69 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
69 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
Computer Language Breakthrough
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Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is the ultimate
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computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto, the foremost Japanese
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fourth generation language expert, as "the only truly elegant computer language
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ever devised." NULL, as it is known, was developed by the same department that
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originally invented the wrong number, the busy signal, and the phrase, "The
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number you have reached is not in service." NULL is the culmination of five
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years of work by a team of language designers and computer science
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mathematicians. The final breakthrough occurred when operating system expert
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Hugh Nicks suggested that if removing GO TO"s was good then why not scrap IF
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statements as well, since they usually required typing too many characters
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anyway. This brilliant concept was extended through a series of complex
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mathematical theorems that form the basis of the NULL language. Put in
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layman"s terms by Sally Kahn-Vallee, electrical engineer and PROM reader, "Like
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we first we tossed out the bath water, then the baby, and like finally the
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whole tub." The elegance and conciseness of NULL can thus be proven to be a
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direct consequence of the fact that the language as defined contains no
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statements at all. While at first glance this may seem a drawback, in fact, it
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is a major improvement over any other language. A few of the numerous reasons
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are:
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1. Highly structured constructs.
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2. Advanced data hiding techniques.
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3. A NULL compiler can be written first in NULL with out ever needing to be
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written in a lower level language.
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4. Since there are no statements to compile, in fact, no compiler need ever be
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written in the first place, saving time and money.
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5. Since there will be no compilers, no new releases will ever be issued hence
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maintenance is reduced.
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6. NULL programs are highly portable and totally machine independent.
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7. NULL programs compile and execute rapidly. An important point to note is
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that with the addition of a small amount of language dependent code, e.g.
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PROC/END etc., all NULL programs can be compiled by any other language
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compiler.
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8. Since there will never be new releases of NULL, all programs are upwardly
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and downwardly compatible.
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9. NULL can be parsed top-down, bottom-up, left-right, right-left, inside-out,
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and over-easy.
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10. NULL programs are both self-documenting for clarity and self-concealing for
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security.
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11. NULL programmers are easy to find and once found can be fired since they
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are not needed.
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12. If desired, specialized NULL hardware could be designed implementing the
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code in firmware. Of course, such hardware may require years of development.
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One suggestion from Bell"s VLSI experts Nora and Andy Gates was to take an
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existing available chip and remove all the instructions except NOP. While
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this should work in theory, they acknowledged that it is probably not the
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most efficient implementation.
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These are just a few of the many ways NULL is superior to all current computer
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languages. You can, no doubt, think of more. For further reading consult any of
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the numerous books and articles by Donald Knuth, David Parnas, and of course,
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the basis of all modern computer language theory, "The Emperor"s New Clothes."
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By John R. Andrews, University of Illinois at Chicago.
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