539 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
539 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
Article 418 of eunet.jokes:
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Xref: puukko junk:8031 eunet.jokes:418
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Path: puukko!santra!tut!enea!mcvax!ukc!reading!onion!cf-cm!cybaswan!cs9h7hhw
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From: cs9h7hhw@cybaswan.UUCP (h.williams)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor,eunet.jokes
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Subject: Dec-Wars
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Keywords: dec wars
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Message-ID: <22@cybaswan.UUCP>
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Date: 30 Jun 88 14:53:17 GMT
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Lines: 525
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As I haven't been on the net long, I don't know if this has been on before,
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but I found it quite ammusing ...
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XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X
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X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
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X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X
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X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X
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X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X
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XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X
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It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
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directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative
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Empire.
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During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
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Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program
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with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the
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Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0: races aboard her
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shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people,
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and restore freedom and games to the network...
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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As we enter the scene, an Administrative Multiplexer is trying to
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kill a consulate ship. Many of their signals have gotten through, and
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RS232 decides it's time to fork off a new process before this old
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ship is destroyed. His companion, 3CPU, is following him only
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because he appears to know where he's going...
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"I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232
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into the buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their
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process detached itself from the burning shell of the ship.
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The commander of the Administrative Multiplexer was quite pleased
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with the attack. "Another process just forked, sir. Instructions?"
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asked the lieutenant. "Hold your fire. That last power failure
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must have caused a trap through zero. It's not using any cpu time, so
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don't waste a signal on it."
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"We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic."
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"What about that forked process? It could have been holding the
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channel open, and just pausing. If any links exist, I want them
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removed or made inaccessable. Ncheck the entire file system
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'til it's found, and nice it -20 if you have to."
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Meanwhile, in our wandering process... "Are you sure you
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can ptrace this thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU
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to RS232. This thing's been stripped, and I'm in no mood to try
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and debug it." The lone process finishes execution, only to find
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our friends dumped on a lonely file system, with the setuid inode stored
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safely in RS232. Not knowing what else to do, they wandered around
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until the jawas grabbed them.
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Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who is out to get some
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replacement parts for his uncle. The jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU,
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but 3CPU didn't know how to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so
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Luke would still needed some sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to.
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"How about this little RS232 unit ?" asked 3CPU. "I've dealt with him
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many times before, and he does an excellent job at keeping his bits
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straight." Luke was pressed for time, so he took 3CPU's advice, and
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the three left before they could get swapped out.
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However, RS232 is not the type to stay put once you remove
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the retaining screws. He promptly scurried off into the the deserted
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disk space. "Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box
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with the only link to that file off floating in the free disk space.
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Well, 3CPU, we better go find him before he gets allocated by someone
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else." The two set off, and finaly traced RS232 to the home of
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PDP-1 Kenobi, who was busily trying to run an icheck on the little
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RS unit. "Is this thing yours? His indirect addresses are all goofed
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up, and the size is all wrong. Leave things like this on the loose,
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and you'll wind up with dups everywhere. However, I think I've got
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him fixed up."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Later that evening, after futile attempts to interface RS232 to Kenobi's
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Asteroids cartridge, Luke accidentally crossed the small 'droid's CXR and
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Initiate Remote Test (must have been all that Coke he'd consumed), and the
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screen showed a very distressed person claiming royal lineage making a plea
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for help from some General OS/1 Kenobi.
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"Darn," mumbled Luke. "I'll never get this Asteroids game worked out."
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PDP-1 seemed to think there was some significance to the message and a
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possible threat to Luke's home directory. If the Administrative Empire
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was indeed tracing this 'droid, it was likely they would more than charge
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for cpu time...
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"We must get that 'droid off this file system," he said after some intervals.
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They sped off to warn Luke's kin (taking a `relative' path) only to find a
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vacant directory...
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cat: some directory in the specified path does not exist:
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/usr/Tatooine/owen/lars
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
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directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /owen/lars, across the
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surface of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had
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Luke stop at the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
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"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program," said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
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wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
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As our heroes' process entered /usr/spool/news, it was met by a newsgroup
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of Administrative protection bits.
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"State your UID," commanded their parent process.
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"We're running under /usr/guest," said Luke. "This is our first time on this
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system."
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"Where did you get these file processes?" the parent process ls -l'ed.
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"We are just in from the remote terminals." replied Luke.
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"They could be transferred to your filespace, for the right amount of AU's"
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said PDP-1 Kenobi.
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"Can I see some temporary privileges, please?"
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"Uh..."
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"This is not the process you are looking for," piped in PDP-1, using an
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obscure bug to momentarily set his effective UID to root. "We can go
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about our business."
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"This isn't the process we want. You are free to go about your
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business. MOV along!"
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PDP-1 and Luke made their way through a long and tortuous nodelist
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(cwruecmp!decvax!ucbvax!harpo!ihnss!ihnsc!ihnss!ihps3!stolaf)
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to a dangerous netnode frequented by hackers, and seldom polled by
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Administrative Multiplexers. As Luke stepped up to the bus, PDP-1 went in
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search of a likely file descriptor. Luke had never seen such a
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collection of weird and exotic device drivers. Long ones, short ones,
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ones with stacks, EBCDIC converters, and direct binary interfaces all
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were drinking data at the bus.
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"#@{ *&^%^$$#@ ":><?><," transmitted a particularly unstructured piece
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of code.
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"He doesn't like you," decoded his coroutine.
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"Sorry," replied Luke, beginning to backup his partitions.
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"I don't like you either. I am queued for deletion on 12 systems."
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"I'll be careful."
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"You'll be reallocated!" concatenated the coroutine.
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"This little routine isn't worth the overhead," said PDP-1 Kenobi,
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overlaying into Luke's address space.
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"@$%&(&^%&$$@$#@$AV^$gfdfRW$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" encoded the first
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coroutine as it attempted to overload PDP-1's input overvoltage
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protection. With a unary stroke of his bytesaber, Kenobi unlinked
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the offensive code.
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"I think I've found an I/O device that might suit us."
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"The name's Con Solo," said the hacker next to PDP-1. "I hear you're
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looking for some relocation."
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"Yes indeed, if it's a fast channel. We must get off this device."
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"Fast channel? The Milliamp Falcon has made the ARPA gate in less than
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twelve nodes! Why, I've even outrun cancelled messages. It's fast
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enough for you, old version."
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Our heroes, Luke Vaxhacker and PDP-1 Kenobi made their way to the
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temporary file structure. When he saw the hardware, Luke exclaimed,
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"What a piece of junk! That's just a paper tape reader!"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives spoke
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only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33.
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"It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as usual)
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trying to do several things at once. Lights flashed in Con Solo's eyes
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as he whirled to face the parallel processor.
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"I've added a few jumpers. The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops around
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any Administrative TTY fighter. She's fast enough for you."
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"Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobi.
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"Two Bacco, here, my Bookie."
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"Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell silent,
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or over. Luke couldn't tell which way was top underneath all those leaves.
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Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly. They turned just in time to see
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a write cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them. "Administrative Bus
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Signals!"
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shouted Con Solo. "Let's boot this pop stand! Tooie, set clock fast!"
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"Ok, Con," said Luke. "You said this crate was fast enough. Get us out
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of here!"
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"Shut up, kid! Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system space!
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I'll try to keep their buffers full."
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As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious characters
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appeared around the Milliamp Falcon. "They're firing!" shouted Luke. "Can't
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you do something?"
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"Making the jump to system space takes time, kid. One missed cycle and you
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could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!"
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"Three to five we can go now," said the bookie. Bright chunks of position
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independent code flashed by the cockpit as the Milliamp Falcon jumped through
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the kernel page tables. As the crew breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie
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started paying off bets.
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"Not bad, for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU. "Though
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there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity."
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The story thus far: Luke, PDP-1 and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU have made
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good their escape from the Administrative Bus Signals with the aid of Con Solo
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and the bookie, Two Bacco. The Milliamp Falcon hurtles onward through
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system space. Meanwhile, on a distant page in user space...
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Princess _LPA0: was ushered into the conference room, followed closely by
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Dec Vadic. "Governor Tarchive," she spat, "I should have expected to
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find you holding Vadics lead. I recognized your unique pattern when I was
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first brought aboard." She eyed the 0177545 tatooed on his header coldly.
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"Charming to the last," Tarchive declared menacingly. "Vadic, have you
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retrieved any information?"
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"Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped.
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"Perhaps we would get faster results if we increased the supply voltage..."
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"You've had your chance, Vadic. Now I would like the princess to witness
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the test that will make this workstation fully operational. Today we
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enable the -r beam option, and we've chosen the princess' $HOME of
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/usr/alderaan as the primary target."
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"No! You can't! /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no restricted
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permissions. We have no backup tapes! You can't..."
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"Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped.
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A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in /usr.
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"1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3. Inode 1248, /mnt/dantooine."
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She turned away.
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Tarchive sighed with satisfaction. "There, you see, Lord Vadic? She can
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be reasonable. Proceed with the operation."
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It took several clock ticks for the words to penetrate. "What!" _LPA0:
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gasped.
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"/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem," Tarchive explained. "We require a
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more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the Are-Em Star workstation.
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We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as possible."
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As the princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a nearby
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terminal. There was a brief pause, there being only one processor on board,
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and the viewscreen showed, ".: not found." The princess suddenly double-
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spaced and went off-line.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on through system space...
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Con Solo finished checking the various control and status registers, finally
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convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the
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terminator. As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke.
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Solo wasn't concerned--the Bookie always got a little hot under the collar
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when he was losing at chess. In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly
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clever MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data paths. The Bookie, who had
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been setting the odds on the game, was caught holding all the cards. A
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little strange for a chess game...
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Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to notice
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the commotion.
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"On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it. Remember,
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the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night. It is used to trim
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offensive lines of code. Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere.
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Listen for the Carrier."
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Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air next to
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him. This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks perfectly.
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Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed. "Forget this
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bit-slicing stuff. Give me a good ROM blaster any day."
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"~~j~~hhji~~," said Kenobi, with no clear inflection. He fell silent for a
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few seconds, and reasserted his control.
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"What happened?" asked Luke.
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"Strange," said PDP-1. "I felt a momentary glitch in the Carrier. It's
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equalized now."
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"We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR. As they
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cruised safely through stack frames, the emerged in the new context only
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to be bombarded by freeblocks.
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"What the..." gasped Solo. The screen showed clearly:
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/usr/alderaan: not found
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"It's the right inode, but it's been cleared! Twoie, where's the nearest
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file?"
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"3 to 5 there's one..." the Bookie started to say, but was interrupted by
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a bright flash off to the left.
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"Administrative TTY fighters!" shouted Solo. "A whole DZ of them! Where
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are they coming from?"
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"Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobi. "They all have direct EIA
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connections."
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As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly. Luke noticed the
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link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly.
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"This is no regular file," murmured Kenobi. "Look at the ODS directory
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structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor feed."
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"There's no way we'll unlink in time," said Solo. "We're going in."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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When we last left Luke, the Milliamp Falcon was being pulled down to the
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open collector of the Administrative Are-Em Star Workstation. Dec Vadic
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surveys the relic as Administrative Flunkies search for passengers...
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"LS scan shows no one aboard, sir," was the report. Vadic was unconvinced.
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"Send a fully equipped Ncheck squad on board," he said. "I want every
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inode checked out." He turned around (secondary channel) and stalked off.
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On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled. "They just walked in,
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looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't they see us?"
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.Con smiled. "An old munchkin trick," he explained. "See that period in
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front of your name?"
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.Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point. "Where'd that
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come from?" he asked.
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"Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the floating
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point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks accross file
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system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself.
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They aren't going to be fooled for long, though. We'd better figure a way
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outa here."
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-----------------------------------------
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"Hold on," said Con. "It says we have `new mail.' Is that an error?"
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"%SYS-W-NORMAL, Normal, successful completion," said PDP-1. "Doesn't
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look like it. I've found the inode for the Milliamp Falcon. It's locked
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in kernel data space. I'll have to slip in and patch the reference count,
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alone." He disappeared through a nearby entry point.
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Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell started
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ringing loudly. "He keeps saying, `She's on line, she's on line'," said
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3CPU. "I believe he means Princess _LPA0:. She's being held on one of
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the privileged levels."
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-----------------------------------------
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"Good day, eh?" said the first guard.
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"How's it goin', eh?" said the other. "Like, what's that, eh?"
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"Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con.
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"Take off, it is not," said the first guard. "Nobody told US about it, and
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we're not morons, eh?"
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At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted "Look out,
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he's loose!" and they all started blasting ROMs left and right. The guards
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started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when the ROM
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blasters were turned on them.
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"Quickly, now," said Con. "What buffer is she in? It's not going to take
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long for these..."
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The intercom receiver interrupted him, so he took out its firmware with a
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short blast.
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"guys to figure out something is goin' on," he continued.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ok, like, remember we left our heroes in the detention priority level? Well,
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they're still there...
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Luke quickly located the interface card and followed the cables to a sound-
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proof enclosure. He lifted the lid and peered at the mechanism inside.
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"Aren't you a little slow for ECL?" printed princess _LPA0:.
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"Wha? Oh, the Docksiders," stammered Luke. He took off his shoes (for
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industry) and explained, "I've come relocate you. I'm Luke Vaxhacker."
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Suddenly, forms started bursting around them. "They've blocked the queue!"
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shouted Solo. "There's only one return from this stack!"
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"OVER HERE!" printed _LPA0: with overstrikes. "THROUGH THIS LOOPHOLE!"
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Luke and the princess disappeared into a nearby feature.
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"Gritch, gritch," mumbled Two Bacco, obviously reluctant to trust
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an Administrative oversight.
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"I don't care how crufty it is!" shouted Con, pushing the Bookie toward
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the crock. "DPB yourself in there now!"
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With one last blast that reprogrammed two flunkies, Con joined them.
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The "feature" landed them right in the middle of the garbage collection
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data. Pieces of data that hadn't been used in weeks floated past in
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a pool of decaying bits.
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"Bletch!" was Con's first comment. "Bletch, bletch," was his second.
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The Bookie looked as if he'd just paid a long shot, and the odds in this
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situation weren't much better.
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Luke was polling the garbage when he stumbled upon a book with the words
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"Don't Panic" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. "This
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can't possibly help us now," he said as he tossed the book away.
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The Bookie was about to lay odds on it when Luke suddenly disappeared.
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He popped up accross the pool, shouting, "This is no feature! It's a bug!"
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and promptly vanished again.
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Con and the princess were about to panic() when Luke reappeared. "What
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happened?" they asked in parallel.
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"I don't know," gasped Luke. "The bug just dissolved automagically.
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Maybe it hit a breakpoint..."
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"I don't think so," said Con. "Look how the pool is shrinking. I've
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got a bad feeling about this..."
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The princess was the first to realize what was going on. "They've implemented
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a new compaction algorithm!" she exclaimed.
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Luke remembered the pipe he had open to 3CPU. "Shut down garbage collection
|
||
on recursion level 5!" he shouted.
|
||
|
||
Back in the control room, RS232 searched the process table for the lisp
|
||
interpreter. "Hurry," sent 3CPU. "Hurry, hurry," added his other two
|
||
processors. RS232 found the interpreter, interrupted it, and altered
|
||
the stack frame they'd fallen into to allow a normal return.
|
||
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Meanwhile, PDP-1 made his way deep into the core of the Workstation,
|
||
slipping from context to context, undetected through his manipulation
|
||
of label_t. Finally, causing a random trap (through nofault of his own)
|
||
he arrived at the inode table. Activity there was always high, but the
|
||
Spl6 sentries were too secure in their knowledge that no user could
|
||
interrupt them to notice the bug that PDP-1 carefully introduced. On a
|
||
passing iput, he adjusted the device and inode numbers, maintaining parity,
|
||
to free the Milliamp Falcon. They would be long gone before the locked
|
||
inode was diagnosed...
|
||
|
||
Unobserved, he began traversing user structures to find the process where
|
||
the Milliamp Falcon was grounded. Finding it and switching context,
|
||
he discovered his priority weakened suddenly. "That's not very nice,"
|
||
was all he could say before the cause of the obstruction became clear.
|
||
|
||
"I have been pausing a long time, PDP-1 Kenobi," rasped Dec Vadic. "We
|
||
meet again at last. The circuit has been completed."
|
||
|
||
They looped several times, locking byte sabers. Bit by bit, PDP-1 appeared
|
||
to weaken. The fight had come into the address space of the Milliamp
|
||
Falcon, and provided the .di (diversion?) that allowed Luke and the others
|
||
to reassert control. Luke paused to watch the conflict.
|
||
|
||
"If my blade finds its mark," warned Kenobi, "you will be reduced to so
|
||
many bits. But if you slice me down, I will only gain computing power."
|
||
|
||
"Your documentation no longer confuses me, old version," growled Vadic.
|
||
"my Role MASTER now."
|
||
|
||
With one stroke, Vadic sliced Kenobi's last word. Unfortunately, the word
|
||
was still in Kenobi's throat. The word fell clean in two, but Kenobi was
|
||
nowhere to be found. Vadic noticed his victim's uid go negative, just
|
||
before he disappeared. Odd, he thought, since uids were unsigned...
|
||
|
||
Luke witnessed all this, and had to be dragged into the Milliamp Falcon.
|
||
Con Solo and Two Bacco maneuvered the Milliamp Falcon out of the process,
|
||
onto the bus and made straight for system space. 3CPU and RS232 were
|
||
idle, for once. Princess _LPA0: tried to print comforting things for him,
|
||
but Luke was still hung from the loss of his friend. Then, seemingly from
|
||
nowhere, he thought he heard PDP-1's voice say,
|
||
|
||
"May the carrier be with you."
|
||
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
AND I BET YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT PART -
|
||
|
||
|
||
"DECWARS II - THE OPERATORS STRIKE BACK"
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
----
|
||
********************************************************************************
|
||
* * *
|
||
* / / / * Address: cs9h7hhw@pyr.swan.ac.uk *
|
||
* /--/ / / / / /~~~> / * *
|
||
* / / /__/ /_/_/ \____ /__ * Undergraduate Computer science at *
|
||
* / * University College of Swansea *
|
||
* `-' Hywel Williams * *
|
||
* * *
|
||
********************************************************************************
|
||
|
||
|
||
|