1703 lines
79 KiB
Plaintext
1703 lines
79 KiB
Plaintext
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
|
|
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
|
|
Subject: Flying Jokes Collection - 1st of 3
|
|
Date: 16 Apr 92 15:05:03 GMT
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well, here is the collection of flying jokes that I assembled for
|
|
my April 1st flying club meeting.
|
|
Thanks go to all who responded to my pleas!
|
|
I did not create any of them and therefore take no credit or
|
|
accept any blame!
|
|
|
|
This is the first of 3 postings.
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
Glenn Wesley PP-ASEL
|
|
att!alux5!glennw 220 hrs and climbing...
|
|
AT&T Bell Laboratories Lehigh Valley Flying Club
|
|
Allentown, PA Warrior 30LV, Charger 40LV, Archer 47480
|
|
|
|
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
|
================================================================
|
|
What's the difference between God and pilots?
|
|
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting
|
|
to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a
|
|
nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing--collapses
|
|
the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and
|
|
walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another
|
|
blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
|
|
|
|
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to
|
|
St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?"
|
|
"Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but
|
|
she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when
|
|
his wife said:
|
|
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told
|
|
you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight
|
|
trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing
|
|
next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied,
|
|
"I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride
|
|
right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing
|
|
this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As
|
|
they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector
|
|
brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his
|
|
finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which
|
|
the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would
|
|
bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student
|
|
greased in all of his landings.
|
|
|
|
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so
|
|
much trouble during the day?"
|
|
|
|
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you
|
|
stiffen up, then I just pull back."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando
|
|
valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was
|
|
a controller with a similar problem.
|
|
|
|
He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a
|
|
private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period
|
|
of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't
|
|
quite what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired
|
|
as to where he was being sent.
|
|
|
|
There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30
|
|
seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:
|
|
|
|
"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
|
|
|
|
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
|
|
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
|
|
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
|
|
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
|
|
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
|
|
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
|
|
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
|
|
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
|
|
9. I only need glasses for reading.
|
|
10. I broke out right at minimums.
|
|
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
|
|
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
|
|
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
|
|
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
|
|
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
|
|
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
|
|
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
|
|
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
|
|
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
|
|
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
|
|
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
|
|
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
|
|
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
|
|
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
|
|
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
|
|
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
|
|
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
|
|
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
|
|
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
|
|
30. I've got the field in sight.
|
|
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
|
|
32. Of course I know where we are.
|
|
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
EXCERPT FROM RECENT FAA ACCIDENT REPORT
|
|
EYEWITNESS STATEMENT
|
|
|
|
AIRCRAFT: CESSNA 172
|
|
PILOT: 30 YRS OLD, CFI, IR
|
|
FATALITIES: None
|
|
DAMAGE: Substantial
|
|
DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10 1982
|
|
|
|
WITNESS: Line attendant at *** airport
|
|
|
|
Pilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 Jul 1982. Line boy reports padlock
|
|
on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a 10#
|
|
ball-peen hammer.
|
|
|
|
Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrap pigeon droppings off wind-
|
|
screen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers--pilot finally
|
|
got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn't get the oil
|
|
dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked.
|
|
|
|
Engine started okay--ran rough for about 1/2 minute. Then died. Then
|
|
battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter
|
|
was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the
|
|
smoke away.
|
|
|
|
Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an
|
|
appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't far. Taxied about 1/2
|
|
way out to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the
|
|
fuel pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it
|
|
again. This time, he was almost out to the runway when it quit again.
|
|
Put a little rock under nose wheel; hand propped it; and was seen still
|
|
trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally
|
|
got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop before the cement plant.
|
|
|
|
When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line
|
|
boy hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the take-
|
|
off, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked
|
|
fairly normal--nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield
|
|
nose came down. Engine coughed twice--then cut power and applied the
|
|
brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out
|
|
on the runway and released probably a million little white pages with
|
|
diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow storm.
|
|
|
|
After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took
|
|
off in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he
|
|
horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them
|
|
jet fighter planes--to about 300 ft--then the engine quit!
|
|
|
|
Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport--kinda like that Art
|
|
School guy-- and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she started roaring
|
|
again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps
|
|
down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman!
|
|
|
|
The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming
|
|
right through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up--went
|
|
through the TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things--over
|
|
the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars
|
|
in the lot--a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown's new El Dorado.
|
|
|
|
When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her
|
|
flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down--once on the
|
|
overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He
|
|
taxied into the ramp--shut her down--and ordered 3 more gallons of gas.
|
|
Said it was for safety's sake.
|
|
|
|
Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and
|
|
tell him he was going to be a little bit late.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.
|
|
|
|
Instructor: Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your
|
|
lights, what are you going to do?"
|
|
|
|
Student pulls out a flashlight.
|
|
|
|
Student: "I get out my flashlight."
|
|
|
|
Instructor grabs flashlight.
|
|
|
|
Instructor: "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?"
|
|
|
|
Student pulls out another flashlight.
|
|
|
|
Student: "I get out my other flashlight."
|
|
|
|
Instructor grabs next flashlight.
|
|
|
|
Instructor: "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?"
|
|
|
|
Student pulls out yet a third flashlight.
|
|
|
|
Student: "I use this flashlight."
|
|
|
|
Instructor grabs this one too.
|
|
|
|
Instructor: "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"
|
|
|
|
Student: "I use this glow stick."
|
|
|
|
Instructor: "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"
|
|
================================================================
|
|
"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short
|
|
notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always
|
|
looking at their watch."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991
|
|
(The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the
|
|
foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from
|
|
one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall...)
|
|
---
|
|
|
|
Perils of Road Testing No. 23
|
|
|
|
Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed
|
|
road kill ever recorded during _Motorcyclist_ testing. In fact, due to the
|
|
size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was
|
|
required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the
|
|
National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records. We quote the official
|
|
FAA report.
|
|
"During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist's_ desert test complex,
|
|
staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst
|
|
quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual
|
|
Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead,
|
|
eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a
|
|
particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its
|
|
take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power
|
|
climb-out when Holst (traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a
|
|
collision was imminent. Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the
|
|
right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the
|
|
bird's flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily
|
|
immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later
|
|
examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy-
|
|
absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.
|
|
"Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing
|
|
power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of substantial
|
|
height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There
|
|
was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not
|
|
filed a flight plan.
|
|
"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long Island: Local fellow
|
|
working his way up had padded his logbook with extra twin time. For a
|
|
couple of these "flights" he'd used the tail number of a twin he'd seenn
|
|
passing through his airport -- it looked like it was from far away, and
|
|
headed back there. The checkride was at a bigger airport nearby. After
|
|
the ride the examiner was looking at the logbook and checking the
|
|
totals.
|
|
|
|
"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.
|
|
|
|
"Sure is," says the candidate.
|
|
|
|
"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?"
|
|
asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where
|
|
it was parked, just down the line.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
If God had meant man to fly, he would have given him more money.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Commandments of Helicopter Flying.
|
|
|
|
1. He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to
|
|
concern him.
|
|
|
|
2. Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine
|
|
Translational Lift.
|
|
|
|
3. Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground,
|
|
for vast is the area of destruction.
|
|
|
|
4. Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for
|
|
without them he shall surely perish.
|
|
|
|
5. Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred
|
|
feet lest the earth rise and smite thee.
|
|
|
|
6. Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou
|
|
dash thy foot against a stone.
|
|
|
|
7. Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad
|
|
is the way to destruction.
|
|
|
|
8. He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind
|
|
him shall surely make restitution.
|
|
|
|
9. He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth
|
|
his childrens children.
|
|
|
|
10. Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):
|
|
|
|
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an
|
|
Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce
|
|
"Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that
|
|
rough landing provided today by our first officer".
|
|
|
|
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it,
|
|
the Captain did an even worse one.
|
|
The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing
|
|
"Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that
|
|
rough landing provided today by our Captain".
|
|
|
|
The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say
|
|
that for?".
|
|
The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back?
|
|
I owed it to you!".
|
|
|
|
"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
|
|
|
|
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
"The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:"
|
|
|
|
|
|
1. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
|
|
|
|
2. Join our frequent near-miss program.
|
|
|
|
3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
|
|
|
|
4. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
|
|
|
|
5. Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
|
|
|
|
6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
|
|
|
|
7. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
|
|
|
|
8. You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!
|
|
|
|
9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
|
|
|
|
10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!
|
|
|
|
11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
|
|
|
|
12. Bring a bathing suit.
|
|
|
|
13. So that's what these buttons do!
|
|
|
|
14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
|
|
|
|
15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Did you hear about the duck who flew upside down? He quacked up.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
An FAA Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.
|
|
|
|
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
|
|
|
|
And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...
|
|
|
|
(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
|
|
|
|
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.
|
|
If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway
|
|
101 back to the airport.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Here is a joke that I read in a cartoon in Air Force magazine a while back.
|
|
I can only paraphrase and the animation is helpful too, but:
|
|
|
|
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit
|
|
cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the
|
|
jet into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower
|
|
as follows, "Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded
|
|
"Uh, up, sir."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Allentown. It's totally
|
|
fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical
|
|
fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the
|
|
radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly
|
|
he finds himself flying next to a tall office building.
|
|
|
|
He rolls down the window (this particular plane happens to have roll-down
|
|
windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"
|
|
|
|
The person responds "In an airplane!"
|
|
|
|
The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect
|
|
landing at ABE.
|
|
|
|
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot,
|
|
"I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how
|
|
the response you got was any use."
|
|
|
|
"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate
|
|
and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the PP&L
|
|
building."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Big Iron engine and airplane company announced the first flight of the new
|
|
Razzle 200 airliner. Chief test pilot Frank Lee Candid emerged from the
|
|
cockpit shaken, dripping with sweat. He tried to muster a smile for the
|
|
cameras and blurted out, "Damn, I'm happy to be alive."
|
|
|
|
Regaining his composure, he said the airplane flew "well, and the test was
|
|
nearly according to plan." The only deviations from expected flight test
|
|
results were a few cases of high speed flutter and one brief but violent
|
|
control hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll seen on
|
|
short final. Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap roll
|
|
showed the inherent strength of the Razzle 200 airframe, holding together
|
|
despite the 30% corkscrew twist of the empennage.
|
|
|
|
Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly," Candid said. The sole
|
|
problem was in a landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear
|
|
retraction during what was supposed to be a simple high speed taxi run.
|
|
When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad
|
|
for the opportunity to check out the 200's handling. The approach was
|
|
delayed briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a
|
|
number of times until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately
|
|
with the gear in a generally "down" position.
|
|
|
|
The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its
|
|
parts during the test flight. "That's one rugged engine," Flaque said.
|
|
Candid noted the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks
|
|
were being made to assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and
|
|
not out of a large hole in the tank. Smoke emissions were said to be
|
|
well below Pittsburgh Valley standards.
|
|
|
|
Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a
|
|
problem Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness
|
|
caused by some "harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the
|
|
cockpit. A slight window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of
|
|
his shirt pocket was the only other cockpit environment problem.
|
|
|
|
Candid, apparently thinking about his experiences, was still chuckling
|
|
under his breath, slowly and quietly, when asked whether he had
|
|
considered using the ejection seat, specially installed for the test
|
|
program. he seemed at that moment to remember the ejection handle still
|
|
in his rigidly clenched left hand, a few multicolored wires dangling
|
|
>From the end. Smiling sickly, he held it up for all to see, his hand
|
|
trembling from the muscle tension. "Guess I'm lucky this baby didn't
|
|
fire," he admitted. "We made the parachute, too."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Federal Aviation Agency,
|
|
Washington 25, D.C.
|
|
|
|
Gentlemen:
|
|
|
|
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain
|
|
events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to
|
|
thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license
|
|
and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that
|
|
you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch
|
|
that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite
|
|
nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
|
|
|
|
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I
|
|
soloed. but on the day in question I was not about to let low
|
|
ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me
|
|
>From another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane.
|
|
I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my
|
|
neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two
|
|
hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that
|
|
served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest
|
|
martinis.
|
|
|
|
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little
|
|
concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about
|
|
the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he
|
|
seemed much happier.
|
|
|
|
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had
|
|
stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it
|
|
would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather
|
|
and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But
|
|
when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular
|
|
airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could
|
|
imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent
|
|
line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I
|
|
immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I
|
|
think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't
|
|
have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a
|
|
hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
|
|
|
|
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch.
|
|
Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be
|
|
necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to
|
|
start an airplane. That's rediculous. I never saw sow many dials
|
|
and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know,
|
|
confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I
|
|
forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people
|
|
were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said
|
|
it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local
|
|
superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit.
|
|
They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has
|
|
problems with red tape.
|
|
|
|
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the
|
|
pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The
|
|
tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but
|
|
that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There
|
|
must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a
|
|
lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made
|
|
such a racket htat I just turned off the radio. You'd think that
|
|
those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed
|
|
up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred
|
|
feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was
|
|
straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and
|
|
dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it
|
|
was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch
|
|
the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor
|
|
undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains
|
|
all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and
|
|
we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?
|
|
|
|
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that
|
|
seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the
|
|
windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled
|
|
the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My
|
|
computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while
|
|
but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect
|
|
you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up
|
|
on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to
|
|
look but he just kept staring ahead wigh sort of a glassy look in
|
|
his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all
|
|
non-pilots are. By the way, somethng was wrong with the
|
|
altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.
|
|
|
|
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be
|
|
where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computor.
|
|
I am a whiz at that computor, but something must have gone wrong
|
|
with it since when I came down to look for the airport there
|
|
wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people
|
|
sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a
|
|
ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody
|
|
in this business except yourseelf, right? Why, there were even
|
|
thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I
|
|
dedided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the
|
|
way it semed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was
|
|
asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want
|
|
to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occured because
|
|
the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read
|
|
the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was.
|
|
I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going.
|
|
This business of having two engines is really a safety factor.
|
|
If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all
|
|
airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.
|
|
|
|
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very
|
|
seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower
|
|
and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor
|
|
was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it
|
|
hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to
|
|
navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice
|
|
on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed
|
|
and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot
|
|
safer than driving.
|
|
|
|
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport
|
|
that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we
|
|
were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land
|
|
there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of
|
|
runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing
|
|
in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody
|
|
had told me that you could always talk to these military people
|
|
on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you
|
|
wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought
|
|
to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain,
|
|
as a taxpayer. Evidently there were expecting somebody to come
|
|
in and land because they kept talkig about some god damn stupid
|
|
son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I
|
|
landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow
|
|
needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at
|
|
us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C
|
|
before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was
|
|
real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a
|
|
reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should
|
|
be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I
|
|
think he must have a drinking problem.
|
|
|
|
Well, that's about all I caught a bus back home because
|
|
the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the
|
|
hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still
|
|
not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.
|
|
|
|
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my
|
|
new license airmail, special delivery.
|
|
|
|
Very, truly yours,
|
|
================================================================
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
|
|
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
|
|
Subject: Flying Jokes Collection - 2nd of 3
|
|
Date: 16 Apr 92 15:07:24 GMT
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well, here is the collection of flying jokes that I assembled for
|
|
my April 1st flying club meeting.
|
|
Thanks go to all who responded to my pleas!
|
|
|
|
This is the second of 3 postings.
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
Glenn Wesley PP-ASEL
|
|
att!alux5!glennw 220 hrs and climbing...
|
|
AT&T Bell Laboratories Lehigh Valley Flying Club
|
|
Allentown, PA Warrior 30LV, Charger 40LV, Archer 47480
|
|
|
|
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Two hunters hired a bush pilot to fly them to a remote
|
|
lake in Alaska. As he dropped them off, the pilot said,
|
|
"Now, you can legally shoot one moose apiece, but don't
|
|
do it. We can't possibly get out of here with two moose
|
|
strapped onto the pontoons." The hunters promised, but
|
|
temptation was too great, and they shot two. When the pilot
|
|
returned to pick them up he screamed and hollered, but finally
|
|
they strapped a moose to each pontoon. Went to the downwind end
|
|
of the lake, firewalled it, finally lifted off just at
|
|
the far shore. The plane struggled to climb, but the
|
|
terrain rose faster. They went into the trees. When the
|
|
noise quieted down the pilot said, "I told you SOB's we
|
|
couldn't get out of this lake with two moose aboard!"
|
|
One hunter replied, Well, we got about a half a mile
|
|
farther than we did last year!"
|
|
You can flesh it out with details. regards,
|
|
vince norris, penn state u.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
The Pilot's Prayer
|
|
|
|
|
|
Oh controller, who sits in tower
|
|
Hallowed be thy sector.
|
|
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
|
|
On the ground as they are in the air.
|
|
Give us this day our radar vectors,
|
|
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
|
|
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
|
|
And lead us not into adverse weather,
|
|
But deliver us our clearances.
|
|
|
|
Roger.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
What's the purpose of the propeller?
|
|
|
|
To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and
|
|
watch him sweat!
|
|
================================================================
|
|
1) (Heard on the radio - _really_)
|
|
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
|
|
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have
|
|
the airfield in sight?!?!!"
|
|
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
|
|
the fuel truck is."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
2) On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers
|
|
were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action:
|
|
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been
|
|
informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane.
|
|
Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back
|
|
and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your
|
|
mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of
|
|
the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
3) (This one really happened - the FE was suspended:) On some air carrier
|
|
operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers
|
|
could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to
|
|
have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume;
|
|
more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the
|
|
camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the
|
|
position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever
|
|
he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a
|
|
hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or
|
|
whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the
|
|
controls!!!
|
|
================================================================
|
|
This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He
|
|
managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
|
|
The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes
|
|
asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots
|
|
use the airport over there."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight
|
|
in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130
|
|
reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for
|
|
landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:
|
|
|
|
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three
|
|
miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
|
|
|
|
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
|
|
and thirty knots fur ya."
|
|
|
|
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2
|
|
miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
|
|
|
|
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
|
|
|
|
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile
|
|
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
|
|
|
|
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here
|
|
C-130 is?"
|
|
|
|
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A friend of mine in my unit in Germany used to tell this story on himself
|
|
and I thought it was hilarious. Seems he was flying an Army UH-1H, Huey, one
|
|
day somewhere up around Chicago. As has happened to all of us, probably, at
|
|
one time or another, he just couldn't seem to get his tongue coordinated at
|
|
all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.
|
|
|
|
Center asked him some simple question and his reply went something like
|
|
this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter 15789...uh 15987. We'd like
|
|
to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000 and then practice a shoot
|
|
approach....uh shoot a practice ILS blackcourse, uh, backcourse at Grandview
|
|
Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after finally getting the
|
|
transmission completed, and feeling like a dang fool there was a short period
|
|
of silence over the radio before someone (who he said you could tell was some
|
|
Captain on a commercial airliner in the vicinity) came back with a very short
|
|
comment of "Hire the handicapped". He said that he never felt so stupid in
|
|
his life as he did about then.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?"
|
|
|
|
12345: "No....I am a male hispanic."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Controller sitting next to me is trying to change Mooney 45Q to my freq, but
|
|
gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney may have already switched to my
|
|
freq accidentally, since he's a local pilot who knew it was coming, he asks me
|
|
to check.
|
|
|
|
Me: "Mooney 45Q, on you on this frequency?"
|
|
|
|
45Q: "Negative. But I should be any time now."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area
|
|
airport) I heard:
|
|
|
|
An obvious student in a Cessna 152:
|
|
|
|
AH Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .
|
|
|
|
Jeffco Tower:
|
|
|
|
Your not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore
|
|
to get to the runway!
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Scenario: Crystal clear CAVU moonless night, following the northern
|
|
shore of Lake Ontario back from Hamilton to Toronto. I wanted to get
|
|
fairly high to get the carpet-of-lights effect for my passenger.
|
|
|
|
Me: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at
|
|
3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as
|
|
high as possible.
|
|
|
|
ATC: QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
|
|
|
|
Me: <sputter, gasp!> Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
|
|
|
|
ATC: Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
One of my instructors in FE school told me about this. Apparently the
|
|
loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for
|
|
awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans-
|
|
mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS.
|
|
|
|
|
|
LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this
|
|
seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This
|
|
is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu,
|
|
warp factor ten!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Followed shortly afterward by:
|
|
|
|
ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're
|
|
transmitting on my frequency!"
|
|
================================================================
|
|
This was at SBN (South Bend, Indiana); I was getting ready to
|
|
depart IFR for Oshkosh in a Cessna Cardinal RG.
|
|
|
|
Me: Oshkosh ground, Cessna 1546 Hotel at the ramp, taxi IFR Oshkosh.
|
|
|
|
Ground: Cessna 46 Hotel is cleared to Oshkosh Airport via ...
|
|
[insert complete IFR clearance here]
|
|
|
|
[It seems to vary from one airport to another when and how you pick
|
|
up an IFR clearance. At my home base (Morristown NJ) I'm used to
|
|
saying "Taxi IFR" and getting a taxi clearance along with the
|
|
advisory "clearance on request" (which means that the ground
|
|
controller has asked ATC for my clearance). In any event, it
|
|
is quite a surprise to receive an entire IFR clearance in one
|
|
gulp when you've asked only for a taxi clearance.
|
|
|
|
Fortunately, I was up to it: I had pencil and paper within easy
|
|
reach and started copying frantically.]
|
|
|
|
Me: 46 Hotel cleared to Oshkosh via ... [repeat entire clearance here]
|
|
|
|
Ground: Readback is correct. Twin cessna 46 Hotel, taxi runway xxx...
|
|
^^^^
|
|
The ultimate compliment on radio technique!
|
|
|
|
|
|
So I set out to taxi to the runway.
|
|
|
|
That's when I discovered I had forgotten to untie the tail.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Heard at the Oakland, Ca airport:
|
|
|
|
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy,
|
|
Taxi, Destination Stockton.
|
|
|
|
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
RBL UA /OV RBL- RDD 360030/TM 1950/FLOTP/TP HXB/SK 018 OVC 115/RM SOLID
|
|
UNDERCAST N RDD/UNVFR. "DECIDED I`M TOO YOUNG TO GO OTP THIS" N BND TO SIY
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:
|
|
|
|
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
|
|
|
|
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whose
|
|
name is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his
|
|
shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a mile
|
|
final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.
|
|
|
|
"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud.
|
|
The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work
|
|
if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom
|
|
make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still,
|
|
the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear "if this works, Tom, it'll be a
|
|
miracle!"
|
|
|
|
Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position
|
|
and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in
|
|
one of the great Freudian slips of all time IMHO) is:
|
|
|
|
"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."
|
|
|
|
There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says
|
|
"Tower, I think under the circumstances we better just hold short. I don't
|
|
feel quite that lucky."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight
|
|
in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130
|
|
reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for
|
|
landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:
|
|
|
|
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three
|
|
miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
|
|
|
|
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
|
|
and thirty knots fur ya."
|
|
|
|
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2
|
|
miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
|
|
|
|
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
|
|
|
|
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile
|
|
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
|
|
|
|
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here
|
|
C-130 is?"
|
|
|
|
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
I asked an ex-military friend who used to work in the Key West area,
|
|
about the weakness of our Southern air-defense, and here is what he
|
|
told me:
|
|
|
|
When the military got dragged into the War-On-Drugs, it came under much
|
|
pressure from Washington to find a reliable method to determine which
|
|
aircraft are carrying drugs. As a result, all of the human radar
|
|
operators have been replaced by specially-trained, drug-sniffing dogs.
|
|
Whenever the dog sees a new blip on the radar screen, he sniffs at it,
|
|
and if he detects drugs, he barks, which alerts the supervisor, (a human),
|
|
who sounds the alarm.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
> A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider
|
|
> being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy
|
|
> muffler.
|
|
>
|
|
> Control: You're unreadable, say again.
|
|
>
|
|
> Us: I've turned of the engine, is that better?
|
|
>
|
|
> Control: L..o..n..g pause.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Dead reckoning still has its place. We once had a pilot call in and say "Help,
|
|
I'm hopelessly lost over Gravette, Ark.". We all looked at each other, and
|
|
after a chuckle, the controller for that area asked the pilot "If you are
|
|
hopelessly lost, how do you know you are over Gravette, Ark.?" The pilot said
|
|
"Because I'm circling the water tank and it says Gravette, Ark."!! (The town
|
|
was too small to be on his sectionals).
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A pilot called in and said he was unsure of his position but he had a town in
|
|
sight. Since we didn't have him on radar, the controller told him to descend
|
|
and look for the town's water tower, see what it said on the side, climb back
|
|
up and tell him. Sure enough in about 3 minutes the pilot called back and said
|
|
"Approach, I found the water tower". The controller, looking rather pleased,
|
|
asked "And what did it say on the side?". The pilot replied "It said Seniors,
|
|
1978". Truly happened.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Tower: Hotel-1, cleared to hover taxi, stay clear of Runway 16, Cessna
|
|
in the pattern doing touch and go's.
|
|
Me: Cessna 123, downwind for 16.
|
|
H-1: Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive taxi instructions?
|
|
Tower: Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG WAY, Sir...(brief
|
|
instructions)...and remain clear of 16.
|
|
Me: Cessna 123, turning left base for 16.
|
|
Tower: Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. Cessna 123 fly through
|
|
final, 270 to 16.
|
|
Me: (Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors? No...Huh?) "Cessna 123, uh,
|
|
sorry could you repeat that last?"
|
|
Tower: Cessna 123, fly through your final, right 270 back to 16. (Pregnant pause)
|
|
Tower: ...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause, but shorter this time)
|
|
Me: Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will call final.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
|
|
|
|
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
|
|
|
|
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
|
|
|
|
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
|
|
|
|
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
|
|
|
|
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
|
|
|
|
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to
|
|
where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and
|
|
continues on to the taxiway.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
This is from when my wife was a student pilot returning to HYA from the
|
|
practice area:
|
|
|
|
7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.
|
|
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing.
|
|
7MA: We're a Cessna 182.
|
|
HYA: Negative, say *type* landing.
|
|
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.
|
|
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say **type** landing.
|
|
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Here's another one from the wacky minds of our Military controllers at Namao.
|
|
A bit of Background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field
|
|
just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR
|
|
(Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller at
|
|
first contact. Our flying club is civilian/military, and all our aircraft
|
|
have permanent PPR's.
|
|
|
|
One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk from
|
|
a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers asked
|
|
for the PPR #, and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected the
|
|
aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29. We
|
|
now pick up the audio from this momentous day:
|
|
|
|
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
|
|
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
|
|
<Several more circuits later...>
|
|
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
|
|
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you
|
|
planning on making?"
|
|
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
|
|
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing
|
|
fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
|
|
<LONG delay...>
|
|
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
|
|
<Another LONG delay>
|
|
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern
|
|
and it finally came down to this;
|
|
|
|
TOWER - 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
|
|
|
|
95D - 675, sir
|
|
|
|
TOWER - 95 Delta, Say Again
|
|
|
|
95D - I think it is 675.
|
|
|
|
TOWER - 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
|
|
|
|
95D - I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by
|
|
for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
|
|
|
|
TOWER - 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON
|
|
THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
People unclear on the concept dept.
|
|
|
|
Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine
|
|
plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport, both
|
|
people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the
|
|
wreckage & said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock & was trying to make
|
|
Burbank airport.
|
|
|
|
Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue
|
|
said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board".
|
|
================================================================
|
|
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross
|
|
traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle
|
|
of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
|
|
|
|
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
|
|
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
|
|
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
|
|
(think-think-think)
|
|
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
|
|
Inst: "That's a good idea."
|
|
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
|
|
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
|
|
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
|
|
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
|
|
(think-think-think)
|
|
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
|
|
Inst: "That's a good idea."
|
|
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
|
|
(long pause)
|
|
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for
|
|
immediate departure.
|
|
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the
|
|
runway, and runs back into the woods.)
|
|
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence,
|
|
departing deer.
|
|
|
|
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
I was transitioning through the Lawrence (LWM) area the other day,
|
|
when I heard a new-sounding student call up, inbound for a landing,
|
|
with his instructor sitting next to him, shouting prompts in the
|
|
background over the engine noise....
|
|
|
|
N23B: (Lawrence tower) UHHH LAWRENCE TOWER (Cessna 5123B) CESSNA 5123B
|
|
(7 miles east) 7 MILES EAST (inbound for landing) INBOUND FOR LANDING
|
|
(with) WITH (.....hotel) HOTEL!
|
|
|
|
Well, the guys in the tower didn't miss a beat!
|
|
|
|
LWM: [Supervisor yelling to the Tower position from background] (Cessna 23B)
|
|
[Tower] CESSNA 23B
|
|
(report a 2 mile right base) REPORT A TWO MILE RIGHT BASE
|
|
(runway 32) RUNWAY 32
|
|
|
|
N23B: [instructor, now on the mike] YEAH, HAW, HAW, HAW, VERY FUNNY,
|
|
REPORT A 2 MILE RIGHT BASE FOR 32, CESSNA 23B
|
|
================================================================
|
|
I heard this exchange when flying to Lancaster, PA yesterday:
|
|
|
|
LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."
|
|
|
|
Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative DME."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Heard in the Bay Area yesterday:
|
|
|
|
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
|
|
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
|
|
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been
|
|
run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
|
|
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Direct from the ABS convention at IWS (West Houston, TX): On arrival day for
|
|
the ABS convention, an FAA Flight Check aircraft showed up to flight check
|
|
the instrument approaches at IWS. Was interesting to watch them try to do
|
|
this with lots of traffic in the pattern. Also, the tower was a temporary
|
|
VFR facility which was having major problems since the notam about the
|
|
temporary tower had the wrong frequency listed.
|
|
|
|
FL 98: Good morning West Houston Tower. Flight check 98 with you and
|
|
we are inbound on the RNAV 33 approach. Will be low approach
|
|
only at MDA.
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: Roger, Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple aircraft
|
|
inbound for 15 and lots of NORDO traffic.
|
|
|
|
[NORDO = ATC does not have radio contact with these aircraft]
|
|
|
|
FL 98: Roger, will break off the approach at MAP.
|
|
|
|
[MAP = Missed Approach Point on the instrument approach procedure being
|
|
used]
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: Roger, break off the approach to the West. What are your
|
|
intentions after the RNAV 33 approach?
|
|
|
|
FL 98: We plan to flight check the RNAV 15 approach.
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: Roger, have fun out there.
|
|
|
|
. . . . as FL98 breaks off the approach
|
|
|
|
FL 98: Flightcheck 98 requesting frequency change.
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: Roger, Flight check 98. Contact departure on 123.8
|
|
|
|
FL 98: 23.8. See you later
|
|
|
|
. . . several minutes later
|
|
|
|
FL 98: West Houston Tower, Flight check 98 back with you on the
|
|
RNAV 15 approach. Low approach only.
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: Roger Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple NORDO
|
|
aircraft in the pattern and 15 is the active at West Houston.
|
|
|
|
FL 98: Roger. By the way, are you aware that the localizer to 15
|
|
is out of service? <side note, there is no LOC 15!>
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: Uhhh - we weren't aware that there was a localizer at this
|
|
airport. Say again.
|
|
|
|
FL 98: Isn't this Southwest?
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: Negative sir. Houston Southwest is 21 miles SE of here.
|
|
|
|
FL 98: Oops, never mind. We're at the wrong airport.
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: No problem. By the way, the LOC at Southwest is to runway 9.
|
|
Say intentions.
|
|
|
|
FL 98: Think we want to start this day over again. We'll complete
|
|
checking the RNAV 15 and be departing the area.
|
|
|
|
IWS Twr: Roger. At the MAP, make a right turn westbound and contact
|
|
departure on 123.8. No one in the TRACON is ever going to
|
|
believe this story.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
This story is TRUE: told by the pilot and confirmed by ATC.
|
|
|
|
Southend ATC: National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft.
|
|
|
|
NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000.
|
|
|
|
NAA676: Southend 676 is passing 2000, climbing
|
|
|
|
Southend ATC: 676 call London 128.6
|
|
|
|
NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way home.
|
|
|
|
(in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR on a
|
|
BE90)
|
|
|
|
NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676, 4 miles
|
|
west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning climbing to
|
|
4000 ft and returning to Southend.
|
|
|
|
London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft ?
|
|
|
|
NAA676: No more than usual !!!!
|
|
================================================================
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
|
|
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
|
|
Subject: Flying Jokes Collection - 3rd of 3
|
|
Date: 16 Apr 92 15:09:03 GMT
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well, here is the collection of flying jokes that I assembled for
|
|
my April 1st flying club meeting.
|
|
Thanks go to all who responded to my pleas!
|
|
|
|
This is the last of 3 postings.
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
Glenn Wesley PP-ASEL
|
|
att!alux5!glennw 220 hrs and climbing...
|
|
AT&T Bell Laboratories Lehigh Valley Flying Club
|
|
Allentown, PA Warrior 30LV, Charger 40LV, Archer 47480
|
|
|
|
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
|
About five years ago I worked at an FBO in Atlanta on the line. The Sales
|
|
Dept. would let us ferry a/c whenever they had something we could handle, so
|
|
I ended up ferrying a Saratoga out to Johnson Co. Executive about 20 or so
|
|
miles south of Kansas City.
|
|
|
|
The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me over to Kansas City Int'l in a
|
|
Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta. Real nice day, about dusk, and
|
|
we were being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land......
|
|
|
|
KC Appch: "Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
|
|
|
|
Us: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
|
|
|
|
KC Appch: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and
|
|
three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
|
|
|
|
Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got
|
|
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle,
|
|
though."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
My favorite ATC story involves an old-timer who would get rather excited
|
|
when it got busy. It seemed as if he would think up zingers at home and use
|
|
'em at some convenient moment. Anyway, he's working USA553 westbound and is
|
|
about to turn him over to Cleveland...
|
|
|
|
Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
|
|
|
|
<pause>
|
|
|
|
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
|
|
|
|
<pause>
|
|
|
|
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!
|
|
|
|
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name
|
|
you'd get a better response!
|
|
================================================================
|
|
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
|
|
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
|
|
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
|
|
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
|
|
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
|
|
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week:
|
|
|
|
(Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information hotel is current and
|
|
mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)
|
|
|
|
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
|
|
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't
|
|
have a hotel room yet.
|
|
|
|
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several
|
|
calls went like this:
|
|
|
|
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
|
|
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
"This is McCarren International departure information Delta. 2100
|
|
zulu, [weather, approach information, notams, etc., etc.] Arriving
|
|
aircraft contact approach at 118... [silence] You lousy machine,
|
|
why do you always do this to me?"
|
|
================================================================
|
|
>Q: How many Northwest pilots does it take to fly a DC-9?
|
|
>A: Two, and a fifth
|
|
|
|
Hmm. Sounds like an offshoot of Exxon tanker jokes to me.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
How do you send a 2 dimensional man to New York? By Plane.
|
|
What side of the plane should he sit on?
|
|
================================================================
|
|
What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?
|
|
American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Top Ten New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines (From David Letterman)
|
|
10. We're Amtrak with WIngs
|
|
9. Join Our Frequent Near-Miss Program
|
|
8. Ask About Out-of-Court Settlements
|
|
7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'Em Off!
|
|
6. Complimentary Champagne in Free-Fall
|
|
5. Enjoy the In-Flight Movie on the Plane Next to You
|
|
4. The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides
|
|
3. Terrorists Are Afraid to Fly with Us
|
|
2. Our Pilots Are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose
|
|
1. We Might Be Landing on Your Street!
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber
|
|
and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk
|
|
fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft
|
|
with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interes-
|
|
ting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like.
|
|
The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you
|
|
guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate.
|
|
"Watch," he tells them.
|
|
|
|
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says,
|
|
"There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots
|
|
say, "What are talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll,
|
|
got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
NW is working with Boeing to develop a/c specific to their needs.
|
|
|
|
Their first one will be the 7&7......
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Heard last weekend at Palo Alto while I was inbound from Leslie Salt:
|
|
|
|
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from
|
|
the left 45."
|
|
|
|
Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna."
|
|
|
|
Pause...
|
|
|
|
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um,
|
|
inverted Cherokee just abeam the numbers." :)
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
|
|
|
|
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
|
|
Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
|
|
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side
|
|
of the runway near the windsock.
|
|
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead
|
|
seagull on the right side of the runway.
|
|
Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
|
|
|
|
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:
|
|
|
|
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard
|
|
trying to eat the seagull on the runway.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Extracted from the UK CAA GASIL (general aviation safety info leaflet) Dec
|
|
1991.
|
|
|
|
Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
|
|
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff"
|
|
Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and
|
|
pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind) "Please pass wind"
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead,
|
|
identify yourself"
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
|
|
AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
|
|
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and
|
|
that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
|
|
================================================================
|
|
I went out to do some touch and goes today, and the ATIS ended
|
|
with a slight twist......
|
|
|
|
"...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of
|
|
destination and altitude and you play golf."
|
|
|
|
Coincedentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting
|
|
ready to go. The exchange was;
|
|
|
|
"Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about
|
|
a 14 handicap, request tee time for the pattern."
|
|
|
|
[delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......]
|
|
|
|
"Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for
|
|
takeoff, he's a scratch golfer."
|
|
|
|
Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline,
|
|
and his supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
At the end of a long, bumpy ride from upstate New York to Charleston,
|
|
WV several weeks ago, I heard CRW approach talking to someone:
|
|
|
|
CRW - "By the way, N12345, I'd like to personally commend and
|
|
thank you for that outstanding effort in restoring
|
|
functionality to your transponder..." (background
|
|
guffaws from several controller co-workers)
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Several years ago I heard a pilot check in with approach control
|
|
with the following (names changed because I don't remember them):
|
|
|
|
[said with an exaggerated Southern drawl]
|
|
|
|
Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with you at seven thousand,
|
|
with Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
I heard this exchange between Baltimore Approach and a C-172 about 3pm
|
|
on March 1st. I missed the first part of the exchange, but the part I
|
|
did hear follows. The tail number has been changed to protect the
|
|
guilty...
|
|
|
|
Balto: N12345, Type of aircraft?
|
|
|
|
N12345: Cessna 172
|
|
|
|
Balto: N12345, sqwalk 54xx, cleared to enter the TCA.
|
|
|
|
N12345: I don't really want to go through the TCA, I'm going north.
|
|
I just want flight following.
|
|
|
|
Balto: Ok, N12345, resume own navigation.
|
|
|
|
N12345: What?
|
|
|
|
Balto: N12345, resume own navigation.
|
|
|
|
N12345: I don't understand.
|
|
|
|
Balto: (very slowly) R e s u m e o w n n a v i g a t i o n.
|
|
|
|
N12345: What does that mean?
|
|
|
|
Balto: It means you do the navigating.
|
|
|
|
N12345: Oh. Ok.
|
|
|
|
Balto: N12345, are you aware you're approaching R-4001?
|
|
|
|
N12345: Uh, no. That's why I want flight following.
|
|
|
|
Balto: Oh. Which way do you want to go around it?
|
|
|
|
N12345: Which way can I go?
|
|
|
|
Balto: West or east.
|
|
|
|
N12345: I'll go west.
|
|
|
|
Balto: N12345, I suggest you find I-95 and stay west of it. Ok?
|
|
|
|
N12345: Uh, ok...west of I-95. Thanks.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous
|
|
Chinese pilot, Wan Wing Lo.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF IFR FLYING:
|
|
|
|
Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis
|
|
on safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic
|
|
control tower has reached new peaks of electronic perfection to
|
|
assist the pilot during take-offs , flight , and landings. For
|
|
whimsical contrast to these and other marvels of scientific
|
|
flight engineering , it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots of
|
|
the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of
|
|
Flight , just in case something goes wrong with any of these new-
|
|
fangled flying instruments you find in today's aircraft.
|
|
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always
|
|
remains upright , he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and
|
|
ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine
|
|
if a wing is low and , if so , which one.
|
|
The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing.
|
|
Because any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument
|
|
conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the
|
|
plane and follow her to the ground.
|
|
|
|
There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but
|
|
by rigidly adhering to the following check list , a degree of
|
|
success will be achieved.
|
|
|
|
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up
|
|
at all, at any time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce
|
|
dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
|
|
|
|
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all
|
|
their time washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself
|
|
usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or
|
|
flat) spin. You can see this is very unsanitary.
|
|
|
|
3. Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an
|
|
old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose
|
|
an you do and will therefore be more dependable.
|
|
|
|
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that
|
|
you are using the cat to stay upright - or straight and level-
|
|
she will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better on
|
|
instruments than you are.
|
|
|
|
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks
|
|
sometimes will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very
|
|
short-sighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out
|
|
and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This
|
|
maneuver is quite difficult to follow in an airplane.
|
|
|
|
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break
|
|
out and find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in
|
|
Iowa. Also, the farmers there suffer from temporary insanity
|
|
when chasing crows off their corn fields and will shoot anything
|
|
that flies.
|
|
|
|
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks
|
|
with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are
|
|
very competent instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the
|
|
same direction you do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee
|
|
Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the goose.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
"TOULOUSE,
|
|
French aviation authorities here admitted to a near-disaster which occured
|
|
about a month ago aboard an Airbus A320 jetliner. The controversial aircraft
|
|
with its 'fly-by-wire' flight controls has been the subject of intense
|
|
controversy since its introduction. The manufacturer, a consortium of
|
|
European interests, has steadfastly maintained the aircraft's inherent safety
|
|
over other aircraft, largely as a result of the computerized controls which
|
|
limit inputs from the pilots to ensure they are always compatible with
|
|
the current aerodynamic state of the plane. Pilots and other pundits have
|
|
argued that these same safeguards can severely limit the crew's options
|
|
in emergency conditions. Additionally, they argue that the increased
|
|
faith placed in the on-board computers leads to crew complacency and
|
|
inattentiveness.
|
|
|
|
"The incident in question took place while the aircraft, a British Airways
|
|
plane, was at cruise between New York and Fairbanks. The co-pilot was
|
|
apparently entering new navigational data into the craft's INS (Inertial
|
|
Navigation System) when he misstyped a code. The INS came back with
|
|
'Invalid PIN number selected' and returned the craft's weight and balance
|
|
data to the astonished crew. 'We tried several more times," exclaimed
|
|
Reginald Dwight, the Captain, 'and every time it was the same thing. On
|
|
the third try it said "Access violation, contact your credit institution if
|
|
you believe there is an error." At that point all the plane's controls
|
|
froze and it refused to respond to our commands. We didn't know what to
|
|
do, so we got on the radio."
|
|
|
|
:British Airway's mechanics were equally dumbfounded and decided to call
|
|
French mechanics. France's Aerospatial is the prime contractor for the
|
|
aircraft. 'The French were totally rude to us,' stated an unnamed
|
|
BA mechanic. 'They stated the problem was our fault and that "the pasty
|
|
little Englishman probably had too many meat pies and Guiness".' 'It wasn't
|
|
until we told them that Jerry Lewis was aboard the flight that they became
|
|
concerned.'
|
|
|
|
"French mechanics traced the problem to the ATM-6000 INS computer, which was
|
|
a modified version of a computer used in the United States for bank
|
|
transactions. 'Essentially, the INS decided that the co-pilot was trying
|
|
to rip-off someone and locked the controls.' French authorities then assured
|
|
the English crew that the system would automatically remove the restrictions
|
|
at the start of the next banking day. 'We told them that we would be in the
|
|
sea by then!' exclaimed the frustrated copilot, Nigel Whitworth.
|
|
|
|
"A French team, headed by Bertrand Swatboutie, determined that manual control
|
|
of the plane could be re-established if a crewmember went back to the
|
|
tailcone and operated the elevators manually. The rudder is linked by
|
|
backup cables to the cockpit and with the crewmember operating the
|
|
elevator they determined they would have enough control. 'There is nothing
|
|
wrong with ze plane,' exclaimed Swatboutie, 'that a little pinch in the
|
|
rear will not cure. Just like a woman. If these English souffres knew
|
|
anything about women, they would never have had to call us in the first
|
|
place.'
|
|
|
|
"The plane was able to safely land at Denver's Stapelton airport, where the
|
|
craft was repaired and all crewmember's credit histories reviewed."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
The Northrop Corporation has taken legal action to prevent a
|
|
Texas company from marketing a new product Northrop says
|
|
might be confused with its B-2 Stealth bomber.
|
|
|
|
The product: Stealth Condoms.
|
|
|
|
The slogan? They'll never see you coming.
|
|
|
|
Stealth condoms come in packages shaped like the bomber.
|
|
They are $5 for a package of three; one red, one white,
|
|
one blue. Also there's the matter of [the owner's]
|
|
voice mail message, "Howdy, this is John. Me and the
|
|
rest of the Stealth test pilots are out right now . . ."
|
|
|
|
[The owner] says he will fight to keep his company and name.
|
|
He feels he's got the better product: "We offer a heck of a lot
|
|
more protection than the Stealth bomber, at a lot less cost."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had
|
|
been married years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire
|
|
deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob
|
|
would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
|
|
|
|
The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so
|
|
he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at
|
|
least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue
|
|
and Bob started an argument. The Pilot, between flights, overheard,
|
|
listened to their problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you
|
|
guys up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if one
|
|
of you makes one sound, you pay ten dollars."
|
|
|
|
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he
|
|
could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling
|
|
out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he
|
|
admitted defeat and went back the field.
|
|
|
|
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
|
|
|
|
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars
|
|
is ten dollars!"
|
|
================================================================
|
|
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
|
|
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
|
|
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
|
|
|
|
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
|
|
|
|
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over
|
|
that beacon!"
|
|
|
|
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A tower controller at a nameless airport in the southeast had a reputation for screwing up the most routine things...
|
|
|
|
Me: xxxxx ground, Tiger 45210, South ramp, taxi, VFR to Charlotte 5500'.
|
|
|
|
Gnd: Tiger 210 taxi.. wind... upon departure... standby for squawk.
|
|
|
|
[we taxi about 20 feet]
|
|
|
|
Gnd: 210, say altitude.
|
|
|
|
Me: 210 is at 1048', climbing to 5500'
|
|
|
|
Gnd: 210! [starting to sound annoyed] ...uh... [sounding less annoyed] ...roger.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
I was inbound from a nearby airport in a Tomahawk, while at the same time our other Tomahawk was inbound from the practice area. We called up almost at the
|
|
same time the same distance from the airport.
|
|
|
|
Twr: 591, traffic off your left is another Tomahawk.
|
|
591 (me): 591 has the traffic in sight.
|
|
Twr: 436, traffic off your right is another Tomahawk.
|
|
436: 436 has the traffic.
|
|
|
|
[brief pause while the controller figures out that we're the same distance
|
|
>From the airport, going the same speed, on nearly parallel courses.]
|
|
|
|
Twr: You guys just want to fight it out amongst yourselves?
|
|
|
|
591: You go ahead, Sam.
|
|
436: Nah, I got Rodney under the hood; we'll make a wide pattern.
|
|
591: Ok. Tower, 591 will be number 1.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A little story that was told to me by somebody, but I forget who.
|
|
(I hope I didn't get it from the net, but I am reasonably sure I didn't).
|
|
In the middle of the night, over the radio during a quiet period
|
|
|
|
A/C I'm fucking bored!
|
|
|
|
F/S Last A/C transmitting please identify yourself
|
|
|
|
A/C I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost,
|
|
very flustered, inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor
|
|
Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware:
|
|
|
|
SNA: (broadcasts to world) "Sir, I'm all fucked up."
|
|
Whiting TWR: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."
|
|
(short pause)
|
|
IP: "My student said he was fucked up; he didn't say he was stupid."
|
|
================================================================
|
|
*Many* commercial aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach to O'Hare Int'l,
|
|
ATC has inflicted numerous delays, and some planes are already 1-2 hours late.
|
|
The WX is good, it's just that there is a traffic bottleneck somewhere. Pilots,
|
|
passengers, crew are all getting quite frustrated and angry.
|
|
|
|
ATC: "All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes additional delay."
|
|
Unknown A/C: "Ahhh . . . bullshit!"
|
|
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself."
|
|
(silence)
|
|
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself immediately!"
|
|
(silence)
|
|
ATC: "Aircraft using 'bullshit' in last transmission, identify yourself.
|
|
American 411, was that you?"
|
|
American 411: "Approach, American 411: negative on the 'bullshit,' sir."
|
|
NW 202: "Approach, NW 202: negative on the 'bullshit.'"
|
|
Delta 55: "Approach, Delta 55: negative on the 'bullshit.'"
|
|
NW 33: "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative on that 'bullshit.'"
|
|
|
|
. . . and so on, right through the entire pattern.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
I am afraid that I have to blame Alice Dunsmuir for this one. She
|
|
was the occasional secretary and booking agent for Fat Moose. One
|
|
passanger was very worried about getting on an airplane that had a
|
|
bomb on board. The arguement that this was less than a one in a million
|
|
chance really was not working. So Alice suggested that the passanger
|
|
carry a bomb on board, for the chance of getting on an airplane with
|
|
two bombs on board was so small as to be almost never.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the
|
|
following stories about a captain with whom he often flew.
|
|
This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making
|
|
passengers feel at ease.
|
|
|
|
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire
|
|
on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway.
|
|
He was aked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up.
|
|
His announcement:
|
|
|
|
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a
|
|
short delay before our arrival. They've closed the
|
|
airport while they clean up what's left of the last
|
|
airplane that landed there.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence.
|
|
Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings
|
|
were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants
|
|
relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:
|
|
|
|
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some
|
|
of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence.
|
|
In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing
|
|
tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps.
|
|
Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to
|
|
worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much
|
|
as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see,
|
|
we're nowhere near that yet.
|
|
================================================================
|
|
|
|
|
|
|