571 lines
28 KiB
Plaintext
571 lines
28 KiB
Plaintext
******************************************
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* The Defecation Proclamation *
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* (or, 101 Ways to Have Fun with Shit) *
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******************************************
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Disclaimer-
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This report is intended purely for ENTERTAINMENT purposes ONLY! The author
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assumes no resposibility for anyone actually cruel and callous enough to put
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the herein contained theories and plans into action.
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Foreword-
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The prank has existed as long as man; of this, I'm sure. As long as there
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has been a steady supply of gullible, dense, unwitting victims, there has
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always been someone lurking in the shadows to put one over on them.
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Pranking usually starts out in early adolescence, when a child first learns
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of things he or she "should not do". This particular stage of anti-social
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behavior is often accompanied by what psychiatrists term as an "anal
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fixation". This includes all your basic pre-school "potty humor", and since
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this file is about excretement, both human and otherwise, this is the
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humor-base we shall draw upon.
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Most parents are greatly relieved that the aforementioned behavior of a
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child is merely a "stage", and the child goes on to develop other interests.
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However, this is not always the case. Some of the best pranksters are
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full-fledged adults who still retain their "potty humor", and along with it
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posess the smarts and resources to pull off incredibly complicated coups
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that other, so-called "normal" adults can only marvel at in disbelief.
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And these "professional pests", as it were, are who this file is intended
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for.
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Preface-
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First, some turd-handling tips:
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1. ALWAYS wear gloves when handling feces of ANY kind. Human and animal
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excretia carry all sorts of nasty bacteria.
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2. When possible, using animal shit (when not using your own) is
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preferable to using that of another human.
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3. REMEMBER: "The fresher the turd, the greater the laffs".
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4. Ziplock Baggies (tm) are probably the best turd-handling receptacle
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in the world today. USE THEM.
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5. BE CAUTIOUS! This cannot be expressed strongly enough. For some
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inexplicable reason, the hiding and/or placing of turds/shit-piles
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by grown-ups is frowned upon by most of contemporary society.
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6. If caught in the act, try and convince them you're only trying to clean
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up the handywork of some vandal. If all else fails, plead insanity;
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Mental hospitals (long known for lots of shit-slinging activity) will
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be a lot more fun than prison.
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Just keep these basic rules in mind, and...
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HAPPY TURDING !!!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Defecation Proclamation
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(or, 101 Ways to Have Fun with Shit)
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Nothing strikes more terror in the human heart than a pile of shit. It is
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repulsive, sickening, and a generally unacceptable facet of bodily
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functions. These qualities are exactly what make it the prankster's best
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friend and most valuable tool. To reiterate, when used properly, "A pile of
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shit is easily worth its weight in gold."
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You've all heard of the prank that envolves a paper bag half-full of shit
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(usually that of a dog or other medium-to-large sized quadruped), which is
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set afire and placed on the doorstep of a victim. Then, you knock at the
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door or ring the bell, and run. When the victim comes to the door, he sees
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the small fire and proceeds to stomp it out, covering his Bass Weejuns with
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dogshit in the process. The above styled prank is considered very sophomoric
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and crude by most true pranksters, but effective nonetheless. The only
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reason it is even mentioned here is it's nostalgic appeal as a true
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"classic" in prankdom.
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Now, for your reading pleasure, here are 101 new, proven, and "prankster
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approved" methods to have your victim(s) doing the shit-shuffle:
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1- In most later model cars, the door handles are recessed. The space
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underneath the handle is a perfect place to conceal a turd.
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2- Placing a large turd in a swimming pool, public or private, is guarenteed
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to cause quite a disturbance.
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3- Covertly placing a turd in a public drinking fountain will work wonders,
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too. Smearing it around a bit helps add to the "terror-factor".
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4- A fresh turd, nicely packaged with a plastic fork and sent to a victim,
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will absolutely get your message of "eat shit" across to even the
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thickest of dolts.
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5- Wrapping several turds (or one huge St. Bernard-ish pile) in a gift box,
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such as for a birthday or Christmas gift, and then "accidently" leaving
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it behind in a mall or shopping center, will cause quite a stir with the
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"lucky" person who think they've found a gift.
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6- While at a party or as a guest in someone's home who has pets, retrieve
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several choice turds from the yard or litterbox, and covertly place them
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on the pet owner's bed. This will make them wonder what their pet REALLY
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thinks of them.
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7- I have know people who, dis-satisfied with the service (or a lack there-
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of) in a department store (or market, theatre, etc...), would go into the
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restroom of said establishment, take a shit on the floor, and proceed to
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wipe it on the walls with the aid of a paper towel. Upon arriving home,
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they would promptly call the manager of the place they were just in, and
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inform him how repulsed they were at the condition of their restrooms.
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When possible, they would get the name of the clerk who was nasty to
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them, and tell the manager that they had reported the restroom to this
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person, who in turn told them to "either wait until you get home or shop
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elsewhere...". The manager will always take the customers word, and this
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will get the employee in a literal "shit-load" of trouble. Chances are
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the rude clerk will get a good bawling-out and get to clean the shit off
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of the wall in the bargain. That is if he doesn't get fired or quit
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first.
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8- For those of you who have an aversion to using actual shit, a reasonable
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facsimile can be fashioned from mud or other look-alike substances. You
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can't reproduce the smell of course, but remember to add peanuts and
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kernals of corn for effect.
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9- I even know of one person who disliked a teacher so much that she bought
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a box of Whitman's candy, & substituted some homemade "shit candy" for a
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few of the pieces. She carefully re-wrapped the box, got to school early
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and left it on the teachers desk. The teacher nearly had a nervous
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breakdown after offering a piece of the candy to the principal. Guess
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what kind of piece HE got...
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10- The lethal combination of shit and firecrackers can be quite devastating
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to all those unfortunate enough to be nearby. And, it makes a pretty
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decoration on cars, too.
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11- Selectively placed turds can wreak some major havoc in a clothing store.
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Imagine trying on a jacket only to find a "suprise" when you stick your
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hand in the pocket...
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12- A turd dropped on an escalator makes a lovely obstacle when it reaches
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those grates at the end and gets all crumbled up.
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13- Shit, when carefully smeared on elevator buttons, will make people
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suddenly decide it might be better for their health if they DID take
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the stairs.
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14- Turds in shoe stores can be a real "laff-riot", too. Imagine a fat lady
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trying to squeeze into a size six, only to find (when she removes her
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foot) that someone had placed a fresh dog turd in the toe.
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15- A turd mashed and hidden from view in a clothes dryer at a laundromat
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creates a new type of "spin-art" that is as beautiful as it is
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repulsive.
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16- Turds smeared onto vacant seats in darkened theatres can cause some rave
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reviews of their own...
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17- A small schnauzer-sized turd make a wonderful addition to the earpiece
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of any telephone.
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18- A turd left under the floor mat of a "friend's" car can turn the next
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family drive into an ordeal. "Allright... Who the hell farted?"
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19- Tiny bits of crap mashed between Ritz crackers can greatly upset the
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guests at a party or wedding recption. To paraphrase, "Everything tastes
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great when it shits on a Ritz". "Ummmm! Gooooood cracker!", as Andy
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Griffith used to say in those commercials.
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20- Turds tossed from the roofs of high-rise buildings will have pedestrians
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thinking twice about the city's pigeon problem.
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21- A few turds placed in a water-balloon can have spectactular results, to
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say the very least. It CAN be done, just be VERY CAREFUL, or you might
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end up getting yourself.
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22- A turd left in the car of a roller-coaster or othe ride can cause some
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REAL screams of terror...
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23- For a prank with that "down-home" flavor, pack an old suitcase full of
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fresh, wet cowshit. Lean the suitcase up against your victims door
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(with the lid toward the door, of course), unsnap the latches, knock on
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the door, and then run like hell.
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24- Placing fresh shit in your victim's mailbox will make that day's mail a
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"special delivery" that's quite unforgetable...
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25- For winter fun, place a warm turd in a snowball. But, don't throw it at
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anyone you can't out run.
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26- A turd placed on a buffet table will guarentee no one will want seconds.
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27- Take a fresh turd to the bank and make a "night deposit" of your own...
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28- One of the simplest, yet most fun to watch pranks, envolves taking a few
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small turds to the local mall. Discreetly drop a couple on the floor in
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a high-traffic area, grab a coke, and sit back and watch the fun. You'd
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be suprised how many shoppers don't watch where they're going (actually,
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this trick will work anywhere there are large crowds of people on foot).
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29- The above trick also works especially well in grocery stores, too. Those
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shopping cart wheels make one HELL of a mess when they're covered in
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shit that has been run-over by hapless shoppers...
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30- Small turds placed in coin-return slots always have a quite comical
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effect, especially when someone who is just looking for spare change
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happens upon them.
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31- A turd found in a thermos bottle could no doubt puzzle someone for
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years...
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32- But then so could a turd in a lunch bag or box.
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33- A nice, big pile of shit can cause amazing results when placed above
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someone's visor in their car. Chances are, they'll totally forget about
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the sun being in their eyes...
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34- Other than places already mentioned, two of the best places to put
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some shit in a person's car, is either in the tape-deck, or the glove
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compartment. Either one will make a hellish, stinky mess.
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35- A turd, when casually slipped into the slot of a VCR (either in a store
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or at a victim's home) will cause some "shitty entertainment" indeed.
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36- I've personally never tried it, but inside sources tell me that a turd
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shoved into a gas tank can cause any machine to literally "go all to
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shit". Imagine trying to explain that one to a mechanic...
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37- Turds smashed into a car's air-conditioner or heater vents will most
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assuredly leave the driver with an unforgettable drive to work...
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38- A truly nasty trick to play on children involves putting a large turd
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in a shoe box , and taping it shut. Give it to a child and tell them
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it's a new pet, but they can't open the box until they get home, or
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it'll get away. This is most likely a VERY dangerous trick, because
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you will either have to give it to a child who (along with his parents)
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knows you, or risk giving out gifts in a strange neighborhood, where the
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parents are likely to be suspicious of an adult handing out presents to
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their kids.
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39- In most libraries (and lots of other places nowadays...), you can find
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copy machines; These are great for "turdy tricks". The simpelest is to
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mash a turd on the plate-glass copying surface. Another good one is to
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locate the paper bin (on the right side of most machines) and mash some
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turds in among the papers. Either one will make a nasty, unexplainable
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mess.
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40- Speaking of libraries, a turd or three placed between the pages of a
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popular book can have a quite pleasing effect.
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41- Also, "night drop-off" boxes in libraries and video stores are good
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places to drop a few turds.
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42- Shit dropped on the floor of a roller-rink will cause some serious shit
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slinging, too.
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43- Small turds placed under someone's windshield-wipers can cause for some
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poor visibility (but, at least the driver can't say he "couldn't see
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shit"...).
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44- A few choice lumps of shit, covertly placed and lightly covered with
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dirt and placed near home plate at the local little-league field, can
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cause a slide into homeplate to be a memorable one indeed.
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45- If moving out of a house or apartment, be sure and remove some wall-
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plates and smash a few turds inside. Chances are when the new occupant
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discovers where that "nice, homey smell" is emmanating from, he'll have
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a family of pet maggots to raise as well.
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46- A turd placed in a coffee urn will have everybody wondering if Juan
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Valdez washes his hands after he wipes his ass...
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47- A large turd, possibly of equestrian or bovine descent, can cause quite
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a stir in the butcher or produce section of any supermarket.
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48- During the holidays, a large pile of shit could be spray-painted red,
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green, and white (the Christmas colors), and flung onto the front door
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of a victims house or place of business. If you like, add a few pine
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needles and holly leaves and berries for a wreath-like effect.
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49- Here's the best way to decorate a public restroom: Secretly smuggle in a
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small plastic bag of the runniest shit you can find (diarrhea or VERY
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fresh cow shit works best. Or, add some water). Once you are sure you are
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alone in the restroom, CAREFULLY puncture a SMALL hole in the bag with a
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pencil. Then, as quickly as possible without getting it on yourself,
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twirl the bag around and around over your head until it's empty. The
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results will probably be the most amazing thing you (or the poor bastard
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who gets to clean it up) have ever seen.
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50- I know a girl who once re-paid a bill (she had already paid it,
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but couldn't find the receipt) with money liberally coated with shit.
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This would be VERY risky to pay your own bills with, but why noy send a
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cash donation to a charitable organization (complete with shit) along
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with a mean letter bearing your victim's signature?
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51- Another good hiding place for a turd is in a floral arrangement. Coupled
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with the sweet scent of the flowers, the effect is quite sickening.
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52- A turd mashed into the bottom of a fruit or gift basket is another
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sure-fire winner.
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53- Replacing the modeling clay with shit in an art class could produce some
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very interesting results...
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54- The above holds true as well for beauty parlors that do "mud packs".
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Imagine those little old grannies horror when they find out there was
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more than mud in those facials...
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55- Packing someone's exhaust pipe with shit can be amusing. Especially if
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pedestrians are near the car when your victim cranks 'er up...
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56- A friend of mine got fed up with his neighbor's dog coming into his
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yard and taking dumps. He voiced a complaint to the neighbor, but she
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more or less shrugged it off and said "I can't help it when 'nature
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calls'...". The next time my friend saw the dog shitting in his yard, he
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went out and gave the dog a piece of steak. While the dog was preoccupied
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with chowing down, my friend (wearing gloves, of course) picked up the
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dog's almost cow-size "present", and proceeded to smear it deep into the
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animals coat. When Fido when back inside and jumped onto his mistress'
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sofa, she finally saw the light. I don't advocate cruelty to animals, but
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sometimes drastic measures must be taken against their dumb-ass owners.
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57- A turd, when tossed on the ceiling in any room, will most likely go
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un-noticed until gravity takes over. But by then, it's too late.
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58- When smeared on a light switch in a dark room, a turd sort of becomes a
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'thing that goes "dump" in the night'.
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59- Shit smeared on a hand rail causes a chaotic, yet comedic effect.
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60- The beach is a good place to leave some turds lightly covered with
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sand. Imagine how it would feel for shit to squish up between your toes.
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61- A fresh turd placed up inside the chute of a cola vending machine can
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provide a "pause that refreshes" (for you anyway...).
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62- A friend tells me that "a turd flung with force into an open piano
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causes the damndest mess you've ever seen. When it hits those wires,
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it gets cut into a whole bunch of pieces. And, the only way to get it
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out is to get a piano repairman to come and take the wires loose, clean
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it out, and re-attach all the wires. And how the hell would you explain
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how shit ended up in your piano, anyway?"
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63- Smearing someone's steering wheel with shit can make them suddenly
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realize maybe riding the bus isn't so bad after all...
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64- An art museum is a good place to leave some turds, particularly on
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"modern art" sculptures. But, sometimes people may have a hard time
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figuring out which is the real shit, and which just looks like it...
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65- Another lady-friend gave me this little gem: It seems that while her
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ex-boyfriend's wedding was going on she deceided to get some revenge.
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Imagine the suprise when the "happy couple" found a hefty lather of
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dog shit on the wedding cake... not to mention, a few turds placed in
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the champagne fountain as well. A riot almost ensued, and the couple
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left hurriedly only to find that their car had been...ahhh...you know
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what happened.
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66- Once, to let a particular nasty boss know that I and other co-workers
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had to put up with his "bullshit", we sent him some of the real thing.
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Yep, two tons of fresh manure. Dumped VERY close to his front door, as
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per "his" instructions. All charged to his credit card. It was beautiful.
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He was still an asshole after that, though...oh, well.
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67- One of my best friends growing up went on to become a top draftsman for
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TVA. One day, "John" (as we'll call him), became incensed after getting
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bawled-out for spending too much time at the water-cooler (geez, I
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thought that was REQUIRED for a federal job...), while "executives" did
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the exact same thing. To get even, John arrived earlier than everyone
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else one morning, turned the cooler upside-down, removed the base, and
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plopped in about a dozen dog turds. Then he re-attached the base and
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set the cooler upright. The turds, being small and a bit dry, floated to
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the top, just as John had hoped. John then went back down to Market
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Square and had a cup of coffee. When he arrived back at the office at
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his regular time, the "top brass" was already having fits and making
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threats. He was never caught, but the water cooler was subsequently
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removed. John felt it was a small price to pay for his satisfaction.
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68- A few well-formed turd balls, when carefully mixed in with chocalate
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coated nuts, can liven up any party.
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69- Coat racks in public places are a veritable haven for the turd-obsessed
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prankster. Use your imagination...
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70- There are also usually hats left on those same coat racks. Again,
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imagine the potential...
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71- The above reminds me of my friend Clyde, who lives in Vermont. It seems
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that a ruffian had moved into Clyde's neighborhood. Said ruffian owned
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a loud, muffler-less Harley-Davidson motorcycle, which he constantly
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worked on and subsequently rode around the neighborhood in the wee,
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small hours of the morning. It seems that friend Clyde was able to lay
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his hands on the ruffian's helmet one night was actually asleep (or
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more likely, passed-out drunk). Clyde took the helmet to his backyard
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and proceeded to fill it with a fresh shit heap his St. Bernard, Barney,
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had left behind. Yep. You guessed it. The next day, the ruffian found
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out he was a "shit-head" in more ways than one.
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72- If a neighbor's parks his car near your yard, a lawn mower, a pile of
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shit, and careful aiming can give him an interesting new "paint job".
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73- If you work with someone who is a hunk of shit, smashing a real turd on
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his desk when he steps away for coffee can get your feelings across
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easily enough...
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74- A turd placed in a washing machine, during it's final spin, will create
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unusual results everytime. Guarenteed.
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75- If you go to local charities "haunted houses" around Hallowe'en, imagine
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the real-life chills you could create by flinging a few smuggled in
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turds in the dark...
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76- A real mean-hearted friend suggested leaving turds at the local
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playground. Good places include: the sandbox, under the monkeybars,
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under the swings, at the bottom of the slide (all lightly covered of
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course), or even smeared on the slide itself. "Mommy! Mommy! I fell in
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DOO DOO!"
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77- Another good place to "mine" with turds is along a parade route.
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(HAHAHAHA! I LOVE THIS ONE!)
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78- Exercise trails and running tracks are a couple of other good places to
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leave a few randomly placed piles, although it is kinda hard to hide
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shit on the latter...
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79- Whirlpools and jaccuzzis are other excellent places to drop a few turds
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and start a "shit stew" brewing.
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80- Packing a locker full of shit and then padlocking it will definately
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give everybody something to talk about. After they finally discover
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where that awful smell is coming from, and clean it out, do it to
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another locker. Or better yet, SEVERAL.
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81- When I was in high school, someone managed to get a GIANT turd in the
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school's trophy case. Just in time for parent night. And they jammed the
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locks on the case as well, so the turd stayed until the next morning
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when they finally called in a locksmith. I wonder who left the turd?
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(BHAHAHAHAHAHAA!)
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82- Also in high school, someone placed a large pile of dogshit on the
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ceiling- fan in the teachers lounge. The shit REALLY hit the fan when
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one of the dopes turned it on. It added such a lovely accent to the
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decor. Once again, who would stoop that low (or would it be "STOOL that
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HIGH")???
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83- Some people I used to know got their jollies hurling bags of shit off of
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overpasses onto cars on the interstate below. I wouldn't reccomend this,
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though. Getting a little shit on someone and killing them are two
|
|
different things entirely. Unless... of course,....nah!
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84- Hiding a turd at the bottom of a bowl of dip at a party would certainly
|
|
excite the guests...
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85- Discos and bars with dance floors are other good places for
|
|
recreational turd-dropping. When people start gettin' down an' doin' the
|
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"Funky Chicken", they wouldn't notice the shit until it was...TOO LATE!
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86- Older movie houses, the ones with balconies, are excellent places to
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have a shit-slingin' good time...
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87- Hallowe'een is the best time of year to give the little local shits what
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they deserve by dropping a few turds in their goodie bags.
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88- One guy I knew, angered by having his expertly-carved Jack O' Lantern
|
|
stolen every Hallowe'en, decided to start coating them with liberal
|
|
amounts of dog shit. His plan sort of backfired, though. When some
|
|
little "vandal-in-training" grabbed the pumpkin and realized what was on
|
|
it, he smashed it into the side of the house, leaving a hideous orange
|
|
and brown stain that had to be scrubbed off. Oh well... at least the kid
|
|
got some shit on his hands...
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89- Fun times can also be had by dropping a few turds into open convertibles
|
|
and sun-roofs on those hot summer nights (do make sure the car is EMPTY
|
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first, though).
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90- Another story I heard about someone who was mad at a neighbor about
|
|
their dog's constant shitting in his yard, fed the animal treats laced
|
|
with Ex-Lax. From what he heard, Foo Foo didn't quite make it outside
|
|
the next time the urge hit...
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91- Shit smeared on a doorknob will always make someone look for another
|
|
entrance. At least the next time, anyway...
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92- One of the funniest I've ever heard was about a guy who went to pay a
|
|
traffic ticket, and had a hard time finding the right office. He did,
|
|
however, discover where the officer's lockers were. Looking on the
|
|
ticket and getting the cop's name, he opened the locker, took the hat
|
|
into a restroom, shit in it, and then replaced it. Of course he never
|
|
knew what happened for sure, but there was at least a chance....
|
|
This kind of story never fails to warm my heart.
|
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|
93- Another cop-shit tale revolves around a true story, part of which was
|
|
used in the film, "The Pope of Greenwich Village". A certain fellow
|
|
had been ripped-off and then beaten-up by a crooked cop. The guy managed
|
|
to spike the officer's usual afternoon drink with a powerful horse
|
|
laxative. Needless to say, the cop left the bar and shit his pants full
|
|
right on the sidewalk in front of bemused on-lookers. And, to top it off
|
|
the guy who spiked the drink called in a false report of an officer
|
|
being shot outside the bar. This brought other cops in droves, expecting
|
|
to see one of their own lying in a pool of blood. Instead, it was a pool
|
|
of shit. The crooked cop transferred to another precinct after bearing
|
|
all the "shit" he take over the spectacle.
|
|
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|
94- Another good place to leave some turds is in the library, on top of a
|
|
book, on the top shelf. There's a good chance that whoever takes the
|
|
book down will get a nice suprise on their head or face.
|
|
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|
95- My fiancee' melted Ex-lax in the teachers coffee pot when she was in
|
|
grade school. You don't EVEN want to know what she did when she got to
|
|
college...
|
|
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|
96- Another mean-spirited friend, who I'll refer to as "Ed", lives in
|
|
Boston. He can't stand all the "sissies" who invade the city every year
|
|
to run in the famous marathon. What Ed does to get back at these
|
|
"prancing fairies", as he calls them, is this: He stations himself along
|
|
the race route with cups of laxative-laden Gatorade. After passing out a
|
|
few, ED then moves up ahead to watch the ensuing fun. He considers the
|
|
"finish line" to be the brown one that appears in the runner's shorts a
|
|
few miles ahead. Well. I told you he was mean-spirited...
|
|
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|
97- Marci, who works in a deli in New York City, told me that she loves to
|
|
put mouse turds (which, according to her are plentiful in NYC eating
|
|
establishments,) in the sandwiches of customers who are unlucky enough
|
|
to piss her off...
|
|
|
|
98- Speaking of NYC, subway platforms would be a good place to drop some
|
|
shit. But then on the other hand, considering some of the scum that
|
|
ride the subways, the smell of dogshit would probably be LESS
|
|
offensive...
|
|
|
|
99- The bleachers at football games or other sporting events are another
|
|
place to do some turding. If you're feeling especially creative, leave a
|
|
note with the shit saying it's compliments of the visiting team.
|
|
|
|
100- A good way to get back at the post office for slow delivery, poor
|
|
service, and all-around shitty attitudes, is to fling some fresh shit
|
|
into one of those huge mail-drop boxes you see sitting on corners.
|
|
|
|
101- Ah. Last but not least: Another good postal prank is to drop several
|
|
small turds in an envelope and mail it off. The electronic machinery at
|
|
the P.O. will literally "mash the shit out of it", which will in turn
|
|
shit up the machine and a bunch of other folks' mail, as well.
|
|
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|
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
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The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
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The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
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Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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