234 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
234 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
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File : DICTATE.TXT
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Author : El Presidente
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BBS : The Banana Republic BBS
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El Presidente Productions Presents
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El Presidente's Tutorial for Sysops
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First Movement in A Minor
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INTRODUCTION
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------------
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So many Sysops these days are unaware of their obligations,
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both to their Users and to the wider community as a whole.
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This Tutorial has been written in an effort to rectify this
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sad and lamentable state of affairs. This tutorial is not
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written in an effort to "energise" your BBS, nor is it
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written to help those drivelling, moronic, banal, puerile
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idiotic, crapulent, pathetically sad excuses for Sysops (who
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are after all beyond help!); rather it is written in order to
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educate those Sysops, who although performing their duties to
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a reasonable level are unaware of the true scope of their
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abilities and responsibilities.
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LESSON 1 - Be a Dictator
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------------------------
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Some Sysops shy away from the idea that they are in fact
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dictators. This is sad; quite apart from the fact that
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everybody knows that they are dictators they are denying
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themselves a great deal of fun.
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FACT 1: Sysops are DICTATORS.
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Once you realise you are a dictator you open a whole world of
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possibilities both for yourself and your users.
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LESSON 2 - Your TRUE Nature
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---------------------------
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Realise your true nature. Once you have truly decided you
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are a dictator you must begin to act like one. Do EXACTLY
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what YOU want. Don't take your Users into account AT ALL!!
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Be a bastard. Abuse any User you decide to (particularly New
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Users), whether they deserve it or not. Delete and purge
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Users on a whim (more about purges later). Remove files, or
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directories without telling anybody. Never explain anything
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you do. It is ESSENTIAL that you do exactly what you want,
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you are not accountable to anybody. Remember you're a
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dictator after all.
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LESSON 3 - Users
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----------------
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As a dictator a User exist for only one purpose, as a toy for
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the bored Sysop. As a dictator you have NO obligations to
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your Users whatsoever. Do whatever you like to them. Swear
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at your Users, abuse them, annoy them, torment them, don't
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feed them for weeks on end (it makes them more irritable, and
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hence, more fun) and above all enjoy yourself at their
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expense.
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New Users
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New Users are even more FUN!! New Users have even less of a
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right to life, liberty and the pursuit of a chat from the
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Sysop than REAL Users. As a Sysop and more importantly a
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dictator you should make New Users fill out ALL sorts of
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idiotic questions in order to "validate them" (hehehehe).
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However these questions should include several important
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details (which you should check quite rigorously).
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THE important details:
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- The User's REAL Name
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so you know who the hell they are!
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- The User's Phone Number
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so you can ring them up to abuse the SHIT out of them.
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- The User's Address
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so you know where to post the letter bomb.
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- The User's Age
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so you understand the age of the putrescent jibbering
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mass of slime your dealing with (useful for making sure
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you don't leave message that exceed their age to
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vocabulary ratio).
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- The User's Sex
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so you don't "hit on" the wrong sex (could be HIGHLY
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embarrassing).
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- The User's Computer
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so you know what type of virus to dig out of your "How
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to Write Virii in Five Easy Steps" book.
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- Some Incriminating and Highly Embarrassing Details about
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the User
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to blackmail them of course!!! (possibly into a date if
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they're of the right sex/age group).
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There are some important points to note in dealing with New
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Users:
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1) Never answer a New User's chat request, it just makes them
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uppity and makes them think you are their to cater to
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their every whim (HAH! as if!).
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2) Don't reply to a New User's messages (it only encourages
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them). ESPECIALLY if they DEMAND that you "let them on "
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(this is a clear sub-concious desire on their behalf to be
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deleted and LOCKED OUT!!).
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NB. There is an exception to this rule.
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If you would rather write a reply to them - DO IT.
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Remember you're the dictator!
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3) GIVE THEM HELL!!!
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LESSON 4 - Purges
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-----------------
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FACT 2: Only Stalin REALLY understood the importance of
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regular purges.
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Purges are a truly important part of any dictators "bag of
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tricks". As a dictator you must realise that the average
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User responds really well only when threatened and
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terrorised (exploit and use this fact!). Purges are a means
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to this end.
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Purges should be held both regularly and on the spur of the
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moment. A regular purge should be held regularly (obvious
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eh?!) and should be WELL advertised! Advertising your
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regular purges will have all the Users wondering just who is
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about to go this time. Regular purges can also be used to
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reward a User. Pick a User, advertise the fact and get them
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involved in the actually purging - GREAT FUN!! Irregular
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purges should be held spontaneously (ie. when you're
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annoyed!!), just purge anybody that annoys you, maybe you
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don't like their name, they haven't left you a message for
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too long, or just choose a few at random.
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Purges are also a particularly good way of weeding out the
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New Users. Well at least you know that the ones that re-
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apply must REALLY want to become a User.
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LESSON 5 - Mail
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There is only one lesson concerning mail - the Sysop OWNS all
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of it.
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Do whatever you like to it. Re-address it. Delete it.
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Change it. Whatever tickles your fancy, do it.
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LESSON 6 - Sexual Deviations
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(Well I had to include something on sexual deviations)
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The only correct and proper sexual deviation or perversion
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for a sysop to entertain is BANANAS. It is as simple as
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that.
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(for more information on Banana Perversion refer to El
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Presidente's "The Fetishist Guide to Fun with Bananas")
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FINALLY
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-------
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So you have know earned the right to call yourself a dictator
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3rd class. Remember to do exactly what you want, as many
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times as you want (contrary to popular rumour, your modem
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will not fall off!!) and as you watch your final User log-off
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for the last time, console yourself with the fact that at
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least you're a damn good dictator.
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FEES
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----
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Fees for this the first course of study, in the series of 69,
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amount to a total of $34.28 + tax. No cheques accepted. All
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fees to be sent to:
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El Presidente
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c/o The Banana Republic BBS
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FURTHER STUDY
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Further courses of study (2-69) may be ordered through:
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El Presidente
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c/o The Banana Republic BBS
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20/12/89
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El Prez.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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AUTHOR: El Presidente
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Brought to the WORLD by The Banana Republic BBS
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