84 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
84 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Radiocarbon Dating Service
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by Markian Gooley
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>>> a cDc publication.......1993 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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Melanie became a blender rather than go out on a date with me. I wept as
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her golden hair became the blender-jar's lid, and so forth. Vanessa developed
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a snout and sharp teeth and tore out her own intestines rather than see
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_La Boheme_ with me, though she loved opera. Michelle had herself sealed
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inside a fifteen-ounce can of pinto beans, Sally grew a beard and performed a
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double mastectomy on herself with the Girl Scout pocket knife she still carried
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for cutting up Girl Scouts, Claire became a Buddhist nun (aged 76), Conchita
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had her skin and skeleton replaced with those of a large dog, Sheri became a
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case of Amontillado bricked up inside a wall by a madman named Montresor,
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Valerie became a six-year-old boy, Helen became a giant wooden horse, Laura
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became a bay tree. I was hounded from town to town because women I asked out
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on dates had a way of changing into people or objects I found uninteresting.
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I tried asking out horseshoes, lumps of lead-bismuth alloy, bottles of
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ketchup, motorcycles, sections of concrete sewer pipe, and so on. Some of the
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smaller objects seemed to have no objection to being carried, but none of them
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metamorphosed into humans. I thought that one of my invitations stripped the
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gold plating from a cheap wristwatch, but that might have been my imagination.
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I began to ask out abstract things: the nature of God, the idea of
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liberty, equilateral triangles, infinite series. Green's Theorem became a
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magnificent Titian-haired beauty with a Scotish accent and a raunchy sense of
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humor, but thousands of enraged mathematicians beat me nearly to death with
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chalk and Rubik's Cubes until the Theorem agreed to become her usual self. I
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was heartbroken: her pale woman-skin had been impossibly soft and smooth, her
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alto voice arousing, her caresses entrancing.
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I hocked my diamond tiara and with the proceeds joined a radiocarbon
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dating service. The level of Carbon 14, the smarmy bearded balding man who
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talked me into signing up informed me, was a certain measure of compatibility.
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With a Geiger counter and a violinist and a group of Germans who got that joke,
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he measured my radiocarbon and radio reception. "You've been dead for 5760
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years," he informed me, stroking his hair back and causing a handful of it to
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fall out. "No wonder women are disgusted by you."
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"May I have a refund?" I asked.
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"No," he said, grinning. "You signed the contract, sucker."
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"I'll put a whammy on you," I said, and he just laughed. The goddess
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Athena, a personal friend, borrowed a thunderbolt from her daddy and struck him
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and the others dead and set the building ablaze. Unfortunately, Athena was not
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such a friend of mine as to impersonate a human woman for me, as happens in
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ingenious anonymous stories that I should have written, so that I had to be
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content with the burnt-mutton smell in the air and the hope of a timely death.
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........510/THE-COOL|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/468-5802|Lunatic Labs........213/655-0691|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|
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(' ') |ftp - zero.cypher.com in pub/cdc |ftp - ftp.eff.org in pub/cud/cdc|
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |1993 cDc communications by Markian Gooley 12/30/93-#244|
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\_______/| Save yourself! Go outside! DO SOMETHING! |
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