407 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
407 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
THE UNAUTHORIZED SUMMARY OF
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The Book of Job.
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The Cliff's Notes of the Cliff's Notes of the Book of Job:
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God fucks up Job and then fixes him up again.
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Play-By-Play:
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1. Job's a rich fella who believes in God. Satan bets God a
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steak dinner that he can't depend on Job in the clutch. Job
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adores God, Satan says, because God has given all this stuff to
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Job. God says "horseshit" and proceeds to nuke Job's stuff.
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Job still believes in God.
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2. So Satan says "You just got his things; you didn't get him".
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God says, "You try it, you're so smart." So Satan smites Job
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mightily.
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Job's lying there in his own blood and pus. His wife says,
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"So you still love God after bad things like this" and Job says
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"Shut up, ya wench. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away."
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Eliphaz (Termite), Bildad (Bilbo), Zophad (Zaphod), who are
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Job's "friends" show up and start trying to comfort him. Yeah.
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Right. Comfort.
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3. Job says "I wish I wasn't even born."
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FIRST CYCLE OF DEBATE: SOAK
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4. Termite says "You're a good fella. Innocent people don't get
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the finger from God. You'll get through this; six troubles will
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be it. You'll never reach seven."
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5. Termite continues "God can be really nice when he wants to,
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so don't spit on him."
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6. Job says "I wish he'd just zap me and let that be the end of
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it. (And me.) Ya know, when a guy gets it in the teeth from God,
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other people tend to stay away, fearing the same fate.
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7. He continues "People are generally scum, aren't they? I mean,
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I'm so insignificant, so why are you [God] wasting your valuable
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time on lil' ole me?
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8. Bilbo says "God doesn't fuck people over without a reason.
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You must have sinned."
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9. Job says "Well, normally that's true, but just try and argue
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with God. He'll torch you. God's a nice guy and all, so I think
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I better not try and defend myself to Him; he may get REALLY
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mad. He spits on everybody, good and evil alike. That has to be
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the reason.
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10. Job continues "Come on, God! Why don't you tell me where I
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went wrong? I'm a good guy; you made me. So leave me alone!
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11. Zaphod says "Oh, come on! He's letting you off easy on this
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one, ya dirty bum!"
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12. Job says "Shut up, I'm a man just like you."
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13. Continuing "Are you God's personal legal staff or something?
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Get off my back, you guys. God may dick me big-time, but I'm
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gonna stay the old me, no matter what you say."
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SECOND CYCLE OF DEBATE: WASH
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15. The Termite says "You better watch what you say, speaking
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against God like that."
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16. Job says "Fat lot of comforting you've done, eh? I could
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yell at you, but that would be interesting to you, wouldn't it."
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17. He continues, "I have no hope anyway."
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18. Bilbo says "Wow, God is gonna flatten him...."
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19. Job says "Well, God did his bit to mess me up. Why are you
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helping him by making my life unpleasant? He's gonna take me to
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heaven, though. Just you wait and see."
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20. Zaphod says "Bad guys have fun for a while, but God picks
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them out and zaps them for it in the end."
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21. Job says "Oh, yeah? Then how come Al Capone got so rich and
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got away with it?"
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THIRD CYCLE OF DEBATE: RINSE
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22. The Termite says "Well, you are a scum, right? I mean, you
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did something to deserve this. You probably renounced God. So go
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back to him, and he'll give your stuff back and clean you up."
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23. Job says "Oh, I wish I could talk to Him. But His number is
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unlisted, you know? And Directory Assistance gets real huffy
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with 'need to know' when you try them. But God's gonna pick me
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up, I can tell."
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24. There is no 24.
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25. Bilbo says "God can do anything, and you're just a blob of
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protoplasm. What makes you think He's gonna waste His valuable
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time on you?"
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26. Job says "Look at all this stuff He did! Who can understand
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all that?"
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27. Job goes on, "I'm still on God's team, you hear that? I'm
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not gonna curse him out for nobody."
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28. There is no 28 either.
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29. Job says "You know, I wish I was back before all this stuff
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befell me. I was a nice guy, and God was nice to me."
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30. He speaks anon (an' on, an' on, an' on): "But now anybody
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and his kid sister can throw rocks at me and let the air out of
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the tires on my Mercedes."
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31. Job says "God made me; I wish he'd tell me what's going on."
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Well, that about wraps it up for Job.
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THE INTERVENTION OF THE LORD: SPIN DRY
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38. (38? How did we get to 38?) God says "Just what the fuck
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makes you [Job] think you know shit about running a universe,
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huh? Did YOU make any planets etc? I think not."
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39. God cont'd "Did you make IBM? No. Did you inspire the man
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who invented the pop-top soda can? No. Did you wind up the sun?
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No."
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40. God Part III: "So what makes you think you have any right to
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make terms with Me?"
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Job says "Well, I'm shit. What can you say. I'm gonna keep
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my trap shut from now on."
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41. God says "Can you do all this K-K00L RAD stuff I did?"
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42. Job says "Not in my wildest dreams; I'm sorry I mentioned
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it."
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EPILOGUE: TUMBLE DRY AND IRON
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So God gave Job his stuff back. He made the Termite, Bilbo,
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and Zaphod make remuneration in livestock, and He held a party
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at Job's house which was "pay as you go", making Job rich again.
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And Job never again even thought about being nasty to God,
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or asking God for an interest-free principal-only loan on
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Godwill. (Get it? Godwill? Goodwill? HAHAHA! ha ha? ha. Ok,
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fine. So I'm no humorist. Well, they don't pay me to be a
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humorist. They don't pay me to be much of anything. So what.)
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Now Job really understands that God is an all-powerful force not
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subject to human ideas of morality which moves in strange and
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incomprehensible ways. Like IBM.
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The Unauthorized Summary Series:
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Archibald MacLeish's phlegmatic play,
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J.B.
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____
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EL PROLOGO
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Zuss + Nickles enter. Nickles convinces Zuss to play God by
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flattering him. Nickes says the one thing God can't abide with
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is man putting on airs, convinced that humanity has worth,
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reason for pride etc. Nickles, angered by the suffering that God
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has the power to stop, decides to play Satan. Zuss finds a
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Godmask which is expressionless + whose eyes are closed.
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Second Provisionay Government
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(NO! Outline! Outline!)
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1. Using specific references to the
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"Book of Job", develop a rationale
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for why you think the innocent
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suffer. Be sure to connect your ideas
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and utilize specific quotations.
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I. Intro
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A. God's clumsiness:
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B. All men are guilty to some extent.
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C. The J.B. First Act Fallacy: Chance is the reason. There
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is no rationale. <-- not justified by our givens. There has
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to be a God for the story to have meaning.
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D. Everybody is guilty; Original sin. God can't zap one
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alone; everybody gets it. But they're ALL guilty little
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shits, so who cares? He can throw brimstone around because
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anybody he hits will, ipso facto, deserve it. HAHAHAHAHA!!
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II. God's Clumsiness
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A. God's power is infinite in amplitude, but He can't always
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zap one offender without spillover.
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1. Quote; Nickles, in J.B. Sc. 8 "Every blessed
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blundering time/ you hit at one man you blast
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thousands./ Think of that Flood of yours -- a
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massacre!"
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B. For further evidence of narrow-beam focusing inability on
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the part of the Almighty, see "Sodom + Gommorah", old
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testament. God is unable to destroy the twin cities of Sodom
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and Gomorrah without also getting the righteous people
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there, i.e. Lot. He has to move Lot out of the way first.
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III. All men are guilty to some extent.
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A. Since God is not bound by laws, neither is he bound by a
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human concept of justice, which would presuppose that
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punishment would fall only on those deserving of it. Rather,
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spread the shit around.
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1. Quote: Bildad, Book of Job: Cycle 3, 25, 4: "How
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then can man be justified with God? Or how can he be
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clean that is born of a woman?"
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IV. The J.B. First Act fallacy: Chance is the reason
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A. The reason for suffering is that things aren't guided by
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any single Hand. Quantum mechanics shows that the universe,
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on it's lowest level, is a random place. God plays dice with
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the universe.
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1. Quote: J.B., J.B. "Sticks and stones and steel are
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____
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chances./ There's no will in stone and steel.../"
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B. But God disposes of that one when he smites J.B. some
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more, forcing J.B. to know that God is actually against him,
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and not merely looking elsewhere while entropy sets in.
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C. Without a God, the debate is meaningless. (Yes, and I'm
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not gonna tell her the truth: There isn't one! Our debate is
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meaningless! Quantum mechanics and thermodynamics show the
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universe is random!)
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V. My explanation: Since God is clumsy and man is guilty, and
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God can do whatever He damn well pleases, somebody's gonna be
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standing in the way.
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A. God can throw brimstone and locusts around, and man is
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guilty as a whole. The innocence of one or another
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carbon-based unit is not important, or worthy of worry on a
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Cosmic scale. Why should God worry about one man more or
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less?
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1. Quote: Book of Job, Job, "What is man, that thou
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shouldest magnify him? And that thou shouldest set
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thine heart upon him?" (Thou = God)
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u wind up the sun?
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No."
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40. God Part III: "So what makes you think you have any right to
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make terms with Me?"
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Job says "Well, I'm shit. What can you say. I'm gonna keep
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my trap shut from now on."
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41. God says "Can you do all this K-K00L RAD stuff I did?"
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42. Job says "Not in |