125 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
125 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
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YUPPIE CHRISTMAS... by Keith Blanchard from The Princeton Tiger
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru' the condo,
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Not a creature was stirring whose car had known Bondo.
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The Gucci's were hung by the chimney with care
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In hopes that the neighbors would notice them there.
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The dependents were nestled, all snug in their beds
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While Porsches and charge accounts danced in their heads
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And my dove and I, watching T.V. cable stations
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Had just settled down to three weeks paid vacation.
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When out in the drive there arose such a clamor
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My wife lost her place in a story in Glamour.
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To the window I had the man run, like a flash
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To make sure it was garbagemen taking the trash.
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But he said, "It's a lawyer, sir, parking his car.
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I fear it's a Jetta, and in THIS front yard!
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Shall I sound the alarm?" "Yes, don't let him inside!
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My ex must want more alimony," I cried.
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But though servants locked windows and barred the front door,
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Our defense was as loose as a two-dollar whore.
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For just as back in the Jacuzzi I stepped,
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A soot-suited man from the fireplace lept.
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"I flew down the flue," he informed, and I sighed.
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"That sure puts a damper on things," I replied
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He was dressed in a suit, with three pieces and tie,
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But I saw he'd forgotten to zip up his fly.
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He had a long nose that resembled a dork,
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And his beady eyes begged to be poked with a fork.
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With only these words, "You poor Ivy-leagued jerk!
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This isn't your day!" he went straight to his work.
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Beneath the aluminum tree he did crouch,
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And took all of our presents to put in his pouch.
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The TV's and stereos, jewlery and clothes,
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All went into his Hefty, and then he arose.
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He crossed the fireplace, turning his back...
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And emptied our stockings out into the sack.
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But just as I thought that was all I would lose,
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He went to the kitchen and drank all my booze.
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Then he dumped all our silverware into the bag,
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And added the new VCR to his swag.
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Our Waterford crystal, our Tiffany lamps,
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My son's Telecaster and thousand-watt amps,
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My Princeton diploma was yanked off the wall
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And twenty sports jackets from out in the hall.
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My antique collection, the wife's diamond rings,
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He ransacked the house and took all of our things!
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But when he had stacked all the bags by the door,
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Well, I brought our my Doberman and said "Listen you boor!
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You've invaded our privacy - I know the law!
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KILL, Charger, KILL!" But the lawyer guffawed,
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And laying a finger aside of his nose
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Gave a honk, and blew snot - all over my clothes.
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He grabbed a dry breadstick and took my dog's life,
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Then ran to the bedroom and ravished my wife!
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Now, I really was peeved! "Sir, I'll see you in court!
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You can't do such things to collect non-support!"
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But he laughed, "Non-support?" as he got off my spouse.
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"Tomorrow they're coming to take down your house.
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And soon the policemen will drag you away.
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Your own Uncle Sam's repossessing today!"
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"You mean you aren't my ex-wife's attorney?"
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I asked, while he loaded my gold Lamborghini.
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He laughed as he dashed away into the night,
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And tossed a grenade which blew out my porch light.
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But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
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"Damn, your wife was awfully tight.
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What's more, 'Alimony'?? My Gawd...
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Man, you're going to prision for income tax fraud."
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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