108 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
108 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism
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by Mark Twain
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[One evening in Paris in 1879, The Stomach Club, a society of
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American writers and artists, gathered to drink well, to eat a
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good dinner and hear an address by Mark Twain. He was among
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friends and, according to the custom of the club, he delivered a
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humorous talk on a subject hardly ever mentioned in public in that
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day and age. After the meeting, he preserved the manuscript among
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his papers. It was finally printed in a pamphlet limited to 50
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copies 64 years later.]
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_________________________________________________________________
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My gifted predecessor has warned you against the "social
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evil--adultery." In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he
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left absolutely nothing more to be said on it. But I will
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continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you
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against that species of recreation called self-abuse to which I
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perceive you are much addicted. All great writers on health and
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morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately
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subject; this shows its dignity and importance. Some of these
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writers have taken one side, some the other.
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Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine
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enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in
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his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the
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forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a
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benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they
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still have this majestic diversion." In another place this
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experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it
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to sodomy."
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Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this
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gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of
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virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the
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hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said,
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"Masturbation is the best policy."
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Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters,"
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I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used
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similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-
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negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is
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manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and
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tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his
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latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line
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which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but
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to love it; none name it but to praise."
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Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the
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masters of this renowned science, and apologists for it. The
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name of those who decry it and oppose it is legion; they have made
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strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it--but there
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is not room to repeat them here in much detail. Brigham Young, an
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expert of incontestable authority, said, "As compared with the
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other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the
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lightning." Solomon said, "There is nothing to recommend it but
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its cheapness." Galen said, "It is shameful to degrade to such
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bestial uses that grand limb, that formidable member, which we
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votaries of Science dub the Major Maxillary--when they dub it at
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all--which is seldom, It would be better to amputate the os
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frontis than to put it to such use."
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The great statistician Smith, in his report to Parliament,
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says, "In my opinion, more children have been wasted in this way
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than any other." It cannot be denied that the high antiquity of
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this art entitles it to our respect; but at the same time, I think
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its harmfulness demands our condemnation. Mr. Darwin was grieved
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to feel obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the
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connecting link between man and the lower animals. I think he was
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too hasty. The monkey is the only animal, except man, that
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practices this science; hence, he is our brother; there is a bond
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of sympathy and relationship between us. Give this ingenuous
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animal an audience of the proper kind and he will straightway put
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aside his other affairs and take a whet; and you will see by his
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contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an
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intelligent and human interest in his performance.
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The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime
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are easily detectable. They are these: a disposition to eat, to
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drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke
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and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint
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pictures. The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of
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virility, loss of cheerfulness and loss of progeny.
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Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the
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least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an
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occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no
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money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most
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cultured society it has long been banished from the social board.
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It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been
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degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred,
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these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent
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of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still
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permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the
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fundamental sigh.
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My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of
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the "social evil" are bad. I would teach you that some of these
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forms are more to be avoided than others. So, in concluding, I
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say, "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone
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hand too much." When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your
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system, get your Vendome Column down some other way--don't jerk it
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down.
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