104 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
104 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
FEDS:
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HOW TO FIND AND
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ELIMINATE THEM
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(kinda sounds like a surface-to-air missile, doesn't it? hmm...........)
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Since the birth of the first illegal telecommunications hobbiest, there has
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always been one very serious and deadly risk.... the fed.
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FED (fed) n.: 1. An employee of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. 2.
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One who reports his friends to said bureau. 3. Past tense of feed.
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(Can you say "fed"?..... I knew you could.............)
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We now know what a fed is, in every sense of the word. However, the big
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problem is in recognizing the fed in his natural habitat, and being able to
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neutralize him. And that's what we are here for.....
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WHERE THEY LIVE
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---------------
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It is a well-known fact that feds are not paid too extremely well. In fact,
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very badly. Feds are usually not found in the back country of Greenwich or
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Darien, unless on assignment. It's more like Bridgeport.... downtown. But they
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are not without luxuries! The Bureau will provide them with just about anything
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they need for a case, espescially when they are undercover. And that includes
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computers for catching us hackers and phreaks.... of course the bureau doesn't
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see the difference between a Commodore VIC-20 and an Apple //e or an IBM
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PC-AT... "a computer is a computer! Why spend $3000 on a system when we can do
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as well with one for $199.99 (at Caldor)?" Also, feds do not have applecats or
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any other modem with 1200 baud capability. It costs too much.
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Feds can be found in almost every major bbs system in the country. They are
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the ones who keep asking the "famous name" pirates for warez, and post none of
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their own. Yes, the fed is the ultimate leech. They are also mistaken for 12-14
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year-old leeches, but sysops can usually tell that something is wrong when a
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13-year-old who "just started last week" is typing faster than the fire rate for
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an UZI sub-machine gun.... and uses words like "extenuating", "viable", and
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"situation normal". The typical 13-year-old follows the real leech's guide, with
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"k00l", "<``l", "rad", "l8t0r", and "do you have this...?".
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THE FED'S CAR: American, usually pre-catalytic converter. This includes
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Ford Mustangs from 1965-1972, although most can't afford those. When travel-
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ling in packs for "pickup", they will usually be found in black Cadillacs and/or
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Ford sedans. Have also been known to use a van for big busts and transportation
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for confiscated systems.
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WHERE THEY HANG OUT: Sprint, MCI, Telediscount, AT&T, ESS, and Metro (?)
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Security offices.... Police Stations... Large BBS's... Gay Bars... You know...
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WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE: They never leave without their Bausch & Lomb aviator
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glasses... tinted black. Hair is straight, parted on the left, usually brown or
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black. Clean-shaven or moustache. No beards! Usually weigh from 175-200 pounds.
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Ever see a fat fed? They don't exist! Finally, all feds wear Seiko quartz analog
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watches on their left wrists, waterproof to 150 meters and 3 atmospheres
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(another business expense... the higher-ranking agents get Rolex's).
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Well, now we know what a fed is and what he looks like. Now, how do you get
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rid of him? What's that you say? Insect repellent? Hmmm.... no, I don't think
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so. Interesting idea though... maybe mace. No, they're mace-proof... part of the
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training. You have to be more forceful than that.
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TECHNIQUE #1:
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When the feds knock on your front door (they never sneak in the back), run
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up to the room right above the door. Open the window and pour boiling oil on
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them. Then throw a match.... >poof!< Step 2: Call your hacking friends over and
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have a barbecue.... feds are best well-done.
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TECHNIQUE #2:
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------------
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Invite them in for coffee and doughnuts. Feds can never refuse that. They
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practically live in Dunkin Donuts all across the country. In fact, J. Edgar
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Hoover founded Dunkin Donuts! Then you have several choices.... 1} poison the
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coffee and donuts; 2} whip out your handy-dandy sawed-off 8-gauge shotgun and
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blow their f**king brains out; 3} glue them to their chairs (krazy glue works
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best), and torture them to death by pouring fire ants into the front of their
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underwear. Remember to gag them so as not to disturb the neighbors.
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TECHNIQUE #3:
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------------
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Tried but true... as they open the door, strafe them with an M-60 machine-
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gun which you have mounted on the dinner table. Makes for an interesting
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centerpiece. Also, hurl a few grenades and/or Molotov cocktails along with the
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bullets... "now that's a fire!!!" But you may want to be careful with how many
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explosives you throw. You don't want to ruin mom's flower garden!
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Well, that ought to hold you guys for a while. One last thing I should
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mention.... if you do succeed in wiping out the feds who visit you, I'd sug-
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gest moving... Antarctica is a nice place this time of year. The point is, feds
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are like weeds. You can get rid of the first bunch of 'em, but they always grow
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back faster and in greater numbers than before. I'd make sure that the Lear jet
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is fueled and waiting on the runway..... Good bye, Good luck, God bless
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you...... he's the only one who'll be able to help you now...
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