198 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
198 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia, Analyst/Programmer)
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Subject: THE LAST BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL
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Date: 29 Nov 93 07:16:38 +1300
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The LAST Bastard Operator from HELL!
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------------------------------------
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I get back from Britian and return to my old stomping grounds to take up
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a post as an Analyst/Programmer... As an A/P I'm expected to work weird
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hours so I start putting in some 9 to 5 shifts to see what it's like.
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It's weird all right. I don't like it.
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I go to the computer room to check out my machine, only I'm not the Operator
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any more, so I've got no access. I call the Operator. He answers.
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Bad sign.
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"Can I get access to the Computer Room?" I ask, respectfully
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"Well..." he pauses ".. what do you want to do?"
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Indecisive. It gets worse! He should've come straight out and said that
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the day a user gets access to HIS computer room is the day he'll be
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crated up and freighted to the big Computer Room in the sky to meet the
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Chief Operator!
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"Just look at my machines" I say..
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"Um, well, we're not supposed to let programmers in here unless it's an
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emergency" he blubs.
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Dear oh dear. It's almost as if he's apologising! I can't take any more
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of it so I just wander off. He calls after me in apology and it turns my
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stomach. Watching something you've carefully built up with neglect and
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mindless acts of violence just crumble away in front of your eyes!
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I can't let it end this way! There must be something I can do...
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I go back to my room and open the sealed envelope that I was saving for
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my retirement nest-egg.
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I shuffle through the signed bits of paper, photographs and dictaphone
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tapes till I find what I want. The photo's a bit faded and blurred, but
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the people in the picture can still be made out. I get on the phone.
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"HELLO?". The Big Boss himself answers
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"Hi there, Simon from the Computer Centre. I think I found something of yours"
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"WHAT?"
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"A photo. One in a series of 24"
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"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I'M A BUSY MAN - DON'T WASTE MY TIME!"
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"Well, it's a photo of you, a couple of female friends, and something that
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looks like it has some agricultural purpose"
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"oh. Yes, I was wondering where that got to. If you could just drop in
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in an envelope and send it to me personally..."
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"I don't think so..."
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"Well, it's obviously a fake. Where would you get such a thing?"
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"Your office. You left the door open one night"
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"That's ridiculous, my door's electronically locked every night"
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"By computer?.."
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"Oh. What do you want?"
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"The New Operators"
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"Ok, I'll have the fired.."
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"NO! Then you'll get some more and they'll be as bad!"
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"Then what do you want?"
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"TO TRAIN THEM!"
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----------------------------------
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A couple of days later the training session begins. Unfortunately, I only
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get one operator to train as the other one resigned when he heard I wanted
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to talk to him. Still one's better than none.
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We start from the very beginning..
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"Ok, let's just go into this. How do you feel about users?"
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"They're ok, I suppose" he answers
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"OK?"
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"Well, they can be a pain at times"
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"at times?"
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"Well, a lot of the time?"
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"A lot?"
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"OK, ALL THE TIME! I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM! ALWAYS RINGING ME UP WANTING
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TO GET MORE DISK OR CONNECT TIME, WHINING AT ME IN THEIR PATHETIC VOICES,
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COMPLAINING ABOUT RESPONSE TIME. I HATE THEM!"
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"Right. There. You see, you did know the answer after all. Second question,
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What do we do for users?"
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"What they want?"
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"No"
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"What we think they want?"
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"No"
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"What WE want?"
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"No"
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"i DON'T KNOW!"
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"I see. Well, the answer is, we do nothing FOR users. We do things TO users.
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It's a fine distinction, but an important one all the same. Now, what do we
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do TO users?"
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"What we want?"
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"Exactly"
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"And WHY do we do it?"
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"Because they deserve it?"
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"No..."
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"To convince users not to call?"
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"No again. We do what we do because we ENJOY it. And because we can get
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away with it."
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"Oh! I suppose you're right"
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"I KNOW I'm right. And if I'm not, I'm STILL right, because I'm the
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Operator. It's that simple! If you remember that phrase, there's
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nothing you can't do. Now the last question. What exactly do we do
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to users?"
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"Delete their files, scrap their backups, invade their privacy..."
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"No Agent Starling. That is a mere bagatelle. What we do is BREAK them.
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What's the point of deleting their files if they never use them? What's
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the point in reading someone's private correspondence if you're not going
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to let the user know you did it then tell their friends or parents? Why
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scrap someone's backups unless they need them? You have to break the
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users will so that they realise that they're the simple-minded sheep we
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know they are!"
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"I see"
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"Of course. I'll be off now, don't ever let me catch me in the Computer
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Room again!"
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"Thank you sir"
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"Sir?"
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"Oh. Get out of my Computer Room!"
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"That's more like it!"
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The mantle is passed.
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"Oh" my new operator calls as I leave, "I can't remember what your backup
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tape looked like. Is this it here on the Bulk Eraser?"
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>HMMMMMMMMM<
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AAAAAGH!
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--
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Coming Soon: The last absoluteley complete repost
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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,----.
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/ The \ <- You are here Simon Travaglia, spt@waikato.ac.nz
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| World | I am here -> University of Waikato Computer Centre
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\ / Priv. Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand
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`----' Let's do lunch!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nothing makes a man and wife feel closer, these days, than a joint tax return.
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