251 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
251 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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THE TRAGIC TALE OF OLD MacDONALD'S FARM
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A Personnel Saga
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by A. Mouse, Non-E (1 ea.)
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(as told to L. D. Manning)
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Once upon a time a <large university> Personnel Officer retired and, with the
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University's moderate pension plan, bought a Farm and moved his Family (Wife,
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household duties preferred, and Daughter, in-progress Education preferred) to
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the country to taste rural life. Old MacDonald (for that was his name)
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promptly bought livestock, labelled them appropriately according to their Job
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Descriptions, and recorded them all in a notebook, listing Job Title, Job
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Description, Estimated Annual Salary (Base, Full-time rate, nearest whole
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dollar amount), and preferred Job Qualifications.
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In addition, Old MacDonald planted crops, all appropriately labelled, (Celery,
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green, average stalk length 12", annual), and settled down to enjoy his
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retirement.
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One day a young man visited the Farm and introduced himself as the County Agent
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(Agent, Agricultural products, governmental). Old MacDonald gladly showed the
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young man around the Farm, displaying his handiwork. "This is my Annual
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Celery," he proudly announced, as they approached the garden.
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"Annual Celery?" the young man muttered.
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"Yes, and this is my Bovine Animal; four-legged, tan-and-white spotted,
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preferred."
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"But that's a Guernsey milk cow!" The young man obviously seemed distressed
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about something, but Old MacDonald couldn't understand what it could be.
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"And this is my Cow; large size, hump and brown color preferred."
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The young man had turned a peculiar color, but all he said was, "A Brahma bull!
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I wonder how he got the sign around his neck."
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The young man also seemed peculiarly distressed upon seeing that the Rooster
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was penned alone, with his beak taped shut, even after Old MacDonald explained
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that he had had to resort to these measures because the Rooster had been
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putting in unauthorized overtime in the hen house, and crowing at dawn. He
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simply WOULD NOT keep the required 8 to 5 hours (lunch from 12 noon to 1 pm
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only).
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The tour of the farm was soon over. Old MacDonald did not understand the young
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man's attitude. His records were immaculate. Every animal exactly fit its Job
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Description, and each one was correctly Titled and Labelled with a neat sign
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hung around its neck.
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Soon afterwards, Old MacDonald decided that now that the Farm records were in
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order, he should do the same to the personnel in his household. He, of course,
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was Personnel Officer. His wife, however, had been doing many different chores
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which were not in her Job Description. This, of course, would NOT DO. He
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promptly notified her that she would henceforth be Procurement Officer and
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would be in charge of buying and selling all items on the farm. Since his Wife
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was not thrilled at the added duties in her already busy schedule, Old
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MacDonald promised that she could keep all monies made on butter and eggs.
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That very afternoon a young man came to the farm asking to buy a milk cow. He
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had talked to the County Agent and had learned that Old MacDonald had one. His
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wife had just had twin girls and they needed the milk badly. Old MacDonald
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assured him that he had no Milk Cow. He had a Cow, a Bovine Animal, and a
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Calf, but no Milk Cow. This young man turned a peculiar color also. (What
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were young men coming to these days?) "But that IS a milk cow!" The young man
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pointed to the Bovine Animal.
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"Oh, no. That is a Bovine Animal. The fact that she gives milk is immaterial.
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She was hired as a Bovine Animal. She has had no Experience at being a Milk
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Cow."
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"Well, I'll buy her anyway. I need the milk. How much do you want for her?"
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"Oh, I couldn't let this poor creature apply for the Job Title of Milk Cow. As
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I have said, she has had not Experience in the field. She could, of course, be
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Reclassified, but that will take some time."
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"What do I have to do to have her reclassified?" The young man was not taking
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this at all well. He looked ill.
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"Well, you would have to submit a request in quintuplicate to the Personnel
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Officer (that's me), then fill out a questionnaire listing (1) why the current
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Job Title does not currently suit the duties of the Job Holder, (2) why the
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needs of the Employer have changed with respect to the said Job Title, (3) why
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this Job Holder was not hired at the new Job Title in the original request when
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s/he was originally hired, and (4) what qualifications and/or Experience
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qualify this candidate for the new Job Title. Then I will, of course, review
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your case, and objectively come to a decision. I am, of course, an Equal
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Opportunity Employer, and belong to EIEIO -- the Equality In Employment for
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Interstate Opportunities Commission."
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"How long will that take?"
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"Oh, about three weeks. Of course, I am rather busy right now -- harvest time
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coming up and all (all those new plants to Title and Label!) -- so it could
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take longer than that."
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The young man gave up and bought a milk cow (generic, no Job Title) from Farmer
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Jones next door.
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That evening, Old MacDonald happily returned home to the Procurement Officer
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and his Daughter, secure in the knowledge that all of his Farmyard Staff and
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his Family were appropriately Titled and Labelled. He was somewhat surprised
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to note upon his return, however, that the house was a mess and there was no
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dinner waiting for him when he arrived.
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"Wife," he complained. "Why are you not performing your Wifely duties? I am
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hungry, and for the first time in 32 years, this house is a mess. What is wrong
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with you? Are you ill?"
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"I see that you are looking in my direction when you ask these questions, but I
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am the Procurement Officer, not a Wife," replied his (former) Wife. "My Job
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Description does not include household duties."
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"Hmmm. That is true." Old MacDonald had not planned on this problem. "Well, I
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will simply give you back your old Title as well."
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"Oh, no." The Procurement Officer was adamant. "Only one Job Title per
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employee."
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Yes, of course. How could he have forgotten after so many years?
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"Well, then, I will give you back your old Title and do the Purchasing and
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Vouchering myself."
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"Oh, no. I make more money as a Procurement Officer than I did as a Wife.
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That would be a Demotion (A Very Serious Matter). Besides, I am not allowed to
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change Job Titles within the Farm for six months after I have once changed Job
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Titles. No. I am Procurement Officer, and that is that."
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Old MacDonald couldn't argue with that logic, so he fixed himself an Old
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MacDonald's hamburger and went to bed.
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The next day Mr. Jones of the neighboring farm came by and asked to see the
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Personnel List. Old MacDonald was only happy to oblige, since all of his
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records were open to the Public. Mr. Jones noted a "Bovine Animal," a "Calf," a
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"Cow," and a "Moo-Moo." He then politely inquired as to which of the Job
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Titles on the Personnel List had represented Positions which had actually been
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filled, and asked to see the Job Descriptions of those Jobs. When Old
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MacDonald happily obliged, he asked to interview two of the individuals
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involved, and, after a short while in the pasture, he requested that Old
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MacDonald sell him the Bovine Animal, since, as he pointed out, he had need of
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just such a Job Holder to inhabit one of his barns. Old MacDonald was pleased
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to oblige and offered to deliver the animal to Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm next
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door that very afternoon.
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Everything was soon concluded satisfactorily. (The Bovine Animal was
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especially happy, since she had not been milked for several weeks, being, of
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course, a Bovine Animal and not a Milk Cow.)
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During his trip to the Dairy to deliver the Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald
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noticed that the Milk Cows at the Dairy were giving milk. Moreover, most of
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them had Calves. Old MacDonald calculated rapidly and decided to employ a Milk
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Cow on his own Farm. He asked Farmer Jones how much Annual Salary (Full-time,
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Base Rate) a Milk Cow should earn.
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"Oh, my animals have no Job Titles," replied Farmer Jones. "They are
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commodities. I could sell you one if you like. In fact, I could sell you this
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one that I just bought from you -- at a small profit, of course."
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Old MacDonald promptly went back to the Procurement Officer and requested that
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she buy the milk cow from Farmer Jones. The Procurement Officer gave him forms
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to fill out. He obliged, but she still seemed to see difficulties in the
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transaction.
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"You cannot sole source an item unless the vendor is the only source from which
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the equivalent item can be bought. You then need a letter explaining (1) why
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this vendor is the only source for this needed item, and (2) why the
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specifications of the said item are necessary for your farm work."
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"But I bought grain last week from The Speedy Seed Company, using a sole source
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Purchase Order, and you did not say anything then."
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"That was a Chemical, food additive. You already had a letter on file for this
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type of purchase."
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"Besides, this is only $250.00. Couldn't we make an exception for just one
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penny?"
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"No exceptions."
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Old MacDonald didn't see how he could justify the specifications of a cow to be
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bought as "sole source" under these rules, so he asked how else he might be
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able to purchase the item.
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"You must get three bids," the Procurement Officer said.
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So Old MacDonald called three farms and got three bids on a milk cow. Mr.
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Smith's cow was two dollars cheaper. The Procurement Officer informed Old
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MacDonald that he would have to buy the cheaper product. It was a Farm Law.
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"But I want a Guernsey cow, because they give richer milk," said Old MacDonald.
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"You cannot purchase solely on the basis of Brand Names," returned the
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Procurement Officer. "You must get three bids, based on Qualifications of
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Equivalent Items; as, for example, size, equipment, and function."
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So Old MacDonald got three more bids. This time he specified "Cow, medium
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size, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it."
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This seemed to satisfy the Procurement Officer, since neither of the other two
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farms he called had that exact type of item, and each one put in a "No Bid."
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Soon, however, the Procurement Officer called Old MacDonald back and declared,
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"We cannot buy this item from Farmer Jones. 'Cows, medium size, having one
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udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it' are on Farm
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Contract with Farmer Smith. You will have to buy one of his."
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"But his are Herefords and nearly eight years old! And two of them limp!" Old
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MacDonald was beginning to shout.
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"Well, you cannot specify according to age, race, sex, color, or handicapped
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condition. (We are members of the Equality In Expenses for Investment
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Opportunities Division of the Equality In Expenditures for Interstate
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Opportunities Commission -- the EIEIO, EIEIO -- you know, and cannot
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discriminate well.) If you want to buy a different type of animal, you should
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have used the correct specification in your Order when you took bids."
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Old MacDonald looked in the Farm Contract Book, wrote his specifications very
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carefully, took three more bids, and was finally successful.
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Since it had taken him three days to buy back the milk cow that had once been a
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Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald was anxious to get the animal as soon as possible.
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He offered to pick the animal up himself at Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm that very
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afternoon. When he got there, he realized that he had not put into the
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Purchase Order a request for a halter, and since he could not lead the animal
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back home without one, he asked Farmer Jones what to do. Farmer Jones
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obligingly offered to sell him the halter that had come with the animal for
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half of the original retail price if Old MacDonald would take the animal away
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at that time and not bother Farmer Jones any more. Old MacDonald agreed and
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took the animal back to his Farm.
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When he notified the Procurement Officer about the sale, however, she refused
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to repay the fee, since reimbursements are not allowed on Farm Accounts, and
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since he had not justified buying used equipment in advance. Old MacDonald
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told her that this was a Service of Milk Cow transportation, replacement part
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from the Vendor who sold the Milk Cow, and she finally agreed to reimburse him
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from her butter-and-egg money.
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It was shortly after this transaction that Old MacDonald decided he wasn't cut
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out for Farm Life. Too many Rules and Regulations, he decided. So he moved
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his Family (Wife and Daughter) back to the City (Urban area, heavily populated)
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and became the Director of the Bureau for Bureaucratically Underprivileged
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Rurally-Educated Areas' Urbanization (the Bureau of BUREAUs), and they lived
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bureaucratically every after.
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UNFORTUNATELY PROBABLY NOT
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THE END
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