282 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
282 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
100 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE
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1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
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2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
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3. Twitch a lot.
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4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
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5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
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them.
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6. Become a subgenius.
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7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
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8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
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your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
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9. Speak in tongues.
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10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
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Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
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owns to the ceiling.
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11. Walk and talk backwards.
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12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in
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the middle of your room. Number them.
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13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
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your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
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than meets the eye."
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14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
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Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
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15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
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kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
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art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
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16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
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17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
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18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
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when you are.
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19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
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weeks."
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20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
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masturbate while reading them.
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21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
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pretend nothing happened.
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22. Eat glass.
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23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
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24. Smile. All the time.
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25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
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think the dog ate.
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26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
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27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
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When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
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If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
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reimburse you.
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28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
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grievances.
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29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
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30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
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then look away quickly.
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31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
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32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
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33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
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34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
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him/her of stealing it.
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35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
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36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
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37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
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Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
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three weeks.
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38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
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Refuse to discuss them.
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39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
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40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
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"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
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41. Shave one eyebrow.
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42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
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your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter
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"Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
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43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
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44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
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that you can never find the book that you want.
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45. Always flush the toilet three times.
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46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
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47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
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least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
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assignment for your primitive cultures class.
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48. Give him/her an allowance.
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49. Listen to radio static.
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50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
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as soon as you wake up.
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51. Cry a lot.
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52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
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53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
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baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks
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by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
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54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
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55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
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giggle to yourself.
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56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
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57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
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roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
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58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
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while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.
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Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this
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method to fall asleep every night for a month.
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59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
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60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the
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phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
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61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,
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and go shower too.
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62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
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mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
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63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
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64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
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you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say
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that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
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65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
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66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
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67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
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68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
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69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
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70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
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71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
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72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
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anything, just stare.
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73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
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important but you can't remember who it was.
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74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
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75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
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problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your
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ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust
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your ceiling.
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76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
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77. Skip to the bathroom.
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78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
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for an entire weekend.
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79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
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his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
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80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
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leave.
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81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find
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them.
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82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
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without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes
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than call whoever it was back.
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83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
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your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
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84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God
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Damnit.
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85. Burn incense.
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86. Eat moths.
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87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the
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next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next
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day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
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88. Collect Chia-Pets.
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89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
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90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
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bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
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91. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
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92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
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Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
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dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
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93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
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94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
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95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking,
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replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around.
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Drink it.
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96. Don't ever flush.
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97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
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98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
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them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
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99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
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100. Dress in drag.
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