406 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
406 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
Disclaimer: Pot is illegal and I don't give a fuck.
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Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of your very own personal copy
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of the -OFFICIAL- Criminal Minded <tm> Mary Jane Guide!!! (Please do NOT be
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fooled by cheap imitations)
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First off I want you to observe the lovely artwork included in this guide:
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*
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***
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* *** *
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** ***** **
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*** ***** ***
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**** ***** ****
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** ****** ***** ****** **
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****** ****** *** ****** ******
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****** **** *** **** *******
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******* ** * ** *******
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*********************
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*********
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**** * ****
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** * **
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*
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*
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Wasn't that beautiful? Such magnificent color! Such outstanding clarity!
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Anyway:
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In this guide:
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=============================================================================
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Part 1: Starting The Growth Process -
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Part 2: Taking care of the newborns - How to insure the survival of your
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newly sprouted plants.
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Part 3: Maintaining the plants once they start to get bigger.
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Part 4: Preparation of the plant for 'consumption'
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Part 5: Security and safety measures.
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Part 6: Criminal Minded's <tm> mini guide to enjoying your plants!
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Part 7: Final Notes.
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=============================================================================
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Part 1: Ok, this first step is, of course, the most important step in
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assuring the successful start of a nice healthy plant or plants.
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The trick to it is to "germinate" the seeds. This is very easily
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done. All you have to do is take two paper napkins and place the
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seeds in between them. Once that is done, put them in a warm spot
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and keep the napkins moist. Keep them like this for a week or so.
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You will know when they are ready because the seed will split open
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and a little white thing will protrude from the seed.
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Note: I recommend germinating at least 10 seeds. This makes your
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chances of results much better.
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BONUS Crimmy Tip!!! --> Use a miracle gro/water mixture to germinate the seeds
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with. Miracle gro (the powdered kind) comes with a
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little 'dual scoop' inside the box. Use the smaller
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scoop and mix that much miracle gro with a half gallon
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of water. If you use tap water I suggest that you boil
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it first to remove as much germs and other nasties from
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the water to prevent disease in your plants. Anyway, the
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miracle gro/water mixture used to germinate the seeds
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gives, in my opinion, the seeds a head start. They are
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spoiled from day one so keep in mind you must always
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spoil them.
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Important Note: DO NOT put too much miracle gro powder in the water because
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it can burn through the leaves and the roots. Read the back
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of the box for specific instructions.
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BONUS Crimmy Tip!!! --> Before the week is up take ten small pots and fill
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them with ORGANIC potting soil to about here:
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------------------
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Pot ---> \ /
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Soil line --> |______________|
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----------------
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[Please note, once again, the spectacular graphics above]
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Once you have filled them with soil take the required (see chart below) number
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of Jobes Plant Spikes for each pot and place them around the sides of the pot
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spacing them equal distances apart.
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Chart from back of Jobe's plant spikes package:
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-----------------------------------------------------------
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Pot Diameter (inches): 4 6 8 10 12
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-----------------------------------------------------------
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Use This Many Spikes: 2 3 4 5 6
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-----------------------------------------------------------
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Then take your miracle gro/water solution and wet the soil so that it is
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moist, not saturated. You want to keep the soil moist for the entire week
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while your seeds are germinating. After the week is up you are now ready.
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Take your finger and push it halfway down into the soil in the middle of the
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pot. The hole is where the seed will go (duh). Now remove your seeds from the
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paper napkins and carefully drop one in each of the pots (only one seed per
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pot). Now just gently fill the hole with dirt and that's it. You should see
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some sprouts within 1 to 5 days. If you do not see anything withing 7-10 days,
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try again.
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Now onto Part 2:
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Once your seeds have sprouted taking care of them is basically elementary.
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1. If there is any dirt or pebbles wedged in between the leaves of the plant
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gently remove them.
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2. Keep them warm.
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3. Keep the soil moist (with the miracle gro mixture of course).
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4. Keep any large pebbles or anything else that might obstruct their growth
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away from them. (Sometimes you will find rocks/pebbles/twigs in with
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potting soil).
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5. Spray them very gently with the miracle gro mixture. Do not spray them
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full blast with your spray bottle.
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and most important:
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As the newborn plant gets bigger gently add more soil around the base of the
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plant so that the top of the soil is just beneath the top of the seedling.
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This provides more support for it as it grows (they tend to fall over) and
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promotes root growth. Once they look strong enough to support themselves you
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can stop adding more soil. I'd say this time would be when they are a few
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inches tall.
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Note: When your plant reaches around 10-12 inches tall I suggest transplanting
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it into a bigger pot. The bigger the better because you will have to
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transplant it less often, reducing the possibility of it going into
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shock and dying. To transplant it, gently edge a butter knife around
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the edge of the pot to loosen the soil and then tip the pot upside down
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and gently shake it. It should come out as a whole. Then just dig a
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hole in the soil of the new pot and insert your plant and soil plug.
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Then cover it with new soil and water a little.
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Part 3: Maintaining the plants once they get bigger.
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1. As your plants get bigger you will notice leaves closer to the middle of
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the plant that are starting to turn brown on the tips and curl up. After a
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while just gently pull these off and new ones will grow, some with branches
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extending from them with more leaves on them.
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2. Make sure you water them regularly so that the top of the soil never dries
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out.
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3. Insert Jobes Plant Spikes every two months. (refer to the back of the
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package for instructions/information).
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4. Spray them regularly and gently with the miracle gro solution from about a
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foot away. Make sure you spray the entire plant.
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5. Keep them nice and warm with the use of a phosphorous plant bulb.
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How many bulbs you actually use depends on how many plants you intend to
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grow. If you have more than four plants I suggest you get two dual bulb
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lighting fixtures. Ya know, the long bulbs. Put white bulbs in one and the
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other flourescent bulbs. Keep the white bulbs on them during the day and
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the flourescent ones on during the night. Perhaps two phosphorous coated
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plant "show and gro" bulbs directed at the plants will help, too. Of
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course if you only have two or three plants the two phosphorous bulbs is
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really all you need. Those and maybe a ultraviolet bulb for at night. You
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might also want to line the area where the plans will be with tinfoil. It
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helps reflect the light.
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6. If the leaves on the very top of the plant start to curl up and turn
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brown I suggest not having as many lamps on the plant or to not have
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the bulbs on as long each day.
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Important Note: You want to keep the top of the plant at least a foot away
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from the bulbs because they can catch fire and burn down.
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When they get taller you might want to keep the bulbs on
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them not as long as you used to. You can buy a timer to
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turn the bulbs on and off at regular intervals. I suggest
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you don't let the plant grow taller than four or five feet
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anyway. Just stunt the top every now and then so that it
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doesn't get any taller. Also, this way it will grow out
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rather than up so you will have a nice fat plant in a small
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amount of space. And always remember: Kill the males and
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keep the females else the males will fertilize the females
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and they won't bud. How to recognize the males from the
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females? Well, for one: the male grows faster I believe.
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Don't quote me on that. Other ways to spot it: Go pick up
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a book on cannabis savita. That, I am sure, would tell you
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better than I could. Last but not least: The roots are
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always growing and probing deeper for water so you must
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water it regularly to prevent out of control root growth
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and this way you won't have to put it in bigger pots as
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often. I would say that a pot with a 2 to 2.5 foot circumf-
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erence is as big a pot as you will need for the plant.
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Optional: Play your plant some soft mellow music. Leave the stereo on fixed
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on a station like WMJX or something. Don't keep it too loud, though.
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Part 4: Preparation of the plant for 'consumption'
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This is easy. Pluck the buds and let them dry out. Then smoke them. Most
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people say: "hang the buds upside down to dry" I say no, don't do that. Just
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lay them flat on a piece of wax paper or something. If you hang them all the
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resin will go to the top of the bud and you will have killer weed at the top
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but the rest of the weed will be so-so. If you lay them flat it assures even
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distribution of the resin throughout the bud. Make sure you clean the buds
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and remove all the seeds before smoking so you can assure yourself of a nice
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smooth high and have the seeds for the second generation.
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Part 5: Security and safety measures.
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Yes, folks, the cultivation of Mary Jane, wrongfully so, is still illegal. So
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we must keep on our toes to avoid an unwanted confrontation with the blue man.
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This is what I suggest you do to ensure the safety of you and your plants:
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1. -NEVER- leave ANY paraphanelia laying around. This includes pipes, bongs,
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papers, roach clips, high times, screens, suture removers, seeds, the plant
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itself, etc. A lot of marijuana busts happen because of the man being there
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for some other reason and then they see something like a pipe, or roaches
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in an ashtray.
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2. Burn incense regularly, especially before/after/during getting high. This
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will help cover up the unique smell of the smoke and the plant(s) growing
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in your closet. You can also regularly dump a cheap but strong cologne
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NEAR the area (NOT in the area) where your plants are growing to help kill
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the smell once they start to bud.
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4. Keep any plugs used for the lights hidden yet readily accessible in case of
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a visit by the man so you can unplug them. A light in a closet or somewhere
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where there really shouldn't be one might attract attention.
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5. Just use common sense, if you have any.
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Part 6: Criminal Minded's <tm> mini guide to enjoying your plants!
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Now for some REAL entertainment!!
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I, as a proud member of the cannabis culture, have music, movies, videos, TV
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shows, places, etc, that I enjoy mixing with marijuana and here I present to
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you a list of them. I have also compiled a list of different names for
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Cannabis Savita (with the help of Wavy Gravy in a High Times article - that is
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what I remember of them), and some other lists.
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My top albums to listen to when stoned:
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1. Pink Floyd: Dark Side Of The Moon
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2. Roger Waters: The Pros And Cons Of Hitchhiking
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3. Pink Floyd: The Final Cut
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4. Pink Floyd: The Wall
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5. The Doors: Greatest Hits
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6. Led Zeppelin: -Any- album
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My favorite music videos to watch when stoned:
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1. Any Floyd/Waters/Gilmour
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2. November Rain - GnR
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3. Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
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My top songs to listen to when stoned:
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1. Pink Floyd: Time
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2. Roger Waters: The pros and cons of hitchhiking, part 10
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3. Pink Floyd - Breathe reprise
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4. Pink Floyd: Comfortably numb
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5. Pink Floyd: Not now John
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6. The Doors: Riders on the storm
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7. Led Zeppelin: Stairway to Heaven/All my love/Fool in the rain (3 way tie)
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My favorite lyrics to ponder when stoned:
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1. "I was standing on the leading edge. Jump! said Yoko Ono. I'm scared and
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too good looking I cried. Go on she said. Why don't you give it a try?
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Why prolong the agony, all men must die" (The Pros And Cons Of Hitch-
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hiking, Part 10 - Roger Waters)
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2. "Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day you fritter and waste the
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hours in an off hand way. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your own
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town waiting for someone or something to show you the way. Tired of lying
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in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain you are young and life is
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long and there is time to kill today and then one day you find ten years
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have got behind you no one told you when to run, you missed the starting
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gun and you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking and
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racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in the
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relative way, but you're older and shorter of breathe and one day closer
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to death. Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time.
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Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines.
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Hanging on in quiet desparation is the English way. The time is gone the
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song is over, thought I'd something more to say..." (Time - Pink Floyd)
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3. "Home, home again. I like to be here when I can. When I come in cold and
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tired it's good to warm my bones beside the fire. Far away across the
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field the tolling of the iron bell calls the faithful to their knees to
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hear the softly spoken magic spells" (Breathe Reprise - Pink Floyd)
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4. "We watched the tragedy unfold. We did as we were told. We bought and sold.
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It was the greatest show on Earth. But then it was over. We oohed and
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aahed. We drove our racing cars. We ate our last few jars of caviar. And
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somewhere out there in the stars a keen-eyed lookout spied a flickering
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light. Our last hurrah. And when they found our shadows grouped around
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the TV sets they ran down every lead they repeated every test. They
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checked out all the data on their lists and then the alien anthropologists
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admitted they were still perplexed but on eliminating every other reason
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for our sad demise they logged the only explanation left. This species
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has amused itself to death" (Amused To Death - Roger Waters)
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My favorite TV shows to watch when stoned:
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1. COPS
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2. Sightings
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3. In Search Of
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4. Ren And Stimpy
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My favorite lines from songs:
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1. Getting high all the time hope you all are, too - Edgar Winter
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2. Everybody must get stooooooned - Dylan
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3. Legalize it - Peter Tosh
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4. Flyin' High Again - Ozzy
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My favorite things to do when stoned:
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1. Watch/Listen to a severe lightning/thunder storm
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2. Watch any of the videos/movies/TV shows listed in this tfile.
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3. Listen to any of the music listed in this tfile
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4. Be any of the places listed in this tfile
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5. Just relax and enjoy the high
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My Hemp Hero:
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Wavy Gravy, The Clown Prince Of Pot.
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The "I Smoke Pot And I Have The Balls To Admit It" Award Goes Out To:
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The Black Crowes for performing with a 48 foot x 24 foot banner with a huge
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marijuana leaf on it.
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My favorite movies to watch when stoned:
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1. Pink Floyd: The Wall
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2. The Doors
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3. Altered States
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4. Jacob's Ladder
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5. The Hustler/The Color Of Money (tie)
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Favorite sports to play when stoned:
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1. Pool
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2. Darts
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Favorite Munchies Food:
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1. Junk Food/Chinese Food/Chocolate/Anything!
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My favorite places to be when stoned:
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1. On a boat out in the middle of the ocean
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2. An island
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3. The beach at night
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4. Mainly outdoors
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Favorite Smoking Paraphanelia:
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1. My water bong, Owen
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2. My wooden and clay pipe
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3. My stone and brass skull pipe
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What I hate doing when stoned:
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1. Staying indoors
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2. Reading
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3. Falling asleep
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4. Working
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5. Programming
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Favorite beer to go with Mary Jane:
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1. Budweiser, of course.
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What I do best when stoned:
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1. Come up with creative writing ideas
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2. Be lazy
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3. Eat
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Hemp Aliases:
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Boo, Grass, Green, Ganja, Gaje, Thunderfuck, Cheeba, Hooch, Smoke, Herb,
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Pot, Dope, Weed, Mississippi Mud, Tea, Mary Jane, Spliff, Herbals, Skunk,
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Cannabis, Cannabis Savita, Brick, Bread....
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well, that's only a little over half of them...feel free to add a name to the
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list and stick your name at the bottom under the part that says:
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"Contributions:"
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Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one time text file and that you gained what
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knowledge you needed to grow your own Mary Jane at home. I wish you all the
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best success and don't forget to live by the "Crimmy Golden Rule":
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