199 lines
6.9 KiB
Plaintext
199 lines
6.9 KiB
Plaintext
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(word processor parameters LM=8, RM=78, TM=2, BM=2)
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Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501
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Sponsored by Vangard Sciences
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PO BOX 1031
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Mesquite, TX 75150
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August 24, 1990
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courtesy of the InterOciter at 214-401-1878
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Cartoon Laws
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Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin
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Cartoon Law I.
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Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
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aware of its situation.
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Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further
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pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing
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flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this
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point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second
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per second takes over.
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Cartoon Law II.
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Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid
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matter intervenes suddenly.
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Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
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foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their
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momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
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boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
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Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of
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motion the stooge's surcease.
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Cartoon Law III.
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Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
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conforming to its perimeter.
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Also called the silhouette of passage, this
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phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-
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pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are
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so eager to escape that they exit directly through
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the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
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perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony
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often catalyzes this reaction.
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Page 1
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Cartoon Law IV.
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The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is
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greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked
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it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to
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capture it unbroken.
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Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt
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to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
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Cartoon Law V.
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All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
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Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a
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shock to propel them directly away from the earth's
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surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature
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sound will induce motion upward, usually to the
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cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a
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flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or
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the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the
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ground, especially when in flight.
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Cartoon Law VI.
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As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
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This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights,
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in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging
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from the cloud of altercation at several places
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simultaneously. This effect is common as well among
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bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A
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'wacky' character has the option of self-replication
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only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls
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to achieve the velocity required.
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Cartoon Law VII.
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Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
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tunnel entrances; others cannot.
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This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled
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generation, but at least it is known that whoever
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paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an
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opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
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theoretical space. The painter is flattened against
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the wall when he attempts to follow into the
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painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
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of science.
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Cartoon Law VIII.
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Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
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Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the
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traditional nine lives might comfortably afford.
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They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-
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pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot
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Page 2
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be destroyed. After a few momentsof blinking self
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pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or
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solidify.
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Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
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Cartoon Law IX.
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For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
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This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that
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also applies to the physical world at large. For
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that reason, we need the relief of watching it
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happen to a duck instead.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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If you have comments or other information relating to such topics as
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this paper covers, please upload to KeelyNet or send to the Vangard
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Sciences address as listed on the first page. Thank you for your
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consideration, interest and support.
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Jerry W. Decker.........Ron Barker...........Chuck Henderson
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Vangard Sciences/KeelyNet
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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If we can be of service, you may contact
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Jerry at (214) 324-8741 or Ron at (214) 484-3189
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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Page 3
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