133 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
133 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
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December 11, 1990
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REDNECK.ASC
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The information in this paper was excerpted from the Dallas Morning
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News, Sunday, December 9, 1990 - page 46A
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If the Boots fit, wear'em
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by Donnis Baggett
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A new book entitled "You Might be a RedNeck if..." describes the
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traits of the average RedNeck.
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You're most likely a RedNeck if:
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Your bicycle has a gun rack.
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Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
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You have a rag for a gas cap.
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You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
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The tires on your pickup are bigger than the tires
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on your mobile home.
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Your idea of Haute Cuisine is extra-spicy pork skins.
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Most of your friends are named Bob, Joe or Bill (or a combination
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thereof (Joe Bob, Billy Joe, Joe Bill, Billy Bob, Bobby Joe...).
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You think Dom Perignon is a stand-up comic.
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Your idea of dressing for dinner is a clean T-shirt
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and a new gimme cap.
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The brim of our Resistol blocks the view of your rearview mirror.
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Your pickup has more chrome than the Baylor emergency room.
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You consider Hank Williams' birthday a religious holiday.
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You have actually used the four-wheel drive on your
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truck in the past six months.
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You look up when somebody says, "Hey, Bubba!"
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Both your wife and your mother look up when you say, "Hey, Mamma!"
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You pay scalper prices for tickets to a tractor pull.
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You know all the words to FRIEND IN LOW PLACES.
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Your VCR is programmed to tape HEE HAW.
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Even your good jeans have a circle on the hip pocket.
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Your idea of modern art is a new Silver Bullet poster.
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You think Clint Eastwood deserved an Oscar for DIRTY HARRY.
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Your dream vacation is a trip to Opryland in a Winnebago.
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Your favorite designer is Levi Strauss.
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You send a money order to Willie Aid.
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You get a Christmas card from Tony Lama.
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Your bowling bag and your pool cue case are made of
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matching genuine virgin vinyl.
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You're comfortable discussing the relative merits
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of the Von Erichs vs. the Freebirds.
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You do your Mother's Day shopping at the mudgrip aisle in Wal-Mart.
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You get excited over a letter that begins,
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"Congratulations! You have already won one of the following..."
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Your idea of high tech is a set of jumper cables.
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The bed of your truck bears a striking resemblance
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to a Reynolds recycling bin.
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You consider Sly Stallone presidential material.
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You Might be a RedNeck is published by Longstreet Press, Atlanta,
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and retails for $4.95.
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