254 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
254 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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[ This contains both VanC0 Grommet files. It is rumoured that Ron S
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VanZuylen has the largest collection of grommets outside the
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Soviet Union. The second file was written by DBCooper, whose main
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claim to fame is some silly hijacking or other. HBB ]
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A:\TEXT\GROMMET.TXT (54 lines) edited by R.VAN with ST MicroEMACS
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"HELP! THE GROMMET(*)'S MISSING!" from a book which does not exist because it
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is a figment of my imagination. I think this text is considered public domain,
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so you can distribute it at your own discretion (if it hasn't been altered in
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any horrible/frightening way).
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(*)GROMMET (grom'it), n. a metal eyelet, as in leather.
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My father was sipping a tasty Rheinhessen on the back porch when a
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clattering disturbed his oenophilic reveries. He looked up and, eyes agog,
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stared blankly as the rest of the family lugged a huge box marked 'Gas Grill'
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into view and dumped it huffing at his feet.
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(They were huffing, not the gas grill; the gas grill huffed later on.)
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"Happy Father's Day!" we (the family) crowed.
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His ministrations of pleasure and affection amid the hubub of familial
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excitement soon turned into thoughts of defenestration as he set about
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assembling his newest toy.
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Why? Here is a quote from the assembly manual and you'll see why:
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"Affix hoop (18) to side standards (33) with provided long bolts after
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first securing hub (4) through axle carrier (12) and side ribs (7). Repeat
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procedure other side. View illustration."
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Dad thought about throwing the instructions away right then and should
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have, but my mother (referred to in the instruction manual as 'helper') was
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the logical sort who believes her husband ought to 'do it right this time.'
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So, he resigned himself to assistance from both manual and spouse and
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sturdily continued assembling my his wonderful Father's Day gift.
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He was distracted in this effort by the cat and the two-year-old who both
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came curiously close to being killed when they reached the climactic chapter in
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the instructions--you know, the one that tells how to 'insert Venturi tube
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into line assembly (25), adjusting inlet valves to 1/8-inch windows while
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drawing spark line (41) through eyelet.'
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Dad was also distracted by the not-so-fond recollection of countless witty
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Sunday magazine insert articles about self-assembly of Christmas bikes, gas
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grills and household widgets. You know the kind: some depraved writer who had
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to send the bike back to the manufacturer for repairs due to his botching the
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job writes a funny piece in order to recoup his freight expenses.
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This, by the way, isn't one of those articles. The gas grill works fine.
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But my father's episode does bring to mind a couple of my pet theories about
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kit-making.
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The first is about the so-called 'ease of assembly'. What American
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manufacturers do, I think, is have a group of employees write the instruction
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manual. The product of their effort is then translated into Japanese or
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Spanish (depending on where the kit is packed). Then, either a Japanese or
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Mexican re-translates the manual into English again, prints it and stuffs it
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in with all of the parts. That's my only explanation for the ponderous and,
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yes, tortuous nature of instruction manuals.
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My second theory is this: You can't fault the quality of workmanship if
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you're the one who did it. So, if the drive chain on your kit-assembled ten
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speed bike falls off, or if your gas grill blows up in your face, or if your
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made-at-night-at-home color TV set only works on Channel 1, you only have
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yourself to blame.
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For sure you can't blame the family. Even if they never let you forget
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about the ten speed color gas grill sitting useless on the back porch.
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E.O.F. (End.Of.File)
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* The Grommet Repair Manual: written 28-dec-85
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edited 04-jan-86
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Dedicated to Brendon: We Think You're SWELL!
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==============================================================================
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PATH:tutorial/repair/grommet/tgrm ==============================================================================
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A VanCo TEXT-CO PRODUCTION
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Welcome to the Grommet Repair Manual. This is the unofficial sequel to the
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largely ignored "I had fun with a grommet" file written by R.Van some schmuck. This
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file is meant to fill in some of the gaps that were left in the story line of
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the previous story.
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-----------------------------
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PREFACE: Why Should I Care?
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-----------------------------
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The Grommet. The Grommet. Why do we care about a small, round peice of
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metal? The grommet is actually considered by some historians to be much more
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important in altering the course of history than television, the wheel,
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deodorant, the printing press, and possibly even granola. The reality of
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grommets is only beginning to surface as the following people stated in their
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articles:
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-------
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Wade B. Hoyt: Grommets in a Historical Perspective
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-------
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...The Grommet is an amazing device that has been used during wartime and
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peacetime, work and leisure, and to provide enjoyment and satisfaction to
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millions...
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-------
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Abraham Johnson: Machines at War
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-------
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...The social and political unrest due to the invention of the grommet are
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incredible, paralleled only by the atomic bomb, Jane Fonda, and the Muppets...
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While many have rallied to control the dangers of nuclear weapons, few if any
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have realized the dangers of the grommet. If society as we know it today is
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to survive, we need to act quickly and efficiently to neutralize the dangers
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of the lowly grommet.
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-------
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Anne DeKruyfer: Fashion Magazine
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-------
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...In this upcoming year, the hottest new item is the Grommet. Fashionable
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items will definitely be belts, jackets and shoes with grommets for both men
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and women; grommeted socks and briefs for the men; and leather lingerie with
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grommets and steel buckles for the ladies... The grommet will definitely be a
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hot item this year...
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-------
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John Harrison: Leather and Lace magazine
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-------
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...The Grommet is the hottest item to hit the Sado-Masochistic fashion scene
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since chains, leather, or even tabasco sauce... Imagine you and your lover
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bound together by grommeted leather straps ($13), unable to avoid her lashings
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by a grommeted leather lash ($22). As you slowly caress her leather teddy
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($37) you tighten the grommeted straps on her teddy to an almost unbearable
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tension and slip the strap into the silver plated buckle as she screams in
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ecstasy....
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-------
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Aaron W. Yellowitz: How To Make a Fortune with Tunafish
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-------
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...You must be careful when loading up your backpack with tunafish to sell
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door to door. If you load up your backpack too heavily, you may hurt yourself
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lifting it, or possibly pull out a grommet on the bag itself. I usually
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suggest that you only carry seven 8-ounce cans of tuna at a time...
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--------------------------
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ONE: uses of the grommet
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--------------------------
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The grommet is one of the most overused pieces of hardware in existence.
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The grommet is used in thousands of everyday items, many of which are so
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commonplace that we seldom recognize them as one. some examples follow:
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outdoor equipment: backpacks, tarpulins, clothing, tents
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sporting goods: sails, climbing harnesses, trampolines, pool covers
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computers: cable harnesses, diskette reinforcement, straightjackets
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household items: window shades, nail clippers, nuclear warheads
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There are hundreds more uses, and you can probably spot more in seconds by
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searching through your own house.
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Grommets have also influenced many other things. Some say that Madonna's
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belly-button has the appearance of a grommet, although some say what really
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looks like a grommet is about six inches lower. Grommet-like items have been
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found in many styles of ancient architecture. As Don James once said "If I
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was a piece of simple hardware, I'd most definitely be a grommet"
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---------------------------
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TWO: installing a grommet
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---------------------------
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The first, and most essential piece of equipment for grommet installation is
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the grommet tool. The easiest way to purchase one is usually in a kit, with
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an assortment of grommets included. The tool consists of three parts; the
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setting tap, the anvil, and the punch. The punch is used with the anvil to
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create the proper sized hole for the grommet. The material is placed on the
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anvil, and the punch is placed over the hole in the anvil. A sharp blow to
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the punch with the hammer will drive a hole into the material that should be
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the proper size. The setting tap is used to force the grommet through the
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hole and into it's proper shape.
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The grommet is a specially shaped piece of metal that when shaped properly
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can reinforce a hole so a rope, cable, or buckle can pass through without
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ripping the surrounding material. Grommets come in five basic sizes, ranging
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from 0 to 4 (4 being the largest). These may be purchased in hardware stores
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without any licenses or restrictions.
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Once the hole for the grommet has been cut, many grommet installation
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experts recommend that the hole be heat-sealed to prevent fraying. This can
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be done with a match, but it is preferable to use a soldering iron or a
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woodburning tool. Remember, this is not necessary, but it is recommended for
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a lasting, professional grommet installation.
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The Grommet should now be installed using the setting tap. The author
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recommends that you consult the instructions for your particular model, as
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there are always some minor differences in operating procedure. The first
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step is to find the proper size grommet, and then remove the male portion.
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This portion is bigger, and somewhat longer than the female portion. The male
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half should be slipped through the hole, and then should be laid face down on
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the anvil. The grommet should be seated properly on the small ridges of the
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anvil in order to insure a proper bind. Next, slip the female half over the
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male portion. Note that the halves should face together tightly. Finally,
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the setting tap should be placed on the grommet and struck with a hammer.
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This will force the grommet halves together and bind them permanently.
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--------------------------------------
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CONCLUSION: what does all this mean?
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--------------------------------------
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I hope this article has alerted you to the hopes, struggles, despair, and
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lives of people who deal with grommets on a daily basis. I also hope that you
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have used this file to your advantage, as there are many grommet oriented
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career options available today.
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-------
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Written by D.B. Cooper and the VanCo staff on 28-dec-85
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Edited by R.Van and D.B. Cooper 09-jan-86
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-- H a v e a N ic e D a y ...
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(> Copy: "T e l l A F r i e n d ! "
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! R e a d t h e o th e r g r e a t f i l es i n t h e V a n C o L i b r a r y !
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Successful Write.
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[ End ... ]
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