236 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
236 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
Formated for 40col. display.
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! !
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! How to Bother, Disturb, Kill, !
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! Perturb, and Upset your local !
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! Mormons. !
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! !
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! By: The Prophet !
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! !
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! Along with some cool ideas from: !
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! The Metallian !
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+------------------------------------+
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! Call these genocidal systems: !
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! !
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! /\/\etalland 1 10megs/AE/BBS/CF !
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! \\\\\\\\\\\\...\.....(503)538-0761 !
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! The Metal AE/PW:KILL.(201)879-6668 !
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! The Reality AE.PW:HARRIS !
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! (818)706-2054 !
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! The Mordor AE/AE1200/10megs !
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! PW:ZANDAR (201)528-6467 !
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! !
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! Presented By: !
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! !
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! Metal Comunications Inc. !
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! & !
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! The Neon Knights !
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+------------------------------------+
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! Note: If you are a Mormon, we !
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! sincerely hope you are offended !
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! by this material !!!!!!!! !
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+------------------------------------+
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____________________________________
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FOR MORMON HATERS ONLY
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____________________________________
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First off, I really hope that the
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ideas brought up here will be very
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helpful and useful to you. If you are a
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Mormon hater (which for your own sake I
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hope you are), you will undoubtedly
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want to try some of them.
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In this there will be quite a wide
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range of ideas, from something as
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simple and harmless as stacking a
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locker to arson.
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When you're done reading this and
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you want to go and try some of the neat
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things you learned, remember that you
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are fully responsible. We take no
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responsibility for three-alarm fires
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or mass-murders because this is, more
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or less, a joke (at least, it's
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supposed to look like it).
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Okay, here is how to bother,
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disturb, kill, perturb, and upset your
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local Mormons.
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1) BOTHERING THEM
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If you are going to do anything,
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you must start by bothering them. That
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way you can start nice and simple and
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then build up to a climax. When you
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bother a Mormon, you must realize that
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these dicks are supposed to be nice
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little boys and girls, so you want to
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push their tempers as far as you
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possibly can. If they act like they
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are supposed to, it will take a lot to
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reach the end of their fuse. Ocasionally
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there will be a bad Mormon who will
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fight back. This doesn't happen too
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often, but when it does, be careful.
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In any case, a good rule to follow is
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just push them as far as you possibly
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can.
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A good, simple way to start is just
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by stacking their locker. You just add
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one thing to how you would normally do
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it. You want to make sure that their
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books are stacked very steep, and then
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on top of them you put a bowl of hot
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soup or else something very hard to
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clean like grease. If they don't move
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back too soon, which they probably
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won't, they will get nailed by the
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books and the hot soup and/or grease.
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The next step comes during lunch,
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or whenever you are around a Mormon
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eating food. There are three possibil-
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ities to choose from, whichever seems
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to be the most convenient at the time:
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1) Food/drink in hair
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2) Food/drink down shirt/inside bra
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3) Food/drink down pants
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Obviously self-explanatory. Grab food,
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smear in hair, shove down shirt, or put
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in pants. For the hair food is best,
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preferrably something like maccaroni &
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cheese, and for the shirt/bra and pants
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some sort of liquid is definitely best.
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Anyway, after you do this, it would be
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a very good idea to get out of there
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fast.
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The last step of the "bothering"
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phase is slashing the tires on their
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car. I certainly hope that you don't
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need any instructions on how to do
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that. And if they don't have a car,
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take the next step down and slash the
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tires on their bike. Most likely they
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will have a bike, and they definitely
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will if they are one of those neat
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Mormon missionaries that ride all over
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town in their nice suits and ties on
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their massively cool 3-speeds. And in
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the rare event that they don't even
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have a bike, use your imagination to
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come up with something. One suggestion
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is egging their house, but you will
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most likely want something more
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original than that.
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____________________________________
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____________________________________
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2) DISTURBING, UPSETTING, AND
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PERTURBING THEM
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Now your Mormon victim should be
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quite bothered and flustered, and now
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comes the phase where they really piss
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their pants. If these things are done
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correctly, you are pretty much guaran-
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teed a very disturbed, upset, perturbed
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Mormon.
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A very good way to upset a Mormon
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(or anybody, for that matter) is to
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threaten them and/or their family. A
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good time to threaten them might be
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over the phone during their "Family
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Home Evening". Something like, "There's
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a bomb in your basement that's going to
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explode in 23 seconds", or something
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direct and straight to the point like,
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"Hi! I'm going to kill your family
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tonight!" should successfully ruin
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their family gathering. Or another
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good time to threaten them might be
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on Sunday when they're all home and the
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kids have to sit around all day and
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read. Use one of the above threats or
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you might want to try one like
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threatening to kidnap someone in their
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family. Or, of course, you can use your
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imagination and be creative. But what-
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ever you do, when you are threatening
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them make sure that it is totally
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anonymous because they might take you
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seriously. (And, of course, maybe you
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will be serious.)
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Another thing that would disturb
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the Mormons would be to go to one of
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their neat services, and in the middle
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of it when the Bishop dude is talking,
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stand up and start yelling at the top
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of your lungs, "How could any sane
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person believe this stuff?! I've had
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enough of this crap!" and walk out.
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A last suggestion for disturbing,
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upsetting, and perturbing the Mormons
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is to once again go to another cool
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service, if you can handle that much
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crap in a lifetime. You take your
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ghetto blaster in with you and in the
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middle of the service put in the group
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Satan's tape that has the song "Death
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to the Mormons" on it and crank it up.
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Let it play at least until the chorus
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when they say, "Death to the Mormons"
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and call them inspeakable words, and
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then walk out.
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____________________________________
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____________________________________
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3) KILLING THEM
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And now the part you've all been
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waiting for: killing them. Mostly you
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can just use your imagination on this
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area, but we'll give you a few ideas.
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If you are looking at just killing
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one individual, the safest, most
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obscure method is abduction. Either
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take them by force, or pretend to offer
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them a ride somewhere. You know what
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comes next; you take them up in the
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hills to some uninhabited forest and
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just simply kill them somehow. Use a
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gun if you want it to be fairly fast
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but painful, or stab them a couple
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times if you want it to be slow and
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painful.
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And, if you are looking at mass-
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murder, use either a bomb (you have
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lower chances of getting caught if you
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have a pre-planted time bomb) or walk
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in with an M-16 and start blowing
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people away. You use this method if you
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don't mind getting the death penalty.
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And one more possibility would be to
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set their church on fire during their
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service. Of course, most all of them
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would get out, but who knows? You might
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get lucky and knock down a few.
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In conlusion, I just want to say if
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you want to kill a Mormon, please give
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it very serious consideration before
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you do it, and just go as easy on them
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as you can, because, after all, they
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have almost as much right to live as
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we do!
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Later,
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The Prophet
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Metal Communications Inc.
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+--------------------------------------+
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(C)opyright 1985 M.C.I.
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+--------------------------------------+
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