271 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
271 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)
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(^) (^)
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(^) REAL COMPUTER TEACHERS (^)
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(^) (^)
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(^) by (^)
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(^) (^)
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(^) The Joker (^)
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(^) (^)
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(^) with help from (^)
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(^) (^)
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(^) The Slipped Disk, The DataMaster (^)
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(^) (^)
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(^) and Mark Hamill (^)
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(^) (^)
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(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)(^)
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The computer is entering the homes of people all over this country, and as
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usual, the screwed up educators want to ruin a good thing. They want to
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"Increase computer literacy among the students in public schools by teaching
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BASIC."
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So school systems throught the land went out and bought IBM PCs to teach
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BASIC to kindergarteners, but they forgot one thing, someone to teach the
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children BASIC.
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The educators turned to people who actually enjoy working with computers,
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but those who enjoy computers don't enjoy BASIC. So the educators turn to the
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structured programmer, but even they have their limits.
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With no where else to turn, they turned to their own, the Real Math
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Teachers.
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(All action stops, the dark, forboding voice of THE JOKER permeates...)
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*Real Computer Teachers are not usually Real Computer Teachers, but are Real
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Math Teachers.
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(Voice ends)
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With no choice, our Real Math Teacher went to the local collage, to take the
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course "How to program the IBM PC XT in BASIC, in a structured format".
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Several weeks pass......
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Well, the course is now over, and our Real Math Teacher turned Real Computer
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Teacher, is extremely happy knowing two languages, English and BASIC. So happy
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in fact, that he called up some of his teacher friends saying that he now knows
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two languages, and if they have any problems with either one, he would be glad
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to help.
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Note that the Math Teacher is Male. The Female Math teachers are smart
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enough to know that they are not going to know how to teach this stuff right,
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and therefore don't try to make it appear that they do, for fear that they will
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lose their jobs.
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(Again the action stops, with THE JOKER intervening...)
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*Real Computer Teachers feel qualified to teach computers to anyone, even
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though they took a 6 week summer course in BASIC.
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*Real Female Computer teachers actually don't teach computers, but in fact
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reference all questions given to them that doesn't include the basic using of
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the computer (Turning it on., putting disks in drives) to the Real Male Computer
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Teacher of the school.
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(Away it goes)
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Several weeks pass......
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Well the first day of school has arrived, and children all over the country
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are waking up preparing for the school day ahead of them.
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And our Real Computer Teacher is also preparing for the school day ahead of
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him, reviewing one of his computer books "BASIC for Children, Step-by-Step"
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making sure that he has forgoten nothing about BASIC.
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Also going to through the tiny mind of our Real Computer Teacher is crazy
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rules for BASIC programming meant to confuse the students completely.
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(What do you say?)
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*Real Computer Teachers require the first line in every program you write
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contain a REM.
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*Real Computer Teachers require the numbering of your lines to go by 10s,
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anything else is 'Unacceptable in a BASIC program.'
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(That's what I thought you said...)
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Our Real Computer Teacher has convinced himself that he knows BASIC inside
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out, and that he won't have any problem at all teaching BASIC.
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Several hours pass......
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As our Real Computer teacher enters the computer room that the school has
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set up, horror befalls him. Not one of the computers is an IBM PC XT, they were
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all Apple IIes. He ran down to the administrators telling them of his dilema.
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The students that were supposed to have his computer class were given study
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halls, and our Real Computer Teacher was sent back to the collage for another
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course, "How to program BASIC on an Apple IIe in a structured format"
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(Room Darkens....)
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*Real Computer Teachers don't know how to use any other computer, except the
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one they learned BASIC on, even though both computers use the same language.
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*Real Computer Teachers use BASIC.
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(Room lightens...)
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The school year has come and gone and our Real Computer Teacher still
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believes his own stupid rules, and the students still don't know anything
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about a computer except how to turn one on.
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Several weeks pass......
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Our Real Computer Teacher, after many sleepless nights of debate, has
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decided to buy a home computer.
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So he went to the local library to do some research. The first thing to do
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was to find a Consumers 1983 Buying Guide. (Note that the year IS 1985)
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He feels that computers, like wine, get better with time. After more
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sleepless night of debate, our Real Computer Teacher decides that the Apple
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Macintosh is the best buy in the home computer market.
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(Real Co. Teacher postulate number 9)
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*Real Computer Teachers seldom own their own computer, and if they do they
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own the most expensive home computer around because they have the mentality,
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'The more expensive the better.'
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(Memorize that..)
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Several weeks pass......
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Well, its school time again, and our Real Computer Teacher, still knows just
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as much about BASIC as he knew before, and another class is stuck with him.
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A whole school year passes.....
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At the end of the year, the students knew just as much about computers as
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when they first walked into the class, the frightening first day of school. On
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this day of days, our Real Computer Teacher, was called down to the
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administrators office. "Yes, what can I do for you?" asked our Real Computer
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Teacher.
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"We want you to learn another computer language." said the administrators.
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"NO!" he screamed, "I have enough trouble with BASIC!!"
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"You must, we said so."
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"But, but....."
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"No buts, you will learn PASCAL!"
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"Whats PASCAL?"
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"Something you will like."
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Several weeks pass......
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Our Unreal Math Teacher, turned Real Computer Teacher, is again taking a
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summer course, but this one is about PASCAL.
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"Look," said our Real Computer Teacher, "the WRITELN statement works just
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like the PRINT in BASIC, so why can't you use the PRINT statement instead of
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WRITELN?"
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Several weeks pass......
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Yet again, for some unknown reason our Real Computer Teacher has graduated
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even though he made ridiculous statement throught the course, like the one
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above. (The teacher must have been a Real Computer Teacher teacher.)
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The rest of the summer goes by...
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And yet again, another first day of school comes, and our Real Computer
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Teacher is reviewing BASIC for Children Step-by-Step, because he has to teach a
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PASCAL 1 class first period.
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The night before he word processed a test on BASIC to see how much his
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students knew about PASCAL.
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All ready for the day, he left to start another year of being a Real Computer
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Teacher.
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Several hours pass......
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Standing at the door of the computer room is the Real Computer Teacher,
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waiting to see his students. After a few minutes of waiting, students
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started to walk in.
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"Good, " he thought,"these kids don't know as much about computers as I do."
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And then he walked in.
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Our Real Computers Teacher's eyes widened, and his jaw dropped.
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Standing before him was a student, carrying a Radio Shack Model 100.
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"Hello, sir. I don't really want to be here, but they made me take this
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course." (A feeling of relief comes upon our Real Computer Teacher.) "I've
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been programming PASCAL since I was 7 years old."
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"Oh, shit."
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"What?"
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"Oh, nothing."
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"So do you have a modem?"
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"Yes I do."
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"So what's your handle?"
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"Why, it's [fill in your computer teachers name here]"
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"Isn't that your real name?"
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"Yes."
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"What boards are you on?"
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"Compuserve, The Source....."
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"Forget I ever asked."
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"Are you one of those HACKERS?"
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"Yeah, why do you want to know?"
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"Hackers are childish, and....."
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"Leave me alone, your such a, such a, such a Real Computer Teacher!"
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(THE JOKER enters, starts rattiling off some more rules...)
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*Real Computer Teachers will never say they typed up this weeks test. They
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will say they "word processed" it.
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*Real Computer Teachers do not like to be corrected, no matter how gross an
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error they've made.
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*Real Computer Teachers don't like students who have their own computers,
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because they usually know more about computers then they do. Even if the the
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computer has been in the closet for the past 6 months because they feel it's
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version of Pac-Man isn't very good.
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*Real Computer Teachers think Hackers are a nuisance and childish, but they
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buy every book, and cut out every magazine article about them.
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*Real Computer Teachers own a $500 modem and subscribe to Compuserve and The
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Source, yet they have never logged onto BBS.
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(Go away. What happened to our friend? Did he make it?)
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Yes, our friend had to suffer through an entire year of Real Computer Teacher
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stupidity. Word has it that our friend is now locked up in an institution
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becasue of our Real Computer Teacher.
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(Well, We are approaching the end of the file, so let's rattle off some
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more rules before we go, ok?)
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*Real Computer Teachers eat Quiche
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*Real Computer Teachers think that all programs must be 'user friendly'.
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*Real Computer Teachers do not use Fortran, C, Cobol or LISP, but will take
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the time to try to learn a dead language like Pascal
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*Real Computer Teachers have a library of 100s of computer books yet refers
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to BASIC for Children Step-By-Step, when they have a problem.
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*Real Computer
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