120 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
120 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
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| The FLAMERS BIBLE |
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Origin: Unknown (actually, I wrote the first one a few months
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ago, but I thought "origin: unknown" looks cool)
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Revision 1: Dec. 2, 1987 by Joe Talmadge
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In the time I have been posting to net, I have encountered flame
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wars of epic proportions (Brahms Gang vs. Tim Maroney), and flame
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wars of a more modest nature (MIT vs. CIT). Flaming has evolved
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into a highly-stylized art form, complete with unwritten rules
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and guidelines.
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Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a
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way as it will be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and
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novices (virgins) alike. Without a further ado, then, I present:
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***********The twelve commandments of flaming**************
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1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make
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your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word
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"clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to
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boot."
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2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've
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heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly,
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you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly
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Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she
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has a bad case of penis envy."
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3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting
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for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From
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rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their
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breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
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4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason
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can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a
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conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a
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favor by exposing it.
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5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like
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the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always
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considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the
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wrong group, Bertha has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized
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me. See you in court, Bertha."
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6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus
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states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you
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should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an
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article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously
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lying.
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7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua
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franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least
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three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad
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nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".
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8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
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convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
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State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America.
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Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high
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school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can
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also spell the word 'premeiotic' ".
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9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an
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American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net
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(as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries
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to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is
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either a communist, a fascist, or both.
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10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your
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opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe,
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you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY
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DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
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11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
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12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules,
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remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as
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a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone
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who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear
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apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At
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this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!!
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"Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."
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The Golden Rule of Flaming:
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My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic,
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or sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.
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Here endeth the scriptures.
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Joe Talmadge
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hplabs!hpda!hpsemc!jat
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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