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%% ======================================================= %%
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%% The Rumpus Chronicles Part V: The Return of the Rumpus %%
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%% ======================================================= %%
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%% By: The Reflex %%
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%% An Official_Omnipotent_Incorporated_Production %%
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%% %%
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It was a stormy night in the most distant reaches of Suburbia in Alief.
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The lightening flashed overhead, streaking across the sky to illuminate a lone
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figure with spiked hair and glasses standing in an empty field. Could this be
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the one that they had thought was gone from their lives forever? A single
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bolt of lightening burst from the rain cloud overhead and struck our solitary
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person briefly lighting up his skeleton before spiking his hair even more. He
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fell face first into the mud of the field and merely issued an "UNH!" before
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he passed out. The Rumpus had returned.
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The next morning, the rain clouds had briefly dispersed to allow some
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sunlight to shine on Alief as all of the students started off to high school
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ready for a Friday of hard work (yeah, right). It was the final year of
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school for many students that would soon be starting either a career or
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college. They had many things to consider and plan for over the next few days
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as they prepared for graduation. The last thing that they believed they would
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have to worry about managed to infiltrate the student body as they pressed
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into Elsik Senior High School. Rumpus wore a florescent-orange rain coat with
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a hood to cover up his hair and adorned sunglasses to avoid drawing
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attention to himself and being recognized. He would merely be gathering
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information today to plan for his ultimate revenge. What was he doing here?
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Why did he return after being gone for so many years? Who or what was he
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planning revenge against? We will get to these questions soon enough, but
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meanwhile...
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On the north side of the campus, Jason pulled his crappy blue 1982
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Mustang in his parking space. He opened the door and got his books out of the
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back seat. Slamming the door and giving the car a kick for good measure he
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bounced his way up to the main building running into many of his friends along
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the way. Out of the corner of his eye, he barely caught his old girlfriend,
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Jennifer, narrowly jumping out of the way of a big red pickup truck (with
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tinted windows and white mag wheels) that purposely seemed to be aiming at
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her. The truck jumped over the drainage ditch and went driving off across the
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practice football field before disappearing behind the annex building. Jason
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would have sworn he could hear "Oh L'Amour" playing from the truck even though
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all of the windows were rolled up on it. "I wonder if that could be who I
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think it was..." he quietly wondered to himself.
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"Hi, Jen," Jason said as he approached Jennifer.
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"Oh, hi, Jason," Jennifer replied as she was climbing down off of the
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telephone pole.
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"That truck looked familiar. Something tells me it going to be a weird
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weekend," Jason mused, "Can I walk you to class?"
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"Sure," Jennifer replied in her most natural simple-minded way.
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During lunch that day, Jason noticed a short, round person wearing a
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florescent-orange rain jacket with the hood pulled over his head and Teenage
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Mutant Ninja Turtle sunglasses in the lunch line. "I swear that guy has been
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following me all day," Jason thought to himself as he sat down at his lunch
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table. Rumpus was going through the line picking out food left and right. He
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spent most of his time hovering over the dessert section. Rumpus walked
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backwards out the end of the lunch line to avoid having to pay for his food.
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He balanced both trays on one arm as he pulled a chair out from a table. He
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set one tray down on the chair as he placed the other one down on the table.
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All of the sudden, his Rumpus-Sense(tm) started tingling meaning there was
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danger near. He turned around to see one of his targets walking past him.
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Rumpus sat down and faced the other direction in a hurry. Luckily, Jeff
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didn't recognize Rumpus. "That was a close one," Rumpus thought to himself.
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He chowed down his lunch and sat at his table for a while just perusing the
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cafeteria for everyone that was in it. "I can't believe nobody here can tell
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who I am right now...maybe I'm invisible?" he asked himself. He stood up and
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started walking for the stairwell when he heard a growing noise from the
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cafeteria. When he turned around he saw that everybody was laughing
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hysterically. He looked around to find the source of such humor, then he
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realized everyone was laughing at him. He had forgotten that he set one tray
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of food on his chair before he sat down in a hurry. He had a tray stuck to
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his butt with spaghetti and strawberry shortcake oozing out around the edges.
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"UNNNGGHH! They might recognize me!" Rumpus dashed to the stairwell knocking
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over small trees in the atrium on his way. After Jason finished laughing, a
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thought struck him: "Only one person could've done something that stupid, but
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he's thousands of miles away and nobody's heard from him in years."
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After peeling the tray from his posterior, Rumpus left the school and
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headed over to West Oaks Mall to hang out. He was chased around the mall by
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security when he mistook "hanging out" as meaning exposing your private parts
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in public. He warped the minds of many of the children in the toy store after
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he ran by with genitalia flailing in the breeze. He played some video games
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reminiscing of the glory days that he would spend playing with his Commodore
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64 computer. After school was out for the weekend, many of the students from
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the school made their way to the mall to do the wanky things that people their
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age tend to do at such social gatherings. Rumpus followed many other people
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around the mall, most of it was because he had nothing better to do, but part
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of it was because he was waiting for the right moment...
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Chris -- once a proud 12 year-old member of the exclusive Commodore
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Kingdom club that Rumpus ruled in the early days, but now just your normal
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hormonally-active 18 year-old senior in high school -- was checking out the
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latest CDs that were on sale in Sound Warehouse. He downed the rest of his
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32-ounce Coke and tossed the CD that he was going to buy up on the counter.
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"'Front 242 Does Elvis'?" asked the young salesgirl.
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"Supposed to be a classic," Chris replied.
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"Whatever..." the salesgirl said blandly. She rang up the sale and took
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Chris' $14.99. Chris walked down the mall looking in various windows along
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the way. He stopped at the pet store to look at the rabbits in the window.
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He saw a short, round fellow wearing a florescent-orange raincoat and Teenage
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Mutant Ninja Turtle sunglasses walk past him and into the pet store. This
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fellow kept looking back at Chris. "I swear that person was looking at me in
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Sound Warehouse," thought Chris. He walked on. Rumpus stuck two rabbits and
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a parrot in his jacket and a Guiana pig in his pants for dinner that night.
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Chris was walking down the mall when he felt his bladder start to rumble.
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"Uh-oh! Must've been the Coke. Damn stuff went right through me." He headed
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for the mall bathrooms. This time, he didn't notice the figure in the orange
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jacket follow him. He went into one of the stalls and let his pants down to
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sit on the stool. He was looking at the jacket of his new CD when he noticed
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the feet of someone walk over to the urinals on the other side of the
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bathroom. He went back to looking at the CD. All of the sudden he heard a
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loud, high-pitched, whining, vibrating sound. WHIRRRRRRRRRR! His heart sank
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down into his stomach as his memory raced to figure out where he had heard
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that sound before. "NO! It couldn't be...not after all of these years" He
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remembered a day in the Rumpus Room many years ago when he heard the same
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noise. It was during that day that Rumpus was actually revealed to be a
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Rumpuser. The door to the stall was kicked open. Chris was blinded by a
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bright light behind the short, round figure that was standing there. The
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figure reached to his head and pulled off two straight, pointed, mousse-
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hardened locks of hairs and threw them at Chris like spikes. The spikes went
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through Chris' shirt at the shoulders and pinned him to the wall.
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"This will teach you not to moon me in my own backyard!" the figured
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said. Chris screamed as the last thing he heard before everything went black
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was a ZIP! then the WHIRRRRRRRRRR!
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Moments later, Rumpus made his way to the mall exit just as there were
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screams and yelling coming from the men's restroom as people made the grisly
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discovery. Rumpus quietly chuckled to himself. "They'll all be sorry they
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ever made fun of me..." he mused. Then he threw his head back and started
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laughing out loud in a long, sinister laugh. He didn't see the ambulance
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rushing up to the mall entrance when it hit him. The cleaning people mistook
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him for a florescent-orange garbage bag and threw him in the dumpster where he
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spent many hours unconscious.
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Around nine o' clock that night, the clouds started to gather together
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again. They opened up on Suburbia Alief with a fierceness not seen in a long
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time. Rumpus felt the rain on his face and pulled the jacket up around him as
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he climbed out of the garbage dumpster. He stumbled over to his Rumpus
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Scooter and rode back to his base of operations: His old house that has been
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empty for several years now. He parked his scooter in the bushes just inside
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the gate and went around to the backyard. He opened the big window on the
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back of the house and climbed in out of the rain. Feeling somewhat tired, he
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just jumped out of the window sill and onto the now-empty carpet. His heart
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jumped when he heard a high-pitched voice say, "AAAAUUCK! POLLY WANT THE HELL
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OUTTA HERE!" He realized the voice was coming from inside his jacket so he
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pulled the parrot out. The parrot flapped its wings and tried to fly for
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freedom when Rumpus grabbed it and tied a piece of twine around one of its
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claws. He tied the other end to the closet doorknob.
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"Every good pirate should have a parrot," Rumpus said to Polly. Rumpus
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rolled up the edge of the carpet and removed a loose floorboard to reveal his
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pirate flag (the "Jolly Flogger" as he used to call it) and his eye patch. He
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had hidden them there when he thought he was going to be arrested for
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illegally copying "Summer Games" for his Commodore 64. He put on his eye
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patch and hung the flag on the wall like he used to do in his old software
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pirating days. Rumpus commenced talking like a pirate ("Argh, avast ye scurvy
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dogs! Prepare to boarded!") until he was thoroughly bored. He then went to
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the kitchen to fix dinner. He pulled the Guiana pig out of his pants. The
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Guiana pig was gasping for fresh air when Rumpus stuck it in the oven. Later,
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as Rumpus was pulling Guiana pig hair out from between his teeth, he flipped
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on the television that he just happened to bring with him. He tuned in to the
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news.
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"THIS JUST IN!" blared the anchorman, "An eighteen year-old youth
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identified only as 'Chris' was found unconscious in a stall of the West Oaks
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Mall men's room. He was covered with a sticky white substance; however,
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police do not believe it to be a sexually motivated attack. The young man
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kept mumbling something about the return of the end of humanity. He was
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quickly tranquilized and taken to the hospital for severe trauma treatment.
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More news at ten." --CLICK!-- Rumpus turned off the television.
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Mike was getting ready to go to a party. He took a shower and did the
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other things that people normally do when getting ready to go some place. As
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he was getting dressed, he didn't notice a florescent-orange object streak by
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his window in his back yard. He had the radio turned up really loud as the
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thunder outside was almost deafening at times. Little did he realize that
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prying eyes were squinting at him through the window.
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Mike finished getting dressed, grabbed his car keys and headed for the
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front door grabbing an umbrella along the way. He popped the umbrella open
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and stepped out into the rain locking the door behind him. He was half-way to
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his car when he heard a noise behind him. It started growing louder:
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WHIRRRRRRRRR! He turned around just in time to see Rumpus running towards
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him. Rumpus reached up and pulled a spike off his head and threw it at Mike.
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The umbrella snapped in two as the razor-sharp spike pierced the handle. Mike
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stared at Rumpus in horror then took off running down the street. Rumpus
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pursued. After several blocks Rumpus realized his short legs were no match
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for Mike's longer legs. He was falling behind. Rather than let Mike get away
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and warn the others, Rumpus remembered something. He reached into his
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florescent-orange camouflage raincoat and pulled out a rabbit he had
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shoplifted earlier that day. When the incredible strength that Rumpus
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possessed in his right arm, Rumpus lobbed the rabbit at a mind-numbing speed.
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The rabbit flew through the air (with the greatest of ease...). It landed
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square in the middle of Mike's back, knocking the wind out of him. He fell to
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the ground from the force. The rabbit, slightly stunned, hopped off and got
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washed into the sewer. Rumpus slowly walked up to Mike and turned him over.
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"This will teach you for opening up the bathroom door that day and
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starting all of this," Rumpus said with a sinister grin on his face. ZIP!
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WHIRRRRRRRRR! Michael's scream pierced the suburban quiet only for an instant
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before it was drowned out by the thundering noise from the heavens.
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Jennifer jumped as the thunder broke overhead and the lightening
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illuminated the living room through the skylight on the high overhead ceiling.
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The electricity flickered off then back on for half a second. Jennifer was
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talking to her cousin on the phone:
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"I don't know, Aida, he's been bugging me all day," she was saying when
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she heard a noise in the backyard. "Just a second, I heard something out
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back." She put the phone down and went to the backdoor. She peeked out the
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backdoor curtains, but couldn't see anything. Jennifer ran back to the phone:
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"Let me call you right back." She put the receiver in the cradle and grabbed
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her phone book. She was starting to get frightened since she was all alone in
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the house. Her mother was out on a date and she had to cancel her plans
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because of the rain. Hurriedly, she dialed several people, but nobody was
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home. Reluctantly, she called Jason.
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-- RING! -- -- RING! -- "Hello?"
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"Jason, this is Jennifer! There's someone in my backyard...please come
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over, fast!"
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"Okay, I'm on my way. Stay put."
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Within few minutes, Jason arrived to play the "the man is here so
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everything is safe" routine. He checked out back, but could find nothing
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there. He went back inside and told this to Jennifer. They sat down on the
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sofa and started talking. They didn't realize that someone was watching them
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through the skylight. Rumpus stood up and slowly walked down the slant of the
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roof towards the front of the house for no apparent reason. He looked around
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to see if anybody else was watching. Rumpus stealthily walked back up the
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roof. When he reached the peak of the roof, his foot slipped on a loose
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shingle. He started to lose his balance. He grabbed onto the television
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antenna with the superhuman strength of his right hand and balanced himself.
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Just then, a bolt of lightening flashed down and struck the antenna while
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Rumpus was holding onto it.
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Jason and Jennifer watched as the picture on the television went out.
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"That's funny, the TV antenna is grounded. That shouldn't have happened,"
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Jennifer said. As Jennifer completed her sentence, they heard a noise:
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WHIRRRRR-- WHIRRR-- WHIRR-- WHIR--. It seemed to sputter out. There was a
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crashing noise and glass showered down into the living room as a florescent-
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orange Rumpus fell through the skylight. The smoking Rumpus landed right in
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front of the sofa with a broken television antenna clutched in his hand.
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Rumpus appeared to be unconscious.
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"What the Hell is that?" Jason said as he got up off the sofa and bent
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down by Rumpus. "No, it couldn't be...," he pondered upon closer examination,
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"I didn't even think that he alive anymore. What's he doing here? Jennifer,
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go call an ambulance." Jason stood up.
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Before Jennifer could reach the phone, Rumpus jumped up and grabbed Jason
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around the throat from behind. Rumpus jumped on Jason's back. Jason couldn't
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handle the weight as he fell to the floor. As Rumpus was pounding Jason's
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head into the carpet he was screaming, "And that's for mooning me in my own
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backyard then taking a crap in it!"
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Jennifer grabbed the lamp off the coffee table and took a swing at
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Rumpus. She caught Rumpus square in the forehead with the end of the lamp.
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Rumpus went flying through the air and landed against the wall half silly.
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She helped Jason stand up.
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"We've got to get outta here," Jason managed to get out. They started
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out the door and got in Jason's car. As they were racing off, Rumpus
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staggered to the doorway. He threw several spikes at them, but missed through
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all of the rain. Rumpus pulled his Rumpus Scooter out of the Southwestern
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Bell manhole (excuse, me..."sewer access cover" for you feminists). Rumpus
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had used the underground telephone tunnels to race around in, but this one
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called for surface pursuit.
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Jason had punched his Mustang as fast as it would go, but there was only
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so fast that an old 3.8 liter fuel-injected V6 would go. Rumpus spotted them
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less than half a mile ahead. He reached down onto the side of his scooter.
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He tossed the Turbo Covers off the sides. He then flipped a switch on the
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dash that flashed "TURBO SYSTEM ARMED -- NITROUS OXIDE TANKS READY." With the
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press of a button, the Nitrous Oxide systems fed the gas into the fuel line
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and flames shot out the back.
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Faster than the fastest bullet-bike, the Rumpus Scooter easily caught up
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with the car by the time they reached the school. Rumpus pulled along the
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side of Jason's Mustang and threw some hair at the tires. The tires exploded
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and the car screeched to a stop in the middle of the intersection. Jason and
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Jennifer got out of the car, but then just stood there in fear as Rumpus
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circled back around and stopped the scooter just fifteen yards from them.
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They trembled with dread as Rumpus got off the scooter and started towards
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them.
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"You made fun of me for all of those years...even after I moved across
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the country you still tormented me. That's all over now..." Rumpus was
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saying. ZIP! WHIRRRRRRR!
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But before Rumpus could take another step, two bright halogen headlights
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came up behind him with blinding speed. They came right up to Rumpus and hit
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him with earth-shaking force. Rumpus flew threw the air and stuck head-first
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into a telephone poll by his spiked hair. The big red truck slid sideways to
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a stop. The door flew open and out stepped their saviour.
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"ROB!" they both shouted in unison.
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"Hi! I'd been heading out this way to pick someone up when I saw Rumpus.
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I knew that he meant trouble. Quick, Jason, help me get him in the back of
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the truck," Rob said. He opened up his tool box and grabbed some rope and
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duct tape. They tied Rumpus up and put duct tape around his waist so that he
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couldn't move; however, they only had four feet of tape left so they could
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only put it a little more than half way around him.
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"Okay, Jason," Rob said, "let's throw Rumpus in the back and take him for
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a ride. Jennifer, you stay here and change all the flat tires on Jason's
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car." They got in the truck and started speeding north out of town. Within the
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hour, they arrived at Intercontinental Airport. They drove the truck through
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one of the fences and headed for the fueling area. They found a plane headed
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for Columbia and tossed the unconscious Rumpus onto the baggage loading
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conveyor belt. Rumpus slid upwards then disappeared into the baggage
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compartment of the 737 headed for Bogota.
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Afterwards, they went up to the restaurant at the airport. Jennifer
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arrived shortly after she had fixed the tires and drove to the airport. They
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talked for a while. Right after they finished dinner and were having drinks,
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they heard a noise that struck fear in their hearts. WHIRRRRRRRR! When they
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turned around all they saw was a waiter with a small chainsaw trying to cut a
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tough piece of turkey.
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"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," apologized the waiter.
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"No problem," said Jason turning back to the table, "Anyway, all I know
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is that Rumpus just came back and decided to get even with all of us."
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"Kind of scary," replied Rob, "but you know how much of a Rumpus he was
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anyway. I'm just glad it's over."
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Jennifer started up, "Oh, by the way, Rob. I asked my friend Yvette to
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meet us here...she says she knows you. There she is."
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"Ulp!" was all Rob could get out as Heaven came through the doorway. She
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walked up and sat down next to him.
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"Isn't this the cutest face you've ever seen?" Yvette asked Jennifer and
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Jason as she grabbed Rob's face.
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"Ulp!" was all he could still manage to get out.
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Meanwhile, some 50,000 feet above the Gulf of Mexico, there was a 737 Air
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Columbia airplane flying strong. However, the pressure in the baggage
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compartment dropped sharply as a long, black spike of mousse-hardened hair
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pierced the outer hull.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This has been a Tampered-With Production (c) 1990
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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If you have any suggestions, comments, death threats, etc. directed towards
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Omnipotent, Inc. or any of it's members, we can be reached via The Dark Side
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of the Moon...[408] 245-SPAM...account number 27. Or via Internet:
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reflex@darkside.com
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______________________________________________________________________________
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