textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/handle.txt

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLM
NOP                                 QRS
TUV    "How To Choose An Alias"     WXY
ZAB                                 CDE
FGH          written by             IJK
LMN                                 OPQ
RST         The Sheister            UVW
XYZ          also known             ABC
DEF              as                 GHI
JKL         UMass Bandit            MNO
PQR                                 STU
VWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWZYZABCDEFGH
 
  Most people when they make their 1st
attempt at choosing an alias to mark
their computing "career" tend to reach
for the obvious, lets take a look...
 
MASTER
======
 
  Never include the word "Master" any-
where in your alias because most likely
you are not.  Master connotates some-
thing that you have total control over
which, of course, most of the dweebs
that are modeming nowadays dont.  Of
course there will be exceptions and 
some of us will tend to be "masters"
but the word "master" is so overused
that its not feasible anymore so keep
away from that.  If, however, you wish
to include the prefix "Mastur" some-
where in your soon-to-be-famous alias,
then that is solely up to you.
 
DATA
====
 
  Data...now that leaves a lot of doors
open.  It would seem that a lot of 
people would have chosen that by now,
but apparently not.  I guess it is
because you can only make several alias
out of that:  Data D00d, Data Leech,
              Data Man, or Data Dweeb.
Now, you tell me why you shouldnt use
the word "Data" if you can help it.
Even if you could think of a decent 
alias using the word "data", why would
you want to be known as a chunk of 
info?  Be my guest, use it, Im not your
dad.
 
DUDE, D00D
====  ====
 
  I think its quite obvious why you 
should not use any of these in your
new nickname.  As Ive said before,
most of you skinny wimps are NOT dudes
nor do you resemble 1 in the slightest
way.  Im sure that a number of you more
elite users are completely inherent of
the "Dude" aspect but that would just
cause people to question you, wondering
whether or not youre a rodent.  If you 
want to use "Dude" then I suggest you
prove it rather quickly.
  "D00d", on the other hand, is quite
self-explanatory.  Let the rodents of
the world use "D00D".  That way we can
identify them more easily and kick them
off all of the Boards.  A rodent is a
rodent is a rodent and will always be
one.  Never let one trick you into be-
lieving he's changed, especially if he
used "D00D" in a previous name.
 
DIGITAL
=======
 
  Well, I just consulted Websters Un-
abridged Dictionary and their defini-
tion of "Digital" is as follows:
     1. Of, pertaining to, or resem-
        bling a digit, or digits.
     2. Digitate.
     3. Performed with the finger.
     4. Using numbers that are digits 
        to represent all the variables
        involved in calculation.
     5. Showing the time, temp, etc. by
        a row of digits rather than by
        numbers on a dial <eg. a watch>
Well, as far as #1 goes, I dont think
that any of you would resemble a digit
except the number one if you are skinny
enough or the number eight if you are
fat enough.  If you resemble any other
number then youd better get to the 
doctors fast.  Now, number 2, ok, if 
you can visualize yourself "digitating"
then have fun, be a fool.  Number 3
kind of makes me want to laugh, and 
very hard at that.  Well, if you pick
"digital" for this purpose, then I
suggest you be careful with the other
half of your name.  People may wonder
just what it is you are actually
"fingering".  Then there's the 4th def-
intion which is fairly feasible, seeing
as computers and variables form a
comprehensible interaction.  As for
#5, unless you plan to be a meteorolo-
gist then youd better skip it.
  Dont knock it though, Ive seen some
decent names with "digital" in them,
Digital Madness being one of them.  If
you are so daring as to use it as a 
noun then you would be telling every-
one that you wish to be thought of as:
    a finger, a key on an instrument,
    or the last joint in a spiders leg.
Ive spent enough time on this one, so
on we go.
 
DISK
====
 
  Everybody and his brother thinks of
using the word "disk" somewhere in 
their alias, but thats so unoriginal.
I mean, shit, thats the first thing you
touch when you decide you want to use
your computer.  Well, some of you wierd
people might touch something else, but
Im speaking for the majority of us.
If you didnt have a disk then your
computer would be worthless as far as
enjoyment would go, unless youll enjoy
the money you get from selling it. Im
sure therell be some "Masters" that
disagree with that, but lets see how
much fun you can have without disks.
You get my point.
  Creativity stands a chance here.  
This is one of the few words though, 
that when utilized in an alias that is
out of context, can still sound fine.
For Example, "Slipped Disk" or "Disko
Dude" <see "Dude"> are acceptable.
 
BANDIT
======
 
  One of the less imaginitive words to
use.  I fell under this category at one
point.  Coming from UMass (University
of Massachusetts) I merely added the
word "Bandit" on the end of my schools
name, how ingenius.  I did that mainly
because I wanted to represent my school
somehow and that would be the only way
to use UMass without sounding too queer
or ornate.  Im not so sure how my newer
alias is, but its not an ordinary every
day word.
  As I was pointing out, "Bandit" is a
word that people use to make you think
that they are some mysterious pilferer,
whether it concerns Pirating, Hacking,
Phreaking, or anything connected with
the greyer areas concerning legality.
It seems, in my opinion, to be too easy
to merely tack on "Bandit" at the end
of your name.  One name that has become
somewhat noteable is "Apple Bandit". 
That mustve taken a lot of hard thought
time and effort to create that alias.
Think about what Ive just said if you
were deciding whether or not to be a
so-called "Bandit".
 
CRASHER
=======
 
  Unfortunately, this touches upon the
"Master" concept.  If you cant crash
much more than say, a D-dial, then it
stands to reason that using any form of
this word in your name would cause you
to be frowned upon as some derivative 
of the word "geek".  If all you can 
crash is A-Net then you should go back
and consider the word "Bandit" because
even a user in diapers knows how to do
that and youd merely be "Bandit"ing
someone elses techniques.  If you have
the know-how to crash many types of
systems then youre still at a loss be-
cause anyone that "Crashes" a friendly
system is a true asshole in every 
respect of the word.  Its ok, though, 
if the SysOp is a dickshit, then you
can relax.  If you plan on using this
then you should be more specific so 
others will know just what type of 
things you crash (Disks, Autos, Windows
etc).
 
HACKER
======
 
  Now, this is a great word to use in
your name, if you hack that is. Hacking
is considered by many of the ignorant
people of this blasphemed world to be
a threat to society.  Granted we have
some assholes out there who try to be
Mr Wargames himself, but there are many
"hackers" that do not fit that crude
description. Many "Hackers" are only
out to satisfy their curiosity and a 
lot of places could benefit from 
hackers if they (the places) would just
quit being such paranoid assholes. In
other words, "Hacker" (if you are) is
quite a noble word to help enhance your
alias.  Just put some thought into it.
One good example Ive seen is "The 
Ubiquitous Hacker" (famed Mender of 
Catfur 2.2, remember?) or the "Unknown
Hacker".
 
PHREAK, PHREEK
======  ======
 
  I myself dont approve of these being
used in part of a nickname, however,
you may disagree.  I never said you had
to agree with anything in here.  A good
phreak is noticed by his actions, his
manners, and his information.  Putting
the word "Phreak" or "Phreek" (which is
a stupid spelling for a derivative) in
your name makes it look like you are
trying to call too much attention to 
it.  If you wish to have a name that is
relevant to phreaking then take some
of your jargon and work with that, you
know, something dealing with PBXs or
WATS extenders, or some bogus company
that you guys rip off day in and day
out such as MCI, SPRINT or AT&T.  If
youre still at a loss then you should
pick up your phone (if youve passed 
that stage), dial 0, and ask the nice
lady on the other end what her name is
and try that.
 
RAD
===
 
  The word "Rad" or any form of it in
your name would tend to have people
believe that you are some type of mad
partying, incredibly popular person.
Well, 90% of modemers know that 90% of
modemers are probably scrawny little 
losers (if youre offended then eat
some protein or twinkies, geek), 9.5%
know that 9.5% are pretty damn cool
people who have plenty of other things
to do, but get a kick, and at times a
challenge out of some of the things
associated with modeming (theft, drugs,
etc). The other .5% either just got 
their new Micromodem ][e for Christmas
or are somewhere way out in left field
picking their nose, so unless you are
truly "Rad" then you might want to 
shop elsewhere.
 




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