487 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
487 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
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3 The Story Of Spam - Volume III 3
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@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY
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Disclaimer
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This is The Story Of Spam as recalled from a time not so
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long ago, even though some people wish it was. The contents
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of the following text can confuse and mangle the fabric of
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peoples minds, so be warned. Most of the following is sadly
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true, but it did mark a permanent mark in a few peoples
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lives. This is the tale on how it all began.
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Enjoy this text!
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ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
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3 Chapter 1 3
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@DDDDDDDDDDDY
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Working late one night in 1937 in his secret labratory,
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Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He worked at the Hormel
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Meat Company and he had several thousand extra pounds of pork
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shoulder that he did not know what to do with - and he had to
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find something to do with all this extra meat before it
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rotted. He then began to mix different products into the
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meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the
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mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he did
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finally look, a huge cubical piece of meat came into
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existence. He tasted the product, which seemed to taste a
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bit odd, but it had possibilities. Then then began to market
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it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as the word
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"hip." Because of this lame name, a emergency meeting was
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held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for a person to
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come up with a catchy name. Several minutes of pondering
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when on. Then finally, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled
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"SPAM" and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to
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adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed "SPAM" and it began to
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spread to its current modern definition - A meat substance
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that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per second.
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ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
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3 Chapter 2 3
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@DDDDDDDDDDDY
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Laecretius, who lived in the continous realm of Avatar,
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was a relatively powerful sorcerer and enjoyed his life of
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roasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers
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do. He ran level 14 with pride, despite the wise words of
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those who knew better - he kept on roasting and toasting
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monsters like any fine young and relatively powerful sorcerer
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does. Then one fine day, while teleporting to the level he
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loved best (14, of course!), he teleported into a Ninja
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encounter. Ninja was a formidable opponent when the player
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had all the upper advantages, but this time the Ninja was
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prepared as he came out of hiding and cut Laecretius in two
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before Laecretius knew what was going on. Laecretius thudded
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to the floor of the dungeon and yelled out "OH SPAM" before
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his mortal wound caught up with him. These words bounced off
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the walls of Avatar and many people heard of these words.
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The people that did hear these words, like the people at
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Hormel, were surprised, but still quick to adapt, and began
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to spread the word of SPAM and began to assimilate it into
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their normal language. For two hours straight after the word
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of SPAM was leaked, people continously babbled about it.
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Phrases such as "Your ear is filled with SPAM" and "You were
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teleported in solid SPAM." and began to think of such items
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such as "Wand Of Spam" and "Helmet Of Spam". The people who
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did not think that this was a positive thing to talk about
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shouted, "No MORE SPAM.", joined the Anti-Spam Legion, shut
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off their ability to receive messages from other players, and
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continued their existance. The people that began to enjoy
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the entire concept joined the Spam, and continueed on with
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their daily routines. The people who just did not care
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joined the Neutral Luncheon Meat (which split into groups
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like Bologna, MeatLoaf, and The Rabid Children, but these
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groups did not last long.) which acted like a apathetic
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society. However, these Anti-Spam groups could not stop the
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inevitable filling of Avatar with SPAM. It began to take
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over the game and people's E-message topics. Then it soon
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overflowed into other parts of NovaNET and began to spread at
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an uncontrolable rate.
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After overflowing to the AUTHOR prompt, it then moved
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over to =pad. =Pad was the most popular and most widely read
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notesfile in existance on Nova and Cerl. Soon, Spam became
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one of the many commonly used topics in Pad and it then began
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to overflow to CERL, thanks to the System Link. The CERL
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people, who were godly to the entire system, found this
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concept in the notes that they read and they generally did
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not like and enjoy it, and soon after reading the 1,000th
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note about it, they began to send out death threats to the
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Slingers Of The Spam, which is what they were now called
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instead of the Spam, which was a dull name like Hormel
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Luncheon Meat. Merlin, who frequented =pad, began to sling
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Spam at the Felixmeister, who seemed to hate the entire
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concept from the beginning, freshly every day and got several
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people in the crossfire. These people did not enjoy it and
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joined the people of CERL in their attempts to keep The
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Slingers Of The Spam quiet. The people at CERL began to
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realize that death threats were not threatening enough and
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none of them had enough money to fly to Maine therefore they
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began to try and bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with high
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level signons. However, they failed because they could not
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pull through with their end of the deal, and this just
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encouraged these Slingers to double their efforts. Pretty
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soon, SPAM found its home base. These places were called
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TalkLine, =spam, and =purgatory. =Purgatory was the =pad of
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Maine, and soon became popular between the Slingers, Antis,
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and the Neutrals alike. However, this ended up to be the
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main babbling point, which inevitably included SPAM.
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TalkLine was a babbling point also designed for people to
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just babble at each other live. Version 3 - 5 of this
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program proved to do this quite well and soon replaced
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confcall and TalkoMatic - which also meant that the focal
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point of NovaSex was moved as well on the Spam side of
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things. =Spam, created by Merlin, was the real place were
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people sling Spam. Every note in there for a good solid two
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months were about the meat and people soon left this for
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=purgatory, which had a little more variety in luncheon
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meats. TalkLine was abandoned by a few because they were
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quite annoyed because a new version of the program was
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practically written every week - and when it did work
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properly, people were being obtrusive to each other because
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they continued to use the TERM-boot option, which had the
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ability to remove anyone from the lesson - and for some
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reason people did not like to be removed from a lesson when
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they are having a hearty conversation with another person.
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ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
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3 Chapter 3 3
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@DDDDDDDDDDDY
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Several months went by and then the great Felixmeister
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announced that a new Avatar was about to be born. Many
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people panicked and began to give away very useful items for
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little or no price. Then the change happened, a new realm of
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Avatar was born, and many people thought that the slinging of
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the Spam would end with the death of the old Avatar.
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However, that statement was incorrect and Spam was brought
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back to Avatar and coused the Anti-Spam to revolt more. This
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sudden revolt caused the Spam to revolt more. Things in
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general, however, were a bit more discreet than when Spam
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first come out and conflicts were more localized. It was
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during this time when Murph walked into =purgatory, fed up
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with the SPAM concept, and uttered with his non-existant lips
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at the top of his voice, "NO WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM." Many
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people pondered with interest and confusion. Shortly after
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he yelled this, Merlin, joined by NovaTeflon and Raphael
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Dareau (who were leaders of the Slingers Of The Spam), began
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to make frequent trips to CAPS, where NovaNETers like Murph
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where known to frequent. Soon, in a fit of agony, Murph
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uttered out at 3 in the morning, "Who in the HELL started
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this ***! SPAM thing." The real culprit, Raphael Dareau,
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began to sulk in his chair and continued to play Epigoni, one
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of the Spam characters in Avatar. The main Slinger Of Spam,
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Merlin, laughed out loud evilily and said he was. Murph
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agreed that he was a likely candidate for doing such a thing.
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NovaTeflon just remained passive and pointed to Theo. It was
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also a common fact that when Murph began to become irratated
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with the Slingers Of The Spam "living" at Neville Hall, he
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began to ask, "Don't you guys have HOMES." They just
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replied, "No, and continueed to sling Spam."
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And then life went on as usual with Spam.
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Until...
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ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
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3 Chapter 4 3
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@DDDDDDDDDDDY
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One hot and lazy day when no one was expecting it, The
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Debmeister swooped down from her own universe and instantly
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sucked all the NovaNET ports out of existance, which was the
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cause of the collapse of the local universe around Bangor,
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Maine. The people who frequented NovaNET were in shock,
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suffered NovaNET withdrawls, and began to go increadably
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insane before recovering. However, with the collapse of the
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universe, Spam somehow survived. This time it spread to
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other forms such as BBS Electronic Mail and then it spread to
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actual life things. The Slingers Of The Spam groups began to
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organize at JBMHS and Orono High School, which a few people
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did not understand, but were forced to accept the ideas.
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Many BBS's began to overflow with Spam, much like Avatar did,
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and then it became obtrusive to the Anti-Spam. It became
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MUCH worse when The Electra Byte came into existance and
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surported a few things that Nova had. One of these things is
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that more than one person could use the System at a time.
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This allowed for the Slingers Of The Spam to be obtrusive to
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others live, just like NovaNET offered. Many people liked
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the ideas, others hated it. This went on as usual life and
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it fluctuated in and out of existance and life went on in its
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usual cycle. Gorgon joined the SPAM group and began to yell
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everytime he appeared, "It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the
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answers." This got on the Anti-Spam nerves and they just
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began to leave Electra Byte BBS every time they heard this.
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You could even hear their footsteps as they ran down the
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hallway. Then NovaTeflon decided to run a local Bangor BBS
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to increase his obtrusiveness in the local area, and it did
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prove to be very obtrusive.
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ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
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3 Chapter 5 3
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@DDDDDDDDDDDY
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On May 18th, 1990, was the infamous Spam festival that
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was held in Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in
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many different ways - a luncheon that featured a "all you can
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eat" Spam Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam
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sandwitches for 99 cents as well as Spam Pizza and Spam
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submarine sandwiches.
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Also, there was the Spam eating contest where
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contestants will be times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam.
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Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing
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they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
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also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artists could show
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their favorite median to work in. Also the jamboree featured
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the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, cicycle and foot
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races. Also, A Spam King and Queen was chosen.
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Other noteworthy things about Spam that is not so known
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are:
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* Margaret Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943.
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* Nikita Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the
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Soviet Army alive.
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* It is sold in more thant 50 countries.
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ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
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3 Chapter 6 3
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@DDDDDDDDDDDY
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Many noteworthy things in the history of Spam has
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occured in recent months around the Bangor Area. On the Last
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Day of something called High School, Raphael Dareau brought
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in a can of Spam at a tournament. The Anti-Spam at this
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School, which consisted with Leo, Don, and the Sexman, called
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foul and took the can and tossed it across the school library
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where it promptly split open and spread all over the place.
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As soon as the can split, the library began to fill with the
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noticeable smell of Spam - which the library still smells
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like to this day. Finally, a person decided that they should
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clean up the meat before it rotted in the library.
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In another corner of the Universe, NovaTeflon began to
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spread it around their High School where it was somewhat more
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accepted than it was at Raphael's side of the universe.
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However, a few people still did not accept the idea. Indeed,
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one teacher in the middle of a study hall heard NovaTeflon
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and yelled out, "No MORE SPAM!" and ran down the hallway as
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fast as she could. Since then, there has been surprisingly
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very little people in that part of the universe that is part
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of the Anti-Spam. For what it exists there, all we know is
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that the organization as we know it revolves around someone
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called the Thomasrino, also a fellow NovaNETer, but for some
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reason, probabally due to the destruction of the Matt Thomas
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Era, did not witness the birth of this new concept.
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A few nights later, Merlin and a person who wishes to
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remain unknown, was up at midnight cooking some of the meat.
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The smell began to immediately engulf the entire house and
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within a matter of minutes, his mother woke up due to the
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smell, walked down the stairs and asked, "Theo, what IS that
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stuff you are cooking?" "Spam", he replied. His Mom turned
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a greenish color, said "That's Nice" and went back to bed.
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But she was obviously not a happy camper.
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If you can recall that in the earlier volumes of The
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Story Of Spam that was the last thing to occur in Spam
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History, we now will tell you that more events have occured.
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On one fine November day this year, NovaTeflon, Merlin, and
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Raphael Dareau got together and began to be obtrusive with
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Spam again. With the power of the three-some, they broke the
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barrier that the Debmeister had made for 25 minutes and they
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visited =purgatory again. However, it was not filled with
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Spam - it was just there with hardly anything new in there.
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However, within its deep archives was notes about the
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luncheon meat which still existed, as well as details about
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"Let's Watch Abner Dodge The Dodge." and "The Top Ten List Of
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Things I Will Have To Run Over Before I Get My Driver's List"
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by Raphael Dareau. Just on a tangent, Raphael Dareau has
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only run over 3 of the 10 things in that list. And in
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=purgatory, it is of interest to note that this is where
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Leonardo Borowski came, left, came again, left again, came
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back again, left again, and then came back again.
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Back to the story, the latest Spam incident was that
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around 4pm one fine Saturday in November, 1991, was that
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Raphael Dareau, NovaTeflon, and Merlin were getting hungry
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and decided to have something to eat. They walked down the
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closest story, via Eyeballs house, and picked up 2 cheese
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pizzas, a can of Spam, and 4 liters of a dull Orange soda.
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They then fried the Spam at Merlin's house, again filling the
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house with the smell, which caused Merlin's parental unit to
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abandon the house for several hours, and then layered the
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cheese pizza with Spam. They then took the final product,
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took it into Merlin's living room and began to consume the
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product while watching Doctor Who. Everything seemed to be
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all right except that everyone lost track of time and then
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they remembered that they had to leave Merlin's house soon.
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However, everything was not lost as NovaTeflon collected two
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slices of left-over Spam and took it for the purposes of
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Slinging at school. Raphael Dareau and NovaTeflon left
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Merlin's house and walked to his house, where Raphael's ride
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was waiting. Then, according to legend, NovaTeflon put the
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slices of Spam in the freezer, where his parental units could
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stare at it, poke at it, wonder what it is made of, etc.
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However, we do not know yet what results came about when
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NovaTeflon slung the Spam at school. That will be covered in
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The Story Of Spam, Volume IV.
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This is the entire current history that had been brought
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up to date as of November 3rd, 1991. We hoped that you
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enjoyed the text, despite its length. If you have anything
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to add to the story, either stick your head in a bucket of
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pihrana fish, or contact either Merlin, Raphael Dareau, or
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NovaTeflon. You can find these three at CAPS or on the local
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BBS's. Also, Raphael Dareau has been known to invade
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pizzarias that have the speciality of pepperoni and Spam
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pizzas.
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ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
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3 Chapter 7 3
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@DDDDDDDDDDDY
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We will conclude this story with the TRUE story of Spam,
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as known by the BBC and Monty Python.
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Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and
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Mrs. Bun enter -- downwards.
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Mr. Bun: Morning.
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Waitress: Morning.
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Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?
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Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and
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bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage
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and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam,
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spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam,
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spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or
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lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished
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with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.
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Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything with spam in it?
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Waitress: Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and spam. That's
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not got much spam in it.
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Mrs. Bun: I don't want any spam.
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Mr. Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
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Mrs. Bun: That's got spam in it!
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Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
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Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
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without the spam?
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Waitress: Uuuuuuugggggh!
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Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuugggggh! I don't like SPAM!
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Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam,
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spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam...
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Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg,
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bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.
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Mrs. Bun: Why not?
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Waitress: No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage,
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would it?
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Mrs. Bun: I don't like SPAM!
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Mr. Bun: Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam. I
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love it. I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...
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Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam...
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Mr. Bun: ...baked beans, spam, spam and spam.
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Waitress: Baked beans are off.
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Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead?
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Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
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spam, spam and spam?
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Vikings: ...spam, spam, spam, spam....
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Mr. Bun: Yes.
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Waitress: Arrrggh!
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Vikings: ... lovely spam, wonderful spam...
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Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!
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A Hungarian enters.
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Hungarian: Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full
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of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam...
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Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam...
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Waitress: Shut up!
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Hungarian: My nipples explode....
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Cut to an historian...
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Historian: Another great Viking victory was at the Green
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Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was
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the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at
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Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to
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blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May
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23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget
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cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the
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spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...
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Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
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lovely spam, wonderful spam...spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...
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lovely spam, wonderful spam...
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Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air.
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Credits Roll:
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Monty Python's Flying Curcus
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was conceived, written and spam performed by
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Spam Terry Jones
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Michael Spam Palin
|
||
John Spam John Spam
|
||
John Spam Cleese
|
||
Graham Spam Spam
|
||
Spam Chapman
|
||
Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle
|
||
Terry Spam Sausage Spam
|
||
Egg Spam Gilliam
|
||
Also Appearing On Toast:
|
||
The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips and Singers
|
||
Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage
|
||
Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton
|
||
Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh,
|
||
And Hazer Pethig Too
|
||
Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam
|
||
Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato)
|
||
Balfour (Not Sundays)
|
||
Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious)
|
||
Millichope (Spam Extra)
|
||
Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurst, pheasant, spam
|
||
newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose
|
||
Lighting Otis (Spam's Off Dear) Eddy
|
||
Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato
|
||
Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d
|
||
BBC SPAM TV
|
||
Service Not Included
|
||
|
||
ZDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
|
||
3 Final Notes 3
|
||
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDY
|
||
|
||
Other Texts:
|
||
|
||
* The Story Of Spam
|
||
* The Story Of Spam, Volume Two
|
||
* The Story Of Spam, Volume Three
|
||
* The Story Of TriTel
|
||
* The Story Of TriTel, Volume Two
|
||
* How To Eat TriTel
|
||
|
||
ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
|
||
3 Another Dull BBS Ad 3
|
||
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY
|
||
|
||
=Purgatory BBS - Located In Orono, Maine.
|
||
(207)-866-2399 SysOp: Thanatos
|
||
Co-Sysops: Raphael Dareau and FSO
|