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6.3 KiB
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6.3 KiB
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%% ============================== %%
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%% How to Have Fun in Restaurants %%
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%% ============================== %%
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%% Courtesy of _The Reflex_ and Omnipotent, Inc. %%
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Have you ever been in a restaurant and had lousy service, or lousy food,
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or just felt pissed off? Well there are many great ways to get revenge against
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scum of the bucket places like this. Here is where you can learn some ways and
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seek inspiration for further activities.
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1) When you first walk into a restaurant and they ask you how many people will
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be at dinner, say that you are having an office party and that about 50-75
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poeple will be coming in. It is better to call and reserve this.
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2) Get up and go to the bathroom as often as you can. This will piss them off.
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Once inside the bathroom, you have limitless possiblities. Make sure that
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you have a full bladder for this one. First go into all of the stalls and
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piss on all the toilet paper. Piss up and down the walls. After pissing up
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the stalls, go over to the sink. See the contraption on the wall full of
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soap? Well remove the top and empty your bladder into it. If you can, stir
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it up or shake it up. I've done this before and then seen people come in
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and wash their hands and face. A real riot! Next whip out your magic
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marker and go back into the stalls. Write such shit as: "Brad Moreland is
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a Dick that likes to give head! Call him at (713) 487-0351." Next give an
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illustration to go along with it such as this:
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___
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/ ! \
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!___!
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!. .!
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!., !
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! ,.!
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! , !
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!., !
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__ ! ,.! __
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/.,\! , !/.,\
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!,.,!___!.,.!
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\__/ \__/
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BRAD MORELAND RULES!
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If there are any empty toilets then fill them to the rim with toilet paper.
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It is interesting to see the water fill up the bathroom as you run out in
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laughter.
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3) Next order as much shit as possible and then "remember" that you have an
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important engagement as they bring all the shit out.
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4) Need some credit cards? After some assholes leave, they forget to take
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their carbons with them and leave them sitting on the table. Help yourself,
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it will have the store authorization number on it for some checking
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purposes.
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5) Low on money? Help yourself to the tips that idiots leave for "good
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service." One night I got nearly $45 from 3 different restaurants in the
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local mall.
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6) Food Phun! So the shit, er...I mean food has arrived, eh? Well you aren't
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really going to pay for it, are you? If you haven't collected your tips yet
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then whip out your official Marvin Zindler Roach Droppings in a Bag(c) and
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pour it all over your food. Demand to see the manager and then start
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bitching about how you expect good service for the price you are paying.
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Threaten to tell the Board of Health and report them for that. Also, have
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some rat droppings and urine ready. Live roaches are a must, all you have
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to do is release one on your plate after you ate all that you want (don't
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eat it all). Next release the roach on your food and call the manager.
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7) Ever consider starting a food fight casually in a nice restaurant. Once
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when I was in Chili's and there weren't many people, I picked up a chip with
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some sauce on it and tossed it over the divider between sections. Next I
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heard a loud "SHIT!" And the guy came around the corner as I split.
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8) Need some utensils for your house? Well, as you are leaving, grab some
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knives and forks and put them in your pockets. Salt and pepper shakers are
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easy to put in your pants too if you need them.
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9) BB's! Get one of those cartons of about a thousand BB's. Open it up and
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then spread them evenly throughout the restaurant. It's funny to watch five
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waiters all tripping and dropping food and glass and blood...
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10) Firecrackers! These are halarious if you pay by cash. When you are about
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to leave, just light a string of blackcats with a fuse that would give you
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enough time to pay and get out, or if you already payed. It will scare the
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shit out of everyone if you are still in there and you yell: "He has a gun
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everyone get down!" Watch people flee and panic as they try to get out the
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doors while the waiters are tripping over each other and breaking things.
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11) Hide everything! This so when the people come to clean up your table they
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won't find a mess, but the next group of people will as they sit down and
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put their feet in your lasagna under the table.
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12) Order 50 different things and keep having them sent back to the kitchen
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because you "didn't want mayonaisse on it." Or you "wanted cheese on it."
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This will confuse the waiters and cooks.
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13) As the waiters bring you your food and say "I believe you had the Veal
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Cutlet?" Say plainly, "No, sorry, I ordered blah blah!"
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14) Take the linen napkins into the bathrooms and procede to relieve yourself
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in them. On your way out just DROP it on someone's table as you pass by.
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They will do one of two things. 1: Have a shit themselves. 2: Faint!
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15) Screw the caps off the salt and pepper shakers and then turn them upside-
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down carefully. When the waiters come to clean it up, they lift the
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shakers and it drops all over the table and they have another mess to clean
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up.
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Have Phun!
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And remember that life is just a game!
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