282 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
282 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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| File Name : BARNEY_M.ASC | Online Date : 05/08/95 |
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| Contributed by : InterNet | Dir Category : HUMOR |
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| From : KeelyNet BBS | DataLine : (214) 324-3501 |
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From: djw@wang.com (David Weinstein)
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Date: Thu, 14 Apr 1994 19:57:45 GMT
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Newsgroups: alt.mindcontrol
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Subject: Evil Is Now Among Us!
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~From: masc1396@sdsu.edu (Avoid normal situations.)
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~Newsgroups: alt.flame
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~Subject: Evil Is Now Among Us. Important.
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~Date: 23 Aug 1993 03:40:40 GMT
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Organization: The Special Corps
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[ Article crossposted from alt.satanism,alt.evil ]
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[ Author was alpha ]
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[ Posted on 21 Aug 1993 22:04:02 -0600 ]
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A
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N ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter
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T Issue #1
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I
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B A R N E Y
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L ABL- "A group of people united
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E in a single goal. Be
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A scared Barney. We have
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G a mandate from the people
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U and GOD almighty!"
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E
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I hate Barney! I hate Barney! I hate Barney!
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-- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age:
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A World Without Barney"
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"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!"
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-- Gumby, '60s animation star
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Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney
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Must Die Newsletter.
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It is time that we must unite agaist a force that is covering
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our nation like a dark cloud. Barney is evil.
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Barney and his Backyard gang are out to control the minds of
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kids, so that after the seed of Barney is planted in their
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psyche, they will more willingly accept a kind and gentle
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DICTATORSHIP, by a man in a purple rubber suit. The problem
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will grow unless we do some thing about it. Dinosaurs can't
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be citizens, so let's send him to Costa Rica.
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PBS sponsors a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check
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your local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of
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irritating small children and a purple toy dinosaur named
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"Barney" who comes to life and sings songs of a pro-social
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nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You Song", sung to
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the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo:
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I love you.
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You love me.
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We're a happy family.
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With a great big hug,
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And a kiss from me to you,
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Won't you say you love me too?
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JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?
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Barney is said to be some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur
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suit. Several things about this theory don't add up. For one
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thing, Barney has full mobility.
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Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his
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hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his
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stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's
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because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was
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operating his beak.
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Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working
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mouth, and large moving cow like eyes. If a man is in there,
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he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the
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ability to leap in the air a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human
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would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.)
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If he's not human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?
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1) He's a real dinosaur.
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Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is
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questionable, the geological record is far from complete.
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Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support
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current revisionist paleontological theory. (The singing
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ability is a new twist, however.)
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And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the
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other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carinvore
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(Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore,
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or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.
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2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly
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parent figure in order to train young children to be his
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unholy army of ultimate darkness.
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You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it
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seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why.
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Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to
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test this out would be to confront the fiend with a bloody
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crucifix.
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3) He's a space alien.
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This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might
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have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even
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begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors,
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even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of theses could
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account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the
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show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.
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HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?
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1) Wait for him to go away.
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Most media darlings eventually do this, however, our
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children's BRAINS are at stake.
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2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips
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shut.
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You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.
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3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.
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If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he
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doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think
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of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's
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Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)
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4) Stop believing in him.
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Scoff if you will, but this has worked with others recorded in
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history.
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Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT
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Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's
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an alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And
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remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is
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dead.dead.dead.
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Barney the Dinosaur is amongst us all, brainwashing hapless
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children, and you sit there at your terminal chuckling at my
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so-called "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an
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end to his evil Jurassic schemes.
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Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has
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invaded a toy stuffed kind of malignant supernatural force
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that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur.
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There are two principal Barney modes.
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1) There is the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall
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fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and talks and
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sings like an brain damaged castrati.
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2) There is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small
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stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is
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Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on
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any form he chooses.
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We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume
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that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he
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IS a fuzzy harmless doll.
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In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in
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active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall
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whereas in active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT
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shall be his downfall.
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You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a bloody crucifix,
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an iron rod, a Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them
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ready at all times in case of random Barney encounters.
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If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active
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mode, take these steps:
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*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*
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His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you
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gaze too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and
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soul. The effect isn't as obvious on T.V., at least not with
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adults.
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*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*
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The real danger comes, from the seductive quality of his Song
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Of Entrapment:
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I love you....
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Etc...
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Etc...
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Etc...
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Won't you say you love me too?
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If you DO say you love him, then he OWNS your soul and all its
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accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.
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*ACT CASUAL.*
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Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an
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autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you
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can get him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for
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all eternity.
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(NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work.
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While he is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like
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this, it's certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about
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him sucking up your soul like jello through a Hoover.)
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*DESTROY HIM.*
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Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect
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a thing. The following methods will certainly annilihate most
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creatures of darkness:
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1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a bloody crucufix, saying
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"Hey? Hey? Hey? Big fella?"
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2) Blow pepper at him. Have a Holy Man of God ready to say "Bless
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you," when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get
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Barney-bits all over you.
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3) Blow his face off with a flare gun.
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4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.)
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5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?
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6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a
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3-D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water
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FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head,
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while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it.
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(Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope.
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Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)
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One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to
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field test any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh.
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All of the above applies to HIM, too.
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There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our
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wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our
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misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous
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creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be
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destroyed. The termination of Barney must therefore become a
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goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we
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protect our children and stop his evil reign!
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FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE
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Just turn down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears.
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Striped of his music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me'
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chant, one of his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness
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immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this,
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you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently
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moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you. After a
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moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what
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must be done.
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--
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_\\|//_ Disclaimer: The Usual
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o o Howard Stern for the Governorship of New York in
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'94!!!
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-----uuu--U--uuu-------------------
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--
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