126 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
126 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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_ _ _ _
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((___)) ((___))
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[ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ]
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\ / presents... \ /
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(' ') (' ')
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(U) (U)
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Las Vegas Mutantz From Hell!
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a non-fiction horror story
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by The Pusher
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>>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Author's Note: The following events occurred when one of my mom's friend's
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daughter came from Las Vegas to look at colleges in my area. (Like NYU)
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Day 1- I was excited. Why? Well, an older girl from Las Vegas was coming to
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stay at my house and she was sleeping in the room right next to mine.
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(Just like it happens in all of those cheesy 1-star teen flicks). A night of
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stiff board banging was anticipated (more like, "was wished for"). Anyway, I
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was listening to the Suicidal Tendencies ("Two Sided Politics" was the song),
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when I heard a knock on my door.
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"She's here."
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I jumped out my room and looked into the room next to mine. She was...
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a... FUCKING HAM!
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My jaw dropped to the floor. About five feet tall, fat, ugly, and a face
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that looked like someone threw paint at her through a screen door. This was
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not a girl I wanted to ball, much less look at. I mumbled a feeble "Hi" and
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went to sleep right away.
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Day 2- I awoke the next morning with positive thoughts. Adam, you just had a
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nightmare last night. That's not the girl. Five minutes later when I saw her,
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I realized that she was a nightmare. A living, breathing, three dimensional
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nightmare. At the breakfast table, Mom and I had the following conversation.
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"Adam, I want you to take Heidi around town today."
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"Forget it! I'm going to the mall."
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An hour later. Town.
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I'm wearing my trenchcoat along with sunglasses so no one can recognize
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me. As I show her around town (where I live, "town" is just one street of
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stores), making up lies as I go along ("See that lake? The police found a
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decapitated baby in there last year."), two friends of mine see through the
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disguise and come up to me. They ask me who the girl right behind me is. I
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say I have no idea. They actually believe me until she comes up to me asking
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"Where's the post office, Adam?" (Where's the post office? What kind of
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question is that?) My "friends" say bye and walk away. Laughing their asses
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off. At me. When we get home, I get a call asking about my "girlfriend". So,
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I go up to my room, and finish playing my Suicidals tape. (Remember, I left
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off at "Two Sided Politics.") Heidi knocks on my door.
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"Turn it off."
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"What?"
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"I said turn it off! I can't watch T.V. with that noise blaring!"
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"Hey, why don't you-"
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I would have loved to finish my sentence, but my dad walked in.
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That night, I thought of ways I could kill her.
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Day 3- "No way! Screw that! I showed her around town, now you do something
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with her. I'm going to Mark's."
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An hour later. At the tennis court. With Heidi.
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It seems she loves tennis and I happened to be the only available player.
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Anyway, she's out there with her 200 dollar tennis outfit, and super-duper
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Wimbeldon pro racket. And I've got Nike basketball shoes, a ratty pair of
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shorts, my Circle Jerks "Golden Shower of Greatest Hits" shirt which has a guy
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peeing against a wall, and some cheap racket I dug out of the basement. What
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happened is this: she hit a high lob into the air, and rushed up to the net.
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I thought: here's my chance! I'll slam the ball into her face and kill her.
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The ball came down. I swung. And missed.
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"You could use some lessons."
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"And you could use a mask."
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Her bitchy stares were welcomed.
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After the game...
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"I've been on a diet for the past two months. Don't I look thin?"
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What could I say?
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"No, you don't.
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That night, I was playing some DK, when she entered my room.
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"How can you listen to that noise?"
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"Oh, what do you like?"
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"U2."
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"U2. Major talent there. My dick knows more chords than The Edge."
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"I would need a microscope to see your dick! It's probably an inch long!" (Been hanging out with the 6th graders, eh?)
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"And I guess an inch seems real small, when you're used to foot-long
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cucumbers."
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"Geek!"
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And she stormed out. That was the last I saw of her. I left early the
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next morning for a six-week trip around the country. Before I left, I wrote
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down all of this so I could write a file when I got back.
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Somewhere in the Southwest, I called home and found out she got into an
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incident with a skin in Greenwich Village. Seems she spent the whole day
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crying. Exactly what happened, I'll never know.
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Biafra in '92!
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Behavior Modification.....806/793-9462 The Dead Zone.............214/522-5321
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Demon Roach Underground...806/794-4362 Dragonfire Private........609/424-2606
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Question Authority........715/341-6516 Pure Nihilism.............517/337-7319
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Tequila Willy's...........209/526-3194 The Metal AE..............201/879-6668
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===============================================================================
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(c)1988 cDc communications by The Pusher 12/30/88-93
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All Rights Worth Shit
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