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The FidoNet HOLYSMOKE Frequently Made-up Questions sheet
By David Rice, Last Revised 12 October, 1994
INTRODUCTION by various echo members selected at random:
"Welcome to the lovely world of HolySmoke! Watch out! The sugar-
coating you now wear will probably wear off before long. It
doesn't take very long, here. We're the Comet Cleanser of
religion." Questor Thews
"Perhaps you would send some [newspaper articles] my
way...yeah...I know it's like the rest of your life...one big
circus of lies." Ron Stringfollow
"Beware! The Jew is the antichrist.
(rv.2:9,3:9)(1jn.2:22)(jn.8:44)" -- John Pierce
"Which Jew?!" -- David Rice
"We're not here to discuss religion, we're here to be disgusted
by it." Gwen "Gwenny the pooh" Todd
"Sorry, I must have misunderstood your question. I believe that
the Holy Spirit caused one of Mary's eggs to become a fetus
without sperm." Steve Bedard
"A human needs a God like a whale needs a harpoon." - David Rice
"In vertebrates, the phenomena of parthenogenesis (look it up)
is well documented in the classes Pisces, Amphibia and Reptilia,
but not in Aves nor Mammalia. Therefore, we are forced to
conclude that ol' Jesus must have been either a land shark or
the original lounge lizard." Marty Leipzig answers Steve Bedard.
"This ain't the harmony echo, dipshit." - Robert Curry.
"They sat down in the kitchen, where the morons started pulling
out bibles, books, pamphlets, and other assorted implements of
destruction." Kelsey Bjarnason
"In no way am I your physical or mental inferior and I refuse to
be addressed as one, you drooling asswipe." - Lynne Rosendale
"This echo is abomination. This echo is also filled with those
who will one day bend their knee to Jesus Christ and call him
Lord, whether they like it or not! And to think how much fun I'm
gonna have fun watching you say it." Martin Riley
"Anybody that brags about hearing voices in his/her head
concerns me." Steve Quarrella
"No need to pity me. Jesus gives me all the help I need." Steve
Bedard
"It is like arguing with a lump of shit. The longer one argues
with shit, the sillier one appears, and the shit ain't
listening." David Rice
"God told me the Book of Mormon was true." Conrad Knudson
"One thing at a time. Answer the question, godling." Ron
Stringfellow
"HolySmoke is a drive-by shooting on the information
superhighway." Marty Leipzig
"Calling [Bob Larson's] radio theater show 'hard-hitting' would
be like comparing the intellect of Dan Quayle favorably with
that of Leonardo da Vinci or Albert Einstein." Sean McCullough
"If god breathed on a pile of dust all he would get is a cloud
and maybe a sneeze or two." Lonny Bethany
"It's rather like having Freedie Kruger babysit children. Or
asking Pee Wee Herman to teach human sexuality. Or asking Jim
Bakker to be treasurer of the United States. Or asking Jim Jones
to look over the refreshments." Fredric Rice
"'God' is the name of a particular god, the Christian one." Bob
Winn
"In Cyber-Space, no one gives a damn if you scream." Steve Rose
"Peter, I know what pi r2 is and have since the beginning. . .
and I am sure that god took that into account." Ron Stringfellow
"Any god who was elected a god by majority vote, like Jesus,
must have a severe identity crisis." David Rice
"I missed being god by one vote!" Odin
"Jesus is Isis!?? Christ! I've been fucking the wrong god!"
Steve Rose
"'I am saved.' From what? Having to think for yourself?" Fredric
Rice
"When we believe that our individual will is the superior force
in the cosmos we deny the harmony which creation itself seeks.
Jesus's struggle in Gesthemane shows us that there is a will to
be served beyond our own self-interests. . ." Jesse C. Jones
". . . Jesus had nothing to loose, either." Fredric Rice answers
Jesse
"Lies are hard to keep straight in an era without sophisticated
communications, it would seem." Simon Ewins
"BUT... if I told you that 1+1=1, as idiotic as it seems, until
I am proven wrong, I am right." Zach Webb
"AIDS cures queers (see Romans 1:27)" Ken Cusick
"Faith in yourself will not help when the problem is beyond your
control." Steve Bedard
"The use of pepper is the only blasphemy." Robert Curry
"My my, I have the false Christian scum (and their infidel,
reprobate brethren), the Sodomites and the general filth of
FidoNet all ganging up on me." Steve Winter
"Okay, then, remember this bit of advice: when a girl asks to
see your sex organs, stick out your tongue and hold up a
finger." Hector Plasmic
"'Passage?' It's death, Jesse. The end of that individual. End
of the line. Everybody off, this is the last stop. Your ticket
doesn't get you any further. Your ticket is punched. Gas tank is
empty and you don't have the energy to get out and walk."
Fredric Rice
"By-the-way, Mary is still a slut and your precious Jesus is
long dead and rotted in the grave. I've profaned your Savior,
now what do you intend to do about it?" Shelby Sherman
"Do you imagine that sexuality began with mammals? Cockroaches
are male and female, as you would notice if you paid any
attention to your congregation." Don Martin
"Okay. I'll retract the story about the man who was arrested for
praying in the Florida restaurant. But only because you and
others are hung up on it. This should clear the way for what I
really want to prove. That is the Historicity of Jesus. So,
Robert, you have my retraction for what it's worth. (Not that
it's a lie.)" Joe Savelli
"I see now why Jesus said the Jews' father is the devil. Beware!
The Jew is the antichrist." Keith Baxter
"If 'Jesus' does come to Earth- is it the first coming (as per
Jewish tradition), second (Xian), or third (Mormon)? I wonder-
and I hope he lands feet first on ALL televangelists. (Preying
on fear sickens me!!!)" Rachael Roth
"What's wrong with 'foul language', asshole?" C. J. Henshaw
"Matt, do you suppose incest is why we have fundamentalists?"
Liz Saunders
"Jesus made claims that have been proven to be wrong... Mark
9:1, Matthew 16:28, Matthew 23:36, Luke 9:27, Matthew 24:21-34,
Matthew 10:23... all claiming foreknowledge of his return, all
wrong. Gee, maybe he's dead." Simon Ewins
"Ciya is a blasphemous tool of your cunning." Jesse C. Jones
"I'm so ugly I could make a buzzard throw up." David Rice
"If the theists all shut up, the gods would be speechless."
Robert Curry
"We already have the necessary proof - the Scriptures. God has
already told us what happened. Why do we need further proof?"
Derek Williams
"What scares the shit out of me is that here in southern
Tennessee (and probably many other areas) the psychological
clinics are LINKING religious beliefs and psychological well-
being. That's kind of like giving someone AIDS to cure sexual
dysfunction." Tim Bennett
"If your only objective is to demean the Bible and bash
Christians then you have willingly joined the legion of Satans's
angels." Ron Ballew
"Creation 'Science' is to science what Rap 'music' is to music:
a lot of noise and utterly incoherent." David Rice
This is the introduction to the HOLYSMOKE FidoNet echo conference FAQ.
It attempts to ask the question, "Why is there holy smoke?" The quick
answer is, "Because it fills a need." The long answer is slightly more
complicated.
There are many religion-based echo conferences in FidoNet, most of which
are sponsored and moderated by members of various religions. The
majority of these conferences are various forms of monotheism such as
Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, with various Christian cults
dominating (in Zone 1). Many other religious conferences are
polytheistic or pantheistic, such as Wiccan, Pagan, and neo-Pagan. And
then there are what can loosely be clumped together as "New Age," though
much of "New Age Thought" is not religious, but rather philosophical and
ideological--- this observation varies from one "New Ager" to another.
The latter two echoes welcome honest inquiry and criticism. The Wiccan
religion, of which there are several "Traditions,", REQUIRE honest
inquiry, relentless questioning, and harsh criticism from their members
and students to any dogma that may be presented--- the Wiccan echoes
reflect this free inquiry, and all queries are generally answered in the
spirit of honesty and mutual respect.
I haven't spent any time in the "New Age" echoes, so I cannot tell you
about them.
If you have spent any time at all reading the monotheist echoes, and
particularly the Christian and Islamic ones, you will have discovered
that the moderators, without exception, are authoritarian, dictatorial,
and grim "control freaks" who will not tolerate honest inquiry of their
ridged dogma--- questioning "virgin births," "bleeding / weeping
statues," and asking "Why would god pray to himself?" are immediately
ruled "off topic," and the person posing the question may have her echo
feed severed, usually with a lot of hell and damnation thrown in,
sometimes with threats of legal action, and then she is ordered to
repent from her sin of questioning "god" (i.e. the moderator's occult
beliefs). Since these cults refuse to accept anything less than
unquestioned obedience to their religious dogma, another echo was
required where one may go and ask the right questions and discover the
truth.
The HOLYSMOKE echo exists so that off-topic religious issues from other
echoes in FidoNet may be moved to an echo where they are topical. No one
in the past four years has yet succeeded in helping any theist think
past their brainwashing and self-deception to see the truth, but there's
always the chance that some ignorant god-believing savage will be saved
from their delusions, so we have to try. <*wink!*>
Q: What is "HOLYSMOKE?"
A: HolySmoke, the "McLaughlin Group" of FidoNet echoes, is an arena
wherein people with deeply-held religious convictions may come and set
the ignorant Godless heathens straight, or not, as the case may be. This
is the echo where echovangelists are banished when they are off-topic in
other FidoNet echoes, such as A_THEIST and COOKING. (See "Echovangelist"
entry below). It is the "electroshock therapy for religion addicts" cure
that so many FidoNet members are so richly and clearly in need of. The
moderator is Styx Allum of 1:152/20. If you don't like his name, insult
his parents. It's REAL!
Q: Why is the phrases "You seem bitter" and "My, you're so full of
anger" so often used by religionists in HolySmoke?
A: These phrases are often used as replies to excessively abrasive
arguments by an agnostic or atheist that has demonstrated the
religionist's pet assertions false; the religionist resorts to eliciting
an emotional response instead of addressing the topic at hand.
Q: "You seem bitter / full of anger! Why?"
A: Let John Musselwhite answer that, because he did it so well:
"You may be missing the point. The people who are ridiculed
(as it were) are not those who profess a simple belief in a
creator; they are those who insist their beliefs are correct
and we MUST ALL bow down before GOD before we all roast in
Hell. Then there are those who make ridiculous claims about
the veracity of their "Book" and attempt to use pseudo-
science to "prove" they are right. As for myself, I could [not]
care less who a person worships, although I usually strongly
disagree with their intent. As a secular student of biblical
times, I have learned a lot about what Christianity was
really all about (IMHO) and what life was like in first-
century Judah. Personally, I feel those who take the Bible
literally and those who follow Pauline thought should study
more, and attempt to understand what was REALLY going on! By
far the biggest problem though, are those who insist I should
pay to support their religion. Our city supports a separate
school system for Catholics, and the duplication of services
and buildings costs every one of us. There are many examples
of religion being pushed on those who do not wish it. We who
do NOT wish to have anything to do with religion must suffer
through innumerable disturbances from people who insist their
religion should be in the forefront. THOSE are the people who
are the targets of ridicule in this echo!"
Q: What is "hag-in-law?"
A: It is the phrase "Mother-in-law," which has been HolySmokeized. I
thought this was obvious.
Q: "Why is everyone picking on me?"
A: Chances are, you deserve it. When someone asserts wild and baseless
claims, and then insists that others believe these claims, one may
expect a little heat. Some assertions that generate heat: "My book was
written by god because it says so, and god wouldn't lie." "God hates
such-and-such." "God loves such-and-such." "I'll pray for you, you
stupid ignorant gibbering idiot pitiful atheists." Most of the theists
in HOLYSMOKE are not picked on or abused, because they do not bring it
upon themselves. Most atheists and agnostics, Pagans and Wiccans and
other disreputable folks in HOLYSMOKE get their toast fried now and
then, too, so don't feel you're alone in your "persecution."
Q: "But this is serious stuff! Don't you realize you're in danger of
hell?!"
A: One person's religion is another person's belly-laugh (Heinlien). Not
everyone will share your delusions / spirituality. What you may say in
all seriousness could very well make lots of folks bust a lower
intestine with mirth.
Q: "But what if Satan is real? You owe it to yourself to be ready just
in case."
A: I'll let Jason Rosendale field this one:
Which has the better probability of being realized: The
existence of Satan, or the existence of a letter bomb in your
mail box? Hint: If you cower in fear of Satan because "there's
a remote chance that he COULD exist", you must be REALLY
phobic about opening your mail!
Yet you open your mail gleefully each day, as you cower in
fear of Satan. This makes it obvious that your talk about
probability is just a pathetic excuse to continue to believe
in a baseless superstition.
Q: What is "Hir?"
A: Politically correct gender-neutral noun, "Her + Him = Hir."
Q: What is "Crucifixation?"
A: A state of mental duress, usually inside a fundamentalist Christian
brain, that admires blood, guts, suffering, agony, drinking blood of God
and eating His body, and usually wishes to be crucified and martyred
hirself. This fixation prevents those afflicted with it to question why
Jews would crucify a heretic in the Roman fashion, when death by stoning
was the preferred method of disposing of sons of Gods.
Q: What does "Athiest" mean?
A: Bile-ed if I know! Christian Comics use this word to represent people
without morals; heathens without ethics; lawyers; baby-eaters; perverts;
sodomites; people who voted Democrat. This word is universally used by
theists, to demonstrate the abysmal lack of education and spelling
ability of North America (from whence most HOLYSMOKErs reside).
Q: What is the "Flood Of Ignorance?"
A: The Creationist's claims of a global flood, survived by Noah and his
clan, whereby millions of humans died horribly; whereby billions of
animals died in screaming terror by drowning--- your typical Christian
Death Cult story, which they get off on so much.
Q: And what's this "IHS!" thing?
A: This can mean a great many things! It was originally coined by a
HolySmoke Regular to mean "In His Service!" though it is not clear just
who "His" may be. Usual variations may mean "I'm Happy Stupid!" SHIt
backwards, "I'm Helping Satan!" "In Hitler's Service!" "I Hate Science!"
"Idiot Has Spoken!" "I heat sausage!" "I Hate Spam!" and others far too
numerous to mention. The most common usage in HOLYSMOKE means
"BULLtIHS!" The original meaning is "In Hoc Signum Vincit," referring to
the Christian crucifix as "By this sign we conquer."
Q: What is "One Nation Under God?"
A: Iran.
Q: What is a "Creationist?"
A: What apes evolved from.
Q: What is a "Not Real True Christian?"
A: When murder, mayhem, rape, and atrocities are performed by Christians
in the name of God, their partners in religion say they were not Real
True Christians. Some famous Not Real True Christians include Jim
Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Jones, Hitler, Jerry Falwell, All Catholics,
Jeffrey Dahlmer, Mike Warnke, John "Todd" Collins, Mormons, God Jehovah,
and the IRA/Provos.
Q: What is a "Real True Christian?"
A: A Christian, individually or grouped in a herd, that has not yet been
exposed as child molesters, pornographers, whore-mongers, serial
killers, or income tax cheaters. (See "Not Real True Christian.") Some
famous Real True Christians are Gandi, who wasn't, Buddha, who isn't,
and Jesus Christ, who never existed.
Q: "What is a real Christian?" Shelby Sherman
A: "Two-thirds more irritating than 'Christian Lite.'" Marty Leipzig
Q: Now hold on here. You can't responsibly group those obviously
psychotic fringe groups that claim to be of God with the true Christians
among us.
A: Let Paul Boyer answer that (he did it better than I could).
Why not group "those obviously psychotic fringe groups" with
the rest of the *cough, cough* "True Christians"?
You "True Christians" do exactly the same thing you decry
above, against groups with which you disagree -- i.e., you
characterize all gays and lesbians from the actions of
extremist ACT UP affinity groups; you characterize all pro-
choice people from the activities of a few doctors who perform
late-term abortions [in emergencies]; you characterize all
Liberals from the views of a few who are doctrinaire Leftists.
You and your kind demonize your opponents from the actions
of a few of the most extreme of their kind, yet expect to be
exempt from similar stigmatization?
Q: What is "Christian Double Standard Time"
A: This is the standard that some Christians use to judge who is and is
not Christian. If a Christian commits a crime for Jesus, the perpetrator
may or may not be a criminal or Christian, depending on the crime. See
"Not Real Christian."
Q: What is a "Christian Comic?"
A: In a great many FidoNet echoes (well, -ALL- of them), there are days
when a Christian Fundamentalist waltzes in, says something hilarious,
then waltzes out without regard for topical relatedness, quality,
protocol, or desire for rational dialogue. Humorous stuff like "You're
forever damned for all time," or "The first law of thermodynamics says
evolution is false (they don't know how to count to two)," or "They
aren't Real True Christians."
Q: What does "IS NOT!" mean?
A: This is the Theory of Creation Science.
Q: What is the "Theory of Creation Science?"
A: "IS NOT!" Creationists refuse to provide a theory of Creationism,
because they do not have one. Therefore it is damn hard to teach it in
public school, yet they still demand that it should (go figure).
Creationists assume that if they can find holes in evolutionary theory,
their religious beliefs become true via default. Therefore their efforts
are never to find evidence to falsify their non-existent theory, but to
"prove" evolutionary theory unsound--- this effort they call "Creation
Science," which it isn't.
Q: What is the "$15.00 God Challenge?"
A: David Rice will give US$15.00 to anyone who can prove He isn't God.
Previous attempts have failed miserably, as contestants assume that He
must perform some miracle for them, which would be Him proving He is
God, and not them proving He is not. This challenge is a thought
experiment for theists to consider when they assert proof of their tiny
little gods and disproof of Others like the One True God, David Rice. If
they can prove their god(s) are real, surely they can prove Omnipotent
Rice isn't?
Q: What is the "Mutant Star Goat?"
A: The One True God, Who created life, the universe, and everything. Now
prove me wrong! This is another thought experiment for theists.
Everything they claim for their God(s) can be said for Star Goat with
equal validity. Star Goat (braise His mane!) sent His only begoaten Son,
Billy, to Earth to die on the Holy Bar-Be-Que Pit for us. Those who
continue to deny this truth will be eaten on Judgment Day by Star Goat,
to stew in the Holy Bile for all eternity. If a theist believes she or
he can punch a hole in Star Goat theology, they should come to realize
eventually that every hole they create APPLIES EQUALLY to their God(s).
No one can prove Star Goat is not the One True God, and Goatees know in
their hearts that He is, therefore He is! QED.
Q: What is a "Goatee?"
A: A devotee of Star Goat.
Q: What is "Bile-ed" and "Bile-it?"
A: When evil sinners, or anyone else who did not worship Star Goat in
life, find themselves dead, their souls will be swallowed by Billy, Star
Goat's only beGoatten Son, to stew in the Holy Bile for all eternity.
This is roughly equivalent to "damned" but unlike the falsehood of Hell,
the Holy Bile EXISTS! Goat save you if you don't hurry and accept Billy
as your Personal Savior! Send money! We are the advocates of the Goat
Life! Honest. (No refunds.)
Q: "Pink, invisible, flying hippo?" Excuse me?
A: Yes. Her name is Daisy, and she leaves invisible, smell-free turds on
the keyboards of every fundy that posts in HOLYSMOKE. Now prove she
doesn't! When someone brings up the non-measurability of their favorite
god (Jesus, Satan, Yahweh, Jehovah, Zeus, Odin), others bring up Daisy
and point out that the evidence she exists is identical to the evidence
their god(s) exist.
Q: What is the fastest land animal?
A: The cheetah.
Q: What is an "Atheist?"
A: One who is "without a theism." There are two basic forms of atheism:
the strong and the weak. The strong form says "God does not exist." The
weak form says "I do not believe in the existence of God." Generally, an
atheist is a "non-theist." If ever evidence is produced to demonstrate
that any particular god exists, I for one will stop being atheist. Got
proof? Let's see it!
Q: What is an "Agnostic?"
A: One who doesn't know, or give a shit, if God exist or not.
Q: What is a "Diagnostic?"
A: One who doesn't know, or give a shit, if -TWO- Gods exist or not.
Q: What is "God?"
A: David Rice.
Q: No really: what is "God?"
A: God is someone theists attribute all the good things that happen,
like "I thank God for letting me win this football game," or "Thank God
they didn't catch me molesting these alter boys," or "Thank God for my
job / spouse / slaves." This Guy gets all the credit for other people's
hard work and devotion.
Q: I'm serious, now! What is "God?"
A: God is someone theists attribute all the bad things that happen, like
hurricanes that kill hundreds and leave thousands homeless ("It was
God's Will"), earthquake disasters, plane crashes, New Jersey never
winning the Pennant, floods, death by lightening strike, and virginity.
Q: What is an "Echovangelist?"
A: A pain in the ass. Er, actually an "Echo" is much like a
talk.newsgroup, but more on the CB radio level than Amateur Radio level.
An echovangelist is someone who has been commissioned by God and / or
Satan (same thing) to save Godless sinners from eternal damnation, no
matter the cost and no matter how silly she or he appears to sane
members of society. Echovangelists are almost invariably male; the
reason for this is (1) women usually have more sense and (2)
Fundamentalist Christian Women (tm) are kept barefoot, pregnant, and
away from the modem least they learn how their male masters are
oppressing them (they are allowed to read GARDENING and COOKING echoes,
but not FEMINISM or LEATHER_AND_LACE).
Q: How does one deal with Echovangelists?"
A: Ignore them. You see, these sorry, pathetic souls NEED, and WANT, and
DESIRE to be ridiculed and abused. They lust after the feeling of being
persecuted, because they think it's for "defending God" when in fact it
is for being an anal-retentive asshole. If they are not feeling
persecuted, they feel they are not doing their job well enough to keep
out of hell. Example: Steve Winter.
Q: What is "Penis Envy?"
A: This is what Randal Terry's wife, who has never seen one, suffers
from. For most people, however, this is a male affliction, not a female
one. According to Satan, in His book "Satan: His Psychotherapy and Cure
(by the Unfortunate Doctor Kasser, J.S.P.S.)" the first words out of
Eve's mouth was "Where do I get one of those?" (But then, Satan is a
Freudian.)
Q: What is the "Fundi-Of-The-Month" club?
A: Fundamentalists are SO MUCH FUN that Steve Quarrella has created this
club so that members may receive a new, different, and exciting Fundi at
the start of each month, for their amusement. Members may return their
membership cards at any time, and they will be removed from the mailing
list. Do -YOU- like to be pestered? Hounded? Annoyed? Harassed?
Tormented with hateful, angry, fearful, superstitious fools? Do you
enjoy beings damned for all time every morning while you brush your
teeth? Do you like being called a sodomite, harlot, Satanist, Democrat?
Then this club is for you--- JOIN TODAY! (P.S. We're kidding, folks.
Stop sending us money to join, Bile-it!)
Q: Well then, what is a "Fundi / Fundy/ Fundies?"
A: Someone who hates for God, and calls it "love." These can come from
any cult: Born Against Christians, Krishna Devotees, Mormons, Cult
Awareness Network, Pat Robertson's, Jerry Falwell's, Jimmy Stewart's.
While there are a great many of these, they are usually the fringe
minority from any given cult.
Q: What is a "Republican?"
A: Someone who spends 12 years annihilating American freedoms,
destroying the Supreme Court, making being black illegal, raids Social
Security of 500 million dollars when they promised they wouldn't, had
the second largest tax increase of all time -- a net increase of $125
billion over five years. [Wall Street Journal, 8/12/92], then blames the
damage on his successor.
Q: What is a "Democrat?"
A: A commie pinko socialist traitor bleeding-heart liberal anarchist who
Republicans can use as convenient scapegoats.
Q: What is a "cult?"
A: A cult is any organized religion, of two or more members, that
profess a common dogma, or venerate an authoritarian or totalitarian
figure. Therefore "cult" applies to every religion (with the possible
exception of solitary neo-Pagans who make up their own religion and feel
no need to share it with others). The word "cult" is usually reserved
for religions that lack political power. It is most often used to mean
"Any religion other than mine."
Q: What is the "OFTEN_BABBLE" echo?
A: The echo is actually called OPEN_BIBLE.
Q: Tell me about the "HOLY_BIBLE" echo.
A: This echo is run by the emotionally ill Steve Winter, who has
professed it to be THE ONLY =REAL= Christian echo on FidoNet,
disregarding the dozen or so other Christian echoes, which aren't
really, but just clever simulations by Satan into fooling people into
believing that the echoes are Christian-based. No, really! Just ask
Steve!
Q: What is the "HERESY_WATCH" echo?
A: The true name for Harvey Smith's CULT_WATCH echo (which doesn't).
This is your basic Christian hate cult promoting ignorance, hysteria,
and propaganda for God. This echo is sponsored by a messianic Jewish
cult.
Q: What about the "CULTINFO" echo?
A: This is a very fine echo, that constructively addresses religious
differences, and seeks to find a common dialog among the various
religions that are represented in the echo's readership. It is moderated
by the Priestess Rowan Moonstone. In order to obtain CULTINFO one must
first obtain a feed for the Pagan Occult Distribution System (PODSnet,
Zone 93) as CULTINFO is not a FIDOnet backbone Echo.
Q: And the echo "BURNING_TIMES?"
A: This is an echo that addresses violence in the name of religion /
God. There are often newspaper articles posted here, keeping readers up
to date on the "Satanic Crime" myth, and discusses attacks against such
groups as Pagans, Wiccans, Christians, Homosexuals, and Jews by
religionists and bigots.
Q: What is the A_THEIST echo?
A: A place to discuss the importance of state / church separation. We
don't do god(s) here!
Q: What does "fundagelical" mean?
A: Contraction between "Fundamentalist" and "Evangelical." It refers to
someone who evangelizes from a very narrow, usually ignorant, point of
view theologically.
Q: What is a "religiocrit?"
A: Someone who has a special commission from upon high, or a special
mandate from their cult, to be a religious hypocrite. Examples are Duane
Gish and Henry Morris as well as just about 100% of all creationists.
Q: And "Contradictianity?"
A: This is a Christian belief that claims obvious, glaring, naked
biblical contradictions aren't.
Q: What is an "echocism?"
A: Now and then we get someone on the HOLYSMOKE echo who performs an
exorcism to banish all of the demons that reside in all of us godless
contributors who post in said echo. This is a lot of fun. So far the
demons have stayed put, and usually it's the fundies that evaporate with
a *poof* never too be heard from again--- guess their spirit was willing
but their flesh was weak.
Q: What is the "GET_RON" echo?
A: A special, under-ground, Satan-spawned international echo devoted to
"getting" a single individual, Ron Stringfellow. Since God is protecting
this person, we need millions of us evil doers (or a dozen Democrats,
same thing) to "get" him. Mostly we just get together and laugh at him
behind his back. This echo doesn't exist. Or -does- it???????
Q: What is "Fundy Disk Failure?"
A: We often get Christians on the echo who claim they will shortly, in a
few days, provide proof of their god's existence, or proof of a global
flood, or proof that Earth is flat, or proof that evolution didn't and
isn't occurring--- just to vanish at the appointed time, later showing
up claiming a "hard disk crash" ate their proof (I hate it when that
happens!). The first time someone made this claim, he blamed it on
Satan. The next person this happened to blamed it on his god, Jesus---
so they got us coming and going, eh? Of course -I- believe them
unconditionally. . . would a Christian lie?
Q: What is "The Rupture?"
A: Every few months someone claims that their "Rapture" is imminent, and
we must all "get right" with his gods. This causes people to laugh so
hard they rupture a lower intestine. There have been claims of "imminent
rapture" for hundreds of years, the latest being October 23, 1992. The
next is scheduled for September 1994. There is even a Fundamentalist
Christian text file telling us what to do when we find we've been left
behind. Honest! Would I lie to you?
Q: Why is evolution constantly a topic in HOLYSMOKE?
A: Goat Bile-ed if I know! This is probably because Creationists refuse
to go to the proper echo, called EVOLUTION, because there are several
more well-informed scientists there than in HOLYSMOKE. As yet, no
Creationist has failed to be properly corrected of their errors in
HOLYSMOKE. There are several highly knowledgeable people in HOLYSMOKE
who can and do refute Creationists claims. Now if the Creationists would
just shut up long enough to listen . . . .
Q: Are there any Satanists here?
A: None that I know of. The best estimate of the number of Satanists in
America is from 4,000 to 5,000 individuals ("Satan Wants You," by Arthur
Lyons), so the odds of one showing up is rather slim. Many of us wish
one or more would! If you are a Satanist, please stop by and say "Hello-
--" we want to talk with you! (You know you want to!)
Q: Why don't you pick on Satanists like you pick on Christians and
Muslims?
A: For a couple of reasons. First off, we only "pick on" someone who
makes irrational and absurd claims while expecting us to believe them---
we've yet to have a Satanist come along and do so. Second, and more
importantly, it is Christians who are subverting our secular nation
through political means, not Satanists (how many Satanists sue the State
so they may lead students in prayer?).
Q: Why do you hate God / Jesus?
A: Have you stopped beating your spouse? Do not make the mistake of
believing that attacks on stupidity is equal to an attack on a god just
because the person making the silly claim asserts he's speaking for his
god. In the three years I've read HOLYSMOKE I have yet to see a single
person hate God or Jesus--- just those who claim to be these gods
followers. Many Christians commit crimes in the name of their gods--- we
don't blame their gods: we blame the criminals.
Q: Are "flames" allowed?
A: Flames are EXPECTED. You will be treated with respect and courtesy if
you extend it. The most valuable contributors, who provide references to
what they say, are very seldom flamed--- if you don't like flames, stick
to posting what you know or can validate. Saying "Because I say so" or
"Because I was told so" won't earn you much respect. It WILL get you
well-toasted.
Q: Will "Argument by authority" get me flamed?
A: Depends on the authority, and if you keep all quotes in context and
content. Claiming that several bright people support your assertions
therefore your assertions are true DOES NOT make it so. Don't quote an
astronomer on issues of biology, and a biologist on cosmology--- which
is standard Creationist tactics--- because you will get roasted. Saying
"Einstein believed in God (he didn't) therefore you should" will also
get you roasted--- bright people CAN and DO believe silly things; just
because someone is well educated in one field does not make hir an
expert in other fields.
Q: What is a "Bitch?"
A: A woman who won't sleep with you. Can you blame her?! If you sexually
harass ANYONE on the echo, woman or man, expect retribution with extreme
prejudice. There is a line between "kidding" and "harassing." Please
don't cross it!
Q: Does spelling well count?
A: Of course. Content and validity, though, counts a thousand times
more. If your thoughts, ideas and opinions are clear and well thought
out, no one should give a Goat Dropping how you spell. It is your ideas
we want to hear about and debate, not your spelling ability. Please
don't let poor spelling keep you from contributing.
Q: When -does- poor spelling get "flamed?"
A: Often we see theists who mix up "Their, there, and they're," "Too,
to, and two," "atheist" as "athiest," and "your" for "you're." They then
in that very same message proclaim to reveal the secrets of God, the
Universe, Life and all the Really Great Questions humans have pondered
for a dozen millennia-- somehow a crappy speller telling us they know
what no one else does just doesn't seem likely. If one does not know the
difference between "Their" and "they're" worth a Goat Belch, isn't it
rather PRETENTIOUS for one to be telling us all about how much one knows
about god and the universe?!
Q: What is / are the Dopefish mysteries?
A: "Swim. . . swim. . . hungry. . . swim. . . swim. . . hungry." The
rest is a secret, to be revealed to all shortly. Talk to the Chief
Proselytizer, Steve Quarrella, for all of the facts of this Up And
Coming Soon To Your Door religion.
Q: "What's wrong with Fundies?" Bruce Kazee
A1: "Not a thing. Unlike clay pigeons, they are capable of making
amusing howls whilst being shot down. HolySmoke would not be a better
place without them any more than a shooting gallery would be improved by
removing all the little tin ducks." Don Martin
A2: "A more appropriate question would be 'What's right with fundies?'"
Marty Leipzig, keeper of the HOLYSMOKE Dyslexicon.
Q: "Was the Necronomicon written in Damascus in 730 C.E. by Abdul
Alhazred?" [Paraphrase Rick Vanderzwaag]
A: "Howard Phillips Lovecraft invented Abdul Alhazred and the
Necronomicon in 1921." [Paraphrase Hector Plasmic]
Q: "Dungeons and dragons is an occult and Satanic game."
A: "Ma'am, you've been playing it with the wrong people." Daniel Doran
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