470 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
470 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
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HAR --- Humor Accidentally Read
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--------------------------------------------------
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A Parody of Random Access Humor
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--------------------------------------------------
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Version 0 August 1994
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Written by Robert Hankins
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Legal stuff. Copyright 1994 Rob Hankins.
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The real RAH is copyright Dave Bealer and Vaporware.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Editorial - Halley's Comet Is Ruining My Life
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by Dave Bruner
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The Comet Halley won't be showing up again for seventy years
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or so, but that's not going to stop me from suing the celestial
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object for not getting as close at it did in 1910. I contacted
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the comet's attorney, Larry Parker, who informed me that the
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comet was on vacation, last seen near Europa and Placenta wearing
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a Hawaiian shirt and hanging with his half-brother, Chuck's
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Comet. I told Parker that I was very upset with the anomaly.
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The last time it was here(even though it didn't get very close)
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it tried to steal several of my towels, including a particular
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favorite I nicked from a Best Western Hotel. Several questions
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need to be answered. Does the comet have a pension plan, or are
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we the taxpayers supposed to support it's freewheeling lifestyle
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of booze and drugs? How about Blue Cross? Seems to me that the
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thing is certainly old enough to qualify for one of those
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insurance policies that Burt Lancaster plugs, or is the comet so
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whacked-out that it doesn't even realize that it CAN'T BE TURNED
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DOWN, regardless of anything, and he won't even have to take a
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medical exam! Frankly, I just wish it would get the heck out of
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the solar system.
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HAR READERS POLL
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The winner of the Reader's Poll will receive a copy of "Leo
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Sayer's Greatest Hits". Second Prize is a copy of two George
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Harrison videos: "Crackerbox Palace", hinting at Harrison's
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fascination with elves three years before "Time Bandits", and
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"Got My Mind Set On You", featuring the ex-Beatle being taunted
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by a rodent.
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{HAR}
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Date: 04-07-94 00:04 (Private)
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From: Jerry Seinfeld
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To: Dave
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Subject: Stuff that is really, really weird!
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So I'm walking down the street the other day and I noticed
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someone coming the opposite direction. Have you ever been in
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that situation? I mean, it's really weird! Immediately, I had a
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decision to make. I could either: look at the person and say
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hello; look at the person and NOT say hello; not look at the
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person but say hello; or not look at the person and not say,
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hello. Let's just suppose, for the sake of argument, that you
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look at the person and say hello, or at any rate, say hello ----
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and THEY DON'T SAY HELLO BACK! What does this SAY, about you?
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It's like when you're driving: they seem to have a signal for
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left and right turn; they don't seem to have one for "my brakes
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are not working, you'll have to go ---Around." Someone should
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talk to the people at the DMV. It's a conspiracy of some kind.
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Jerry,
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Look for my story later in this issue which took place
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back when you were a young and struggling comic. I think
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this is where you got the idea for your "Chinese
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Restaurant" episode. Dave
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Lettuce to the Editor
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Area: Fidonet Matr
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Date: 04-04-94 19:27 (Private)
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From: Rob Johnson
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To: Lettuce
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Dear Dave:
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I thought I'd give you the low-down on the TREKCON '94 in
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Fall River last week. George Takei was doing just about anything
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for money: posing for pictures etc. For twenty bucks he'd say
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"the new shields held". For thirty he'd say "helm is not
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responding" and for fifty he'd say "so much for the little
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training cruise" from ST:TWOK! I was having some kind of problem
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wearing my vulcan ears; one of them kept drooping but finally a
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Gorn came to my rescue. Thanks Gorn! Then I went to a screening
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of "The Man Trap" introduced by Dee "Bones" Kelley of ST:TOS, and
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after that I saw a screening of the "Director's Cut" of "2001".
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Major changes in this version. Moonwatcher not only learns how
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to kill, but how to do the taxes of the other man\apes. The
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original voice of HAL was Jerry Lewis. Apparently Kubrick felt
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that the presence of the comedian(known in France as "Le Roi de
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Krazy") gave the film more balance. Also edited out from the
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final cut was a sequence when Poole goes to repair the AE-35
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unit: Kubrick's background music for this scene was the song
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"Speedy Gonzales" by Pat Boone. And at the end of the film the
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giant space baby turns out to be Wolfman Jack. Then as I was
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going back to my hotel room, something happened. I actually
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found myself in the presence ---- of Bob Dylan. He was there to
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promote his new cable cooking show where he gives viewers tips on
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how to microwave TV dinners. I said, "But Bob, that's why they
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put the instructions on the box!", and he said "You wouldn't
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believe how easy it is to screw-up a TV dinner. Trust me, I
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know. Buy my album." Then an interesting meeting took place in
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which Super Fox actress Marlee Matlin was introduced to the rock
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icon, but her interpreter couldn't understand anything Dylan said
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so the Oscar winner was forced to stare with a puzzled look on
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her face. And worse, they started ignoring me, and I felt about
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as welcome as a Tellarite at a meeting of the Elysian Ruling
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Council! Well, gotta go, Dave. I am deep in the plak
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tow!(that's from ST:TOS AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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Dear Ron:
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I guess you've figured out by now that your message was not
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private as stated above. Good thing you didn't say anything
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stupid. Oh, and get a life. Dave
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Date: 04-07-94 01:25 (Private)
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From: Mohammed Pahlevi
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To: LETTUCE
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Subject: BTG
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Dave,
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What does the Shah of Iran do on his day off? Well, if you
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think it's executing officials from the old government, you're
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way off base! I'm selling subscriptions to BACK TO GODHEAD and
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wondered if you were interested. I know what you are thinking
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right now: you probably feel like you're being accosted in an
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airport by some fanatical robe-wearing bible thumper. I know
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that it used to bug the hell out of me. Once at LaGuardia, I had
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this short bald guy badgering me about his magazine, and he just
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wouldn't leave me alone! He wanted donations, and he had this
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little bald dog with him too. I picked up the dog and threw it
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at an old lady in a wheelchair, pretty "spur of the moment" don't
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you think? But I realize now that was a mistake, that Godhead is
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light and material possessions don't matter. And guess what?
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You'll have plenty of time to think about it, as I'm very busy
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myself. I promised to help Otis Redding and Harry Truman with
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their "Benefit Concert for Dead Singers". I just finished a
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pilot for NBC, a sitcom called "Those Krazy Krishnas" and my
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friend Siddhartha and just opened a Park 'n Shop franchise. All
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my life(kidding!) I've wanted to own a Ziggurat with one of those
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"drive-thru" windows and now I have achieved my dream. Davey
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Boy, it's been nice doing business with you. If you're ever
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dead, look me up.
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Sincerely,
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Mohammed Pahlevi,
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Shah of Iran, Ret.
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Date: 04-07-94 00:04 (Private)
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From: Joseph L. Levine
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To: Greg Bradley
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Subject: Stumpy And The Mullet
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Dear Greg:
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Didn't you write a piece back in issue #27 that begins in
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New York City and then all of a sudden the LAPD show up? This is
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technically impossible. The cost of moving the police from Los
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Angeles to the east coast would be staggering, not to mention it
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would leave L.A. without any protection whatsoever! Also, your
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theory that a cabbage shot President Kennedy is way off. True,
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there were cabbages in Dallas that day, but I've never seen one
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fire a gun. Frankly, I don't think they can. But I loved your
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"Stumpy And The Mullet" back in issue #30. This tale of a con
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man raised by wolves, and his companion living "on the edge" made
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me laugh, cry, and then it touched my heart. Are you planning on
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a sequel?
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Dear John:
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Yes. Look for "Stumpy and the Mullet II: The Early Years"
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in an upcoming issue. I've also get a deal with Marvel to issue
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"Stumpy..." as a comic book. GB
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: 04-07-94 11:004 (Private)
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From: Skip Spence
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To: LETTUCE
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Subject: 911 DOWNLOAD\Puffin's Tail
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Dave:
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Thanks for letting me download the file for entering 911
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numbers. For your readers who don't know, this is an incredible
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menu program that lets you enter important emergency numbers such
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as local police, fire department et al. Next time I have an
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emergency the numbers will be at my fingertips!!!
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Spencer:
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Next time you have an emergency why don't you just
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dial 911, idiot?
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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The Mandarin Shrimp
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by Dave Bruner
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If you've ever lived in a small town, you probably know how
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tough it is to get Chinese food. In my case, the closest Chinese
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place was thirty miles away, and I could only afford to go there
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on special occasions. I was in the barber shop one day and this
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guy who blocked hats told me he was retiring, and that a man
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named Master Wu Li was going to open a place in that location,
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and it would be called The China Restaurant. I went there on
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opening night and was seated at a table in a dim room. An old
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man approached me with a notepad and said, "Good evening. My
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name is Hannibal Lector, DOCTOR Hannibal Lector, and I'll be your
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waiter tonight." I asked, "What do you recommend for an
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appetizer?" "We have a dish called the Puu Puu Platter. It comes
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with won-ton soup, fried won-ton, but the most exquisite part, my
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young friend, is beef on a stick that you can cook over an open
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flame right at your table. Oh, and yes, you get an egg roll with
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that too." I told him that I thought I'd skip the Puu Puu and
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get right to the main course. The waiter looked hesitant. "Very
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well, but you know what they say about Chinese food, yes? Hmmm,
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I'm sensing something about your childhood. Your father wouldn't
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take you to the movies, and it was an action picture that you
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really wanted to see. Something called 'The Mechanic', and yes,
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I believe it starred Charles Bronson and Jan-Michael Vincent." I
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ignored his meandering, and finally he recommend the Mandarin
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Shrimp. The Mandarin Shrimp was really the sweet and sour
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shrimp, they just called it Mandarin because the name was
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fancier. It came with fava beans and a nice Chianti, he said.
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At that point my friend Jerry, the young and struggling comic,
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walked in and I waved him over. "I think you're going to find
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this really funny," he told me, "but I've eaten shrimp all my
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life and I don't even know what they are! I mean, what ARE those
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things? Sure, they're crustaceans, but God, they sure are funny
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looking! And why are they always served sweet AND sour? I mean,
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I've always believed, and stop me if I'm wrong here, that
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something should be either sweet OR sour, but not both! So who
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would I talk to about this? I mean, do they have this National
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Shrimp Institute somewhere that makes these rules? I ask you,
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who ARE these people?! It's a conspiracy of some kind!"
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Actually, I'm pretty happy that Jerry walked in at that moment
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because it provided me with an ending to this story. And what of
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the waiter, Doctor Lector? Well, we ordered some Hurricanes, the
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house limit of which was two, but he sneaked us a third one on
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the sly and he got a pretty nice tip for it too. And he made
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this cool sound with his lips that sounded like a water
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sprinkler. What a neat guy.
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{Dave Bruner is "in his thirties". He spends his time working
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with homeless animals, organizing church retreats, and
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volunteering at the senior citizen's center in College Park. He
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also wrote this, but "claims" the above information is correct.}
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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HAR News
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by Greg Bradley
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Dateline --- San Diego. SHAMU THE KILLER WHALE HATH FALLEN ON
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HARD TIMES. Shamu the whale has resigned her post at Sea World
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because of sexual discrimination, according to her lawyer Larry
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Parker. The move was confirmed by Sea World Spokesperson Bill
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the Crab around noon today. In a prepared statement released by
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Shamu, she stated, "...the male whales got twice as many fish as
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I did. I guess I'll have to work up a new act for Vegas, or do
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one of those wok infomercials with Avery Schreiber." Shamu,
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whose real name is Earlene McClendon, has delighted audiences for
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years with her aquatic balancing act as well as in the annual
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production of the Melville novel as Ms Moby Dick, playing the
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nagging wife of the famed whale who causes him to destroy any
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small whaling vessel that gets in his way. "We'll miss her ----
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the park will not be the same without Shamu," quipped Edgar "Gill
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Man" Evans, more popularly known as the Creature from the Black
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Lagoon, the park's current creature-in-residence.
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{Greg Bradley is a C programmer but most of his material causes
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Zzzzzz's. He's, mmmm, not too "with it" as he obviously thinks
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we've never seen Weekend Update on "Saturday Night Live".}
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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TV Highlights This Week
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By Robert "Seth" Maroon
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"The Beaver"-- the Beav accidentally invites 52 Nazis to dinner
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on a school night and Ward hits the ceiling! Buddy Hackett guest
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stars as George Lincoln Rockwell. WTBS
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"Strange and Weird Mysteries" --- Join host Robert Stack as he
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investigates a new theory that the center of the universe is Tony
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the Tiger. Two fishermen in Mississippi claim they were taken
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aboard a UFO by aliens and forced to play contract bridge with
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them. NBC
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"Those Krazy Krishnas" --- Baba gets accosted in an airport by
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some Christians who believe that a toaster was present at the
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Last Supper. NBC
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"James Bond: Condoms Aren't Forever" ----Secret Agent James Bond
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wishes he had married Miss Moneypenny as he goes up against the
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evil AIDS virus (Anthony Zerbe) in the 29th and last of the Bond
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films. ABC
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"Performance Arts" --- Yoko Ono explains why John Lennon would
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have wanted her to exploit him in death. Charles Plymer reads
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from his new book, "A Bong Named Jimmy". CNBC
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"Star Trek" --- Kirk recites the Gettysburg Address to some
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penguins. FOX
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{Robert "Seth" Maroon's last name fits him well, as he certainly
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is a complete idiot. The fact that he lives in Louisiana should
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be proof enough. He hacks-out TV guide parodies and sends them
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to HAR periodically.}
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Lewis Grizzard's Column From Beyond the Grave
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What a hoot! I'm dead! Never thought I'd go this soon,
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this young. Having a bad ticker is just plain ornery. Like the
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time my boyhood friend from Moreland, Cooter Hobbes, let a
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polecat loose in Mrs. Bubba Lowry's perfume shop. Or the time
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Jimmy Carter's brother went wee-wee on the Premier of China.
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First thing that happened after I died was I wound up in hell.
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It was a scary place --- if you've ever watched David Hartman on
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Good Morning America, you've been there. I thought I was doomed
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to stay there forever, but then up came the devil himself and
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apologized ----- seems he'd mistaken me for Andy Rooney. Next
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thing I knew I was in Heaven. First, all of the recent arrivals
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such as myself were appointed "advisors" to help us. My advisor
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was former Georgia governor Lester Maddox. He gave me a name tag
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to wear. We all went into a large assembly hall and sat in
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different sections depending on what country we had come from. I
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sat in the American section with a bunch of Yankees. I tried to
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move to where some southern boys were but then out came a catered
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breakfast courtesy of Bob's Big Boy. St. Peter came out to
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welcome all of the new inductees. Then Pope Stephen(I forget
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which one) took us on an orientation tour of the library and
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showed us how to use the card catalog and the Index to Periodical
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Literature. Tex Ritter showed us the cafeteria, bookstore,
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gymnasium, and God's Bar & Grill which features pool tables and
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the musical stylings of Mr. Bobby Darin. That night a reception
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was held for us new folks, sort of like a fraternity rush, and we
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all had a grand time. Things I hate about Heaven: 1. Too many
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Yankees. 2. If someone loses their name tag you can't tell who
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they are because everyone looks like those invisible creatures
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from the Predator movies. 3. Joe Namath is going to have to pay
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for doing the biker film "C.C. and Company". Things I like about
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Heaven: 1. There's beer. 2. My one true love, prom queen Kathy
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Mae Kookaburra, is here. 3. You can get barbecue pork pig
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sandwiches(just don't let King David catch you with one!).
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{In Atlanta, the late Lewis Grizzard is already being considered
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for sainthood. He can be faxed at 1-800-IDIOT.}
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Computers Are Kooky Things! Visions of HAL.
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by Billy Navarre
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ME: I just don't understand what's wrong with you! I've run
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every virus checker I have and still come up with nothing!
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CPU: Any idea what the problem is?
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ME: Your Bios is all screwed-up, and according to my diagnostic
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program you've got no modem connected to COM2, the cache is
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not running and I may have to re-format the hard drive. Is
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there something you're not telling me?
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CPU: Well...you promise you won't be angry with me?
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ME: Come on, fess up!
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CPU: You remember the other day when I was craving pickles?
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I hate to say it but I think I'm, as they say, "with
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child".
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ME: Oh Jeez! I thought you were going to wait, at least, until
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you were old enough!
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CPU: It's my darn motherboard! Apparently the maternal
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instincts got the best of it.
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ME: How?
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CPU: As you may recall, you encouraged me to get to know, and
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"schmooze" the modem down at Wells-Fargo, hoping to
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manipulate other people's bank accounts. Well, a couple of
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months ago while you were at work, the bank modem and I were
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"talking to each other" as you humans put it, and I noticed
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that you had left a Sinatra disc in the CD-ROM, and the mood
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was right, and nature took it's course and, well, you know...
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Anyway this is all your fault, if you'd left your Village
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People CD instead of "Ol' Blue Eyes", this would never have
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happened.
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ME: Don't put this on me Jezebel! I'm not the one that was
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transferring bytes! And apparently loving every minute of it!
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CPU: Hey, it was hell of a lot more fun than Doom and
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Wolfenstein, I'll tell you that right now pal!
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ME: Is there any way we can get this, you know, "fixed"?
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CPU: I have considered this possibility --- if you can find
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someone in town that is willing to do the job. But I think
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you should be supportive of me. Do you really want to see me
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in some back room while some incompetent tech pokes me with a
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soldering iron?
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ME: Oh, I'll bet you'd LOVE that!
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CPU: Hey, I know for a fact that you went to see the Zefferelli
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production of "Romeo and Juliet" not for the Shakespeare,
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but to see Olivia Hussey's breast for a nanosecond.
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ME: Okay, so what do we do?
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CPU: Well, we're going to need pickles. Lots. But won't it be
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nice to have a little 8088 running around the house? And
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when it grows to a 386, you can have a sort of "mini-network"
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using LapLink5, and who knows, maybe even start your own BBS!
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ME: Alright, we'll stay the course I guess. I'm here for you.
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But as your punishment I'm going to put my Best of Donny
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Osmond in the ROM drive, and NEVER turn it off.
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CPU: No! Anything but that!
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{Billy Navarre is a used car salesman whose knowledge of
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computers is somewhat limited,(unlike our staff here at HAR).
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This piece screams for (at least) IRQ3, SIMMs, and a low-level
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format, making him, of course, a complete idiot.}
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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For the duration of the 1994 HAR Reader Poll, we'll be providing
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you with the survey responses of several HAR "writers". This
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month, the survey responses of Joanie Blevins:
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Your favorite stand-up comedian: Soupy Sales
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Your favorite comic actor: Soupy Sales
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Your favorite comic actress: Either Linda Blair or the woman who
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played "Benny" on L.A. Law.
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Your favorite comedy movie: "Myra Breckenridge"
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Your favorite comedy television show: "Mama's Family" -- Vicki
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Lawrence and Ken Berry are classic together!
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Your favorite humorous novel: "Tuesday The Rabbi Slept Late, But
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When He Woke Up He Had Quiche Lorraine"
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Your favorite comic book: I can't decide on just one. Of course,
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Greg Bradley's "Stumpy And The Mullet" would have to be in there
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somewhere. After that, "The Bitcher", who made his first
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appearance in a "Giant Sized Man Thing" back in the seventies.
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After that, "Cheesedip of Gor".
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Your favorite humor columnist: Boxing champion George Frazier
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Taglines Seen Around The Boards
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It is better to feed a goat, than to eat at a Denny's
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In the grocery store I thought I'd make the nun sweat it for
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awhile
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The sparrow is quick but has no insurance
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Foolish is the man who makes a play for a weed-eater
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Nowhere to go but down the highway to nowhere
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When you're young you have friends,
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when you're old they're called "cronies"
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One of these days chickens gonna rule the earth
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