485 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
485 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
111 SLICK WILLY JOKES (PG-13)
|
|
#####################
|
|
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time there was a governor called Slick Willy. He was very
|
|
slick indeed and had certain ideas on how to win an election. You
|
|
see, one of his heroes had taught him a seemingly infallible method.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Infallible method for winning elections
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
(1) Choose a `minority' (BUT do not define it too clearly).
|
|
(This step won't work with a majority.)
|
|
(2) Portray this minority as `the root of all evil'.
|
|
(Even if you know it isn't, lying is allowed on this step.)
|
|
(3) Then sit back while the `majority' votes you into power.
|
|
(Later you can treat the majority and minority alike.)
|
|
(4) Go to your bunker - Eva is waiting.
|
|
|
|
Of course, we all know who Slick Willy's hero is - the Fuhrer himself
|
|
- Adolf Hitler. Hitler chose as his minority the Jews. Slick Willy
|
|
has chosen the rich. From a historical standpoint, Slick Willy has
|
|
the winning edge here. He has chosen the proven road of the Marxists.
|
|
However, one must forgive Hitler and try to understand his
|
|
flexibility. Germany was left with nothing after WWI. Even Germans
|
|
of Jewish descent had no money. So he couldn't very well target the
|
|
rich now could he. Were he alive today, I'm sure the little guy would
|
|
endorse Slick Willy's procedure. After, all they are both agents of
|
|
change, and admit that character is a non-issue.
|
|
|
|
Hitler efficiently, and with little effort, eradicated 6 million of
|
|
the `minority') and went on to sucessfully lose the war. Slick Willy
|
|
already has his liberal gestapos in the field getting ready for the
|
|
moment he is elected. Just wait for the day some gutless unwashed
|
|
homo with a pink Slick Willy arm band says to you "How dare you have a
|
|
job, a family, and a home. How dare you be happy? What kind of an
|
|
American are you?" Or "Exactly how long HAVE you been selling Kool-Aid
|
|
on this corner little boy? May I see your W2 form?" Slick Willy has
|
|
been up late checking out all of the possible definitions and
|
|
interpretations of the word "RICH" - it means "Just about everybody!".
|
|
|
|
Why The Jokes?
|
|
--------------
|
|
If movies such as "The Producers" by Mel Brooks (featuring the song
|
|
"Springtime for Hitler and Germany") and The Great Dictator (starring
|
|
Charlie Chaplin) had of been shown in the theaters before Hitler's
|
|
rise, there would have been NO HITLER. Put another way, Hitler was a
|
|
funny little jerk until a naive majority empowered him to kill 6
|
|
million of the minority. It is for that reason that I have
|
|
unselfishly given of my valuable time to create the following comedic
|
|
`gems'. If these jokes make you see Slick Willy for the incredible
|
|
buffoon that he is, and thus vote against him, I will feel amply
|
|
rewarded.
|
|
|
|
|
|
********** Here they come, Bon Appetit!!!!! **********
|
|
|
|
|
|
1) It's not common knowledge that Slick Willie tried to get into the
|
|
Army as an 8F - in case of an enemy invasion, he'd be sent overseas!
|
|
|
|
2) Slick Willy is for higher learning. He wants to subsidize
|
|
'training bras'.
|
|
|
|
3) I don't want to say that Willy is Slick, but he convinced Mario
|
|
Cuomo that capital punishment is acceptable ONLY if it's not too
|
|
severe.
|
|
|
|
4) Hillary has always been spouting off at the mouth. Until she was 6
|
|
months old, her parents were diapering the wrong end!
|
|
|
|
5) When Slick Willy was a baby, he bawled all night. Now only the
|
|
spelling has been changed.
|
|
|
|
6) One night, when Slick Willy was in bed with Jennifer Flowers, he
|
|
heard the front door open. Jennifer quickly said "That must be my
|
|
husband, ... go faster .... I'm coming ... I'm coming" Slick Willy
|
|
quickly added "Kiss my ass, I'm going ... I'm going"
|
|
|
|
7) The polls show that Slick Willy might be president. I don't want
|
|
to say it could be a rough economy but I just saw a squirrel bury 4
|
|
acorns and a can of sterno.
|
|
|
|
8) Hillary found Slick Willy in bed with another woman and angrily
|
|
asked "What the hell are you doing?". Slick Willy looked at her with
|
|
disgust, then looked down at his bimbo and said "Didn't I tell you she
|
|
was stupid?"
|
|
|
|
9) Hillary comes home one day to find Slick Willy in bed with a
|
|
midget. Her face becomes contorted (more than it usually is) when she
|
|
screams "You promised you'd never cheat on me again." Slick Willy
|
|
innocently looks up at her and replies "Can't you see I'm trying to
|
|
taper off".
|
|
|
|
10) Hillary confides to Tipper that Slick Willy has cut her down to
|
|
sex two times a month. Tipper says to her "Don't feel too bad, I know
|
|
a girl he cut out completely."
|
|
|
|
11) In sizing up the global economy, Slick Willy said, "There's
|
|
nothing more expensive than a girl who's free for the evening."
|
|
|
|
12) Slick Willy is so politically correct his favorite color is plaid!
|
|
|
|
13) Slick Willy was speaking in front of a group of small business
|
|
owners and says "Remember, we were put on this earth to help OTHERS",
|
|
to which one of the owners replies, "And what were the OTHERS put here
|
|
for?"
|
|
|
|
14) Slick Willy is like an unemployed schoolteacher? No class and no
|
|
priciples!
|
|
|
|
15) In his high school year book, Slick Willy was chosen as the "Boy
|
|
Most Likely To"
|
|
|
|
16) Slick Willy must be with the secret service...he's always
|
|
undercover"
|
|
|
|
17) What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road
|
|
and a dead liberal? There are skid marks in front of the dead
|
|
dog.....
|
|
|
|
18) What did Slick Willy whisper to Jennifer Flowers concerning the
|
|
Martin Luther King holiday? "Shoot four more and we'll take the whole
|
|
week off"
|
|
|
|
19) You know what happened when Slick Willy went swimming in the ocean
|
|
- OIL SLICK!!!
|
|
|
|
20) Why is the democratic party like granola? Cause once you get
|
|
passed all the fruits and the nuts, all you have left is the flakes!
|
|
|
|
21) Slick Willy stopped calling Hillary "the little woman" once she
|
|
started calling him "the big mistake".
|
|
|
|
22) Slick Willy takes Hillary out every night...but she keeps coming
|
|
back.
|
|
|
|
23) Slick Willy is a guy who'd like to do all the things Hillary
|
|
thinks he does.
|
|
|
|
24) Slick Willy's not a 'yes-man'. When Hillary says "no", he says
|
|
"no".
|
|
|
|
25) When Slick Willy married Hillary, he lost his liberty in pursuit
|
|
of happiness.
|
|
|
|
26) They say "It's a priviledge to be able to pay taxes". If Slick
|
|
Willy becomes president, I will have to give up the priviledge.
|
|
|
|
27) I built a business so that my children would someday take it over.
|
|
However, if Slick Willy is elected, the government will certainly
|
|
beat my children to it.
|
|
|
|
28) Slick Willy will finally put poverty within our reach!
|
|
|
|
29) "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today". After all,
|
|
Slick Willy will have a tax on it by then.
|
|
|
|
30) Slick Willy just invented a new drink called the `tax cocktail'.
|
|
After an extramartial partner drinks two of them, she withholds
|
|
nothing...
|
|
|
|
31) Slick Willy plans to lick inflation. According to Jennifer
|
|
Flowers, it's the only thing left for him to lick.
|
|
|
|
32) Slick Willy is the flower of manhood - he's a blooming idiot!
|
|
|
|
33) I wouldn't say that Hillary is rotten, but you get the feeling Eva
|
|
Braun didn't die in that bunker.
|
|
|
|
34) They once caught Slick Willy skinny dipping in the pool - the
|
|
secretarial pool that is....
|
|
|
|
35) If Slick Willy becomes president, `going-out-of-business' stores
|
|
will!
|
|
|
|
36) A very concerned Slick Willy once said to his girl friend's
|
|
obstetrician "Tell me the truth doctor, how long do I have to leave
|
|
town?'
|
|
|
|
37) Slick Willy once got beaten up for kissing the bride. It was
|
|
three years after the ceremony.
|
|
|
|
38) Slick Willy once told Al Bore "I'll sleep with rich or poor girls
|
|
anywhere and anytime". Al asks "What's the difference?" Slick Willy
|
|
says "Well, those that are poor, I help out".
|
|
|
|
39) Slick Willy called an electrician to do some home repairs and
|
|
found out that he charged $85 per hour. Slick Willy said "Eighty-five
|
|
dollars an hour? I never made that much even when I was governor" The
|
|
electrician replied "Neither did I when YOU were governor....!!
|
|
|
|
40) With Mario Cuomo's legislative record on abortion, when he goes to
|
|
confession, he brings his lawyer! (I know. These are supposed to be
|
|
Slick Willy jokes... I'm sorry ... my mind wandered ...)
|
|
|
|
41) If George Bush were to say "Listen, America. Opportunity is
|
|
knocking", Slick Willy would complain about the noise.
|
|
|
|
42) Slick Willy has invented a new antiperspirant - unemployment!!
|
|
|
|
43) When Slick Willy was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I
|
|
don't know, I've never been to Beirut."
|
|
|
|
44) You can always tell when Slick Willy is lying....his lips are
|
|
moving.
|
|
|
|
45) Slick Willy once remarked incredulously "If George Washington
|
|
never told a lie, HOW did he become president?"
|
|
|
|
46) When Slick Willy becomes president, he'll make us all `tap dancers
|
|
in the canoe of life'.
|
|
|
|
47) Teddy's new boat was bright blue
|
|
Had a date with a maiden he knew
|
|
The coroner found
|
|
The poor girl had drowned
|
|
Kissing Ted in his leaky canoe!! (oops,my mind wandered again!)
|
|
|
|
48) Unhappy at the state of little Slick Willy's room, his mother came
|
|
up with a new rule: Every time she picked something up, he would have
|
|
to pay her a dime. At the end of the first week she added up the
|
|
chores and asked Slick Willy for ninety cents. He paid her and said
|
|
"Thanks Ma .... Keep up the good work...."
|
|
|
|
49) Slick Willy promises UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICES WITH VALET PARKING.
|
|
|
|
50) Don't let anybody kid you. Slick Willy's been in love with the
|
|
same woman for years. But if Hillary ever finds out, she'll kill
|
|
him...
|
|
|
|
51) Slick Willy always has said "It is better to have loved and
|
|
lost.... much better......"
|
|
|
|
52) Slick Willy and Hillary were `riding the hobbyhorse' one night and
|
|
both noticed there was a lack of mutual enthusiasm. After a while
|
|
Slick Willy said "What's the matter Hillary ... can't you think of
|
|
anybody either?"
|
|
|
|
53) A family in Slick Willy's Arkansas finally found out why they had
|
|
trouble keeping up with the Joneses - the Joneses were on welfare.
|
|
|
|
54) After Slick Willy becomes president they'll be a lot of things
|
|
your money can't buy - like what your money bought a week ago.
|
|
|
|
55) Slick Willy said to a group of businessmen, "When I was a kid, I
|
|
wanted to be a pirate." They cheered in unison "Congratulations!"
|
|
|
|
56) Slick Willy's got property in Atlantic City. A motel still has
|
|
one of his bags.
|
|
|
|
57) A prostitute met ninety-year-old Slick Willy at a bar. In usual
|
|
form, he asked her if she wanted to have some fun. She said "Oh come
|
|
on, you've had it." He replied "Ok, how much do I owe you?"
|
|
|
|
58) Slick Willy, in defending his foreign policies, says "I know how
|
|
to handle the Arabs". A reporter asks "What would you do with the
|
|
Bedouins?". Slick Willy replies "The Bedouins we oppose .... the
|
|
Goodouins we support."
|
|
|
|
59) Slick Willy wanted Hillary in his arms, but instead, found her on
|
|
his hands.
|
|
|
|
60) The psychiatrist waited until His Royal Slickness was comfortable
|
|
on the couch, then said "Why don't you start at the beginning..."
|
|
Slick Willyy said "OK. In the beginning, I created the heavens and
|
|
the earth....."
|
|
|
|
61) The plane landed. Slick Willy, while walking down the mobile
|
|
steps, looked at the panorama and remarked "I have never seen such
|
|
utter devastation. It's amazing what a hurricane can do." The pilot
|
|
said "Governor, we were in Homestead yesterday, this is Arkansas."
|
|
|
|
62) If Slick Willy becomes president, many people will be willing to
|
|
trade their checks for the withholding.
|
|
|
|
63) If Slick Willy never inhaled, why is Hillary measuring the
|
|
presidential chair for a seat belt.
|
|
|
|
64) You can't call Slick Willy a cheap politician. He cost his state
|
|
a fortune.
|
|
|
|
65) Slick Willie is more than happy to stand on his record. That way,
|
|
nobody can see it.
|
|
|
|
66) Slick Willy is just the man to get the country moving. If he
|
|
wins, I'm moving.
|
|
|
|
67) Slick Willy and Hillary had just consummated their marriage.
|
|
Hillary asked Willy "Was I the first?". He replied "Why does
|
|
everybody ask me that question!"
|
|
|
|
68) A conductor went down the aisle of the train shouting "Change for
|
|
Marietta...Change for Marietta". A very young Slick Willy said "I
|
|
don't know who this Marietta is, but I'll throw in a quarter for her."
|
|
|
|
69) They now have a train that can go 200 miles an hour through
|
|
Arkansas. Considering the results of the Slick Willy governorship,
|
|
that's not a bad way to go through Arkansas.
|
|
|
|
70) Hillary has the look that turns heads ..... and stomachs too ...
|
|
|
|
71) A young black lady found herself in a delicate condition. Going
|
|
to see Slick Willy, the father, she said, "If you don't marry me, I'll
|
|
kill myself." To which his grand slickness replied "That's very nice
|
|
of you."
|
|
|
|
72) Slick Willy's `new covenant' clearly accepts all denominations -
|
|
tens, twenties, fifties, .............
|
|
|
|
73) When Chelsea was born to Hillary and Slick Willy, he asked "What
|
|
makes you think she's going to be a liberal democrat?" Hillary
|
|
replied "Cause like you, she says so many things that sound great and
|
|
mean nothing."
|
|
|
|
74) Many democrats in congress are calling it quits - there's nothing
|
|
left to steal....
|
|
|
|
75) Slick Willy's shades were falling fast
|
|
When for a kiss he asked her
|
|
She must have said "yes" because
|
|
Willy's shades came down much faster
|
|
|
|
76) Success hasn't changed Slick Willy. He's still the same lousy
|
|
womanizing bum he's always been ....
|
|
|
|
77) Did you know that Slick Willy once got a hernia during a
|
|
consciousness- raising session?
|
|
|
|
78) Slick Willy and Al Bore still haven't learned that a "communist"
|
|
is somebody who has nothing and wants to share it with you.
|
|
|
|
79) Slick Willy suddenly started to feel a pain in his groin. After
|
|
examining him, the doctor said, "How often do you make love?" Slick
|
|
Willy says "Three or four times a day with various extramarital
|
|
beauties and maybe twice a week with Hillary." The doctor says
|
|
"You're going to have to slow down. Why don't you start by cutting
|
|
out Hillary." Slick Willy replies "Damn it, I can't do that. If I do,
|
|
I'll have to make her Secretary of State."
|
|
|
|
80) Little known fact: When Slick Willy went on jury duty they found
|
|
him guilty.....
|
|
|
|
81) When Slick Willy was a youngster, he had an inferiority complex -
|
|
that was the last time he was right about anything!
|
|
|
|
82) For every woman that has made a fool out of Slick Willy, there is
|
|
another woman who has made a fool out of Slick Willy.
|
|
|
|
83) There are as many Slick Willys as there are whores to describe
|
|
him.
|
|
|
|
84) If Slick Willy had his life to live over, he shouldn't!
|
|
|
|
85) It's too bad Slick Willy has never had an X-ray. That way even
|
|
his supporters would be able to see through him...
|
|
|
|
86) Have you noticed that Vilhelm Von Slick Willy is always hoarse.
|
|
That's because he tries to prove he is right by being wrong at the top
|
|
of his lungs.
|
|
|
|
87) Slick Willy has promised to make us all upstanding citizens.
|
|
He'll take our furniture too!
|
|
|
|
88) Slick Willy has something in common with Adolf Hitler - they only
|
|
call Dial-A-Prayer to see if they have any messages....
|
|
|
|
89) In this picture we see Slick Willy and Al Bore working together
|
|
for the first time as members of the same tug-of-war team - they're
|
|
the 1st and 2nd jerks from the right.
|
|
|
|
90) Slick Willy has admitted "I'm glad Hillary has joined the feminist
|
|
movement. Now she complains about all men, not just me!
|
|
|
|
91) During a feminist demonstration, one feminazi was screaming "Free
|
|
Women! ... Free Women!" Slick Willy, who happened to be working his
|
|
way through the crowd, asked her quietly "Do you deliver?"
|
|
|
|
92) Slick Willy has been giving George Bush the benefit of his
|
|
inexperience.
|
|
|
|
93) Hillary wasn't born yesterday. Nobody could get that ugly in 24
|
|
hours.
|
|
|
|
94) Slick Willy says to Al Bore, "I can't break Hillary of the habit
|
|
of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What does she do?", Al asks.
|
|
"Waits for me to get home", Slick Willy answers.
|
|
|
|
95) If Slick Willy becomes president, he'll undoubtably hire a
|
|
beautiful secretary and make her the object of a presidential probe."
|
|
|
|
96) Slick Willy loves hi-tech computers. He always has his Wang in
|
|
his hand....
|
|
|
|
97) Slick Willy thinks Catholics are inferior
|
|
Yet, to win, he needs JFK's interior
|
|
"I'll get that vote"
|
|
Slick Willy wrote
|
|
"If I have to sleep with the Mother Superior"
|
|
(and he probably has).
|
|
|
|
98) When Hillary was in college, her mother said to her, "Don't play
|
|
with boys, they're too rough". Hillary replied "Don't worry mother,
|
|
I've found a teflon one."
|
|
|
|
99) As a business man, Slick Willy worries me. He thinks Dun &
|
|
Bradstreet is an intersection!
|
|
|
|
100) Tipper Bore says to Hillary, "Hey, I love your new panties and
|
|
bra". Hillary replies "Yeah, they are nice, Slick Willy got 'em for
|
|
me". Tipper says "Were they a suprise?" Hillary says "They sure
|
|
were...I came home...and there they were, hanging over a chair in the
|
|
bedroom...
|
|
|
|
101) Slick Willy was discussing his healthy sex life with Al Bore, the
|
|
environmental whacko, and Al, after hearing all of the sordid details
|
|
curiously askes Slick Willy, "Do you ever talk to Hillary after sex"
|
|
... Slick Willy says, "No, but I could, I have her office phone
|
|
number..."
|
|
|
|
102) One day Slick Willy was reading the newspaper. Hillary walked
|
|
over and, noticing a picture of Jennifer Flowers, broke into tears.
|
|
Slick Willy broke down and admitted having an affair. However, to
|
|
soften the blow, he showed Hillary the adjoining column which featured
|
|
a picture of Bush's supposed extramarital partner. After looking back
|
|
and forth at the two pictures, she looked at Slick Willy once again
|
|
and said "I like ours better...."
|
|
|
|
103) One day Slick Willy admitted to Al Bore "My wife Hillary is such
|
|
a liar." Al Bore said "What did she do?" Slick Willy said "She told me
|
|
she was with Jennifer Flowers all night last night." Al said "How do
|
|
you know it was a lie?" Slick Willy said "Because I spent last night
|
|
with Jennifer Flowers."
|
|
|
|
104) Slick Willy says to Hillary, "Listen dear, I'm having an
|
|
affair..." To which Hillary replies, "Really?.... Who's catering it?
|
|
....."
|
|
|
|
105) What's the difference between Slick Willy's platform and a messy
|
|
room? ...... You can straighten up a messy room.
|
|
|
|
106) When Slick Willy was recently asked about the new abortion bill,
|
|
he said, "Ah thought Ah paid it!"
|
|
|
|
107) Slick Willy fully supports the feminist movement in America
|
|
because "It gives all them babes something to do in their spare time."
|
|
|
|
108) What does Slick Willy have in common with Seven-Up?...........
|
|
Never had it, never will....
|
|
|
|
109) Al Bore has isolated the cause of sickle-cell anemia? It's from
|
|
the glue on food stamps! Good job, Al....
|
|
|
|
110) Know why Slick Willy has no freckles?.... they slid off ....
|
|
|
|
111) The biggest joke of all - Slick Willy as president. There is
|
|
nothing funnier (except the naive jerks that vote for him). On second
|
|
thought, maybe it's not so funny!?
|
|
|
|
|
|
& MORE ON THE WAY!!!!
|
|
|
|
#####################################################################
|
|
|
|
P.S. If you still think you might vote for Slick Willy, remember:
|
|
|
|
*****************************************************
|
|
* The measure of a man's character is what he *
|
|
* would be if he knew he would never be found out. *
|
|
*****************************************************
|
|
Just keep saying this over and over as you
|
|
reach for the deadly Slick Willy lever.
|
|
|
|
#####################################################################
|
|
|
|
Frank B. Wylde - The Master of Comedy
|
|
|
|
Frank's Funhouse
|
|
Indy's No.1 Comedy BBS
|
|
317-571-3436
|
|
Open 24 Action Packed Hours
|
|
Instant Access!
|
|
|