110 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
110 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
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1993 RAH Online Industry Awards
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by Dave Bealer
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Since nobody sued us over last year's awards article, we'll
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report on the insanity of yet another year online. Literally
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minutes of intensive research have gone into making these the
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fairest, most objectionable (er, objective) awards available
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today. Tomorrow, who knows?
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>> Vaporware of the Year <<
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Pretty Good Privacy
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Oh, you can find it, if you know whom to ask. The U.S.
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government would like everyone to pretend that it was never
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released. Especially to evil foreigners, whose mail will now
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be much more difficult to read. Of course, they're not *too*
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pleased about being unable to read the mail of their own
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citizens either, but they can't admit that.
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>> Worst Online Idea of the Year <<
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Putting American Politicians Online
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Just when you thought is was safe to turn on your modem, the
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inane blatherings of your elected "representatives" are now
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being made available, at taxpayer expense, online. The scary
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part is that some of these people can't even navigate a car
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all the way across a bridge, much less use a computer.
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>> Best Shareware Software <<
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PC-Right
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This modern shareware word processor has a built in sensitivity
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checker. It prevents the user from using words or phrases that
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could conceivably offend any of the world's reactionary special
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interest groups. Since what actually does offend these groups
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often changes from hour to hour, PC-Right incorporates revolu-
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tionary artificial intelligence precognition algorithms. Those
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who register get a special quick-index card to the 47 English
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words that they're still allowed to use.
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>> Highest Pressure Marketing Department <<
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America Online
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Joining is like falling off a log; quitting is like falling out
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of a plane without a parachute into a mine field.
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>> Most PC-Owning Town <<
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Marlow, New Hampshire, USA
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Virtually everyone in town owns a PC, and they all got them
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through the employee discount program of PC Connection, the
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hardware/software mail order vendor where they all work. This
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is a real modern day "company town." PC Connection is also the
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only racoon owned and operated business in New Hampshire.
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>> Ebenezer Scrooge Memorial Award <<
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Prodigy
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In a never ending quest to separate people from more of their
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money, Prodigy switched from a fixed rate access charge structure
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to hourly charges. The next software upgrade should provide
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billing by the picosecond.
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>> Best Hardware Innovation <<
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Ryxel-Leamington Portable Combo
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28.8 Cellular/Satellite FAX/Modem - Electric Toothbrush
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The result of one of those cross-industry mergers, this little gem
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allows you to keep in touch with your favorite online system from
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literally anywhere Earth while keeping your teeth clean and bright.
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>> The Lowest Standard <<
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RIPOFF Graphics
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The graphics standard which the online world has (for some
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inexplicable reason) welcomed with open arms. Using CGA emulation,
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this one is sure to be a favorite with optometrists around the world.
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>> Online System of the Year <<
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UFO Reality
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This system runs on actual alien hardware taken from a flying saucer
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that crash-landed in the Mojave Desert in Southern California. It
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turns out that they crash there all the time, and that this explains
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the "earthquakes" that plague the area. If you want to try this
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system out, you'll need special front-end hardware and software
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capable of communicating directly through the atmosphere using the
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harmonic resonance of helium atoms. The hardware is readily avail-
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able through mail-order science supply houses. Vendors have promised
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front-end software for OS/2 and Windows NT for delivery next year.
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So far the software is only available for CP/M and OS9. {RAH}
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--------------
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Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
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works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
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largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
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townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
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writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
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Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
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