your shoelaces together 
-Gargle                                -Count your teeth with your tongue 
-Decay                                 -Find your half-life 
-Build a house out of toothpicks       -Howl 
-Wear a lampshade on your head         -Memorize the dictionary 
-Stomp grapes in the bathtub           -Find a bug and chase it 
-Make yourself a pair of wings         -Be immobile 
-Dance 'til you drop                   -Check under chairs for chewing gum 
-Squish a loaf of bread                -Moo 
-Bounce a potato                       -Outmaneuver your shadow 
-Climb the walls                       -Appreciate everything 
-Challenge yourself to a duel          -Believe in Santa Claus 
-Let the best man win                  -Throw marshmallows against the wall 
-Hold an ice cube as long as possible  -Adopt strange mannerisms 
-Blow up a balloon until it pops       -Sing soft and sweet and clear 
-Open everything                       -Sing loud and sour and gravelly 
-Balance a pencil on your nose         -Pour milk in your shoes 
-Write graffiti under the rug          -Embarrass yourself 
-Grind your teeth                      -Chew ice 
-Count your belly button               -Sit in a row 
-Stack crumbs                          -Gesture 
-Save your toenail clippings           -Make a pass at your blender 
-Punt                                  -Make up words that start with X 
-Make oatmeal in the bathtub           -Search for the Lost Chord 
-Chew on a sofa cushion                -Sing a duet 
-Balance a pillow on your head         -Hold your breath 
-Faint                                 -Stretch 
-Flash your mailman                    -Teach your TA English 
-Learn to speak Farsi                  -Swear in Russian 
-Use an eraser until it goes away      -Disassemble your car 
-Record your walls                     -Put it together inside out 
-Interview your feet                   -Make a list of your favorite fungi 
-Sell formaldehyde                     -Make napalm 
-Tattoo your dresser                   -Watch a bowling ball 
-Buy some diapers                      -Eat everything 
-Begin                                 -Pour milk in the sink 
-Make cottage cheese                   -Tie-dye your sheets 
-Hold your earlobes                    -Carpet your ceiling 
-Fold your earlobes                    -Flap 
-Squawk                                 -Read tea leaves 
-Analyze the Koran                     -Be Buddha 
-Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize    -Plug in the cat 
-Turn on everything                    -Drop pebbles down the chimney 
-Turn off your neighbor                -Kill a plant 
-Buy a 1931 Almanac                    -Memorize the weather section 
-Think lewd thoughts about yourself    -Peel grapes 
-Send chills down your spine           -Make paper from the skins 
-Blow bubbles                          -Bloat 
-Catch them with your radiator         -Get run over by a train of thought 
-Make up famous sayings                -Bite your pinkie 
-File your teeth                       -Design a better toilet seat 
-Shred a newspaper                     -Scratch 
-Have a headache                       -Sniff 
-Hatch an egg                          -Play air guitar 
-Spill                                 -Act profound 
-Spell                                 -Stare 
-Truncate                              -Slouch 
-Develop hearing problems              -Put your feet behind your head 
-Tie bows in everything                -Hold your hand 
-Watch the minute hand move            -Grow your fingernails 
-Pretend you're a telephone            -Radiate 
-Ring                                  -Skip 
-Play hopscotch...with real scotch     -Clock the velocity of your REMs 
-Put your shoes on the opposite feet   -Cross your toes 
-Roll your tongue                      -Crystalize 
-Baby oil the floor                    -Hide 
-Attack innocent bunnies               -Declare war 
-Destroy a tree                        -Hide the scrabble bag 
-Seduce your stick shift               -Wink 
-Memorize the periodic table           -Mummify 
-Pretend you're a roadie               -Buy a Ginsu knife 
-Collect electrons                     -Correct typos that aren't there 
-Polish your neck...use Pledge         -Repeat 
-Ad lib                                -Fade 
-Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God 
-Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car 
-Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet 
-Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes 
-Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture 
-Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending 
-Listen for non-satanic messages  (i.e. "Drink milk") 
-Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother 
-Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong 
-Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail 
-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire 
-Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before 
-Walk on water...but don't get caught 
-Confess to a crime...that didn't happen 
-Be in the wrong place at the right time 
-Plot the overthrow of your local School Board 
-Request covert assistance from the CIA 
-Discover the source of the Mississippi 
-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska 
-Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes 
-Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is 
-Drink as much prune juice as you can 
-Write a book about your previous life 
-Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres 
-Jump up and down...on your alarm clock 
-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins 
-Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels 
-Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow 
-Drive the speed limit...in your garage 
-Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final 
-Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna 
-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check 
-Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people 
-Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas 
-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes 
-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster 
-See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement 
-Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English 
-Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good 
 job they're doing...On April 1st 
-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor 
-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them 
-Turn your TV picture tube upside down 
-Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy 
-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets 
-Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks 
-Be planar...but don't tell your parents 
-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck 
-Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed 
-Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed 
-Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese 
-Debate politics with a fern 
-If you lose, stop watering it and try again. 
-Increase your territorial holdings by force 
-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat 
-Boldly go where no man has gone before 
-Be a threat to the American way of life 
-Do research into the cause of World War III 
-Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life 
-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh 
-See how small you can scrunch your face 
-Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis 
-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization) 
-Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation 
-Raise professional certified racing turnips 
-Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation 
-Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U. 
-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank 
-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway 
-Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first 
-Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch 
-Send your goldfish to obedience school 
-Free the oppressed toasters of America 
-Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing 
-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave 
-Park your car...with a friend 
-Park your car...with a group of friends 
-Frame your first statement of bankruptcy 
-Place it on the wall of your office 
-Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x) 
-Contribute to the population problem 
-Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign 
-Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor 
-Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife 
-Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway 
-Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night 
-Play with anything that looks interesting 
-Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first 
-See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water 
-Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work 
-Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up 
-State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes") 
-Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design 
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock 
-Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like 
-See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house 
-Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while 
-See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green 
-Bronze your sister's turtle 
-See how long it takes for her to notice 
-See what she does when she notices 
-Bronze your sister
******************************************************************************
         TABLE OF AMERICAN AND BRITISH ENGLISH WORDS


KEY:     sl. = slang
         n.  = noun
         v.  = verb
         +   = can be used by Americans, but rare and/or archaic
         >   = American spelling can be used as alternate spelling
    (XXXX)   = Pronounciation difference



AMERICAN                     BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a knockout (sl. beautiful)   a stunner (sl.)
a little bit                 a spot (sl.)
abrigment                    abrigement
acknowledgment               acknowledgement
ad (sl.)                     advert (sl.)
airplane                     aeroplane
aisle                        gangway
alley                        mews
aluminum                     aluminium
analyze                     >analyse
anemia                       anaemia
anesthetic                   anaesthetic
annex                        annexe
apartment                    mansion flat
apprise/apprize              apprise
amortize                     amortise/amortize
ardor                        ardour
baby buggy (sl.)             pram (sl. perambulator)
babysitter                   child-minder
bar                          pub
bartender                    landlord
bathroom                     loo (sl.)
bathroom                    +lavatory
beat (sl. tired)             fagged
biscuit                      scone
big deal (sl.)               big noise (sl.)
blacktop                     macadam
brash                        cheeky (sl.)
breakfast sausage            banger (sl.)
bucks (sl. dollars)          quid (sl. pounds)
buffet                       set meal
buggy (4 wheel carriage)     buggy (2 wheel carriage)
bum (sl. vagrant)            +tramp
bum (sl. vagrant)            bum (sl. backside)
burglary                     house-breaking
cafeteria                    refrectory
can (metal container)        tin
can (sl. jail)               nick (sl. gaol)

AMERICAN                     BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

can (sl. backside)           bum (sl.)
caliber                      calibre
call up (telephone)          ring up
cark shark (sl. gambler)     card sharper (sl.)
center                       centre
cinder road                  metalled roadway
check                        cheque
checkers (game)              draughts
clerk (KLERK)                clerk (KLAHRK)
closet (clothes closet)      closet (toilet)
closet (clothes closet)      cupboard (clothes closet)
color                        colour              
corn                        +Indian corn
connection                   connexion
confused                     fogged (sl.)
cookie                       biscuit
cop (police officer)         bobby
county court                 assize
coveralls                    boiler suit
crap (sl. worthless)         rot (sl.)
crooked (illegal)            bent (sl.)
curb                         kerb
dead on (sl.)                bang on
defense                      defence
deflection                   deflexion (but not in engineering)
derby (hat)                  bowler
detour                       diversion
dialyze                     >dialyse
diarrhea                     diarrhoea
diner                        chop house
disbarred                    struck off
disgusting                   off-putting
dishrag                      dish mop
discount store               cut-price shop
dock                         quay
draft beer                   draught beer
dresser                     +wardrobe
dude                         tosh (sl.)
ecology                      oecology (old sp.)
edema                        oedema
efficiency apartment         bed-sit
electrolyze                 >electrolyse
elevator                     lift
engineer (railroad)          engine driver
enrollment                   enrolment
eolian                       aeolian
esophagus                    oesophagus
estrogen                     oestrogen
etiology                     aetiology
favor                        favour
favorite                     favourite

AMERICAN                     BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

fender (of a car)            wing
fervor                       fervour
festive gathering            jollities (sl.)
fetus                        foetus
fiber                        fibre
fire department              fire brigade
fired                        sacked
first floor                  ground floor
flashlight                   torch
flavor                       flavour
fooling around               messing about or mucking about (sl.)
for rent                     to let
freeway                      motorway
freight train                goods train
French                       Frog (sl.)
french fries                 chips
fuel oil                     petrol
gasoline (or gas)            petrol
gas                          cooking gas
garbage can                  dustbin
garbage dump                 rubbish tip
genuflection                 genuflexion
get lost! (sl. leave)        push off! (sl.)
glasses                     +spectacles (sl. specs)
gray (color)                 grey (colour)
grounded (electrical)        earthed
got                          have gotten
hand drill                  +brace and bit
hang around (sl. loiter)     hang about (sl.)
hang up (telephone)          ring off
hardware store               ironmongers
harbor                       harbour
hemoglobin                   haemoglobin
hearing aid                  deaf aid
hiccup                       hiccough
honor                        honour
hood                         bonnet
horn (of a car)              hooter
hubcap                      +wheel cover
humor                        humour
inflection                   inflexion
installment plan             hire-purchase
intermission                 interval
jail                         gaol
janitor                      porter
jewelry                      jewellery
judgment                     judgement
kind of                     +rather
knock up (sl. get pregnant)  knock up (sl. wake up)
labor                        labour
lawyer                       barrister

AMERICAN                     BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lawyer                       soliciter
leather neck (sl. US Marine) jollies (sl. Royal Marines)
legal holiday               +bank holiday
leveling                     levelling
license                      licence (n.; v.= license)
line                         que
lining up                    queueing
lodgment                     lodgement
long distance (telephone)    trunk call
looney                       dottie (sl.)
loot                         boodle, swag (sl.)
luggage                     +baggage
luster                       lustre
mail                         post
mail                         letter
mailbox                      postbox or pillar box
mailman                     +postman
maneuver                     manoeuvre
marvelous                    marvellous
men's room                   gents (sl.)
messy                        shabby
meter (unit)                 metre
meter (as in voltmeter)      meter
mist                         damp
mold                         mould
molder                       moulder
molt                         moult
mom (mother)                 mum
movie                       +film
movie theater               +cinema
municipal judge              magistrate
neighbor                     neighbour
newsstand                    kiosk
notary public                commisioner of oaths
nuts (sl. crazy)             dotty (sl.)
offense                      offence
orchestra seat               stall
organize                     organise
overdraw (an account)        overdraft
overpass (highway)           flyover
pad (sl. house)              digs (sl.)
pal (sl. friend)            +fellow, chap (sl.)
pants                       +trousers
paralyze                    >paralyse
parking lot                  motor park
penny (cent)                 pence
picked up (arrested)         nicked (sl.)
pharmiscist                  chemist
phone booth                  call box
phony                        phoney
photo flash                  flashlight

AMERICAN                     BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

plain                        moor
plow                         plough
practice                     practise (v.; n.= practice)
pretense                     pretence
program                      programme
pulled up                    drew up
radio                        wireless
railroad car                 railroad carriage
rain cape                    ulster
raincoat                     mackintosh (or mac sl.)
research scientist           boffin (sl.)
red hair                     ginger hair (sl.)
restroom                    +lavatory
rigor                        rigour
root beer                    ginger beer
rubber boots                +gum boots
rubbers                     +galoshes
rumble seat                  dickey seat (sl.)
savor                        savour
sawed                        sawn
scallion                     spring onion
schedule (SKED-JEWL)         scedule (SHED-DUAL)
Scotch tape                  celotape
scratch pad                  scribbling block
second floor                 first floor
sepulcher                    sepulchre
set the table                lay the table
sewers                       drains
sidewalk                     path or footpath
shoes                        boots
shoeshine boy                bootblack
shorts (underwear)           pants
show up (sl. arrive)         pop in (sl.)
shower                      +shower bath
smelled                      smelt
smolder                      smoulder
somber                       sombre
space heater                 electric fire
speakeasy (sl.)              off licence (sl.)
specter                      spectre
speedboat                    engine boat
stand (law court)            dock
station wagon                estate car
stool pigeon (sl. informer)  grass (sl.)
store                       +shop
story (as in: three story)   storey
streaked with...             shot through with...
streetcar                    tram
subway                       underground
subway station               tube station
suspenders                   braces

AMERICAN                     BRITISH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

swamp                        bog or mire
swimming pool                swimming bath
switch (railroad)            points
tailored shirt maker         bespoke shirtmaker
takeout (food)               takeaways
taxes                        rates
taxpayers                    ratepayers
taxi                        +cab
theater                      theatre
thumbtacks                   drawing pins
time= HH:MM                  time=HH.MM
trailer                      caravan
trench coat                  duffle coat       
truck (motor truck)          lorry
truck (railroad car wheels)  bogie
trunk (of a car)             boot
tire                         tyre
toilet                       water closet (W.C.)
traffic cirle                roundabout
tumor                        tumour
TV (sl.)                     telly (sl.)
undershirt                   vest
vacation                     holiday
vacuum tube                  valve
valet (military)             batman
vapor                        vapour
vaudeville                   music hall
vest                         waistcoat
vise (tool, clamp)           vice
wagon                        waggon
watch out for the...         mind the...
whiz                        +whizz
will                         shall/will
will not                     shan't
windsheild                   windscreen
workman                      tradesman
wrench                       spanner
z (zee)                      z (zed)


Limey (sl. English person)   Yank (sl. American person)




Adding to this list are all sorts of subtle gramatical shifts,
i.e. "Well, that fell into the category of things which could
have been put better, but I let him carry on."   Which to an
American sounds VERY British, even though an American COULD
possibly say it that way.  An American would more likely phrase
it, "Well, I though he could have said it better, but I let him 
go on." There are conventions of language and phrasing that are
difficult to pick out, as well as subtle differences in logic.
Most Americans think that the British habit of installing light
switches so they light turns on when the toggle is pulled DOWN is
very illogical.  In speaking you can say turn up the light to
replace turn on the light and carry the same meaning. Likewise
turn down the light sounds like approaching off.  But British
logic doesn't follow the same conventions.
******************************************************************************
July 3,1990

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


Rumors of the recent development of a super CPU in a secret factory in the 
breakaway republic of Bananistan seem borne out by documents leaked by high 
administration sources in an off-the-record briefing last week. What is 
known so far is that the chip is manufactured under sea moss technology by 
vapor depositing an ultra-thin substrate of L-triptophan on a base of 
semi-conducting carob. Using CISC (complicated instruction set) methodology, 
the CPU is directly programmable in BUNGL, a superset of the BOTCH language 
discussed in the April 1980 issue of CREATIVE COMPUTING (pp. 16-17), then 
undergoing Beta test. Speculation persists that World Power Systems is 
testing a work station optimized for LOGO turtle graphics using the new 
super chip, but no confirmation was available at press time. 


                            Overextended Mnemonics
                            ----------------------

ARRN     Add and reset to random number
BB       Branch on bug
BBI      Branch on burned-out indicator
BBO      Branch on bathtub overflow
BCF      Branch on chip box full
BCH      Branch on carry flag at half mast
BD       Backspace disk
BPO      Branch on power off
BS       Branch sometimes
BSC      Burst selector channel
BSO      Branch on sleepy operator
BTI      Blow trumpet immediately
CCS      Chinese character set
CRN      Convert to Roman Numerals
DAC      Divide and conquer
DAD      Disable address and data lines
DD       Destroy disk
DO       Divide and overflow
DPK      Destroy storage protect key
DZSR     Divide by zero and store remainder
ECP      Erase card punch
ED       Eject disk
EIO      Execute invalid op-code
EN       Emulate Nintendo
EROS     Erase read-only storage
FSG      Fill screen with garbage
FSR      Forms skip and run away
HCF      Halt and catch fire
IA       Illogical and
II       Interrupt and ignore           
IL       Infinite loop
IOR      Illogical or
IRB      Invert record and branch
IRT      Ignore write-protect tab
LCC      Load and clear core
LIA      Load ineffective address
LMB      Lose message and branch
LRB      Lose register byte
MLR      Move and lose record
MTI      Make tape invalid
MWC      Move and warp core
NPN      No program necessary
OCS      Overwrite code segment
OOS      Override operating system
PBC      Print and break chain
PI       Punch invalid
PO       Punch operator
PPSW     Pack program status word
PS       Print and smear
RBT      Read blank tape
RCR      Rewind card reader
RCS      Read card and scramble data
RDI      Reverse drum immediately
RID      Read invalid data
RIG      Read inter-record gap
RBT      Rewind and break tape
RIM      Read instruction manual
RM       Refresh memory          
RNR      Read noise record
ROM      Read operator's mind
RPM      Read programmer's mind
RPB      Read, print and blush
RRCR     Rotate right cash register
RRR      Read record and run away
RSC      Rewind system clock
RSO      Resume on stack overflow
RT       Reduce throughput
SC       Scramble channels
SD       Slip disk
SDRB     Search and destroy register byte
SLC      Shift left continuous
SLP      Sharpen light pencil
SPSW     Scramble program status word
SRCC     Select reader and chew cards
SRSD     Seek record and scar disk
SSJ      Select stacker and jam
TAB      Throw away byte
TAM      Transfer accumulator to Minneapolis
TPO      Turn power off
TVT      Test vacuum tubes
UCB      Uncouple CPU and branch
UER      Update and erase record
UPC      Uncouple program counter
WB       Wait for bus
WG       Wait for Godot
WBT      Write blank tape
WI       Wetware interrupt
WNR      Write noise record
WRS      Write to ROM storage
WWLW     Write wrong length word
XNH      Execute no-op and hang
XUI      Execute undefined instruction
******************************************************************************
   >>>>>>     W H Y   C O P S   H A T E   Y O U     <<<<<<
   
           -if you have to ask get out of the way-



     Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was 
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that 
he would just love to yank you out of the car,  right through  the 
window,  and smash your face into the front fender?  Have you ever 
had a noisy little spat with someone, and a cop cruising by calls, 
"Everything all right over there?" Did you  maybe  sense  that  he 
hoped that everything was not all right, that he wanted one of you 
to answer,  "No, officer, this idiot's bothering me"?  That all he 
was looking for was an excuse to launch himself from  the  cruiser 
and play a drum solo on your skull with his nightstick?  

     Did  you  ever  call the cops to report a crime-maybe someone 
stole something from your car or broke into your home-and the cops 
act as if it were your fault?  That  they  were  sorry  that  the 
crook  didn't  rip  you off for more?  That instead of looking for 
the culprit,  they'd rather give you  a  shot  in  the  chops  for 
bothering them with your bullshit in the first place?  

     If  you've  picked  up on this attitude from your local sworn 
protectors, it's not just paranoia.  They actually don't like you.  
In fact,  the cops don't just dislike you,  they hate your fucking 
guts!  Incidentally, for a number of very good reasons.  

     First  of  all,  civilians are so goddamn stupid.  They leave 
things lying around,  just begging thieves  to  steal  them.  They 
park  cars  in  high crime areas and leave portable-TVs,  cameras, 
wallets, purses, coats, luggage,  grocery bags,  and briefcases in 
plain view on the seat.  Oh,  sure,  maybe they'll remember to close 
all the windows and lock the doors, but do you know how easy it is 
to bust a car window?  How fast can it  be  done?  A  ten-year-old 
can  do  it  in less than six seconds!  And a poor cop has another 
Larceny From Auto on his hands.  Another crime to write  a  report 
on,  waste  another  half hour on.  Another crime to make him look 
bad.  

     Meanwhile,  the asshole who left the family heirlooms on  the 
backseat  in  the first place is raising hell about where were the 
cops when the car was being looted.  He's planning to write  irate 
letters to the mayor and the police commissioner complaining about 
what  a  lousy police force you have here;  the can't even keep my 
car from getting ripped  off!  What,  were  they  drinking  coffee 
somewhere?  

     And  the  cops  are  saying  to  themselves,  "Lemme tell ya, 
fuckhead, we were seven blocks away,  taking another stupid report 
from  another  jerkoff  civilian  about  his car being broken into 
because he left his shit on the backseat, too!" 

     These civilians can't figure out that  maybe  they  shouldn't 
leave stuff lying around unattended where anybody can just pick it 
up and boogie.  Maybe they should put the shit in the trunk, where 
no  one  but  Superman is gonna see it.  Maybe they should do that 
before they get to  wherever  they're  going  just  in  case  some 
riffraff  is  hanging  around watching them while the car is being 
secured.  

    Another thing that drives cops wild is the "surely this doesn't 
apply to me" syndrome, which never fails to reveal itself at scenes 
of sniper or  barricade  incidents.  There's  always  some  asshole 
walking  down  the  street  (or  jogging or driving) who thinks the 
police cars blocking off the area, the ropes marked Police Line: Do 
Not Cross,  the cops crouched behind cars  pointing  revolvers  and 
carbines  and  shotguns and bazookas at some building,  all of this 
has nothing whatsoever to do with him - so he  weasels  around  the 
barricades  or  slithers  under  the restraining ropes and blithely 
continues on his way, right into the field of fire.  

     The result is that some cop risks his ass  (or  hers  -  don't 
forget, the cops include women now) to go after the cretin and drag 
him,  usually  under  protest,  back to safety.  All of these cops, 
including the one risking his ass,  devoutly hope that  the  sniper 
will  get off one miraculous shot and drill the idiot right between 
the horns, which would have two immediate effects:  The quiche-for-
brains  civilian  would be dispatched to the next world,  and every 
cop on the scene would instantaneously be licensed to kill the scum 
bag doing the sniping.  Whereupon the cops would destroy the  whole 
fucking  building,  sniper and all,  in about 30 seconds,  which is 
what they wanted to  do  in  the  first  place,  except  the  brass 
wouldn't  let  them because the mother-fucker hadn't killed anybody 
yet.  

     An allied phenomenon is the "my,  isn't this amusing" behavior 
exhibited,  usually  by Yuppies or other members of higher society, 
at some emergency scenes.  For example,  a group  of  trendy  types 
will  be  strolling  down  the  street when a squad car with lights 
flashing and siren on screeches up to  a  building.  They'll  watch 
the  cops  yank  out  their  guns  and run up to the door,  flatten 
themselves against the wall,  and peep into the  place  cautiously.  
Now,  if  you think about it,  something serious could be happening 
here.  Cops usually don't pull their revolvers to go get a  cup  of 
coffee.  They  usually don't hug the sides of buildings just before 
dropping in to say hello.  Any five-year-old ghetto  kid  can  tell 
you  these  cops  are definitely ready to cap somebody.  But do our 
society friends perceive this?  Do they stay out of the cops'  way?  
Of  course  not!  They think it's vastly amusing.  And,  of course, 
since they're not involved in the funny little game  the  cops  are 
playing, they think nothing can happen to them!  

     While  the  ghetto  kid is hiding behind a car waiting for the 
shooting to start,  Muffy and Chip and Biffy are  continuing  their 
stroll,  right up to the officers, tittering among themselves about 
how silly the cops look, all scrunched up against the wall,  trying 
to  look  in  through  the door without stopping bullets with their 
foreheads.  

     What the cops are hoping at that  point  is  for  a  homicidal 
holdup  man  to come busting out the door with a sawed-off shotgun.  
They're hoping he has it loaded with elephant  shot,  and  that  he 
immediately  identifies  our  socialites  as serious threats to his 
personal well-being.  They're hoping he has just enough  ammunition 
to blast the shit out of the gigglers, but not enough to return the 
fire when the cops open up on him..  

     Of course,  if that actually happens, the poor cops will be in 
a world of trouble for not protecting  the  "innocent  bystanders." 
The  brass  wouldn't  even want to hear that the shitheads probably 
didn't have enough sense to come in out of an acid  rain.  Somebody 
ought  to  tell  all the quiche eaters out there to stand back when 
they encounter someone with a gun in his hand,  whether he  happens 
to be wearing a badge or ski mask.  

     Civilians  also aggravate cops in a number of other ways.  One 
of their favorite games is "Officer,  can you tell me?" A cop knows 
he's  been  selected  to play this game whenever someone approaches 
and utters those magic words.  Now,  it's  okay  if  they  continue 
with,  "...how to get to so-and-so street?" or, "...where such-and-
such a place is located?"  After  all,  cops  are  supposed  to  be 
familiar  with  the  area  in which they work.  But it eats out the 
lining of their stomachs when some jerkoff asks, "where can I catch 
the number fifty-four bus?" Or, "Where can I find a telephone?" 

     Cops look forward to their last day  before  retirement,  when 
they  can  finally  give  these douche bags the answer they've been 
choking back for 20 years:  "No maggot,  I can't tell ya where  the 
fifty-four bus runs!  What does this look like, an MTA uniform?  Go 
ask a fucking bus driver!  And no,  dog breath,  I don't know where 
you can find a phone,  except wherever your  fucking  eyes  see 
one!  Take your head out of your ass and look for one!" 

     And  cops  just  love  to  find  a  guy  parking  his car in a 
crosswalk next to a fire hydrant at a bus stop posted with  a  sign 
saying,  "Don't  Even  Think About Stopping,  Standing,  or Parking 
Here.  Cars Towed Away,  Forfeited to the Government,  and Sold  at 
Public Auction," and the jerk asks, "Officer, may I park here for a 
minute?" 

     "What,  are ya nuts?  Of course you can park here!  As long as 
you like!  Leave it there all day!  Ya don't see anything that says 
ya can't,  do ya?  You're welcome.  See ya  later."  The  cop  then 
drives  around  the  corner  and  calls  a  tow truck to remove the 
vehicle.  Later, in traffic court, the idiot will be whining to the 
judge,  "But Your Honor,  I asked an officer if I could park there, 
and  he  said I could!  No,  I don't know which officer,  but I did 
ask!  Honest!  No, wait Judge, I can't afford five hundred dollars!  
This isn't fair!  I am not creating  a  disturbance!  I've  got  my 
rights!  Get  your hands off me!  Where are you taking me?  What do 
you mean,  ten days for contempt of court?  What did  I  do?  Wait, 
wait....."  If  you  should happen to see a cop humming contentedly 
and smiling to himself for no apparent reason,  he may have won  at 
this game.  

     Wildly  unrealistic civilian expectations also contribute to a 
cop's distaste  for  the  general  citizenry.  An  officer  can  be 
running  his  ass off all day or night handling call after call and 
writing volumes of  police  reports,  but  everybody  thinks  their 
problem  is  the  only  thing he has to work on.  The policeman may 
have a few worries,  too.  Ever think of that?  The sergeant is  on 
him  because  he's  been  late for roll call a few days;  he's been 
battling like a badger with his wife, who's just about to leave him 
because he never takes her anywhere and doesn't spend  enough  time 
at  home  and  the  kids  need braces and the station wagon needs a 
major engine overhaul and where are we gonna get the  money  to  pay 
for  all  that and we haven't had a real vacation for years and all 
you do is hang around with other cops and you've been drinking  too 
much  lately  and I could've married that wonderful guy I was going 
with when I met you and lived happily ever after and why don't  you 
get  a  regular  job  with regular days off and no night shifts and 
decent pay and a chance for advancement and no one throwing bottles 
or taking wild potshots at you?  

     Meanwhile,  that sweet young thing he met on a call last month 
says her period is late.  Internal Affairs is investigating him on 
fucking up a disorderly last week; the captain is pissed at him for 
tagging  a  councilman's  car;  a  burglar's  been  tearing  up the 
businesses on his post;  and he's already  handled  two  robberies, 
three  family  fights,  a  stolen  auto,  and a half dozen juvenile 
complaints today.  

     Now here he is on another juvenile call,  trying to explain to 
some  bimbo,  who's  the  president of her neighborhood improvement 
association,  that the security of  Western  Civilization  is  not 
really  threatened  all  that  much by the kids who hang around the 
corner by her house.  "Yes, officer,  I know they're not there now.  
They  always  leave  when  you come by.  But after you're gone they 
come right back,  don't you see,  and continue  their  disturbance.  
It's intolerable!  I'm so upset, I can barely sleep at night!" 

     By  now  the cop's eyes have glazed over.  "What we need here, 
officer," she continues vehemently,  "is greater attention to  this 
matter  by the police.  You and some other officers should hide and 
stake out that corner so those renegades  wouldn't  see  you.  Then 
you could catch them in the act!" 

     "Yes,  ma'am,  we'd  love to stake out that corner a few hours 
every night, since we don't have anything else to do,  but I've got 
a  better  idea," he'd like to say.  "Here's a box of fragmentation 
grenades the Department obtained from the Army just for  situations 
like  this.  The  next time you see those little fuckers out there, 
just lob a couple of these into the crowd and get down!" 

     Or he's got an artsy-crafty type who's  moved  into  a  tough, 
rundown  neighborhood  and  decides  it's gotta be cleaned up.  You 
know,  "urban pioneers." The cops see a lot of them now.  The  cops 
call  them  volunteer  victims.   Most  of  them  are  intelligent, 
talented,   hard  working,   well-paid   folds   with   masochistic 
chromosomes interspersed among their otherwise normal genes.  They 
have nice jobs,  live in nice homes, and have a lot of nice material 
possessions,  and they somehow decide  that  it  would  be  just  a 
marvelous  idea to move into a slum and get yoked,  roped,  looted, 
and pillaged on a regular basis.  What else do they  expect?  Peace 
and  harmony?  It's  like tossing a juicy little pig into a piranha 
tank.  

     moving day:  Here come the pioneers, dropping all their groovy 
gear from their Volvo station wagon,  setting it on the sidewalk so 
everyone on the block can get a good look  at  the  stereo  system, 
food processor,  the microwave,  the color TV,  the tape deck, etc.  
At the same time,  the local  burglars  are  appraising  the  goods 
unofficially  and calculating how much they can get for the TV down 
at the corner bar,  how much the stereo will bring at Joe's Garage, 
who might want the tape deck at the barbershop,  and maybe mama can 
use the microwave herself.  

     When the pioneers get ripped off,  the cops figure they  asked 
for  it,  and  they got it.  You want to poke your arms through the 
door of a tiger cage?  Don't be amazed when he eats it  for  lunch!  
The  cops  regard  it  as naive for trendies to move into the crime 
zones and conduct their lives the same way they did up  on  Society 
Hill.  In  fact,  they  can't  fathom why anyone who didn't have to 
would want to move there at all,  regardless of how  they  want  to 
live  or  how  prepared  they  might  be  to adapt their behavior.  
That's probably because the cops are intimately acquainted with all 
those petty but disturbing crimes and nasty little  incidents  that 
never make the newspapers but profoundly affect the quality of life 
in a particular area.  

     Something  else  that causes premature aging among cops is the 
"I don't know who to call, so I'll call the police" ploy.  Why, the 
cops ask themselves,  do they get so many  calls  for  things  like 
water leaks, sick cases, bats in houses, and the like.  Things that 
have   nothing  whatsoever  to  do  with  law  enforcement  or  the 
maintenance of public order?  They figure it's  because  civilians 
are getting more and more accustomed to having the government solve 
problems  for  them,  and  the local P.D.  is the only governmental 
agency that'll even answer the phone at 3:00a.m.,  let  alone  send 
anybody.  

     So,  when the call comes over the radio to go to such-and-such 
an address for a water leak,  the assigned officer rolls his  eyes, 
acknowledges,   responds,   surveys  the  problem,  and  tells  the 
complainant,  "Yep,  that's a water leak all right.  No doubt about 
it.  Ya  probably oughta call a plumber!  And it might not be a bad 
idea to turn off your main valve for a while." Or, "Yep,  your Aunt 
Minnie's  sick  all  right!  Ya  probably oughta get'er to a doctor 
tomorrow if she doesn't get any better by then." Or, "Yep, that's a 
bat all right!  Mebbe ya oughta open the  windows  so  it  can  fly 
outside again!" 

     In the meantime,  while  our  hero  is  waiting  time  on  this 
bullshit  call,  maybe  someone is having a real problem out there, 
like getting raped,  robbed,  or killed.  Street cops would like to 
work  the  phones  just  once  and  catch  a  few  of these idiotic 
complaints!  "A bat in your house?  No need to send an officer when 
I can tell ya what to do over the phone, pal!  Close all your doors 
and  windows  right  away.  Pour  gasoline all over your furniture.  
That's it.  Now,  set it on fire and get everybody  outside.  Yeah, 
you'll get the little motherfucker for sure!  That's okay,  call us 
any time." 

     Probably the  most  serious  beef  cops  have  with  civilians 
relates  to  those  situations  in  which  the use of force becomes 
necessary to deal with some desperado who may have  just  robbed  a 
bank,  iced  somebody,  beat up his wife and kids,  or wounded some 
cop,  and now he's caught but won't give up.  He's not going to  be 
taken alive,  he's going to take some cops with him, and you better 
say your prayers,  you pig  bastards!  Naturally,  if  the  chump's 
armed with any kind of weapon, the cops are going to shoot the shit 
out  of  him  so bad they'll be able to open up his body later as a 
lead mine.  If he's not armed,  and the cops aren't creative enough 
to  find a weapon for him,  they'll just beat him into raw meat and 
hope he spends the next few weeks in traction.  They view it  as  a 
learning  experience  for  the asshole.  You fuck up somebody,  you 
find out what it feels like  to  get  fucked  up.  Don't  like  it?  
Don't  do  it  again!  It's  called "street justice," and civilians 
approve of it as much as cops do, even if they don't admit it.  

     Remember how the audience cheered when Charles Bronson  fucked 
up  the  bad  guys in "Death Wish"?  How they scream with joy every 
time Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry makes his day by blowing up  some 
rotten  scumball  with  his  .44  Magnum?  What they applaud is the 
administration of street justice.  The old eye-for-an-eye  concept, 
one  of  mankind's  most  primal  instincts.  All  of  us  have it, 
especially cops.  

     It severely offends and deeply hurts cops when they administer 
a dose of good  old-fashioned  street  justice  only  to  have  some 
bleeding-heart  do-gooder happen upon the scene at the last minute, 
when the hairbag is at last getting his  just  deserts,  and  start 
hollering  police  brutality.  Cops  regard  that  as  very serious 
business indeed.  Brutality can get them fired.  Get fired from one 
police department,  and it's tough to get a job as a  cop  anywhere 
else ever again.  

     Brutality exposes a cop to civil liability as well.  Also, his 
superior  officers,  the police department as an agency,  and maybe 
even the local government itself.  You've seen  those  segments  on 
"60  Minutes",  right?  Some  cop  screws up,  gets sued along with 
everybody else in the department who ever had anything to  do  with 
him,  and the city or county ends up paying the plaintiff umpty-ump 
million dollars, raising taxes and hocking it's fire engines in the 
process.  What do you think happens to the cop who fucked up in the 
first place?  He's done for.  

     On may occasions when the cops are accused of excessive force, 
the apparent brutality is a  misperception  by  some  observer  who 
isn't  acquainted  with the realities of police work.  For example, 
do you have any idea how hard it is to handcuff someone who  really 
doesn't  want to be handcuffed?  Without hurting them?  It's almost 
impossible for one cop to accomplish by himself unless he beats the 
hell out of the prisoner first,  which  would  also  be  viewed  as 
brutality!  It  frequently takes three or four cops to handcuff one 
son of a bitch who's absolutely determined to battle them.  

     In situations like that,  it's not unusual to hear someone  in 
the  crowd  of  onlookers  comment on how they're ganging up on the 
poor bastard and beating him unnecessarily.  This makes  them  feel 
like telling the complainer,  "Hey motherfucker,  you think you can 
handcuff this shithead  by  yourself  without  killing  him  first?  
C'mere!  You're deputized!  Now go ahead and do it!" 

     The  problem is that,  in addition to being unfamiliar with how 
difficult it is in the real world  to  physically  control  someone 
without  beating his ass,  last minute observers usually don't have 
the opportunity to see for themselves,  like they do in the  movies 
and  on  TV,  what a fucking monster the suspect might be.  If they 
did,  they'd probably holler at the cops to beat his ass some more.  
They might actually even want to help!  

     The  best thing for civilians to do if they think they see the 
cops rough up somebody too much is to keep their mouths shut at the 
scene,  and to make inquiries of the police brass  later  on.  There 
might be ample justification for the degree of force used that just 
wasn't apparent at the time of the arrest.  If not,  the brass will 
be very interested in the complaint.  If one  of  their  cops  went 
over the deep end, they'll want to know about it.  

     Most of this comes down to common sense,  a characteristic the 
cops feel most civilians lack.  One of the elements of common sense 
is thinking before opening one's yap of taking other  action.  Just 
a  brief  moment  of  thought  will  often prevent the utterance of 
something stupid or commission of some idiotic act that will, among 
other things,  generate nothing  but  contempt  from  the  average 
street cop.  THINK-and it might mean getting a warning instead of a 
traffic  ticket.  Or  getting  sent  on  your  way rather than being 
arrested.  Or continuing on to your original destination instead of 
the hospital.  It might mean getting some real  assistance  instead 
of  the  runaround.  The  very  least it'll get you is a measure of 
respect cops seldom show civilians.  Act like  you've  got  just  a 
little  sense,  and even if the cops don't love you,  they at least 
won't hate you.  
******************************************************************************
       DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES 
  
  
                     Rewritten by the Quantum Mechanic 
  
                             (Author Unknown) 
  
                           Updated 8/7/88  W0PN 
  
For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe  
they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for  
which they charge a substantial rate.  The recent accidental acquisition of  
secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive  
research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the  
massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power  
companies. 
 
The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted  
light;  in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is  
then transported back to the power generation stations via wires.  A more  
descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name is for the  
device is DARKSUCKER.   
 
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory,  
which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has  
great mass, and further, that dark is the fastest known particle in the  
universe.  Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not  
suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is  
actually the ABSENCE of DARK...  light does not really exist! 
 
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark.   
Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are.  There is much  
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their  
limited range.  The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck  
dark.  Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much  
greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example. 
 
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a  
celestial scale; witness the Sun.  Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking  
it in from all the planets and intervening dark space.  Naturally, the Sun  
is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to  
it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which  
are far distant from the Sun. 
 
Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks;  under those conditions, dark  
spots appear on the surface of the Sun.  Scientists have long studied these  
'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots  
represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark  
to such an extent that some of actually leaks back into space.  This  
leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio  
communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles  
as they stream out into space via the black 'holes' in the surface of the  
Sun. 
 
As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime.  Once they  
are full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This condition can be observed  
by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached  
maximum capacity... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds  
a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck dark at  
all. 
 
A candle is a primitive darksucker.  A new candle has a white wick.  You  
will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all  
the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold a pencil next to the  
wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the  
way of the dark flowing into the candle.  Unfortunately, these primitive  
darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because  
of the intense heat produced.   
 
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights.  The bulbs in these  
devices cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a  
dark storage unit called a battery.  When the dark storage unit is full, it  
must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before  
the portable darksucker can continue to operate.  If you break open a  
battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is  
actually a compact dark storage unit.   
 
The darksuckers on your automobile are high capacity units with great  
range, thus they require much larger dark storage units mounted under the  
hood of the vehicle.  Since there is far more dark available in the winter  
season, automobile dark storage units reach capacity more frequently than  
they do in the summer, requiring 'recharging', or in severe cases, total  
replacement. 
  
Dark has great mass.  When dark is drawn into a darksucker, friction caused  
by the speed of the dark particles (called anti-photons) actually generates  
substantial heat, thus it is unwise to touch an operating dark sucker.   
Candles represent a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid  
wick instead of through clear glass.  This generates a great amount of  
heat, making it very dangerous to touch an operating candle.   
 
Because dark has such great mass, it is very heavy.  If you swim just below  
the surface of a lake, you see a lot of 'light' (absence of dark, to be  
more precise).  As you go deeper and deeper beneath the surface, you notice  
it gets darker and darker.  When you reach a depth of approximately fifty  
feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the heavier dark sinks to  
the bottom of the lake, making it appear 'lighter' near the surface. 
 
The power companies have learned to use the dark that has settled to the  
bottom of lakes by pushing it through turbines, which generate electricity  
to help push the dark into the ocean where it may be safely stored for  
their devious purposes.   
 
Prior to the development of turbines, it was much more difficult to get the  
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognized this  
problem, and developed means to assist the flow of dark on it's long  
journey to the ocean.  When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same  
direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to impede the  
flow of dark; but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they  
paddled vigorously to help propel the dark along its way. 
  
Scientists are working feverishly to develop exotic new instrumentation with  
which to measure the actual speed and energy level of dark.  While such  
instrumentation is beyond the capabilities of the average layman, you can  
actually perform a simple test to demonstrate the unbelievable speed of  
dark, right in your own home.   
 
All that is required for the simple test is a closed desk drawer situated  
in a bright room.  You know from past experience that the tightly shut  
drawer is FULL of dark.  Now, place your hand firmly on the drawer's  
handle.  Quickly yank the drawer open.. the dark immediately disappears,  
demonstrating the blinding speed with which the dark travels to the nearest  
darksucker! 
 
The secrets of dark are at present known only to the power companies.  Dark  
must be very valuable, since they go to such lengths to collect it in vast  
quantities.  By some well hidden method, more modern power 'generation'  
facilities have devised methods to hide their collection of dark.  The  
older facilities, however, usually have gargantuan piles of solidified dark  
in huge fenced in areas.  Visitors to these facilities are told the huge  
black piles of material are supplies of coal, but such is not the case. 
 
The power companies have long used code words to hide their activities;   
D.C. is Dark Conspiracy, whole A.C. is Alternate Conspiracy.  The intent of  
the A.C. is not yet known, but the D.C. is rapidly yielding it's secrets to  
the probing eyes and instruments of honest scientists around the world.   
New developments are being announced every day and we promise to keep the  
public informed of these announcements as they occur via this newsletter. 
 
Les Dark, Editor 
******************************************************************************
FUNNY FRENCH PHRASES:  Here is a list of French idioms in use
relatively recently in Paris.  We thought you'd like them.... 
 
FRENCH PHRASE, followed by Literal Translation, followed by 
(English Equivalent):
 
AH LA VACHE!
  Oh, my Cow!  (Good God!)

C'EST LA FIN DES HARICOTS.
  It's the finish of the green beans.  (It's hopeless.)

POSER UN LAPIN.
  To leave a rabbit.  (To stand someone up.)

AVOIR LE GUEULE DE BOIS.  
  To have a wooden face.  (Have a hangover)

FAIRE UN TABAC.  
  Make a tobacco.  (Be the toast of the town.)

FAIRE UN BOEUF.
  Make a beef.  (Improvise [as a jam session.])

METTRE LES VOILES.
  Put on the sails.  (To split.)

SE FAIRE UNE TOILE.
  To make a fabric.  (Go to the movies.)

COMME UN CHEVEAU SUR LA SOUPE.     
  Like a hair in the soup.  (Something out of context.)

FAIRE UN BIDE.
  To make a big belly.  (To fail, flop.)

BOIRE COMME UN TROU.
  Drink like a hole.  (Get smashed.)

PRENDRE LE TAUREAU PAR LES CORNES.       
  Take the bull by the horns.  (To face a problem.)

PRENDRE SON PIED.
  Take his foot.  (It was swell.)

C'EST LE BOUQUET.
  That's the bouquet.  (That's the limit.)

J'EN AI RAS-LE-BOL.
  My bowl is overflowing.  (I can't take it any more.)

LES CAROTTES SONT CUITES.
  The carrots are cooked.  (I've had it!)

FAIRE LE PIED DE GRUE.
  To make like a flamingo stands. (To wait.)

MARCHER A COTE DE SES POMPES.
  To walk next to your shoes.  (To be out of it.)

CHERCHER DES PUCES.
  To look for fleas.  (To bug someone.)

ARRETE TON CHAR.
  Stop your chariot.  (Stop it!!)

SE FENDRE LA PIPE.
  To break the pipe.  (To laugh.)

METTTRE LES PETITS PLATS DANS LES GRANDS.
  Put the little plates in the big ones. (Putting on the dog.)

SE FARCUR.
  To be stuffed.  (To be bored.)

ETRE A LA COLLE.
  To be glued.  (To have a romantic adventure.)

ETRE UN BON COUP.
  To be a good hit.  (To be good in bed.)

CIEL, MON MARI!
  Sky, my husband!  (Caught in the act!)

(Sorry about the lack of accent marks...we're working on that!)
******************************************************************************
|===>>  Is a new MAINFRAME O/S in the works at IBM ?!?!


Mail from YORKTOWN received 11-Dec-79 23:33:43-EST
Date: 11 Dec 1979 2333-EST
From: Watson at YORKTOWN  (T. J. Watson, Jr.)
Subject: new operating system

===  ======   ===      ===
 =    =    =   ===    ===
 =    =====    ====  ====
 =    =    =   ==  ==  ==
===  ======   ===      ===
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Data Processing Division                        Date: January 30, 1979

                        PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT

New Operating System

Because so many users have asked for an operating system of even greater
capability than VM, IBM announces the Virtual Universe Operating System
-
OS/VU.

Running under OS/VU, the individual user appears to have not merely a
machine of his own, but an entire universe of his own, in which he can
set up and take down his own programs, data sets, systems networks,
personnel, and planetary systems.  He need only specify the universe he
desires, and the OS/VU system generation program (IEHGOD) does the rest.
This program will reside in SYS1.GODLIB.  The minimum time for this
function is 6 days of activity and 1 day of review.  In conjunction with
OS/VU, all system utilities have been replaced by one program
(IEHPROPHET) which will reside in SYS1.MESSIAH.  This program has no
parms or control cards as it knows what you want to do when it is
executed.

Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of
sophistication in the data processing field if an efficient utilization
of OS/VU is to be achieved.  Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies,
for instance, can lead to unexpected delays in the execution of a job.
Although IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, The United States, is
working on a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the
overhead of extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must be
careful for the present to stay within the laws of physics.  IBM must
charge an additional fee for violations.  

OS/VU will run on any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended WARP Feature.
Rental is twenty million dollars per cpu/nanosecond.  

Microcode assist will be available for all odd-numbered processors
to allow the use of non-contiguous CPU clock times.  This feature will
be a prerequisite for the implementation of the Rutgers University
virtual date package.

Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems and
hardware to OS/VU as soon as our engineers effect one output that is
(conceptually) error-free.  This will give us a base to develop an even
more powerful operating system, target date 2001, designated "Virtual
Reality".  OS/VR is planned to enable the user to migrate to totally
unreal universes.  To aid the user in identifying the difference between
"Virtual Reality" and "Real Reality", a file containing a linear
arrangement of multisensory total records of successive moments of now
will be established.  Its name will be SYS1.est.


For more information, contact your IBM data processing representative.
******************************************************************************
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting
=============================================================

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

1. Mathematical Methods

1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method

We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert.  After that
we introduce the following logical system:
   Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
   Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a
            lion in the cage.
   Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
              "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
   Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.

1.2 The geometrical inversion method

We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from
inside.  We then performe an inversion with respect to the cage. Then
the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.

1.3 The projective geometry method

Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface.
We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an
interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same
point.

1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method

Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is
then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is
in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to
west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part.
Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process
arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen
partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of
arbitrarily small diameter.

1.5 The set theoretical method

We observe that the desert is a separable space.  It therefore
contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a
sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in
this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.

1.6 The Peano method

In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in
arbitrarily short time.  Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear,
in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to
its own length.

1.7 A topological method

We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus.
We embed the desert in a four dimensional space.  Then it is possible
to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning
to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then
completely helpless.

1.8 The Cauchy method

We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider
the integral

           1    [   f(z)
        ------- I --------- dz
        2 \pi i ] z - \zeta

                C

where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta),
i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].

1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method

We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity),
whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere.  We put this lion somewhere
in the desert.  L_0 then converges toward our cage.  According to the
general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge
toward the same cage.  (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily
close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)

2 Theoretical Physics Methods

2.1 The Dirac method

We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
desert.  Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader.

2.2 The Schroedinger method

At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in
the cage.  Sit and wait.

2.3 The nuclear physics method

Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange
operator [6] on it and a wild lion.

As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and
apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.

2.4 A relativistic method

All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts
of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been
eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl
around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without
danger.

3 Experimental Physics Methods

3.1 The thermodynamics method

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions
pass through. This we drag across the desert.

3.2 The atomic fission method

We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes
radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration
process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.

3.3 The magneto-optical method

We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria)
such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal
component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the
field's foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of
magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows,
a high iron content.  The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions.  Afterwards the
lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the
resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.

[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
    Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
    Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion
    except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications" (1933),
    pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
    (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid
-- 

4 Contributions from Computer Science.

4.1 The search method 

We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to
the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL
problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to
solve the problem.

4.2 The parallel search method.

By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the
north much faster than earlier.

4.3 The Monte-Carlo method.

We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding
neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number
of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability
appear sooner or later.

4.4 The practical approach.

We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is
particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion.

4.5 The common language approach.

If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be
trivial to solve.

4.6 The standard approach.

We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified
a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a
harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for
initial investigastions into this standard development.

4.7 Linear search.

Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert.  Take one step
east.  Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right
hand edge.  If you reach the right hand edge, take one step
southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge.  When you finally
reach the lion, put it the cage.  If the lion should happen to eat you
before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and
try again.

4.8 The Dijkstra approach:

The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara
Desert. Another way of stating the problem is:

        Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts
        Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara
        Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage)

We observe the following invariant:
        
        P1:     C(L) v not(C(L))

where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage.

Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement

        ;cage := {}

Note 0: 
This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking
out any lions that happen to be there initially.
(End of note 0.)

The obvious program structure is then:

        ;cage:={}
        ;do NOT (C(L)) ->
                ;"approach lion under invariance of P1"
                ;if P(L) ->
                        ;"insert lion in cage"
                 [] not P(L) ->
                        ;skip
                ;fi
        ;od

where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach.

Note 1: 
Axiom 2 esnures that the loop terminates.
(End of note 1.)

Exercise 0:
Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1".
(End of exercise 0.)

Note 2: 
The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to
abortion if the value of L is "lioness".
(End of note 2.)

Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you.
(End of remark 0.)

Note 3: 

From observation we can see that the above program leads to the
desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to
run it.
(End of note 3.)  
(End of approach.)
******************************************************************************
                 Important tips for Mideastern Travelers
                *****************************************

Here is a list of useful phrases to know when traveling in Moselem areas:

Akbar khalil-kili haftir loftan.
 "Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun."

Ferkar gabul cardan davat paeah divar.
 "I am delighted to accept you kind invitation to lie down on the floor
  with my arms above my head and legs apart."

Homaet feka tamomen oef goftehr bandw.
 "I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life."

Auto arrarebgh davatma mano sepaheh hastar.
 "It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of
  your Mercedes 280SL."

Fashel eh tupehman degat mano goftar chesshayeh mohema raieah keaver
rachman.
 "If you will do me the great kindness of not harming my genital
  appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in
  public."

Khael mapar maneh sonafi amriiki.
 "I will most gladly tell you the names and addresses of many American
  spies posing as reporters."

Bali, bali, bali.
 "What ever you say."

Matener ghermez allieh sayed ghorban.
 "Why yes, the red blindfold is lovely, excellency."

Tikeh nun baob khreleh bezong valkhrubr boyast ino begeram.
 "The water-soaked bread crumbs are truly delicious.  I must have your
  recipe."

Keef dechmar otageh shoma mikrastam dehed haftar me rodenah teegz.
 "Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than
  spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs."
******************************************************************************
                         Murphy's Military Laws


1.  You are not superman.
 
2.  If it's stupid but works, it isnt stupid.
 
3.  Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire.
 
4.  Never draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
 
5.  When in doubt, empty the magazine.
 
6.  Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are.
 
7.  Never forget your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
 
8.  If the attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
 
9.  No plan survives the first contact intact.
 
10. All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
 
11. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
 
12. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed toward you.
 
13. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys might be low on ammo.
 
14. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
 
15. The importaint things are always simple.
 
16. The simple things are always hard.
 
17. The easy way is always mined.
 
18. If you are short of everything except the enemy, you are in combat.
 
19. When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy.

20. Incomming fire has the right of way.
 
21. No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
 
22. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
 
23. Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
 
24. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
 
25. Friendly fire - Isn't.
 
26. Recoiless rifles - aren't.
27. Suppressive fire - Won't.
 
28. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped
    together.
 
29. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately,
    (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and bad weather, and       
    espcially during both.)
 
30. Anything you do can get you shot including doing nothing.
 
31. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
 
32. Tracers work both ways.
 
33. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire in incomming
    friendly fire.
 
34. Teamwork is essential.  It gives them other people to shoot at.
 
35. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have
    more than your fair share to take.
 
36. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, both are      
    right.

37. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of
    amateurs.
 
38. If it jams, force it, if it breaks, it needed replacing anyways.
 
39. If its indescribable, its edible.
 
40. If it was important during peacetime, its useless now.  If it was
    useless during training, its important now.
 
41. Bullets dont subscribe to the "rank has its privileges" theory.
 
42. Murphy was a grunt.


                        Murphy's Programmers Laws


Brook's Law
    Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Dijkstra's Law of Programming Inertia
    If you don't know what your program is supposed to do, you'd better
    not start writing it.

First Maxim of Computers
    To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Gallois's Revelation
    If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes back out but
    tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very 	  	 
			expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to     	 
			criticize it.

    Corollary- An expert is a person who avoids the
    small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.

Glib's Laws of Reliability

1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Corollary- At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer
you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming
it on the computer.

2. Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable.

3. The only difference between the fools and the criminal who attacks a
   system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.

4. A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than
   simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes    	
		intolerable.

5. Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the
   inherant unreliability of the system in which they are used.

6. The error detection and correction capabilities of a system will     
 		serve as the key to understanding the types of error which they      
		cannot handle.

7. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to      
		detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

8. All real programs contain errors unless proven otherwise, which is
   impossible.

9. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
   cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work
   done.
Golub's Laws of Computerdom

1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of
   estimating the corresponding costs.

2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete   
   than expected; if carefully planned, it will take only twice as long.

3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with   
   time.

4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly
   manifests their lack of progress.

Goodin's Law of Conversions
    The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected
    and out.

Gray's Law of Programming
    N+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time  
    as N trivial tasks.

    Loggs Rebuttal- N+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as N trivial   
    tasks for N sufficiently large.

Grosch's Law
    Computer power increases as the square of the costs.  If you want to
    do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast.

Hoare's Law of Large Programs
    Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.

IBM Pollyanna Principle
    Machines should work.  People should think.

Law of Computability as Applied to Social Science
    Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly
    the right way, will become even more complicated.

Law of Computability as Applied to Social Science
    If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.

Laws of Computer Programming
    1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

    2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

    3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

    4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

    5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.

	  6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its      
       output.

    7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
       programmer who must maintain it.

    8. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English,   
       and you will discover that programmers cannot write in English.

    9. Software is hard.  Hardware is soft.  It is economically more    
       feasible to build a computer than to program it.

   10. An operating system is a feeble attempt to include what was      
       overlooked in the design of a programming language.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology
    There's always one more bug.

Project scheduling "99" rule
    The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time.  The
    last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.

Sattlinger's Law
    It works better if you plug it in.

Segal's Law
    A man with one watch knows what time it is.  A man with two watches
    is never sure.

Shaw's Principle
    Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to
    use it.

Troutman's Programming Postilates
    1. If  a test  installation  functions perfectly,  all subsequent   
       systems will malfunction.

    2. Not until a program has been in production for at least six      
       months will the most harmful error be discovered.

    3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in proper
       order will be.

    4. Interchangeable tapes won't.

    5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an
       ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.

    6. Profanity is the one language all programmers  know best.

The Unspeakable Law
    As soon as you mention something...if it's good, it goes away;
    if it's bad, it happens.

Weinberg's Law
    If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
    the first woodpecker that came along would destroy society as we    
    know it.
******************************************************************************
                            THE RULES
 
1. The female always makes the       8.  The Female can change her
   rules.                                mind at any given point in
                                         time.
2. No male can possibly know all
   the rules.                        9.  The Male must never change
                                         his mind without written
3. The rules are subject to              consent from the Female.
   change at any time without
   notification.                     10. The Female has every right
                                         to be angry or upset at any
4. If the female suspects the            time.
   male knows all the rules, she
   MUST immediately change some      11. The Male must remain calm at
   or all of the rules.                  all times, unless the Female
                                         wants him to be angry or
5. The female is never wrong.            upset.
 
6. If the female is wrong, it is     12. The Female must under no
   because of a flagrant                 circumstances let the Male
   misunderstanding which was a          know whether or not she wants
   direct result of something the        him to be angry or upset.
   male did or said.
                                     13. Any attempt to document these
7. If rule 6 applies, the male           rules could result in bodily
   must apologize immediately for        harm.
   causing the misunderstanding.
                                     14. If the Female has PMS, all
                                         rules are null and void.
******************************************************************************
                        WISCONSIN-ISMS

A handy guide to the English language as spoken in Dairyland.
A careful study of these terms is recommended before
attempting conversation with the native cheese-heads.

AIN'A  (Ayna) - Used in much the same manner as the Canadian
HEY, this term is usually found at the end of a sentence,
such as "We should get us a coupla cold brews, aina?" Closest
literal translation would be "Isn't that so?"

BETATAH (Buh-TAY-tuh)  This is a starchy tuber grown and
eaten in Wisconsin.  Known as a potato outside of the state,
this vegetable is usually eaten with meat.

BRANDY  Distilled wine.  Wisconsin consumes 90% of the brandy
produced in the US.  It's a dirty job, but someone has to do
it.

BRAT  (Braht) Short for Bratwurst, Wisconsin's favorite
sausage.  Brats contain pork, beef, and spices.  Lots of
spices.  A brat-fry is the social equivalent of the New
England Clambake or the Texas Barbecue.  Brats are not fried
at a brat-fry, they are grilled over charcoal, simmered in a
beer-and-onion broth, then served on a bun with mustard,
onion, kraut, and a cold brew.

BREW  (Brew-Ha, Brewski, Brewster)  A bottle, can, or glass
of beer.  Also known as SUDS, BARLEY-POP, BARLEY-SODA, GOLDEN
FOAMY, and MALTED MOTHERS MILK.

BUBBLER  A drinking fountain.  Originally named after the
valve, which caused the water to "bubble up" when turned on.
Ask where the water-fountain is, and the Wisconsinite will
direct you to the nearest bubbler.

CANNIBAL SANDWICH  Raw ground sirloin served on dark rye
bread and covered with thin-sliced raw onion.  Obviously
invented by someone who hated to cook, this is definitely an
acquired taste.

CHEESE-HEAD  Originally coined as a derogatory term by the
flatlanders to the south, the name has been adopted and may
be used freely.

COFFEE-KLUTCH  A friendly gathering at which coffee is drunk,
schnecks consumed, and gossip is spread.

COOLER BY THE LAKE  Meteorological condition where
temperatures are lower in the immediate vicinity of Lake
Michigan (the big pond).  Most uttered phrase during summer
weather reports.

DAIRY AIR  Also known as HEIFER-MIST.  Although some may
think that this natural by-product of the dairy industry
smells like manure, to a dairy-farmer it smells a lot like
money.  Just watch where you're walking.

DEER HUNTING  The Wisconsin version of Marti Gras.  Each
November, thousands of male residents go up north to drink
a brewski and bag a bambi.

FIBS (Fibber)  FIBS is an acronym for Fucking Illinois
Bastards - those people "south of the border" who drive like
wild maniacs (toll-free) all the way to the Dells.

FROZEN CUSTARD  A sinfully rich form of ice-cream made with
real cream, real eggs, and real good!  Not to be confused
with "soft-serve", true frozen custard bypasses the digestive
process and converts directly to body fat.

GEMUTLICHKEIT  Pronounced just like it is spelled.  This
German word means good-natured, genial, or friendly.  The
ability of people to make you feel welcome.

GEORGE WEBB  Bar-time four star restaurant.  Most often
populated from 6:00 A.M. to 11:30 P.M. by police officers.

IMPORTED BEER  This is any variety of brewski that is not
produced in Milwaukee.  When you ask for an imported beer in
a Milwaukee tavern, you'll probably get a Coors.

KETTLE-MORAINE   A geological feature of Southeastern
Wisconsin caused by the melting of the glacier.  A kettle is
a sharp depression, and a moraine is a hill or ridge composed
mostly of mixed loose rocks. It makes for great scenery, but
it's hell on road-builders.

MOO JUICE  (Mooooo Juice)  Simply put, milk.

PASTY  (PASTE-Y) Meat, potatoes, and vegetables wrapped in a
pie crust and baked.  Imported to Wisconsin by Cornish lead
miners.

SCHNECK  Any sweet pastry, roll, or doughnut.  The proper way
to eat a schneck is to dunk (doonk) it in your coffee.
SMELT FRY  In early spring, a small fish known as a SMELT
migrates towards the shore of Lake Michigan during the night
to spawn.  Thousands of Wisconsinites show up at the piers
with huge nets to catch the little buggers.  They are then
taken back to the tavern, beheaded, gutted, fried, and eaten
(washed down with lots of brewski's).  Truly, a right of
spring.

SODA  If you want a carbonated soft drink, ask for a soda.
If you really want soda (plain carbonated water) ask for
seltzer.  If you ask for pop, you'll get that smug grin that
says "not from around here, are you?"

SHEEPSHEAD  This has nothing to do with the Godfather.  It
also has nothing to do with sheep.  It is a card game.  You
have to be born here to understand it.  It is played with
only 30 of the 52 cards.  Yes, sheepshead players are not
playing with a full deck.

STOP'N GO LIGHTS  Traffic signals to you, but isn't that
dull?  After all, one light means stop, the other means go,
so what else would you call them?

UFF-DA  A Norwegian expression which does not translate well.
The closest equivalent would be the Jewish "Oy Vey".

UP NORTH  (pronounced "Up Nort")  Where people go for
vacation, fishing, or hunting.  A very general term, up north
is sometimes reached by traveling East or West.  Anywhere 100
miles or more from where you are, and in a generally northern
direction may be considered "up nort".

UPer  (Yooper) A native of Michigan's upper peninsula (UP).
For these people, up north is Canada.

WINTER  (Also known as a "WISCONSIN WINTER").  This is one of
Wisconsin's two seasons which lasts approximately 9 months.
The other season is the ROAD CONSTRUCTION season, lasting
roughly 3 months.

Ya Der Hey!  One can judge the sobriety of a Wisconsinite by
the way he answers this question:  "Hey Stan, wanna Brewski?"
If the answer is "Ya Der Hey!", then Stan is only on his
first six pack of Blatz.  If he answers "Not now no more,
eh?!" then he could only bowl a 110, and probably would not
pass a blood-alcohol test (even if he studied for it).
******************************************************************************
FEMALE ANALYSIS

Women--Chemical Analysis
Element: Women
Symbol: WO

Discovered by: ADAM

Atomic Weight:
 Average expected as 118, but there are known
isotopes ranging from  90 to 260, with highly
radioactive occurrences at 250 and better (avoid
at all costs).

Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
    (except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE)

Chemical Properties:
1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au),silver(Ag),platinum(Pt),
   and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with
   saturation in ethanol (alcohol).
5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.

Mental Properties:
1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought
   process that the specimen follows.
   a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected
      realizations of test availability dates constantly slip.

Physical Properties:
1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting
   irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted films.
   a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
      fingernail.
   b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick
      applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they
      are bulging out of there heads. Beware this variety as they
      may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what
      you see ain't what you get or lead poisoning.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal
   to common ore.
6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held
   close to (at times causing overheating).

Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
3. Can aid in relaxation.
4. Some versions capable of brightening the day.
5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for what
   ever reason.
   a) Use with CAUTION. Positive and Negative results have been
      obtained for a given stimuli depending on version.
6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE.
7. Making dinner reservations.
8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to
   perform trivial tasks.

Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen.
3. Become coy when confronted with truth.

Caution:
1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite
   of the fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of
   more than one of the male gender, and lie about it.
3. Terrible drivers.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous
   outbursts.
5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag.
6. Affinity for rolling pins.
7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can
   expand on the idea "weaker sex".

Note:
1. Most specimens are worth keeping, even after adverse reactions
   have occured!
******************************************************************************