84 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
84 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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* *
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* BEERS OF THE (SOFTWARE) WORLD *
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DOS Beer:
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Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
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directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-
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oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
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compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to
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be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it
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after it's no longer available.
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Mac Beer:
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At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered
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by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take
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one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the
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can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
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need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the
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trashcan.
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Windows 3.1 Beer:
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The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
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Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you
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to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only
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drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
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Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can
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of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
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OS/2 Beer:
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Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
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simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too,
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but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open
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them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2
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Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
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million six-packs have been sold.
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Windows 95 Beer:
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You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim
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it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more
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like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside,
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the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
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drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say
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they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has
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some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the
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manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
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Windows NT Beer:
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Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
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most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks
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just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to
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look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping.
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Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in
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bars.
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Unix Beer:
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Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
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Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim
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that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-
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tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can
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opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete
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set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for
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several years.
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AmigaDOS Beer:
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The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up
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by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This
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beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't
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understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely
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loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in
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32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
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flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so
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it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for
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watching TV anyway.
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VMS Beer:
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Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
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However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
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un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development
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environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients,
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you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the
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manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the
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Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have
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actually seen it.
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