196 lines
9.6 KiB
Plaintext
196 lines
9.6 KiB
Plaintext
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The SysOp's Guide to D00Dspeak
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A phenomenon exists across the BBSs in this nation which makes it difficult
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to understand a portion of the users on these systems. Where once English and
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plain communication presided there now exists a growing vile undercurrent:
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This scourge is D00Dspeak.
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The world of computers contains jargon and babble that would confuse the
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uninitiated, but this new lexicon of clever children can reduce even those in-
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the-know to blathering idiots in short order. Before you can take the steps
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to become fluent, you must understand it's origins:
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* WHAT IS A D00D?
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A dude is a computer user who has a modem and seeks to differentiate himself
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from un-d00dz. Since the nature of BBS communications make it nearly
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impossible to base prejudice against a user from external clues like
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appearance, speech patterns, and general poise; d00dz provide the missing
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plumage through "clever" misuse of the English language and the ASCII
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character set.
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* NATURE AND FEEDING HABITS
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A d00d is typically a teenage computer user of often higher intelligence than
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his non-computer peers. Though the very use of the computer tends to signify
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the potential for higher-reasoning, this innate ability is discarded for the
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motif of the carefree know-it-all-and-then-some user.
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Physical characteristics are difficult to assimilate into one stereotype as
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d00dz can be observed only via indirect means. D00dz are primarily active
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during the 3 pm to 9:30 pm period during weekdays but may prowl at any time
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during weekends and school holidays.
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Secondary behavioral characteristics include, but are not limited to, in-
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depth involvement with sociopathic fantasies, feigned homophobia, scathing
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rebuttals to innocent enquiries by other users, preoccupation with the
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construction of explosive devices, crude discussions of sexual activity and
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genitalia, and base references to human excretory functions.
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D00dz seem to draw sustenance only from fast-food franchises and solemnly
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attest to their consumption of large volumes of alcoholic beverages.
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Though often a d00d has no first-hand knowledge with going on a lost weekend,
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it is not unusual to see one claim to have "gotten so wasted" as to not be
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able to finish "the third bottle of 151". "Cafeteria" food seems to repel
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d00dz, as they prefer to spend their lunch money on pizza and Big Macs.
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* DISTINGUISHING A D00D FROM AN AVERAGE USER
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D00dz have the ability to blend into the general user population if needed,
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but sometimes forget their attempt at stealth. Though the d00d may not exude
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blatant warning signs, subtle differences can be discovered upon careful
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scrutiny.
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A d00d is far from k00l if he doesn't have a "signature". It is nearly a
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requisite that this signature contain several of the foreign characters found
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in the IBM high-ASCII set. Examples:
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#g#$t #$#r## ##r#+# M#s+#r (The !-k#r?
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#!. |\|a#h-M D**P -hr/#! ##pt#a- !#r#
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Advanced versions have animation, every color available via ANSI control
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codes, and occupy 70% or better of the total message.
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A d00d has the yearning desire to run a limited-access BBS for all his k00l
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friends. Often these systems traffic only in pirated game software, erroneous
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phreaking information, and text files describing various felonious acts. Due
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to funding constraints, these BBSes are usually limited in hours to 10am until
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10pm. But if you call "NOW!!!!!!" you can be a co-sysop. This is a big help
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if you like to steal other user's passwords and home phone numbers.
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D00dz tend to ignore (or misuse), punctuation leave incomplete sentences
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"dangling, and; sometimes. Run-on sentences are also very favorite.
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Sexual intercourse occupies a large portion of a d00d's higher brain
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activity. Often a d00d will exaggerate about the sexual partners he has
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"had", but when pressed for details will only respond with a meek "well, if
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you don't know by now, I ain't gonna tell you..." In place of voluptuous
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"babes - eager for it", a d00d will substitute every single XXX-rated .GIF
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your BBS has available. Astute sysops will relabel Disney characters as:
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BAMBI .GIF 720k : Awesome piece of meat who likes it in the woods!!!
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BASHFUL .GIF 601k : One of seven hot, hot images - over 21 only!!!
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GOOFY .GIF 422k : XXX - You've never seen it like this before!!!
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Color is also a significant tip-off. If a user tends to use color for no
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apparent purpose, chances are he is a d00d.
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* DANGERS OF D00DZ
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D00dz are intrinsically harmless to your computer and BBS. However, just as
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barnacles on a ship impede it's progress, a d00d can cause your system to
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become an electronic wasteland devoid of anything resembling stimulating
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conversation.
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Though your BBS will use the same amount of electricity whether or not a d00d
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is monopolizing it, the purpose of most BBSes extends slightly beyond creating
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a Romper Room for introverted teenagers. Every minute that a d00d spends on
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your system is one less minute that an intelligent (or even literate) caller
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could have utilized.
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Further, d00dz tend to litter your hard disk with pirated and corrupt files,
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pointless messages (sent in the hope of beating the post/call ratio), and
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other sorts of tripe than can be the cause of hypertension and other SysOp
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physical ailments.
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Discouraging d00dz from calling and eliminating those who manage to call
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anyway is a highly rewarding activity. Call-back user verification seems to
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work wonders for this, but some SysOps may care to take a more active stance:
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1> Randomly change user CTRL-x macros to user's real phone number.
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2> Forward d00d's private mail to another d00d. Get a "conspiracy"
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going with two against another. Works especially well with #1.
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3> Periodically jiggle the phone on its cradle during long downloads.
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4> Modify BBS source code to interpret "/S" as "/ABT" for certain
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security levels. Assign d00dz this SL.
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5> Set up a private sub that has lists of FBI phone numbers labeled
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as "extender codez". Allow only d00dz to see it.
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6> Send $1, in the d00dz real name, to an evangelical Christian fellowship.
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Include his address, home phone number, and mention he is hospitalized
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with a terminal illness and is going to be writing his will soon.
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7> Set your BBS to make 4:30am d00d-check call during nightly routines.
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8> Call d00d with your voice line every time you see him logged on to be
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sure he figured out how to disable call waiting.
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9> Randomly press F3 during d00d activity.
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10> Create "AWESOME!!! on-line game" that subtracts 20 points from user's
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security level. Have it send 300 ASCII "beeps" each time its run.
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11> Delete any user with "Captain", "Agent", "Master", "Ninja" or numerals
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as part of his name.
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12> Modify editor to abort any message with more than two consecutive "!"s.
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13> Modify editor to time out on any user who uses "sucks" more than twice.
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14> Modify BBS to delete anyone who attempts to chat again after being told
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"SysOp not available, use feedback instead".
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15> Modify "Flashing Red" color sequence (CTRL-P, 7) to hang up on user.
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D00dz are persistent. These techniques will not permanently deter a die-
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hard, but time wounds all heels. Eventually, if you delay him enough, he will
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reach late puberty and will spend more of his time asking his parents for car
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keys than bothering you. This is the moment to savor - he has left your BBS
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and will now spend the next two or three years resurfacing the streets with
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rubber at each and every stoplight...
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* THE LEXICON OF D00DSPEAK
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filez This term refers to "files". D00dz have a fixation with the
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letter "Z".
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d00d The subject of this profile. Slightly higher than goldfish in
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attention span.
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k00l Refers to the relative acceptance level of an idea or object.
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Also provides clues as to how many "babez" the d00d has "had".
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l8tr Refers to a time in the future. Typically disguises d00d's age.
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welp Babies are born, birds are hatched, d00dz are welped.
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elite A misnomer that suggests special privileges. Often allows
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access to all 71 disks of Leisure Suit Larry XXIII.
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phreaking A special method whereby d00dz can involve their parents in
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the hobby by having men in grey sedans follow the parents
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everywhere.
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codez Another "Z" term. Refers to special symbols and incantations
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a d00d may use to encourage the men in the grey sedans to
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arrive faster, in larger numbers, and bearing litigation.
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PBX Private Branch Exchange. Assists d00dz in spending 126 hours
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hacking library card catalog systems.
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BTW By The Way. Often used as shorthand by "power-d00dz".
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duz (that mean something?)
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(sys)'OP Refers to the person who provides free babysitting for d00dz.
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warez Special software that is commercially sold and stolen by
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d00dz. Typically a video game, often missing vital portions.
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yo! The preamble to any sentence a d00d speaks.
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awesome The adjective to any sentence a d00d speaks.
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!(!!!!!!) The postscript qualifier to any d00d sentence that contains
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more than one word.
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. Hypothetical - but never observed - postscript qualifier to
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a d00d sentence.
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* Special d00d color. Possibly religious symbolism.
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ATH0 The "final solution" for the vile scourge of d00dspeak.
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