57 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
57 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
Subject: Jazz flyer humor
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( I got the following third-hand from a BBS. It is a flyer for a jazz band
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called the Either/Orchestra. They do their own arrangements, plus some
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original tunes, by the author of the following letter. )
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April 4, 1986
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Orchestra Park, MD
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Dear Lover of Quality Sounds,
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If I could assemble eleven of the world's finest musicians, lead them
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through a rich and varied repertoire, and present them in the most elegant
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of settings, how much would you pay? Wait -- don't answer yet! What if I
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were to guarantee a total experience, not just a treat for your ears, but a
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synesthetic extravaganza the likes of which may not be duplicated in your
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lifetime, or even the lifetime of your children? Don't name your price --
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there's more! Would my commitment to bring you a virtually total psycho-
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religious epiphany affect your price? Is a two-to-one shot at an out-of-body
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experience, complete with videotape documentation enough? How about the
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power of flight? All-expenses-paid time travel? A cure for pattern baldness?
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If I could offer you all of this, would you pay twenty dollars? Fifty?
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One hundred? One thousand? The entirety of your liquid assets and equity?
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Let me rephrase. What wouldn't you do for an opportunity like this? Forget
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crawling on hands and knees across fields of broken light bulbs. Ignore the
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ugly maw of death and destruction. Dismiss trivial obstacles like time and
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space -- I'm talking about paying the real price!
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Its time for sume frank talk. You know as well as I do the price you'd
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have to pay for such a deal: your immortal soul! Face it -- a package like
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this doesn't come cheap, and there's only one huckster packing it in his
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travelling case! I needn't mention his name, and I needn't remind you where
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you'd be showing that out-of-body video for all eternity. The flames, the
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flames are leaping higher!
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Luckily for you, I can't make any such offer.
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But, what if I were to assemble eleven mediocre musicians, led them
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through a random assortment of half-baked musical casseroles, and present
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them in a slightly cleaner-than-average saloon? What would you pay then?
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Five dollars? Six dollars? Eight-fifty, seven-fifty in advance? Well, for
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a limited time only, I'm prepared to offer you all of this -- the men, the
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music, the cash bar -- for only three dollars! This is not a typographical
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error -- it's absolutely the bottom line!
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Remember, I can't guarantee anything -- I don't know if Bill Walton will
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show up on Bill Walton Night any more than you do; I don't know if you'll be
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moved an inch by the ostemsible "entertainment"; I don't know if half the
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musicians will remember their instruments -- hell, I don't even know what
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"Either/Orchestra" means! But what is life without risks? Without
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spontaneity? Without the flush of danger? And what else costs only three
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lousy clams in this day and age?
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I appeal to you to think on this offer... think, decide, and act! You
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might not regret it.
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