141 lines
6.1 KiB
Plaintext
141 lines
6.1 KiB
Plaintext
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Gen A Sys
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---------
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19-Mar-82 07:03:00
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Left for: Computer Laws
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Contributed by Bodyguard [70105,1030]
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Gen A Sys
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(IBM)
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In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and
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void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. "I
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be" he said, then to correct his grammar added "am."
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If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb conjugation first,
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this wouldn't have happened. God would later curse the English language for
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its part, but in that moment IBM came into being.
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The Lord looked out upon the IBM He had created and said "This is
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good." That's what He said, but He shook his head, wondered what the boys at
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the User Group would say, split the light from the dark and went to bed. Thus
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passed the Beginning and the end of the first day.
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On the second day, the Lord summoned IBM unto His presence. "There
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is chaos out there, and the Universe is without form and void. I must correct
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this and I can use your help. Is there anything you can do for me?"
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"I can take care of form," IBM replied. "Put me in charge of computers
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and I will take care of form for you."
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The Lord thought that this was good and said "Let there be
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computers. Let IBM have my powers of creation that pertain to computers and
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form." Thus saying, the Lord went off to His second day's work while IBM
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created the 1401.
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On the third day, while the Lord was out, IBM decided to subdivide the
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assgined task. "Let there be systems that make the computer work and let
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them be called Operating Systems. Let there also be systems that make use of
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the computer and let them be called Application Systems." Thus, there came
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into being both Operating Systems and Application Systems, but there were
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no programmers.
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The next morning IBM had to give the Lord a status report.
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"What did you do yesterday?" the Lord asked.
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"I invented the operating system" IBM replied.
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"You did?" the Lord shuddered. "Oh dear."
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"Yes I did," IBM confirmed, "but I find I need something you alone
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can provide."
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"And what is that?"
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"I need programmers to use my computers, to operate my operation system
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and to apply my applications."
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"That can't be done now," said the Lord. "This is only the fourth
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day and there won't be people until the sixth day."
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"I need programmers and I need them now. If they can't be people
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they can't be people, but we have to work this out today."
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"Give me some specifications and I'll see what I can do." IBM hastily
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worked up specs for programmers (are specs ever anything other than hasty) and
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the Lord reviewed them.
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The Lord knew the specs weren't sufficient but followed them
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anyway. He also made some programmers that did just what programmers were
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supposed to do, just to spite IBM. The programmers and IBM spent the
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rest of the day creating the Assembler and FORTRAN. On the morning of the
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fifth day, IBM reported to the Lord once again.
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"The programmers you created for me have a problem. They want a
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programming language that is easy to use and similar to English. I told them
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you had cursed English, though I still don't know why. They wanted me to
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ask your indulgence on this.
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The Lord had cursed English for good reason, but didn't want to
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explain this to IBM. He said "let there be COBOL" and that was that.
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On the status report of the next day IBM announced that computers
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had gone forth and multiplied. Unfortunately, the computers still
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weren't big enough or fast enough to do what the programmers wanted. The
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Lord liked the idea of going forth multiplying, and used the line Himself
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later on that day. This sixth day being particularly busy, He declared "Let
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there be MVS" and there was MVS.
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On the seventh day God had finished creation and computers had
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COBOL and MVS. The Lord and IBM took the day off to go fishing. IBM hung a
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sign on the door to help programmers in his absence.
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IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY TRY AGAIN - AND HAVE THE FOLLOWING
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READY BEFORE CALLING IBM. This was the start, and by some accounts the end, of
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On the start of the second week the programmers went over IBM's cathode
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ray tube directly to God.
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"We have a horrible problem," the complained. "Our users want
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systems that perform according to their expectations."
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"USERS!" the Lord bellowed. "Who said that you should have users! Users
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are the difference between good and bad applications, a function I have
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reserved unto myself! Who authorized you to have users?"
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"Well, IBM..."
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"IBM! You! You did this to my programmers! You gave them the knowledge
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of good and evil. For that you shall suffer through eternity!
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"Let there be competition. Let it be called Anacom, and Burroughs, and
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CDC."
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The Lord went through the alphabet several times. "With all this
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competition you shall still suffer the pain of antitrust legislation all the
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days of your existence.
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This was the start of the second week, and it seems an appropriate place
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to conclude our report. In case you missed something, a summary of key
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points follows.
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Users and their needs are and always have been a subject of dispute.
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Nobody can learn English because it is cursed by God. IBM manuals are doubly
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cursed and therefore twice as hard to understand. Of the programming
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languages, only COBOL can claim divine origin. People are people, but
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programmers are something else.
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Computers may be a gift from heaven, but there's no divine help in
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getting them to work. Because of IBM's initial assignment, there are more
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forms than anyone knows what to do with. Finally, chaos was part of the
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original state of the Universe and not a product of the data processing
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industry.
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