307 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
307 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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Disclaimer (for posting to alt.beer and rec.food.drink.beer):
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This is a parody on everybody's favorite post, MAKE.MONEY.FAST. This
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post is in no way meant to be taken seriously. The author does not
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advocate participation in the activities described herein and disclaims
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all responsibility for anything that could possibly get him in
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trouble.
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Most of the names appearing on the list below were in a recent posting
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of MAKE.MONEY.FAST. If these individuals do in fact exist, and they do
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not appreciate their names and addresses being here, that's just too
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bad -- you should have known better.
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Dear Friends,
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My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my refrigerator was empty
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and I was god-awful thirsty. But the only thing I had to quench my
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thirst was a half-empty can of Meister Brau. The only escape I had
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from the incredible dryness of my throat was my computer and modem. I
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longed to turn my avocation into a way of acquiring beer cheaply and
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easily.
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This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten-day drinking spree. I
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bought a Lincoln Town Car and paid with 1200 cases of Guinness. I am
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currently building a home on the West Coast of Florida, with a private
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pool (filled with beer), boat slip, and a beautiful view of the bay
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from my breakfast room table and patio, all out of emptied beer
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bottles. I will never have to go to the liquor store again. I have
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recieved over 400,000 (Four hundred thousand) bottles of beer to date
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and will have a million within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same.
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This beer-acquisition program works perfectly every time, 100% of the
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time. I have NEVER failed to bring in 50,000 bottles of beer or more
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whenever I wanted. Best of all, you never have to leave home except to
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go to the mailbox, post office, or the outhouse (recall that phrase
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about "renting" beer?).
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In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could
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obtain 50,000 bottles of beer or more whenever I wanted. I was
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naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my
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computer. It's funny, though, when you are desperate for a drink, faced
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with an empty fridge, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustrating
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day trying to mooch beer off of friends and relatives. The pickings
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were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my computer
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and calling several bulletin boards. I read several of the message
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posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer. All at once
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it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams.
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I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and
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enhance this beer-acquisition formula into the most unbelievable
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beer-flow generator that has ever been created. I substituted the
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computer bulletin boards in place of the post office and electronically
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did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few
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letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded
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to other bulletin boards throughout the world. If you believe that
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someday you deserve that large closet, nay, that garage and extra
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outdoor storage shed full of beer that you have waited for all your
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life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your thirst will be
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quenched.
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Sincerely yours,
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Dave Rhodes
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INSTRUCTIONS
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Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have
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received well over 50,000 bottles of beer, all yours. This program has
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remained successful because of the honesty and integrity of the participants.
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Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the instructions.
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Welcome to the world of beer distributing! This little business is a
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little different than most beer distributors. You are not in the
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business of supplying beer to dealers, but of sending out free samples
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of beer to potential consumers. Many people are more than happy to
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receive your free samples of beer.
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1) Immediately mail one bottle of beer to the first 5 (five) names
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listed below starting at number 1 through number 5. Send high-quality
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beers only (those going for $8-10/6-pack, total investment $20.00 max
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with postage). Enclose a note with each package stating: "Please try
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this free sample with my compliments. If you find that you enjoy it,
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look for it next time in your local liquor store or call the brewery
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for the dealer nearest you." For other countries, try to send
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high-quality domestic beers so that others may sample a wide range of
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beers other than those available at home. Note that purchasing a full
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6-pack results in one beer left over for you.-)
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(This is a legitimate service, and you are providing the free sample
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for each of these individuals.)
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2) Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the other 9
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names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1 and number 3 will
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become number 2, etc.) Place your name, address, and zip code in the number
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10 position. With this action you are effectively saying, "Yes, I am
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interested in receiving free samples of the beers you have to offer."
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3) Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into 10
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(ten) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file section,
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call the file, GET.DRUNK.CHEAP.
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4) Within 60 days you will receive over 50,000 bottles of beer. Keep
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a copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again
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whenever you need beer. As soon as you mail out these letters you
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become just another consumer and other beer "distributors" will begin
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sending you "free trial samples". The list of people to whom you send
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beer possibly may then be used to obtain advertising money from
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breweries for income on a regular basis. This is a service. This is
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perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Sec. 1302
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Paragraph 5, Sub-paragraph iii, Sentence 2, Words 5-7 of the beer
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distributorship laws (quoted: "... it is legal ..."). In addition,
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newly emptied bottles may be recycled or sold to homebrewers, providing
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guaranteed regular income as a side effect of the program.
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Note: Make sure you retain EVERY name and address you send beer to,
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either on computer or hard copy. This is PROOF that you are truly
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a beer distributor and should the IRS or some other government agency,
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the breweries, your family, or the drunken bum down the street question
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you, you can provide them with this proof! Also, keep the notes
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received with each bottle of beer in order to prove that they were in
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fact free samples shipped to you by distributors.
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Remember, as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
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followed, five members will be sent a bottle of beer as a "free
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trial sample." Your name will move up the list geometrically so
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that when your name reaches the number 5 position, you will be receiving
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thousands of bottles of beer.
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1. Steven J. Cambria
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203 Oakvale Blvd.
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Kenmore, NY 14223
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2. Fredick Dihlman
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Box 388
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St. Bonaventure Univ.
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St. Bonaventure, NY 14778
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3. Dennis Le
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8142 19th Street
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Westminster, CA 92683
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4. Toni Mason
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2405A Landmark
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Raleigh, NC 27607
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5. Kalen Schulteis
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Box 1622
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5500 Wabash Ave.
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Terre Haute, IN 47803
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6. Anthony M. Mazzola III
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C.P.U. 171
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300 Grace Watson Circle
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Rochester, NY 14623
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7. Brian Lipman
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1820 Chicago #3002
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Evanston, IL 60201
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8. Hong Yang
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99 S. Rock Hampton Dr.
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Madison, AL 35758
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9.Paul DeFranco
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222 Melwood Ave.
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APT. 406
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Pittsburgh, PA 15213
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10.Tipsy Guzzler
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123 4th street
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Belch, XX 56789
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The following letters were written by participating
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members in this program.
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To Whom It May Concern:
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About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I
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ignored it. I received about five more of the same letters within the
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next two weeks. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to
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follow through and dreamed of receiving thousands of beers, but I was
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convinced it was just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I
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was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a
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local bulletin board in Montreal. I liked the idea of giving it a try
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with my computer. I didn't expect much because, I figured, if other
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people were as skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick to part with
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five bottles of beer. But, I am reduced to buying Old Style one can at
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a time and have nothing to show for it but empty cans and beer stains
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on the carpet. This week I decided to risk delaying rent payment for a
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couple of weeks in order to take advantage of this tremendous
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opportunity. I addressed the packages and mailed out one bottle in
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each as directed. Two weeks went by and I rolled around and I couldn't
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believe what happened! I can't say I received 50,000 bottles of beer
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but it was definitely well over 35,000! For the first time in ten
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years, I got WAAAAY drunk off my ass on really good beer! It was
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great. Of course, it didn't take me long to drink all of the beer, so
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I am using this excellent beer-acquisition opportunity once again.
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Follow the instructions and get ready to drink!
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Please send a copy of this note along with the enclosed letter so
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together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really
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works!
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Good Luck,
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Charles Kust
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St. Agathe, Que.
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Another letter:
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I tried a similar program in which a 6-pack was sent to each person. In
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that on the return was about 3%. Since I did not have a modem, I sent
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out letters regular mail. I created a few mailing labels and printed
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out all of the labels on pressure sensitive tape. The first mailing
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that I used the one-bottle-per-person approach I started to get return
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packages in just over one week! I sent out 200 letters instead of 100 that
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is required if you use the mail instead of the bulletin boards.
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Additionally, I included as many friends, relatives, classmates, that I
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could think of in order to encourage their participation if they
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happened to recognize my name, so my percentage of gain was higher. I
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am trying again with 500 letters to see if I surpass the 141,000 bottles
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of the last time. You just won't believe it until you try.
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Best Wishes,
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Mark Garner
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Dallas, TX
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Additional Notes:
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This system works equally well if mailed out manually. Mind you it
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takes more effort to hand address the envelopes and the cost goes up
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proportionately to cover the postage and envelopes. You must also
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photocopy the instructions, cross out the name in the number 1
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position, write in your name in the number 10 slot and change the rest
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of the numbers accordingly. (It might be neater to use white out or
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paste over the names.) In order to achieve the same results you must
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send out the bottle of beer to the first five names and then send out
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another 100 letters with copies of the program enclosed. It has been
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suggested not to put a return address on the outside of the envelope in
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order to encourage the recipient to open it. The return will
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approximate that then received from the posts listed on the bulletin
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boards.
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Another note:
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Hello, my name is Steve Prester. As you may have noticed I'm the tenth
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name on this list, so I do not have a thirsty-to-drunken story to tell
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here. However, I did make a phone call to the 2nd name on this list,
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Ernest Goyette. Did he have a thirsty-to-drunken story to tell? Not
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exactly, but then I found out that he did not follow the instructions
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precisely. You see, Ernest lost faith in the program before he had
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finished following instructions. He only uploaded this file on one
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BBS, which happens to be operated by Darryl McGinnis, the 3rd name on
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this list. Ernest told me that he has received 92 beers to date
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(1/6/90). I realize this is far from the 50,000 promised at the first
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of this file, yet one must keep two things in mind:
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1. 92 bottles is almost 20 times his initial investment, and it only
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took about an hour of his time (there's nothing to lose).
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2. This program works mathematically on an exponential scale. In other
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words, for every one BBS that this file is uploaded onto, it should
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spread to at least ten other BBSs and possibly a whole lot more. So,
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if Ernest had uploaded his file on all ten BBSs, he should have at
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least gotten a hundred-fold of what he has, which would be 9,200
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bottles. Not bad for a few hours work and a $20 investment (including
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postage).
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Finally, I would like to exhort those who become involved in this
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program to maintain its integrity by being honest. It is the only way
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that it can possibly pay off. In other words, be sure to enter your
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name at the bottom of the list and not in one of the top 5 positions
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(actually this would be robbing yourself since it is while your name is
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in the lower positions that it gets multiplied exponentially over
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hundreds of BBSs). And, of course, send your bottles of beer off to the
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first five names. As I write this I have not received a drop (that's
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because I have not uploaded this yet), but I thought you might like to
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hear from someone at the bottom of the list, instead of someone
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claiming thirsty-to-drunkenness. I hope such is true, and I'm sure it
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will be if we all stick with it. The potential is definitely there!
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P.S. Call me if you get drunk.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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**************************************************************************
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* Jon E. King (jking@peabody.eece.unm.edu) * "Daytime TV is the museum *
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* Dept. of Electrical & Computer Engineering * of modern American *
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* University of New Mexico * societal decay." *
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* Albuquerque, NM 87131 * -- Rush Limbaugh *
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**************************************************************************
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