211 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
211 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
TEN WAYS TO STEAL A CAR by THREAT TO SOCIETY
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--------------------------------------------
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So you wanna be a carthief? Start by taking on a good lawyer. And, eh, don't
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steal a car when you are hitch hiking. Imagine this: a hospitable chauffeur
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stops to piss against a tree and the stupid moron leaves his keys on the
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ignition.
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Resist to the seduction, because that man can give a personality description
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to the cops, and that can be fatal! Don't force the driver to get out of his
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car either, because that's a violence delict or something, and that would make
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only make thing more complicated for your lawyer. You get much more fun out of
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stealing a car when the owner is standing right next to it.
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For instance: you see a man waiting in his 'till the grass turns blue. Get him
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out with some fake story ("Sir, I believe you have a flat tire", works
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wonders). While he rushes to the back of his car to take a look at the
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catastrophe, you jump in his car and drive away. EVERYBODY leaves his keys
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on the ignition when he's waiting for something.
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COWARDS
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-------
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When you see an unmanned car which you'd love to take for a drive, first of
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all, check if there's a dog in it. If there is, forget about it! Dogs in cars
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are the best way to scare of thieves. A dog thinks of the car as his territory
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and it's a known fact that dogs have the nasty habit of protecting their
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territory by biting and stuff.
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If there isn't a dog in the car, look if there's a sticker of a stupid
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screaming alarmsystem on the windshield. If there is, then you, as a rookie,
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should leave the car undisturbed. Professional car-thieves have less trouble
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with it.
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There are however REAL stickers and FAKE stickers. A lot of chauffers think
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they can scare thieves away with such a fake sticker, but as a masterthief,
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you studied these thing and you can thee the difference. Fake stickers don't
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scare you. However, if it is a real sticker, you're still sitting on roses,
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because the sticker also names the brand of the alarm system and of course
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you, as a master thief know all the different brands and systems. The owner
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actually HELPS you stealing his car, now isn't that a nice gesture.
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If it's an alarmsystem you happen to know, you simply disconnect it and you
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drive of with the wanted car. If it's not, don't be sad, you just go and steal
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another one. But even as a pro you have to watch out with real stickers
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because there are cowards who put the sticker of another brand on their
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windshield. BOO! LAME! When you start messing around, you immediately notice
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the difference but you got a BIG change the alarm is already screaming his
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guts out by now.
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The biggest cowards are of course the assholes who DO have an alarm, but DON'T
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let you know that with a sticker. "Great!", you think and you try breaking in
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and the fuckin' alarm goes off: scares the hell out of you! In general, it's
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easy for a master thief to make the sirene to shut up. With some more
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expensive models it isn't: there is a emergency battery in a high protected
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box, so the sirene starts (or keeps) screaming as soon as you cut the
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maincircuit. As a master thief, you have to make a shortcut or give a high
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voltage injection to make the thing shut up. Remote controls are very popular
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at the moment with the more expensive cars. They work like the remote of a tv,
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and thanks the central locking system it locks everything that was not locked
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yet. When the absent minded owner opens the door with his keys in the morning,
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the car starts yelling. When YOU try to open the door WITHOUT the keys in the
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EVENING, the damn thing starts screaming as well. BOO! LAME!
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As student-car-thief, you're gonna have to study a bit and learn which car
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contains such systems. In your local thieves guild, you'll find some nice
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folders on that topic. That way you'll find out in no time at which frequency
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those things work. If you have a degree in electronics, you'll even be able
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to build a scannersystem which will help you cracking the codes of the remote
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control (or you can just go to England where you can LEGALLY buy such
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gadgets!). The master thieves are already able to do that now.
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DON'T STEAL A WHEELCHAIR
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------------------------
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Check if the soon-to-be-stealed-car is one of a handicapped person. Normally,
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that's indicated by a blue sticker with a wheelchair on it on the windshield.
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Don't steal such a car. Now, respect, but those cars are individually adjusted
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and simply uncontrollable by your average, non-handicapped masterthief.
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You can't sell such cars either.
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Fortunately, there are no such things as fake blue stickers, because that's
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illegal. If you are not convinced, just take a look at the steering-wheel and
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the pedals.
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Convinced? Good. Always check if there aren't any codes etched in the windows.
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If you just wanna go joy riding, you don't have to worry about it, but if you
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wanna make a living by selling stolen cars, those codes will just give you a
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lot of trouble.
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As soon as the owner reports the theft the codes are spreaded everywhere and
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when the innocent buyer goes to the garage, the question will pop "Where did
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you get this car, sir?" You won't find a fence for a car with window codes
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(except if you export it to foreign countries where nobody gives a fuck about
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those codes anyway) so you will have to replace all the windows and your local
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garage-keeper will find that rather "strange".
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THE DAMN GEAR-LEVER
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-------------------
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What else do you, as a rooke, have to pay attention to? Look inside. Maybe the
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wheel is locked with a wheel pedalhook. For the rookie, this is usually a BIG
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problem. But wait 'till you're a masterthief, you'll laugh with things like
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that!
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The wheel-dashboard-lock, brightly colored so you can see it very well (to
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scare of the thieves), is even worse, but the masterthieves can get ridd of
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it, however not without damaging the car. Very unpleasant, but not unbreakable
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(the trickbox of the masterthief doesn't appear to have a bottom), is the
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handbrake lock.
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Pedal locks are also very annoying, but they're also annoying for the owner,
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because he has to install 'em BEFORE he exits the car, so I trust you'll never
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encounter them in your entire career.
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Same goes for the tire locks, which can totally inmobilize the car, you can't
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even tow it away! There is, however, something new, that even the master
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thieves can't break, the so called GEARLEVER lock, this makes sure that you
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can't change gears. If you REALLY wanted that car, you can always have it
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towed away. In the garage, they can break the lock with expensive material
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and a LOT of patience. But, don't worry, the masterthieves will soon find an
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easy solution to the GEARLEVER lock problem.
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OPEN UP!
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--------
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OK, no dogs, no stickers, no codes, no locks. Check if the door is locked. If
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it isn't, you can usually enter safely. If you're lucky, the keys may still
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be in the ignition. Situations like these are easy to find on driveways in
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area with lots of beautiful villa's. (See in our next issue: 'Ten ways to
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steal your modern art at rich peoples houses') If the door is locked, you, as
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a rookie, encounter the first problem. "Let's smash the window!", you may
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think.
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DON'T! If you're gonna do some joy riding, some cop will notice the broken
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window and force you to pull over. If you wanna make some money by selling
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the car you have to replace the window first. Besides, smashing the window
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is much more suspicious than forcing the lock. Smashing a window is really
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amateurish. Shame on you! Opening a door without a key is child's play. An
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expirienced thief can open a door just as fast with as without the key,
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without damaging the car.
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Useful tools are screwdrivers and/or steel-wires. Practice on your own car
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for several weeks. In the summertime, a lot of drivers leave the window or
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the roof a little bit open. Use your steel-wire to pull the lock of the roof
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et voila, you can enter.
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THE RIDICULOUS WHEEL LOCK
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-------------------------
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Ok, no dogs, no stickers, no codes, no locks and you've opened the door. Now
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get in the car and check if the keys are still in the ignition. It happens
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very often that retarted drivers smash their door in the lock with their
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keys still in the car.
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Damn, no key. The rookie encounters two problems: break the wheel lock and
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start the engine. Look at the tires, the wheel lock is usually locked when
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the tires are straight. If they're not, pull the steering wheel very hard.
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Now the lock should be broken. If this doesn't work, you'll have to use
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something heavier, like a lever. Use your imagination and practice on your
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own car for a couple of weeks.
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OK, you broke the wheel lock. Well done. Make sure the lock is broken
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completely or you may encounter problems while trying to steer. Not
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intresting, especially not while driving at ridiculously high speeds.
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FLIPPER: THE FLIPPIN DOLPHIN
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----------------------------
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Step 2: Getting the engine started. The principle is easy: connect the
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contactwires and the connect the wires of the starting-engine. You need the
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know where you find these in the brand and type of car you want to steal. Try
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and find them in your own car and practice for several weeks.
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Masterthieves who are specialised in one type of car, can start a car faster
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than you can say it. It could happen that the motor doesn't start or that you
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just can't get any power at all. Bad luck. The owner of the car probably
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installed his own little security system. Take a look under the driversseat,
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under the passengersseat and under the dashboard. There should be a switch
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somewhere. When you've found it, do the obvious: flip it! Now try again, the
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engine should start now.
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DO YOU SMELL BACON?
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-------------------
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Congratulations! You just ripped your first car! How does it feel? Is the
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adrenalin pumpin? Great! Now KEEP CALM! I know it's hard to control yourself
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when you're behind the wheel of a shining red Ferrari, but don't go racing
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at 250 MPH, because for some strange reason, pigs don't like that.
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They'll try to stop you and you'll come up to a point where that lawyer I
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talked about comes in handy. A true masterthief is always in complete mental
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control, you know yin, yang, that kinda shit.
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But don't go to the other extreme either: don't drive at speed even your
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grandma exceeds or don't go looking around real nervous, you may just well
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write 'this car is stolen' all over your face. Just act normal, or if your
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normal behaviour conforms to that described above, don't.
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Wanna go for a joy-ride? Have fun.
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Just choose a nice quiet place to dump the baby afterwards, say, the canal?
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If you wanna sell it, check out your local thieves guild, you should find a
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nice fence there. Keep in mind that not everyone is as honest as you (hah!).
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Some of the people you'll meet at your local thieves guild are straight
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crooks and they'll try rip you off. Alas, the path of a masterthief does not
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go over roses.
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----- was ripped from a diskmag called Scenial issue 4 (scenial4.zip) -----
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