textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/flame_sc.hoo

   [By J. Shrager, reprinted from the CMU opinion board via the
    SU-SCORE bboard.]

Ever dreamed of flaming with the Big Boys?  ...  Had that desire to write an
immense diatribe, berating de facto all your peers who hold contrary
opinions?  ...  Felt the urge to have your fingers moving without being
connected to your brain?   Well, by simply sending in the form on the back
of this bboard post, you could begin climbing into your pulpit alongside
greats from all walks of life such as Chomsky, Weizenbaum, Reagan, Von
Danneken, Ellison, Abzug, Arafat and many many more.  You don't even have to
leave the comfort of your armchair!

Here's how it works:  Each week we send you a new lesson.  You read the
notes and then simply write one essay each week on the assigned topic.  Your
essays will be read by our expert pool of professional flamers and graded on
Sparsity, Style, Overtness, Incoherence, and a host of other important
aspects.  You will receive a long letter from your specially selected
advisor indicating in great detail why you obviously have the intellectual
depth of a soap dish.  This apprenticeship is all there is to it.

Here are some examples of the courses offered by The School:

	Classical Flames:  You will study the flamers who started it all.
For example, Descarte's much quoted demonstration that reality isn't.
Special attention is paid, in this course, to the old and new testaments and
how western flaming was influenced by their structure.  (The Bible plays a
particularly important role in our program and most courses will spend at
least some time tracing biblical origins or associations of their special
topic.  See, particularly, the special seminar on Space Cadetism, which
concentrate on ESP and UFO phenomena.)

	Contemporary Flame Technique:  Attention is paid to the detail of
flame form in this course.  The student will practice the subtle and overt ad
hominem argument; fact avoidance maneuvers; "at length" writing style; over
generalization; and other important factor which make the modern flame
inaccessible to the general populace.  Readings from Russell ("Now I will
admit that some unusually stupid children of ten may find this material a
bit difficult to fathom..."), Skinner (primarily concentrating on his Verbal
Learning), Sagan (on abstract overestimation) and many others.  This course
is most concerned with politicians (sometimes, redundantly, referred to as
"political flamers") since their speech writers are particularly adept at
the technique that we wish to foster.

	Appearing Brilliant (thanks to the Harvard Lampoon): Nobel laureates
lecture on topics of world important but which are very much outside their
field of expertise.  There is a large representation of Nobels in physics:
the discoverer of the UnCharmed Pi Mesa Beta Quark explains how the
population explosion can be averted through proper reculterization of
mothers; and professor Nikervator, first person to properly develop the
theory of faster-than-sound "Whizon" docking choreography, tells us how mind
is the sole theological entity.

	Special seminar in terminology:  The name that you give something is
clearly more important than its semantics.  Experts in nomenclature
demonstrate their skills.  Pulitzer Prize winner Douglas Hofstadter makes up
15,000 new words whose definitions, when read sideways prove the existence
of themselves and constitute fifteen months of columns in Scientific
American.  A special round table of drug company and computer corporation
representatives discuss how to construct catchy names for new products and
never give the slightest hint to the public about what they mean.

	Writing the Scientific Journal Flame: Our graduates will be able to
compete in the modern world of academic and industrial research flaming,
where the call is high for trained pontificators.  The student reads short
sections from several fields and then may select a field of concentration
for detailed study.

Here is an example description of a detailed scientific flaming seminar:

	Computer Science: This very new field deals directly with the very
metal of the flamer's tools: information and communication.  The student
selecting computer science will study several areas including, but not
exclusively:

   Artificial Intelligence: Roger Schank explains the design of his
   flame understanding and generation engine (RUSHIN) and will
   explain how the techniques that it employs constitute a complete
   model of mind, brain, intelligence, and quantum electrodynamics.
   For contrast, Marvin Minsky does the same.  Weizenbaum tells us,
   with absolutely no data or alternative model, why AI is logically
   impossible, and moreover, immoral.

   Programming Languages: A round table is held between Wirth, Hoare,
   Dijkstra, Iverson, Perlis, and Jean Samett, in order to keep them
   from killing each other.

   Machines and systems: Fred Brooks and Gordon Bell lead a field of
   experts over the visual cliff of hardware considerations.

The list of authoratative lectures goes on and on.  In addition, an
inspiring introduction by Feigenbaum explains how important it is that flame
superiority be maintained by the United States in the face of the recent
challenges from Namibia and the Panama Canal Zone.

But there's more.  Not only will you read famous flamers in abundance,
but you will actually have the opportunity to "run with the pack".
The Famous Flamer's School has arranged to provide access for all computer
science track students, to the famous ARPANet where students will be able to
actually participate in discussions of earthshaking current importance, along
with the other brilliant young flamers using this nationwide resource.
You'll read and write about whether keyboards should have a space bar across
the whole bottom or split under the thumbs; whether or not Emacs is God, and
which deity is the one true editor; whether the brain actually cools the
body or not; whether the earth revolves around the sun or vice versa -- and
much more.  Your contributions will be whisked across the nation, faster
than throwing a 2400 foot magtape across the room, into the minds of
thousands of other electrolusers whose brain cells will merge with yours for
the moment that thy read your personal opinion of matters of true science!
What importance!

We believe that the program we've constructed is very special and will
provide, for the motivated student, an atmosphere almost completely content
free in which his or her ideas can flow in vacuity.  So, take the moment to
indicate your name, address, age, and hat size by filling out the rear of
this post and mailing it to:

	FAMOUS FLAMER'S SCHOOL
	c/o Locker number 6E
	Grand Central Station North
	New York, NY.

Act now or forever hold your peace.