104 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
104 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Where Have My Heroes Gone?
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by KSM
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2/15/1998-#350
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__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
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\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
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___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
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|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
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Dream a little dream with me, friends. Let's imagine that I get my hands on
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some of that date rape drug that the kids on 20/20 are so gung-ho about.
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Let's keep dreaming. Let's say I find some lonely girl at a popular
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twentysomething club, maybe her ride abandoned her or something. I play the
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part of the sensitive male and console her with some Boppin' Berry Hi-C with
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a little of that date rape drug in there. Let's examine the elements of our
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dream, kids. We have a lecherous man with a large quantity of Boppin' Berry
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Hi-C, an empty bottle of that date rape drug, and a lonely girl full of
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drugs with no ride. I see the seeds of love planted. So I take my lovely
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lady back to my house, I give mom the keys to her car, and give in to
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passion. We make sweet love until she regains consciousness and runs
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screaming. She must've had a dermatologist appointment. Anyways, let's say
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she is pregnant. It scares the bejesus out of me that my children will be
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growing up in a world without heroes.
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Let's take a trip on a time machine! I remember a time when a young lad of
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16 or 17 could spend a Friday playing hopskotch or playing Candy Land,
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anything the young people are fond of, and retire to their house to watch a
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sweet little program that aired on CBS from 8-9 that preached morality and
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the essentials of higher southern culture. Yes, my friends, I'm speaking
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of the Dukes of Hazzard. Now I do not condone the running on moonshine, but
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who could argue with the concept of spraying crap all over the crooked Boss
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Hog in your '71 Charger with no doors? Moonshine is a way of paying the
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bills for Bo and Luke Duke, but Boss Hog's twisted, black heart clearly
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pumps with the juices of evil. I have never read a case of anyone's
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circulatory system functioning with moonshine, but who hasn't picked up the
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paper to read a story about Old Man Winters down the street with evil
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pumping through his veins? Basically what I'm saying is, moonshine pays the
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bills, but evil forces Christian girls into prostitution. Another facet of
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morality taught to us by Dukes of Hazzard is the fact that people must be
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attractive to make a difference. Boss Hog was an ugly man, he never
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amounted to anything. Bo and Luke though, they were quite attractive and
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that was why they were the most successful moonshiners in all of Hazzard
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County. I remember one thing that Dukes of Hazzard taught me especially. I
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learned that incest was ok. The first time I sensed that intense sexual
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tension between Daisy and Luke, I knew in my heart of hearts that society
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could take its expectations and regulations and shove them right where the
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sun doesn't shine. Regulation Shmegulation, I want to have sex with my
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cousin. I refuse to accept this "special reunion movie" shit, I want to go
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back to Hazzard County where I knew what was right and stay there. Reality
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is a harsh pill, but the Dukes always seemed to help wash that pill down
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with a little malt liquor.
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This is a call to you, Johnny Broadcasting Corporation. My child could grow
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up without the Dukes of Hazzard, and that leaves a funky taste in my mouth.
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How is little Jorge going to know morality? I will not allow my sweet Jorge
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to define truth and reality: that is how psychopaths and atheists get
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started. Jorge should let the TV define right and wrong for him. How will
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he ever do this without the Dukes? I won't always be there to raise Jorge,
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but I trust that Uncle Jesse, Bo, Luke, and Daisy Duke will. Take me back
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to Hazzard County, let's kick Boss Hog's ass. Johnny Broadcasting
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Corporation, I know where you live and I know what your wife looks like.
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KSM
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Our chimerical visions were especially vivid today.
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.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
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/.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \
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-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
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/lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\
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\ / `-' (U) `-' \ /
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`-' the original e-zine `-' _
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Oooo eastside westside / ) __
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/)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \
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\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1998 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/
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(_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO
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cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _
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oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Grandmaster Ratte'. __ ( \
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/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
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\_) xXx BOW to the COW xXx Oooo
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