138 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
138 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|
|
|
|
"The Shopping Mall"
|
|
|
|
Written By:
|
|
|
|
The Skank
|
|
|
|
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
|
|
|
|
|
|
In the event that you should come across a shopping mall (an overgrown
|
|
deranged cabinet), keep this in mind as it could be useful in the extremely
|
|
common but fatal attack of boredom. First you need the following to make it
|
|
work-
|
|
|
|
A Shopping Mall
|
|
A way to the Shopping Mall (transportation) *
|
|
$10.00 or less and some lint in a pocket
|
|
A friend (or your best enemy)
|
|
A tape recorder (or any other harmful object)
|
|
Cool (wierd) clothes- paisly, plaid combo pants, purple and brown tie dyed
|
|
shirt (in other words, look obnoxious)
|
|
|
|
* This means the thing has a suggested list or more info on it
|
|
|
|
>Transportation>
|
|
|
|
List of ways to get transportation
|
|
----------------------------------
|
|
1. Bum a ride off your mom
|
|
2. If no mom around, bum a ride off your dad
|
|
3. If no dad around, bum a ride off your brother
|
|
4. If no brother around, bum a ride off your sister
|
|
5. If you don't have a family, bum a ride off your nieghbor
|
|
6. If you don't have a nieghbor, you live way too far from a mall to even
|
|
consider using this file
|
|
7. Skateboard there (more things to do if you choose this option)
|
|
8. Bike there
|
|
9. Pogo stick there
|
|
10. Don't go
|
|
11. Steal a car and drive
|
|
12. Buy a car and drive
|
|
13. Run
|
|
|
|
If none of the above is possible, you can always try to ride one of those
|
|
big red or grey vehicles and socialize with the "people" on board.
|
|
Staying home and watching Jeopardy is always and option too.
|
|
|
|
Okay, now that you have gotten there, what to do first but walk into the
|
|
mall. If possible, choose a store you think a bunch of teenage dorks would
|
|
hang out. This way you can make fun of any of them that are your size (i.e.
|
|
people who can't beat you up). Start immedietly by saying "Don't I know you?"
|
|
or "Do you think you're cool?" or "I heard what you said about my haircut". If
|
|
they dont answer yell "Hey Fag! I'm talking to you!" and etc....
|
|
|
|
Another fun thing to do is follow a group of people your size and follow
|
|
them around. Especially a group of ugly girls. If they look back, look back
|
|
and pretend you dropped something and you don't know how you got there. Keep
|
|
following them until they get smart and split up. This where your friend (or
|
|
best enemy) comes in handy. That way you can follow the split up group, thus
|
|
being more obnoxious. Keep following them until they call the security and say
|
|
"There's a strange group of ugly boys following us".
|
|
When caught by security deny everything, say it was coincidental and that
|
|
you were merely looking for some lengerie for your mom when you got lost and
|
|
need help finding her again.
|
|
After that, the security should ask for the name to page, when asked
|
|
answer a false name (i.e. Iona Dildo or Claude Balls). Ask if you can go to
|
|
the bathroom, then silently head to the next store....
|
|
|
|
Any toy store should be your next destination. Why? Lotsa things to play
|
|
with. Hope there's a crabby manager around and start yelling about war toys
|
|
and the influence of them on children's minds and psychological disorders that
|
|
can occur (war toys- G.I. joe, Rambo, Cabbage Patch Kids, Pogo Sticks, Punch
|
|
Balloons, etc...) Turn on any musical instruments or electronic noise maker
|
|
and pretend you don't know how to shut it off. Also, if its a trendy store,
|
|
there should be skateboards of sorts. You know, those plastic things with
|
|
playdo wheels. Ride them around the store and the manager should come along
|
|
and say "Hey you kids, cut that crap out! You wanna by these things? Next time
|
|
I catch you, I'm going to kick you out!"
|
|
Uh-oh, your first offense. Make up an apology, rearange the merchandise
|
|
(putting dolls in the war toy section, putting guns in the puzzle section,
|
|
putting the manager in the local city dump). After this, say "Bye! Have a nice
|
|
day!", accidently trip and knock over a rack of toys then get the hell out of
|
|
there. Those toy managers have awfully fast fingers when comes to dialing
|
|
security.
|
|
|
|
Next stop.. The Clothing store. Okay, that guy knows what kinda clothes
|
|
you are wearing (kinda hard not to when wearing brown tie dye t-shirts and
|
|
paisly, plaid pants) so go thru the racks, find some "galactic wash" jeans
|
|
(the ones with little bleach dots on them) and a shirt, go into the changing
|
|
rooms, change your clothes, and walk away. Don't worry, as the people who
|
|
watch over the changing rooms are usually so baked, they wouldn't know if you
|
|
snuck into the girls dressing room (not a bad Idea). Make sure you remove all
|
|
the tags from your new clothes, wearing your old ones under them. WIth that
|
|
done, go put the clothes in a nice new orderly fashion- putting large shirts
|
|
in the small section and vice versa, putting pants by the shirt and etc..
|
|
When finished casually walk away and head off to...
|
|
|
|
The Shoe department...well your feet are a little tired, are they not
|
|
after doing all this walking. The shoe stores are usually are upstairs which
|
|
brings us to another fun spot in malls- escalators.
|
|
When walking up one, try walking back down then running up the stairs and
|
|
try to run back down again. Pretty cool- just like not walking at all. Also
|
|
when at the top of the escalator, start walking back down slowly as you will
|
|
stay in place- hey moonwalk time. Enuff of that shit, time to get to the shoe
|
|
store..
|
|
|
|
Okay the shoe store. They always carry those topnotch shoes like
|
|
hushpuppies or zips. Ask the guy there if you can try on a couple of shoes.
|
|
Find a pair that look way too small, ask the assistant if they have a larger
|
|
size in pink and green. The assistant will be off for awhile finding your
|
|
shoe. When he comes back saying he can't find one, pick out three pairs of
|
|
shoes that are totally stupid looking and say you want to try them on. The guy
|
|
will get out his ol' foot torture and measure your foot and will be gone again
|
|
in the backroom finding your shoes. When he comes back, try on the shoes, tie
|
|
them up, walk around then say "Nah, I don't like these ones", put on your old
|
|
shoes, and leave. Almost thru, just need to get that ride home.
|
|
Getting the ride is your problem. But while waiting for it to come, there
|
|
is still alot of fun left in the main mall. Find a spot by a popular store and
|
|
sit down at one of the benches. See them people walking by? I personally
|
|
believe that anyone that is 5ft 4in and weighs over 200 pounds should be shot.
|
|
Some fat people should eventually waddle by and you can make fun of them (i.e.
|
|
yelling "Hey, check out the traffic jams!"). Make fun of anyone who walks by
|
|
who deserves it (anyone who can't beat you up).
|
|
Also, go by the wishing wells- got that $10.00? Take the pennies and skip
|
|
them across the well. If things go right, there should be a little kid
|
|
standing by with his mom begging "Mom can I have a penny? Please, please,
|
|
please ?". Kid wants a penny eh? Grab one of yours and whip it over there and
|
|
hit the kid in the head saying "There's your damn penny!". What, your rides
|
|
here ? Oh well, take off and your day at the mall has come to an end. What to
|
|
do with that lint you say- I say that I have written enough and conclude this
|
|
file. Till' the next one.......
|
|
|
|
|
|
|